A couple of rants from a madman

I refuse to close myself off from the world. I won’t allow myself to overgeneralize or to assume every person will hurt me simply because a few actually did. Otherwise, I would be no different than those who actually deserve to be condemned in that fucking box I place the whole world in! I’m not going to let my insecurities or my hurt feelings sever my ties to humanity. Or else this unrelenting misery will be all I’ll ever know.

I don’t think society is getting worse. I think these things has always been happening. Perhaps society is becoming more self-aware. Things that used to happen behind closed doors, things that we were once ashamed to admit to anyone – are coming to light. Instead of judging the truth for what it is, we should learn from these horrific events because how else will humanity evolve?

Advertisements

No Regrets

Although a Taurus and an Aquarius are supposedly not compatible, we could have been great together as long as we both worked hard at it. But you wouldn’t let me love you. Your insecurities got in the way. I was in the wrong simply because some asshole from your past was the one who broke you. I would have been faithful, devoted, and loyal to you. I would have deleted all those apps and told all those guys to back off. I could have been your husband someday. But in life, you get what you give. How can you love me if you don’t love yourself? How can you recognize whenever I pour my heart out to you when your heart is so tightly closed in a bud? I am brave enough to be vulnerable. I am strong enough to cry. You think you’re the only one who has been hurt? The only one who’s broken? I don’t care how many times my heart breaks. I am ready to love again.

House of Paper

Cried blood
Bled tears
Your kind words are killing me
Written on fragile walls
My secret fears
Hope they brave the harsh winds

Ink drips off your quill
A lighter trembles in my hand
Waiting…
Anticipating…
Your signature shows promise
Can’t won’t escape

Surrounded by something new
Something vulnerable
Something true
What to do when I’m so used to
Burning a stone wall
And going nowhere at all?

Cosmic Ambiguity

My love is a planet,
Revolving around your heart,
My fear is a star,
Present from the start,
My trust is the atmosphere,
For without it I’m cold,
My kiss is a meteor,
So intense and so bold,
My pain is a black hole,
Where light goes to die,
My sex is the gravity,
It’s what keeps us alive,
My mind is the moon,
Witnessing the shadows move,
My hope is the Sun,
For I have nothing to prove

Tearing At The Seams

I’m in love with a man

I can’t say no to,

I’m in love with the man

Of my dreams,

I’m in love with a man

That I’ll hold onto

And my mind is tearing

At the seams,

I’m in love with a man

No one compares to,

I’m in love with a man

More handsome than you,

I’m in love with a man

Who says he loves me too

And my heart is breaking

Heart is aching…

Racing Thoughts

I could think about the losses and I could think about the crimes,
I could think about the truth that killed me too many times,
I could think about the love that I’ve longed to feel again,
I could think about the fears and the morals I defend,
I could think about the lies that I’ve told in the past,
I could think about the hurt feelings and how long they can last,
I could think about hoping
Now that everything is out in the open,
I could think about flowers and I could think of what to create,
I could think about wonderful promises I have the power to make,
I could think about us and I could think about now,
I could think about war and I could think about how,
I could think about joy and I could think about pain,
I could think about sunshine and I could think about rain,
I could think for just one day,
That it’s okay to not be okay,

I could think about the will to reap what I sow,
Perhaps I could have the strength to try again tomorrow

An Interlude

From the outside looking in, most people think I’m crazy. From my point of view, living within the craziness, it merely feels like I’m being chastised for being honest within a world of liars.

After 25 years, I still don’t know what it means to be human. Unless the existential dread that I garner every day is the embodiment of humanity. But at this point in my life, I try not to be negative. I try not to be consumed in the darkness of my past. I tell myself that I’ve reached the other side of the tunnel and being humble is proof of that.

Redemption

Is life supposed to stop because I did something horrible? Well, here’s the real horrible truth. No matter what I do or how bad I feel about it, life just goes on. Life doesn’t give a fuck that I’m sorry or upset or deranged or tormented. Life just goes on, and I got to go on with it, or sit in the middle of the road and feel sorry for myself. And I don’t see myself doing that. I’m not evil. Everything that I have done… and my faith was still pure. When I spoke words of prayer, they were just as real to me as when I memorized them in church all those years ago when I still exuded a clandestine innocence. The words still moved me. I never doubted God. I doubted myself. But maybe God was a more generous God than I allowed Him to be. I faced the demon with my faith and prayer. Does that mean God has forgiven me of my sins? I don’t know. If He has truly forgiven me, then He’s more magnanimous than I’ll ever be.