House of Paper

Cried blood
Bled tears
Your kind words are killing me
Written on fragile walls
My secret fears
Hope they brave the harsh winds

Ink drips off your quill
A lighter trembles in my hand
Waiting…
Anticipating…
Your signature shows promise
Can’t won’t escape

Surrounded by something new
Something vulnerable
Something true
What to do when I’m so used to
Burning a stone wall
And going nowhere at all?

Advertisements

Cosmic Ambiguity

My love is a planet,
Revolving around your heart,
My fear is a star,
Present from the start,
My trust is the atmosphere,
For without it I’m cold,
My kiss is a meteor,
So intense and so bold,
My pain is a black hole,
Where light goes to die,
My sex is the gravity,
It’s what keeps us alive,
My mind is the moon,
Witnessing the shadows move,
My hope is the Sun,
For I have nothing to prove

Tearing At The Seams

I’m in love with a man

I can’t say no to,

I’m in love with the man

Of my dreams,

I’m in love with a man

That I’ll hold onto

And my mind is tearing

At the seams,

I’m in love with a man

No one compares to,

I’m in love with a man

More handsome than you,

I’m in love with a man

Who says he loves me too

And my heart is breaking

Heart is aching…

Racing Thoughts

I could think about the losses and I could think about the crimes,
I could think about the truth that killed me too many times,
I could think about the love that I’ve longed to feel again,
I could think about the fears and the morals I defend,
I could think about the lies that I’ve told in the past,
I could think about the hurt feelings and how long they can last,
I could think about hoping
Now that everything is out in the open,
I could think about flowers and I could think of what to create,
I could think about wonderful promises I have the power to make,
I could think about us and I could think about now,
I could think about war and I could think about how,
I could think about joy and I could think about pain,
I could think about sunshine and I could think about rain,
I could think for just one day,
That it’s okay to not be okay,

I could think about the will to reap what I sow,
Perhaps I could have the strength to try again tomorrow

An Interlude

From the outside looking in, most people think I’m crazy. From my point of view, living within the craziness, it merely feels like I’m being chastised for being honest within a world of liars.

After 25 years, I still don’t know what it means to be human. Unless the existential dread that I garner every day is the embodiment of humanity. But at this point in my life, I try not to be negative. I try not to be consumed in the darkness of my past. I tell myself that I’ve reached the other side of the tunnel and being humble is proof of that.

Redemption

Is life supposed to stop because I did something horrible? Well, here’s the real horrible truth. No matter what I do or how bad I feel about it, life just goes on. Life doesn’t give a fuck that I’m sorry or upset or deranged or tormented. Life just goes on, and I got to go on with it, or sit in the middle of the road and feel sorry for myself. And I don’t see myself doing that. I’m not evil. Everything that I have done… and my faith was still pure. When I spoke words of prayer, they were just as real to me as when I memorized them in church all those years ago when I still exuded a clandestine innocence. The words still moved me. I never doubted God. I doubted myself. But maybe God was a more generous God than I allowed Him to be. I faced the demon with my faith and prayer. Does that mean God has forgiven me of my sins? I don’t know. If He has truly forgiven me, then He’s more magnanimous than I’ll ever be.

Jane The Virgin S5E1 Monologue

I have binge-watched every episode of Jane the Virgin. I am up-to-date as of right now on season 5 episode 1 that aired yesterday. There was a 7 1/2 minute monologue that Jane did expressing how she’s trying to cope with Michael’s return. It destroyed me. I broke down seeing her like that. That’s how I get when I’m really upset. She exuded symptoms of mania, and Gina Rodriguez should get an Emmy just for this scene alone. It expressed exactly how she felt about Michael returning from the dead. If you’ve seen every episode like I have and then watched this scene, you’ll understand, with context, the importance and the raw emotion emanating from this monologue. I’m going to miss Jane the Virgin. This is the last season. And it’s starting off at a really great note.

(I have no rights to this footage)

Routines: Good or Bad?

Do you think everyone benefits from a routine? Why or why not?

            I appreciate how dense this compact question is. I think there are advantages and disadvantages to adhering to a routine. Before I answer this question in a most subjective yet rational way, I would like to state why routines garner such benign and detrimental aspects in one’s day-to-day life.

Routines are predictable, safe, and adaptive to one’s individual place in the world. It is easy to abide by something that is so trivial. Little thought and energy is given to doing things that one normally does. Routines allows one to experience a sense of safety and security, reassurance, especially in times of discomfort or distress. It is like a safety net, something to fall back on, and something to rely on. One’s comfort zone is a place of familiarity and tranquility. It distills the pressures that life presents, the uncertainty of the future, and the fear that follows close behind.

On the other hand, routines can also refrain one from trying new things or explore differing realms of understanding the world. People genuinely fear the unknown and constructing routines is a way one adapts to the changes that life presents us. Routines can render us from taking necessary risks. They could dissuade us from breaking free of complacence. There is a whole world out there to interact with, to learn from, to experience, but routines can ultimately hold us back from fully harnessing our potential.

To say the least, the most sensible answer I can come up with is moderation. It is perfectly healthy to construct and modify routines from time to time. However, taking a leap of faith sometimes is a great way to grow as a person, even if we make the wrong choices, especially if we make the worst choices. Perhaps more primitive things like waking up, taking a shower, brushing your teeth, etc. is a beneficial routine while something like driving the same route to work or even rushing straight home after work rather than trying something new could essentially prevent one from fully enjoying life. I think I should practice what I preach. I am a creature of habit. I don’t know, maybe everyone is. But does everyone benefit from a routine? Sometimes. Sometimes we do.

Open Your Mind

I close my eyes to feel everything

How long has it been since you exiled me into a land of desolation?
How many times did you repress your memories of me into submission?
How often did you reassure me that I could be myself
As long as I had achieved your quintessential expectations?

I don’t need you to respect me
‘Cus I respect me,
Nor do I need you to love me
‘Cus I love me,
But I want you to know
That you can get to know me,

If you would just open your mind