Life: Break down. Get up. Repeat.

Good morning to my sleepy fallen angels! I love Sundays. It’s good to set aside one day a week to train myself spiritually by going to church. Lord knows I needed church this week. I had a hard time all week long. But I am okay now. I was taking a shower before I went to church earlier today and I was suddenly very aware of the shampoo and conditioner. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Like life. Break down. Get up. Repeat. Our daily lives are busy. Whether it’s school or work or anything else, we are doing the best we can to establish our place in the world. Rest. Repent. Love. Beautiful words I include in my daily prayers. My ex’s altrustic ways must have rubbed off on me somewhere along our past relationship. I wasn’t always happy or hopeful. I was once deep in rock bottom. So many things contributed to my rebirth. I am always grateful because I never lose in life. I either win or I learn, never neither, sometimes both. Break down. Get up. Repeat. Resilience is how long it takes for you to get up after you break down. Anyway, I saw this post on Facebook recently that asked if your ex and your phone were hanging off a ledge, which one would you save. Comments below were so vile. “My phone, duh!” Or “I can live without my ex but not without my phone.” How evil is that? Your ex is another human being regardless. You can always buy another phone. We are all human beings. We all have our internal struggles. I have mentioned this before but I can’t stress that enough. If someone betrays you, pray for them. If someone is rude to you, pray for them. Don’t hate one another. We all break down, get up, and do it all over again. Forgiveness is so damn beautiful! I care about everyone at all times. I’m not saying this just because I’m in a good mood right now. Life is short. And for someone to hold grudges and remain close-minded their whole life is a tragedy. That description reminds me of my mother. My childhood was violent and miserable. Just to live past 18 was a true accomplishment and bountiful blessing on my behalf. Then again, some mothers throw their babies in dumpsters or get abortions so my fate could have been much worse. I forgive my mother. But I can’t find her. She disowned me and then moved away without telling me where. So I forgive her to let go of the scared child inside and move forward towards the oriented. So live up to your responsibilities and allow yourself to break down sometimes. The sooner you do, the sooner you can get up once more. It’s okay to not feel okay sometimes. Allow God in your heart, your life, and He will show you the way to salvation. I realize that is the ONLY way. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Heaven is locked up in those bones of his

There once was a man who came up to me,
And introduced himself so politely,
As he also sat on the wooden bench,
He was aware of our boundaries,

In response I told him my name,
We shook hands and we smiled the same,
30 minutes past until the bus came,
He asked me if I’d go home or if I’d rather stay,

I decided the latter and we went on a date,
Went to the movies until it got late,
We exchanged numbers a bridge we create,
It was love at first sight that seemed like fate,

He was such a handsome gentleman,
It was two months before we held hands,
He was so afraid to make his move,
But when he did all doubt he removed,

In six months’ time he confessed his love,
Every time he spoke angels sang from above,
Everyday words turned into love songs,
Butterflies came back when I thought they were gone,

Everyone else thought he was a bad guy,
But I knew for a fact he had love trapped inside,
I clawed at his walls til my nails bloody raw,
Was he always so guarded before I never saw,

Two years has past since the day we first met,
So much has happened since that fateful event,
He wasn’t the same man I once fell hard for,
Evil encased his heart but not to his core,

His views on the world had changed so much,
So cold and defeated became his touch,
I tried so hard to save him from the dark,
But of to no avail shadows made their mark,

Paranoia and apathy took over him,
The light he once garnered grew so dim,
So eventually I had to let him go,
His love or lack of it thereof,

He was my first love I’ll never forget,
The good times we shared I’ll never regret,
He saved my life with just one kiss,
And now he’s gone a man I’ll forever miss,

His altruistic ways will always live on,
In me his memory as bright as the Sun,
It’s tragic that this love was dismissed,
Heaven is locked up in those bones of his

Words that make your skin crawl

Good morning! Today I will be a motivational speaker at Capital Region Mental Health Center in my state. Just yesterday I was feeling pretty low about myself. But I know even at the worst of times, things always seem to fall nicely into place afterwards. A friend once told me that when something bad happens, it’s never the end of the world but it’s also okay to not feel okay about something. Those words stayed with me even after I scared him off that day when I was venting to him. For the longest, I felt like I was trapped inside my mind, like I created this fantasy world within myself that I can’t escape from. I’m always on survival mode, like I’m forever in The Hunger Games arena. It may be paranoia; maybe because I subconsciously assume everyone wants to hurt me. But sometimes I have to stay home for a while to relieve my anxiety. That’s when I start listening and discovering new music that really speaks to me as if the singer sung the song especially for me. There are many songs that make my skin crawl and resurrect the butterflies that I thought died the moment I put aside my childish ways. One of them is Christina Perri’s I Believe. I posted the lyrics video so that you don’t miss any beautiful word. I love Christina Perri! A lot of people don’t because her music is deemed as depressing. But that’s what I hate about society, they try so hard to encourage happiness when at the same time, they are negating any form of sadness. Sadness, depression, misery, tradegy, loss, they all exist regardless how much we repress those emotions. It’s like frowning is even frowned upon. Songs like this let’s me know that it’s okay to not feel okay today. But the Sun will always rise. Have a wonderful day, my fallen angels! Wish me luck on my inspirational speech! Over and out.

Watch “I believe Christina Perri lyrics” on YouTube

What has this world come to?!

Watch “The Truth About Robin Williams Suicide” on YouTube

Good morning. I guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed or maybe I am starting to unlock all the feelings of depression and loneliness I have repressed within myself for so long. I understand why Robin Williams killed himself. He was very wise and troubled but no one took him seriously. His life and his death, his legacy, was a symbol for our country and the whole world. We all may think we have people in our lives that genuinely care about us but most people don’t give a fuck. We are losing our humanity. We care less about nature and each other and more about the media and material things. Robin Williams suffered with depression and near his final time alive, he turned to  drugs and seclusion. I can relate to him or at least relate to what I  know about him. I suffer with depression but I survived countless endeavors and always scurried my way out. I adapt and I try to move forward. People come to me for advice or a shoulder to cry on or to hear a joke that will make their day. But I can’t think of anyone who would do that for me or are even capable of comforting a true fallen angel. I am strong and I laugh and smile quite often but most days, i don’t even wanna get out of bed. I just wanna hide from the rest of the world. Grieving for the limitless people who came and went from my life, never able to stay. I have a Facebook account and youtube and many other ones but none of that fools me to thinking anyone is truly there for me. Other people may succumb to the illusion that they have many friends due to social media. Maybe because it’s a way to cope for the loss of our humanity. I am so depressed. And yet I try the best I can to continue working on myself physically, mentally, spiritually, and psychologically. I work out regularly and I try to be positive in a negative world as if opposites really do attract. I go to church and pray and compensate for my life by going through the process of an adult baptism. I go to therapy to vent and try to rid myself of mental illness. I think everyone needs therapy. It’s time to stop running towards the status quo and towards reality, no matter how obscure or diminished our views on life may be. I feel like no one in my daily life can even begin to fathom what it’s like to go through this. Maybe we all go through it. I don’t know because no one ever wants to talk about the “negative” things. Same thing with Robin Williams. He was so funny and sweet. That was what everyone else saw. But based on my life experience, I can only imagine the reasons why he decided not to confide in anyone or to break the ice of an otherwise silly comedic persona. He knew no one cared to dig deeper than the mask. To be honest, this world is dangerous and terrifying at times. We are doing the best we can. To care about anyone else but ourselves is a burden. We are fighting our own battles. Frankly, I can barely help myself most days. I don’t know the solution to revive our humanity or even pinpoint when we lost it. But I do know it takes all my being to not give up and commit the same act that Robin Williams did. He was a beautiful person who was misunderstood. I may not know all there is needed to know about him but I can sympathize with the idea of him and his tragic demise. People think I’m a joke and usually don’t take me seriously. But why would they? I make them think that subconsciously because just like Robin Williams, I don’t believe anyone can begin to acknowledge this concept that I speak so fondly of. I believe I have lost my mind years ago. I don’t remember when exactly but I’m living my life on auto-pilot. I have faith that I play a huge factor in saving this lost world we live in. The unfortune and the tragedy will never cease, but the hope and love in the world will forever oppose the evil. That felt good to vent. A series of coping skills distracting me from the inevitable suicidal ideation. Don’t worry. (You won’t anyway) I will be okay. I have been through worse. I’ll just adapt and survive like I always do. Have a wonderful day, my magnificent fallen angels! Over and out.

What’s true vs. What’s right

Good morning my beautiful fallen angels! How are you on this lovely day? New adventures will be embarked on today just like any other day. Anyway, today, I would like to discuss the concept of truth versus the concept of righteousness. I haven’t been baptized before because I lived in a Muslim family growing up. But I’m planning on getting baptized sometime this Summer. Today I spoke with my priest again for the second Tuesday ever. I am still new in the ways of Christianity so he helps me with any questions I have (I have many questions! Lol) as well as discuss philosophy. I enjoy my little chats with Father Mark. One topic we came across was the difference between ethics and honesty. He told me a brief example. He said, “if it was still World War 2 times and you were harboring Jews in your cellar before the Nazis knocked on your door, would you lie to them and say no or tell them the truth?” It’s a question of conflict between the two concepts I mentioned already. Telling the truth saves the lives of the Jews while lying in itself is supposedly wrong. It’s got me to thinking about corruption in the world which when snowballed to the Illuminati. The coexistence of a truth and a lie and whose to argue that the Illuminati is right or wrong made our discussion a philosophical one. And if corruption in itself is the norm, then it defeats the very definition of corruption. My priest then tied the conversation back to the core topic at hand (my inevitable baptism) when I thought the conversation went on a huge tangent. He said, “we all walk on this road, while we carry the load, as we walk side by side towards the oriented (the way towards the light). Humans tend to stray away from the light sometimes but it’s up to us to not let our sins distract us from the way. What’s true and what’s right may differ from everyone and any given situation. But the majority of people believe that any decisions they make have a justifiable reason for being good even when it’s not. For the most part, we are doing the best we can.” I am spellbound by discussions I have with my priest or my clinician too. I prefer conversations pertaining to something bigger than ourselves rather than having to dumb myself down to talk to my peers about social media or celebrities. This is why I usually don’t associate with people in my own age group. It may be true as to what I’m saying about people my age but is it right to imply that they are normally naive? Or maybe it’s not true, that it’s just my general opinion? Who knows? I tend to generalize a lot regardless so perhaps it’s not true. I’m human just like everyone else and it’s not in my place to decide what’s right in comparison to what’s true in response to others. But it’s safe to say I can decide that for myself about myself. Well that was quite philosophical. Heed my words and have a wonderful day, my fallen angels! Over and out.

Leader of the Fallen (me!)


This is me today. It’s a glorious Sunday and I just got out of church. This whole gothic, darkness style intrigues me deeply but I have a big heart and i mean well. God loves me and all His other creations, no matter what. I am beautiful and so are you. So don’t assume people who dress like me worship Satan or something else bizarre. It’s usually the Goths who have suffered a lot yet are humbled and more caring than anyone else. It is the troubled who smile the brightest of all. Have a wonderful day, my glorious fallen angels! Over and out.

Carry The Burden

Verse 1:
The last supper approaches,
Extravagant cuisine before
the execution,
No one in here cares if I live or die,
But I suffer for their sins regardless,

Chorus (1):
Even Jesus didn’t quite fit in,
In a world that tends to sin,
Why must I always carry the burden?

Even Jesus didn’t understand,
Why curiosity gnaws at man,
Why do I only do the best I can?

Verse 2:
The angry mob approaches,
Yelling obscenities before
The sacrifice,
Everyone wants to watch me fail,
But all I failed to do was save them from themselves,

Chorus (2):

Even Jesus didn’t quite fit in,
In a world that tends to sin,
Why must I always carry the burden?

Even Jesus didn’t understand,
The evil that garners within man,
Why do I only do the best i can?

Why does curiosity gnaw at man,
The evil that garners within man,
It only takes a second to screw up carelessly,
But it takes a thousand years to repent carefully,

Chorus (1&2)

Will I offer my life for you,
Hands raised in the air,
Burning flesh everywhere,
I’d do it all just to save you from yourself

Demon Apocalypse (A 55 Fiction)

The world was left in disarray. There was nothing anyone could’ve done to save our planet. Even the nation’s armies couldn’t join forces to oppose the demon frigates.

It comes to show how little we differ from Hell-Dwellers. No two nations got along to work together.

We’re doomed now.

But the underground Human Resistance remains…

Darwin’s theory, an original song

Verse one:
I wake up in the morning feeling quite alright,
I don’t need anyone to hold at night,
Sometimes life can be a brutal fight,
But I am resilient baby,

Don’t sweat the small stuff it’s no big deal,
Just pray to God I have faith that He’s real,
Getting through the day may feel surreal,
But I am a blessed baby,

Do you really wanna give up?
Do you really wanna fall in love?
Do you really wanna know the truth?
Did you know that life is cruel?

That’s what humans do,
We aren’t any different from animals,

We laugh,
We cry,
That’s what humans do,
Life has it’s ups and downs,

The strong ones prevail,
The weak ones always fail,
Will you live to tell your tale,
Or will you surrender and bail?

Verse two:
Tell me everything you think I wanna hear,
But you will never fool me that I swear,
I dance to life’s music with my soul to bare,
Cuz I am hopeful baby,

Nothing will stop me from achieving my goals,
I get money just fine without stripper poles,
I play the lead and
not supporting roles,
Cuz I am important baby,

Do you really wanna give up?
Do you really wanna fall in love?
Do you really wanna know the truth?
Did you know that life is cruel?

That’s what humans do,
We aren’t any different from animals,

We laugh,
We cry,
That’s what humans do,
Life has its ups and downs,

The strong ones prevail,
The weak ones always fail,
Will you live to tell your tale,
Or will you surrender and bail?

Darwin’s theory states,
Natural selection,
Will eliminate the weak,
The weak the weak the weak,
Will be replaced,
They’ll all be replaced,
By none other than the brave!