The Aggressive Victim

“It felt good to hurt you

To compare my life to yours

To see that I’m in a much better place in my life than you are in yours

Because it stroked my ego

Because sapping your energy fueled me with more Power

Because I finally had a target to unleash all my frustrations on

And I never meant it when I apologized

And I will hurt you again if you give me another opportunity

But despite everything

I wish you the best on your way”

CAUTION

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Hello to my cautious fallen angels! It’s been a while since I last checked in. I tend to write poetry and short stories, but there’s nothing wrong with that.

It’s Mother’s Day and the sadness wrecks havoc once again. I was an unusual child. My mother was afraid of me. She called me “the sick boy.” I spoke of death, misery, and hopelessness around the time my parents were divorced, and also during the time I began to get bullied in school. Then, trauma ensued and I became catatonic from the age of 10 to 18. I dressed in gothic garments, cut myself regularly, and tried to commit suicide whenever I was bored so she could keep me entertained. I blamed her for the loss of my innocence even though she didn’t do it directly.

I used to have sex with gangsters for drugs and pickpocket strangers on the streets to survive. My mother was a whore, and there was never food in the house. I went in and out of psych wards, residentials, group homes, and state hospitals. I got expelled from four different high schools before I finally graduated.

By then, my mother no longer bothered visiting me, let alone keeping me entertained. She gave up on me. I am the “Jason Todd”* of her four children.

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*Jason Todd was the second Robin after Dick Grayson. He was murdered by The Joker. Then, he was resurrected by the use of Ra's Al Ghul's Lazarus Pit. Jason Todd became a villain called The Red Hood.

Now I am a grown man. And every Mother’s Day that comes and goes relinquishes the mental bind I constructed to keep these horrid memories at bay.

I am socially rejected by almost every social group dynamic I have come across throughout the years. I am guarded and I hardly let anyone in. I portray this dark persona but I believe myself to be very gentle and kind. I must be cautious at all times. It’s days like today that never let me forget why I always exercise CAUTION.

Well, just because I hate Mother’s Day due to association by my own life’s experience, it doesn’t mean you feel the same way. At that note, I wish you all a Happy Mother’s Day!

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Sir, The Range of Tolerance is Quite Malleable Indeed

Abuse is all I’ve ever known
In all its shapes and forms,
Let retribution commence!

I covet the will to lie
In rote behaviour I sanctify,
Contention in dissonance

Oh aggro of subdued hearts!
Harbinger of false starts!
Is there more to life than cadence?

Mankind can be so unnerving,
But who am I to say we’re undeserving?
It seems effortless to choose the darkness

They say ignorance is bliss
Yet ignorance is responsible for all that’s amiss,
Rectified by cultural difference

What is considered proper
When oppression and injustice prosper?
Are they in The Range of Tolerance?

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

Once Innocence Lost

I was so frail until I fell into your mind,
But fate never pulled me out from its bind.
A think tank I drown in for so damn long.
Your dominion that reigns over me is so strong.

Beat me.
Spit on me.
Tell me I’m scum.

Rape me.
Scream at me.
Until you cum.

You convince me I’m nothing whether you’re here or not.
You might as well raze me here now, my sexy stoic robot.

I was an innocent little boy until I fell for you hard.
I sold my soul when I put down my guard.
Your arms I wore like a wedding dress.
Ivory silk drips underneath to caress.

Grab me.
Don’t kiss me.
Make me your bitch.

Sedate me.
Don’t date me.
Until your dick twitch.

You sold me spare parts of a heart non-existent.
Yet I’ll forever remain perplexingly persistent.

I was so ambitious until I fell on your facade.
Down on my knees as if you were God.
My religion is you because I’m a little monster.
Not once did doubt show you were an imposter.

Choke me.
Condemn me.
Drag me to hell.

Fuck me.
Lie to me.
My body’s for sale.

You made me believe faith is a waste of time.
Even life itself gives me something to deny.

Truth Serum

When I was 6,

I wished I was a newborn,

When all I worried about was eating, sleeping,

And excreting waste,

 

When I was 10,

I wished I was 6,

When all I was afraid of was going to grade school for the first time

And missing my mom until I returned home,

 

When I was 14,

I wished I was 10,

When all I thought about were the terrifying times I spent alone with my stepdad

And missing my mom until she returned home,

 

When I was 18,

I wished I was 14,

When all I reminisced about was how I secretly enjoyed being abused like a masochist

And missing the only sexual escapade I had throughout my school years,

 

When I was 21,

I wished I was 18,

When I was forced to be exiled because my mom thought my dad’s replacement made me gay

And hoping there was more to life than this,

 

When I am 30,

I will wish I was 21,

When all I can recall will be how my ex-fiance severely broke my heart

And how he wonderfully psychologically tormented me,

 

When I am 39,

I will wish I was 30,

When I’ll realize that I am the same age as when my first love left in peace

And left me in pieces,

 

When I am 50,

I will wish I was 39,

When I can remember fondly how agile and resilient I once was

And wondering how I didn’t kill myself a lot sooner

 

When I am 69,

I will not look back anymore,

For dementia will consume my mind’s occupancy leaving behind the fact that my age will be one of my favorite sexual positions

And in total relief that I will die any day now

 

 

 

 

*Make sure to take advantage of the eBook sale going on now! From now* until December 26th at 8:00PM, you can buy The Pandemonium Chronicles for only $0.99! (usually $2.99)

http://www.amazon.com/Pandemonium-Chronicles-Merge-between-Heaven-ebook/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=sr_1_1_twi_kin_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1450883498&sr=8-1&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

This sale is to celebrate the release of my new book, Trials and Tribulations!

http://www.amazon.com/Trials-Tribulations-Sufian-ebook/dp/B018ZR0IVA/ref=sr_1_43?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1450883658&sr=1-43&keywords=Trials+and+Tribulations

Let’s Be Negative Again: Nothing To Lose

Hello to my fallen angels! I love The Hunger Games series! Johanna Mason reminds me a lot of myself. Cute but crazy. My favorite quote by her from The Hunger Games: Catching Fire=

Katniss, Peeta, Finnick, and Beetee stare bewildered at Johanna for flipping out in the arena where President Snow can see.

Johanna: spoken softly “What? He can’t hurt me. There’s no one left that I love.

This quote really spoke to me. I lost my family, the one man I truly loved, and I grew apart from all my friends. There’s no one else in this world that I love. I have nothing to lose. I’m a force to be reckoned with. I’ve been homeless before and I’ll endure it again if i ever have to once more. I’ve been abused psychologically, physically, spiritually, verbally, sexually, and emotionally. I’m well aware that things in my life can ALWAYS get worse. There’s an animalistic side of me that currently lies dormant within myself but I can shake it awake at any given time. I don’t fear death because I have been suicidal the majority of my life. I can’t wait to meet the Grim Reaper but I guess it’s not my time to go yet. Apparently, God wants me to suffer a bit more before I perish. This is the worst time for me. Any other time of the year, I could easily repress my agony and use coping skills to distract myself from it. However, the holiday season constantly throws the concept of family and togetherness into my fucking face. Some family members I hardly know came across my venting on Facebook and decided to reach out to me for a pity party tomorrow. Oh boy! I can just picture myself sitting uncomfortably and awkwardly as everyone else socializes and embraces each other. Then an attractive man will come up to me feigning interest in my subtle existence until I’ll realize he’s my cousin. At this point, I’ll fuck one of my sexy cousins. This loneliness got me contemplating many things including incest. Lol. It’s not like he’ll knock me up with a retarded baby. Whatever. Fuck everything and fuck everyone too! You all can shove your turkeys and presents up your asses! Lmao. Happy Holidays, my fallen angels! Over and out. 🙂

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

#TBH

Hello to my reclusive fallen angels! It seems I’m always chastised for being the only one whose honest. I’m infatuated with him. I don’t know him that well yet to have legitimate feelings but I’m aware of a few things about him that aren’t bad at all. He’s caring, artistic, funny, smart, and he’s one of the most beautiful men I have ever known. He enjoys playing video games and he knows his way around cosmetics. The thing is that I was a DCF kid. My childhood composed of trauma and abuse which led me to growing so accustomed to The System that I never learned the social skills needed to interact with Normies (people who were never in The System and is sane enough to appear normal even if they’re not). I believe that I never fully adapted to the real world; I never successfully transitioned from a hospital ambience to the community setting. This theory would definitely explain why I’m so socially awkward. I have a habit of making people feel uncomfortable and actually taking pleasure in it. You see, in psych wards, talking about depression, suicide, rape, and the like were topics of conversation. We made humor out of it because they were the only things to define our lives. It’s why I have a very dark, warped sense of humor. I know it’s hard to take me seriously but I use humor as a coping/defense mechanism. If I stop laughing, I’ll fall apart. It’s why I feel all alone in the world. I know I talk about loneliness a lot but it’s my only reality. I don’t know how to allow my crush to take me seriously; that I’m not a joke and that I’m not only interested in sex. I didn’t think he was into me until I found out he volunteered to do my makeup for the drag show I spoke of in my post, Drama Infestation. I don’t know with him. He’s wishy-washy. I don’t want to put my hopes up too high but I can’t wait to see if our O’s will become X’s soon. I’m not afraid to be honest. Maybe at least one of my fallen angels will read this and muster up the courage to be honest too. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

An Angel’s Awakening (A-CUBED)

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Good morning to my blessed fallen angels! I finally got baptized today! It’s been long-awaited. (Aww! Look at me in my church clothes as opposed to my gothic garb.) I’m officially an Episcopalian now! I love my church family! I love God! People can disappoint me, betray me, neglect me, abuse me, avoid me, judge me, use me, and hurt me but I’m so happy to give myself up to The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit. I never have to worry about God doing any of those things to me that people have done time and time again. It’s all trials and tribulations. It’s expected to go through hardship in life in one way or another. I am definitely not an exception to that biblical rule. I have no regrets, no held grudges, and no hatred towards anyone or anything. Everything I have been through (“The Sufie Saga”) led me to this moment. My mother told me I made her depressed and that she should’ve aborted me, but I forgive her. The only man I have ever loved (so far…) broke my heart in ways I never thought was humanly possible, but I forgive him too. I’m so emotionally resilient. I have been abused physically, mentally, sexually, emotionally, and even spiritually (by a psychic Narcissist). However, I still manage to get out of bed in the morning, smile, laugh (sometimes manically), and uphold my daily responsibilities. Three weeks from now, I’m starting acolyte training to someday become a priest. I’m also in college to be a therapist for people with mental health problems. And I garner spiritual abilities of my own. Just yesterday, I was contemplating killing myself, but it’s amazing how God can save me just when I feel like giving up. I am going to help and heal a lot of people! I’m gonna make this world a better place than when I found it! On the other hand, I will still don the name, The One-Eyed Angel because this darkness infested with depression and rage will always be a part of me. It has helped me survive through the worst of times and helped me appreciate with ultimate gratitude the best of times. All emotions are temporary, both good and bad. I know I’m not gonna feel this happiness consistently for the rest of my life, but I accept that simply because I must accept that. Although I don’t have any close friends or family members who went to my baptism today, I have acknowledged already that my life is a lonely one so no surprises that no one outside my church family came today. I’m okay though. There must be some valid reason God didn’t place too many people in my life. Some can handle society while some can’t. To each his own. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

One Bad Day

I sat confined within the metal bars compressing me to a condensed version of an ambivalent world. Psychologist-infested daily routines didn’t always comprise my life’s entirety. It only took one bad day to rid me of my innocence forever.
Shadows spilled underneath my cot, behind the rusted toilet several paces away, and they ran away from the fluorescent lights twitching out in the corridor.
Red eyes glowed at night to accompany the darkness I fed earnestly throughout the day. It was an effective way to lose weight.
Years passed and so has three in-mates that took the pleasure of being my roommate. It came to the point where my past branched off into infinite alternate realities. That happens when you reach a certain age. Memories evolve into better or worse things depending on your mood.
I haven’t been outside since I moved in. The normies in their hospital scrubs always shut out the outside because I don’t deserve it anymore. All the other Malvolos lost their rights to freedom too, they kid around with me.
At a certain time of day, the leader of the normies announce from the walls that the lights must go out. We retreat back into our catacombs while being driven out of the community room like cattle.
I don’t bother talking to the other outsiders because I sleep alone regardless. Nothing new happened since The Assault. So I laid in the dark letting the last remnants of my eluded past reframe my dreams once more.
The Sun always radiates as bright as I remember. Maybe it was a tad bit brighter back then. The birds chirp as they perch themselves onto the trees my mother constantly refused to cut down. Her baby blue car is warming up in the driveway. My older brother (always was taller than me) sits in the front seat while my mother says her goodbyes to my stepdad. She is plotting against me with him. Then she glances at me, massaging her back and leaning on her scepter, and asks me if I’m positively sure if I want to stay at home instead of going with them to the local supermarket. I assure her that grocery shopping with her was as boring as school.
Then suddenly it’s nighttime and I skip forward past the awkward stage of puberty into the fathoms of adulthood. I’m closing up shop. Putting away spare boxes into the complacent shelves. I walk up to the entryway door to transform the “come on in, we’re open” sign to the “sorry, we’re closed” sign. But there’s this really sexy twink knocking softly on the glass. I yell out that we’re closed but he insisted on coming in to talk to me. He wants me to do it to him, I’m positive.
So the car drives itself away like fate so anxiously wanting to lay down its foundation. I give a quick smile to my stepdad just to be polite before going into my room to play some videogames. But that smile I flash at him is a green light for him to pursue me.
I lead him to my office in the basement where I let the cobwebs materialize out of thin air. The young man looks so happy with his manila folder (most likely holding his resume) gently against his chest. He says he heard a lot about me from the press and assures me that he wants nothing more than to work for me.
I just want to go home. But he sits down across from me. He unzips his white jacket, beckoning me to admire his physique. Then he carefully hangs his hoodie on my coat rack. His shirt is a v-neck. The young man has tempting-looking chest hair. It is more than obvious that he yearns for my touch.
He knocks on my door and told me to help him clean up the house to surprise my mother when she gets home. I reply if he pays me money, I’ll do whatever he wants me to do. My stepdad giggles playfully as he barges into my room and unplugs my game console. That is the last straw. He answers my unexisting plea to take away my virginity. It sucks cus the least he can do is pay me afterwards but sometimes he doesn’t.
I get up soon after the young man sat down to lock my office door for privacy from my employees who went to their respective homes an hour before. I tell him that I’m not currently hiring at this point in time but I can reconsider if he admits he’ll do anything if I pay him to do it. I stole his smile. A scared expression is left behind on his face while I tear his smile off his porcelain face.
Masturbation had lost its fun since I no longer had an audience. The buzzing of the night light kept me up all night long. I didn’t sleep a wink. I crack myself up sometimes as my laughter fills the empty void. Just when I think I lost my mind entirely, I lose it a little bit more. I can no longer plant this seed anywhere other than my bedsheets. My bed wanted me to cultivate this undead garden, hardening along with the red eyes across the room reminding me that I had an audience after all. A sexy doctor peeked into my room, beckoning me to take his smile away from him too.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Boy Toy

The rapist led me to my therapist,
He said I’m beyond repair,
For me to take these pills,
Sedate the roots of my despair,

Men will be the death of me,
He said I’m incomplete,
For me to sabotage myself,
Abandon flout sanity,

Prior trauma soaked ’til soggy,
He said I’m better off,
For me to disown hope,
And leave my life to chance aloft,

Even benign recollection,
He said that love dies,
For me to toss my halo,
Downgrade to a carnival prize,

Negligence is winning the lottery,
He said it beats abuse,
For me to undeceive,
Mediocre sex ties my noose,

Patriarchy exists no more,
He likes to walk away,
For me to learn my lesson,
Mourning to morning night to day,

Married guys their spouse a nuisance,
He wants a change of pace,
For me his younger model,
Now he wants to redeem his space,

I’m just someone men take frustration on,
He said it’s our little secret,
For me to keep it shut,
And leave it open when he needs it

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂