Open Your Mind

I close my eyes to feel everything

How long has it been since you exiled me into a land of desolation?
How many times did you repress your memories of me into submission?
How often did you reassure me that I could be myself
As long as I had achieved your quintessential expectations?

I don’t need you to respect me
‘Cus I respect me,
Nor do I need you to love me
‘Cus I love me,
But I want you to know
That you can get to know me,

If you would just open your mind

The Five Sons of Grief

One wore his heart like a crown,
And pretended you were still around

One never learned of forgiveness,
Burning in a pool of his own vengeful sickness

One played the devil’s advocate,
Who sold his soul without commitment

One dreamt away his life,
For every waking moment was in strife

And one grows fond of the change in seasons,
Winter preludes Spring and he knows the reasons

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PSYCHOSIS

Good afternoon to my psychotic fallen angels! It took only so much turmoil to finally surrender my sanity. As a child, I cared a lot about how my classmates and how my family members perceived me. None of them are in my life now. I’m starting to form a theory that depression, loneliness, selfishness, paranoia, and fear are default emotions while any positivity only comes around when you really, really try to find it. Or perhaps this theory is biased because it stems from purely my own life experience. Who the hell knows? I like to consider myself a philosopher (an existentialist and an extreme neutralist). In other words, I believe that “human nature” is a myth and that I can do anything I want as long as I don’t break the law. I fall into many other categories that tie into the fabled “human nature” but one category that seems to be one of the new minority focusses in America is stigma pertaining to mental health. I lost track of how many mental health problems I have. The system was the only family I was fond of as an adolescent. Psych wards, state hospitals, residentials, group homes, you name it, I’ve been there. At least I never have to worry about getting drafted for the military. Psychosis is one of the diagnosis I garner. It is a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality. Oh wells! I know people say I shouldn’t let my mental health problems define who I am, but I don’t mind. I enjoy it. I’m not joking nor being sarcastic. I really love my mental health problems. I would just be another boring person in this world’s contradictory existence. They give me character and depth and uniqueness to the essence of who I am. Embrace your fears. Become your fears. I used to be so ashamed of myself. Look at me now. And did you know Batman was actually afraid of bats? He embraced the bat. He became the bat. Think about that next time you host a pity party that no one will RSVP to. There’s only one you. Learn to enjoy your own company. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

“Sleigh”

My eyes see more when they are closed,

Memories emanate threats no longer posed,

I can listen better when my mouth is shut,

Born and raised from the cut,

I can feel better when our hands don’t touch,

Loveless intimacy doesn’t matter as much,

It doesn’t seem like people are people anymore,

Just living sex toys I can use then throw out the door,

I can breathe easier when I leave my comfort zone,

Can’t establish relationships only on the phone,

Confiding in friends I have feared to trust for so long,

And to swallow my pride will help me become strong,

Addiction is not just something you smoke or drink,

Eat or blow it could also be something you wouldn’t think,

Would cause such a catastrophic heartache,

Or physical acts of love you can effortlessly fake

Always end with a kiss

Shadows spill on the walls made to defend,

For loneliness is not worthless,

Enduring the crevices for hardship’s a godsend,

Failure doesn’t exist but the interior is still a mess,

Depleting all black sludge from the alcove,

No use crying over spilled milk,

Gratitude and puissance dove,

From Elysium meander down like silk,

The king nidificates his crown atop his head,

Belgian nuns misplace their two eyes to appreciate the third,

Minstrels convivially express themselves through song,

Lovers hold on to anything and everything,

A pharaoh treats their body as the temple they govern,

Belly dancers convey concupiscence to earn a living,

Mankind rely on belief that God will give just enough to handle,

Rooted to the floor while the darkness imitates,

If one can convince themself to be hopeless,

Surely the coin’s benign side can be just as persistent,

Cast forth Roy G. Biv a halo of color hovering above,

Spiraling and emanating before the makeshift tree,

Entangled sacrilege encased underneath a rainbow fleece,

Morph into any way the light decides to reflect,

Texture of choice for the cloaked figure in the distance can’t see,

Just a sphere of white mist translucent yet not duplicated,

For evil is subjective both fire and sunlight are illuminescent,

Yet opposing forces each attract only their own respective brethren,

All good stories are concluded wars and well-deserved peace

Accept Death’s gentle release,

A passionate kiss shared between two beneficial friends

Spread my ashes here

Where I met my first love,
Where I escaped from a broken home,
When my existence was sad and forlorn,
Where I knew my life was changed forever,
West Hartford Center,

Who I was before,
A scared and angry adolescent,
Who I am now,
A resilient and positive mister,
West Hartford Center,

Why did I ever leave,
Why did I have to move away,
Why did I have to grow up and pay bills,
Why does everything I touch wither,
West Hartford Center,

When I began to fathom love’s embrace,
When I experienced my first official heart break,
When I became one of those adults guarded from all emotion,
When life shoved it’s dick further,
West Hartford Center,

What do I do now in this crowded yet lonely world,
What new kind of beautiful lies will provoke my repressed desire,
What will be the title of the next chapter of my life,
What place can awaken the story that prevented anyone to enter,
West Hartford Center, 

How is someone like me pure of heart yet misfortunate,
How can bad things still happen to good people,
How will this place revive me when hope had just been born,
How can a man darken my state of mind as I placed him on an alter,
West Hartford Center

It was here where he came up to me,
Asked me if I’d rather stay with him or go home,
I can’t think of a better place to spread my ashes than here,
Just to do it all again and board the emotional roller coaster,
West Hartford Center

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

History repeats itself (revised)

Good afternoon to my loving fallen angels! I have been going hardcore with the poetry lately, huh? Lol Anyway don’t you find it funny how life is a play and we’re constantly changing roles? When I was a kid, my dad walked out on us. Not uncommon in this day and age. So my mother raised me to hate him. Her and my sisters constantly talked shit about him, never turning the page. Heartbreak on repeat. I grew up hating him until I finally agreed to stay the Summer with my father when I started middle school. I realized my dad was a good person. One of the most pure-hearted people I’ve ever known. He told me he simply stopped loving her. My mom treated him poorly when they were together and her family/ his in-laws never welcomed him into the family. He wanted to visit me and my brother but he had too much anxiety. Too many people in my family were against him. So that was that. Since that Summer, I spent as much time with him as possible. I loved him. More than my mother, I realized later on. I respected him. My ex fiance stopped loving me. Yeah I retaliated and hit him below the belt (metaphorically. I would never ruin his precious cargo. Lmao!) but at the end of the day, there’s nothing I can do to make him want me like when he first met me. Now I find myself breaking a lot of guys’ hearts. To be honest, I have no remorse. I’m not heartless, I’m just human. I have so much love to give but apparently I haven’t met the right guy to give it too. It’s okay. We all change roles in our lives. The third spiritual law states that I have no control over anyone but myself and that I must accept that. And I do. But I still miss my ex everyday. If I never learned to control my emotions, I would probably have went down a very dark path. I am okay. You will too. The roles we all play in life are temporary if you just turn the page. Have a wonderful day, my fallen angels! Over and out. (I had to take a huge chunk of this post out because I thought the original post would help my ex-sister-in-law but I guess not. I tried. It’s not my responsibility.)

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Empathy 101

In life, emotions are the cause of everything. Good and bad. As empaths, we are very sensitive to emotion. We feel what others feel as our own burden so there are some precautionary measures that must take place. It is a blessing but it can be a curse if you don’t learn to control it. Ground, center, and shield. Know the laws of attraction, allowance, and acceptance. The past no longer exists. The future has yet to exist. Either way, right now is all that matters. Yoga and meditation works well to maintain and focus while doing your daily ritual. Empathy is a way of life. It requires belief of the spiritual realm. Love defeats evil. Positivity defeats negativity. Hope defeats fear. Good luck on your personal endeavors and on your own journey in life.

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Help is not the same without family

Hola! What adventures will you embark on today? Anyway, lately I have been getting the feeling that nobody genuinely cares about me. Boo hoo! Lol But in all seriousness,  I have been in the system since I was 14 years old. No, I’ve never been arrested. 14 was the year I first tried to commit suicide. Since then til last year, I was in psych wards, state hospitals, alternative schools, group homes, residential, and transitional homes. I had my fair share of therapy and psych medicine. Although I have come a long way in my road to recovery, this gnawing feeling of inhospitable loneliness clings onto me everyday. I never had a stable home or anyone I really considered family. I had a lot of services throughout the years though. Don’t get me wrong! I’m very grateful for my therapist and additional services I receive from DMHAS but I doubt it’s the same as having a family. I watch a lot of tv and I see these shows like Modern Family or The Middle. Family seems like a burden and they may be annoying as all hell but at the end of the day, they have each other’s backs. Besides one day of the week, my therapist is off the clock. I had the same therapist for years but I doubt she considers me family. She has a family and life of her own and I’m simply just a client. I accept that for what it is. What does it feel like to be a part of a family?  The idea of family repulses me to no end yet maybe that’s because I find it to be co-dependent and weak. At the end of the day, I know if I fail to pay my bills, I will homeless again. If I get arrested, no one will bother to bail me out. If I run out of food, no one will give me any. That’s life. At least that’s my life. Family would sure help but I’m so independent and a lone wolf simply doesn’t have the luxury of dependency. Sure my therapist or my job coach could help me if I needed a bus pass or a laundry card but that’s not like family. There’s a procedure and paperwork that has to be done in order to keep me serviced. It’s not out of the kindness of their hearts. They get paid to help me. I’m grateful but I have yet to know what’s it’s like to be cared for. It seems the only way to have a family is to marry into one. I would have to allow myself to fall in love and share my life with someone else. That’s frightening. My brother has no sense of family either. He married into a family but by observation, he will never officially be an addition to his wife’s family entirely. They don’t go out of their way for him. They do a halfass job just to make him think he’s any importance to their family. It’s sad but my brother would rather tolerate that than face the fact that I am the only family he has left. That he is just as alone as I am. I, myself, can’t live in denial like he can. But to each his own, I guess. In retrospect, maybe marrying into a family isn’t a secure option either. I’m contempt with being alone. I have my services, my confidant, very few friends, and my coping skills. I must continue to live regardless of the cards I was dealt. Have a wonderful day, my fallen angels! Over and out.

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Tell Me What It’s Like

You were a mother,
Overwhelmed by the power,
Of her son,
And his father,
Spent your years,
Protecting him,
From all your fears,
Even when your light grew dim,
Loving him so…
Raising him so…
You thought that he would be grateful,
Now he’s grown up,
You kicked him out the door,
And out of your life,
Nine months in your womb,
18 years under your roof,
Surpassed all the gloom,
Violence and abuse spelled out “doom,”
Oh tell me what it’s like,
To abandon him so quickly,
I know parenthood ain’t easy,
When you’re playing both roles,

Ever since his father,
Walked out on you all,
You raised him,
To hate him,
You been with other guys since then,
These other guys you easily let in,
A home full of minors,
Abused like hitchhikers,
Don’t you care at all?
I reached out to you,
But I have matured and forgave,
You choose to remain the same,
Oh tell me what it’s like,
To not know where your last born is,
Does he ever cross your mind?
A mistake you wish you aborted,

I’m doing fine,
I’m doing just fine,
If you haven’t guessed by now,
I am your son,
You thought I was mentally challenged,
But the only challenge I faced was you,
You never bothered to get to know me,
But I don’t have to worry,
Cus worry is the misuse of imagination,
I will not sign that proclamation,

Growing old is mandatory,
Growing up is optional,
I trek through the harder left,
You breeze through the easy right,
Never to coincide,
Never to intersect,
Parallel lines,
All lead to the unknown,
I will walk this path to the orient,
You will stay astray reliant,
On self-mutilation,
Lonely scars you always reopen,

I can never let you in,
It’s neither here nor there,
A condescending grin,
For I no longer care

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