Speechless

There were so many people
some were fun
some were evil
everyone got in the way
till you came
by one day
the last time that I saw you
we did coke
in my car
I never thought we’d get far
stumblin’
out of the bar
You took the time to know me
you were sad
I was lonely
I had judged you so quickly
enabled
you slowly
I’m sorry I forgive you
just come back
I miss you
my life is so empty
meaningless
without you
tell me how low you can go
please show me
I must know
love hides behind words unsaid
is that why
you’re speechless?

Addicted To A Memory

 

Remnants of a sullen hypocrisy

Oblivious to an inevitable prophecy

Sometimes I think I’m the messiah

So indulged in longing and self-pity

 

Revisiting the crime scene like a sleuth

In savage hunger for my false truth

Overlooking the detrimental with magnanimity

Bellicose instigation of a mind uncouth

 

Some gladly pour my essence into their hearts

Some deny all involvement like I’m just spare parts

The rest grow abhorrent in desire of my downfall

My sanity strew victim by poison darts

 

Second by second dying but not yet dead

The past plagues me while whales swim in my bed

All because I’m addicted to a memory

I surrender to a sleepy interim from the water I tread

 

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Drama Infestation

Good day to my anxious fallen angels! I thought I knew it all. Yet I also have this old proverb in mind: The wisest people can admit that they know nothing [compared to what they could know.] Being a loner is safe and calming. However, recently I have been challenging myself to be less introverted. So I joined PRIDE club at my college. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna bore you with the details of my ongoing obsession with a man I can’t have. They’re the most addicting kind of people. November 18th will be my first ever drag show. I will be a gothic queen named Seductress (seduce+mistress). The song I’m gonna do is Cool For The Summer by Demi Lovato. I gotta wax and do makeup. (Good thing I already bought my costume.) I have been practicing my dance routine in heels at my local park. Civilians pose a threat because anyone foreign of my knowledge is frightful to me. Anyway, I notice the other members of PRIDE club constantly talk shit about each other. Once someone leaves the room, the absent member becomes a target. No doubt they talk shit about me once I depart from their presence as well. That’s what I get for leaving my comfort zone for some fresh air. Perhaps fresh air doesn’t exist anymore, or ever did for that matter. So much drama occurs when people outside my mind come into view. I don’t trust them. But I’m not doing drag for them, I’m doing it for my own personal gain. I always wanted to try it. Joining PRIDE was a way to relinquish my curiosity and making friends was just an added yet far-fetched bonus. I know you all must be dying to see me in my alternative garb. I will definitely post pictures and maybe even videos of this spectacular event in my life when we cross that bridge together. My fallen angels, be careful but not too careful, or you will end up like me. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Trio of Lonely Triplets


Capable of love,

Cares more than anyone knows,

But I don a mask,


Pseudo-heartlessness,

Resist human desire,

To sustain safety,


utter loneliness

another great addiction,

Autumnal delight


Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Obsessed with Kryptonite

Hello to my obsessed fallen angels! It’s funny how I want so desperately for someone to care about me yet I honestly don’t give two fucks about anyone other than myself. I am a hypocrite. It’s ironic how I can be a social butterfly flapping my gums while not really saying much. I am a poser. My career path strays towards helping the reputation of people with mental health problems yet I doubt we will ever be taken seriously. I am a sell-out. I’m in love with the idea that someday I can have my cake and eat it too. Same goes for the power that men have over me. This guy I’m currently interested in actually has two suitors awaiting his decision apart from me. I’m not gonna hang on for dear life to find out who he finds to be his most worthy mate. Fuck that! And yet I find myself waiting by for his call or his text. Any proof that I’m of any value to him. I don’t literally wait by the phone. I mean I got shit I gotta do on a daily basis but you get the idea. Although I really like this guy, I’m gonna try not to be his third suitor. Boy, he must feel really high and mighty. How come I don’t have suitors?! Why can’t someone be obsessed with me for once?! I’m tired of being the obsessor. Their glowing rods appeal to me, vigorously attracting me to them like a moth to a flame. I need to go back to “Sleigh.” I missed two weeks already. The first week I missed was because of that stupid charity run that stemmed across two adjacent cities. It blocked off every damn road and really fucked up the bus routes that day. The second week I missed was because I thought I could buy a replacement charger for my laptop at Best Buy and still be able to make it to “Sleigh.” Man, was I wrong! Now that tomorrow is imminent, I decided to skip the parade I was supposed to march in to go “Sleigh” instead. The object of my desire was gonna march with me tomorrow and no matter how much I yearn to be in his company, I have to take care of myself first. At least I acknowledge that I can get easily obsessed with an attractive man and that I’m taking initiative to work on my addiction. One day at a time. I need to find a happy medium. No more living by my moral code: Leave me alone, I’m lonely . A part of me really enjoys my privacy and this chronic loneliness I am cursed with. Yet I desire companions of biblical proportions. I’m a handful of paradoxes. I’ll get through this somehow. I’ve survived worse. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

The Ritual

Good morning to my addicted fallen angels! Feel free to partake a generous portion of pure selfish indulgence today! Whether it’s liquor or cigarettes or food or sex or even love. But despite all the loved ones in our lives that we hold dear, aren’t we all just selfish and alone? Maybe I’m just paranoid or maybe I’m a bit touched in the head but from my life experience as of now, I realized that you can never know, trust, or rely on someone 100%. Perhaps some of us cannot accept these harsh truths. And maybe this theory doesn’t only have to do with people. Co-dependency and always feeling like it’s not enough is where addiction is born and forged into our minds. Some of us who have acknowledged our unique addiction tend to gravitate towards anonymous meetings if they choose to seek help. Unfortunately, sometimes an addiction exists yet is never treated or even admitted by the addictor. So they continue to let their addiction consume them as it gets bigger and bigger and harder to control. Some even think it’s the norm. The ritual revolving around the seven deadly sins peaks the most interest. Let’s be honest: Overeat. Seek vengeance. Hookup with a sexy stranger. Don’t go to church. Pity those who are less fortunate. Always get more than you need. Backstab a friend for they have what you don’t. We all do it but that doesn’t mean it’s good for you. If you have an addiction to anything, seek help immediately because it will only get worse if left untreated. I have been discussing addiction in a few of my previous posts because, personally, I have come to realize that I have a certain type of addiction too. If you read any of my archives, you’ll probably figure it out yourself. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

“Sleigh”

My eyes see more when they are closed,

Memories emanate threats no longer posed,

I can listen better when my mouth is shut,

Born and raised from the cut,

I can feel better when our hands don’t touch,

Loveless intimacy doesn’t matter as much,

It doesn’t seem like people are people anymore,

Just living sex toys I can use then throw out the door,

I can breathe easier when I leave my comfort zone,

Can’t establish relationships only on the phone,

Confiding in friends I have feared to trust for so long,

And to swallow my pride will help me become strong,

Addiction is not just something you smoke or drink,

Eat or blow it could also be something you wouldn’t think,

Would cause such a catastrophic heartache,

Or physical acts of love you can effortlessly fake

Zombie slumber party!

Pinocchio! Pistachio! Fellatio! Wouldn’t it be sexy to perform necromancy to resurrect zombies for a slumber party? But I need a sacrifice. Lamb are too boring. Maybe an ex or an enemy? Nah! Donald Trump is a perfect choice! I doubt he’s worth anything in the spirit realm though. Besides, his toupee probably ate his soul anyway so his body is merely an empty vessel.  No more nocturnal emissions for him! Some might say that’s his real hair but I believe it’s his hair from his ass. Trump talks so much shit that his ass hair migrated to the top of his scalp. So that won’t do… How about Nicki Minaj? I really want a ménage à trois with some dead people! Grr! I don’t know who to kill! Elephants still stand when they’re electrocuted. It takes poise and balance to be sexually stimulated. Steven Hawking lubricates everyone’s asses in preparation for a soundless wind breaking the moonlit night. He’s valuable in making this party fun so I have to let him live. Who else could I sacrifice for my own personal gain? I can’t sleep because my illuminated halo is keeping me awake. The dead always intrigues me in some undeserving trance. So the only time I would pay any attention to anyone is if they passed on. Converting someone I hate to someone I admire requires their death to occur. So that means everyone cus generalizations are a way of life. And so now, I have billions of zombie fwb’s that lasted longer than that orgasmic night. Fascination in apocalypse, disappointment surviving 2012, that’s okay! Everyone is dead to me regardless! 🙂

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Unquenched desire

Carve out the poignant source of a vampire’s elixir,
Urges full of vanity and lust ushers
away from its zenith,
Feelings dipped in unconditional fate unreciprocated,
Our union was founded on informal fornication soaked in sin,
Yet the butterflies subjected to the work of necromancy,
Pleads to trek through this Corinthian labyrinth,
My love…
Suppressed and abandoned until it can barely be recalled,
I yearn for your masculine embrace succumbing to addiction,
This chemistry we garner saps at my strength routinely,
Adverting my gaze from any other man apart from you,
Faithful I would be even if I’m not your only sexual escapade,
Your sensual touch is misleading mistaken for the real thing,
Naivety has surely run its course however I’m completely aware,
Prevent the green from overthrowing the indigo child from his throne,
Peeking out between the gates betwixt my elderly soul,
…Heading towards the swaying crimson dream asunder…

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

He reminds me of my father

Hello to my fallen angels! Somewhere along my relationship with my ex, I became obsessed with him. He was like a drug that was ever so addicting. To this day, I feel like I’m going through withdrawal.

image

I relapsed yesterday. It was around midnight and I was feeling very lonely. So I called him. I memorized his number, and I don’t think I will ever forget it. It’s stuck in my long term memory forever. His phone was ringing for thirty seconds. Thirty seconds of anxiety and fear. But he must have fell asleep with his phone on. So I left my ex a voicemail. I tried my best to not cry. Even at my lowest, I attempt to play it cool. I told him that I was worried about his well-being and I wanted to make sure he was doing fine and a request for him to call me back. Then I felt stupid and weak. I hate weakness. It’s pitiful to me. Then that suicidal ideation came back. So I called the Trevor Project. It’s a national suicide hotline specifically for the young LGBT Community for ages 18-24. A lady named Renee spoke to me for about a half hour. We covered so much in that short time. I told her a brief synopsis of my past relationship with him. She asked me if I always feel like this. I said no. Then she asked me what triggered these feelings. I recall that a couple days prior, I came across his Facebook page in the “People you may know” section. His profile picture… so handsome…. I told Renee that I broke up with him several months ago. I think I had to. He reminds me of my father. My father was a beautiful person but I never understood why my mom divorced him until recently. My mother described him as having two prominent sides to himself. One side was polite, playful, loving, and sweet. The other half was dark, self-destructive, negative, and sinful. I hated my mother for leaving my dad but now that I have gone through the same thing with a man, I found myself forgiving my mom for everything she has done to me. This pain I feel for losing my ex is hard enough. For my mother to still take care of me and my three siblings too must have been very difficult for her. I last saw my ex at a Subway Restaurant. He offered to buy me food, but I politely declined. I waited for him to pay for his sandwich and sit down beside me. He had wanted to talk about starting over again with me. I told him that it’s impossible. We had so much history together and for us to start from scratch was laughable. I told my ex that I didn’t love him anymore, even though, to this day, I never stopped loving him. He looked so hurt as I walked away. I keep thinking about the look on his face that day. I cry silently in the sanctity of my own home. I couldn’t handle his dark side anymore. In the past, I believed that I must take the pain with the pleasure. But I was wrong. Renee said I shouldn’t have to contain my feelings and emotions to satisfy my ex. He was so adamant on proving to me that he had no feelings or emotions, that he was strong and stoic like a robot. Why can he claim he loved me without those two things? He was my first love. I wasn’t a virgin when I met him but he introduced me to what love really is. I said to Renee that I don’t think I will ever love anyone or anything ever again. I lost interest in everyone else but him. There are beautiful, attractive men out there in the world but they are nothing to me. Anyway, I decided to major in Psychology under Liberal Arts. Renee told me that is a great idea. My personal experiences and sympathy will make me an astounding therapist. I felt better. Then I fell asleep and woke up this morning for church. Hope. Faith. God. The only things I live for. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.