CAUTION

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Hello to my cautious fallen angels! It’s been a while since I last checked in. I tend to write poetry and short stories, but there’s nothing wrong with that.

It’s Mother’s Day and the sadness wrecks havoc once again. I was an unusual child. My mother was afraid of me. She called me “the sick boy.” I spoke of death, misery, and hopelessness around the time my parents were divorced, and also during the time I began to get bullied in school. Then, trauma ensued and I became catatonic from the age of 10 to 18. I dressed in gothic garments, cut myself regularly, and tried to commit suicide whenever I was bored so she could keep me entertained. I blamed her for the loss of my innocence even though she didn’t do it directly.

I used to have sex with gangsters for drugs and pickpocket strangers on the streets to survive. My mother was a whore, and there was never food in the house. I went in and out of psych wards, residentials, group homes, and state hospitals. I got expelled from four different high schools before I finally graduated.

By then, my mother no longer bothered visiting me, let alone keeping me entertained. She gave up on me. I am the “Jason Todd”* of her four children.

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*Jason Todd was the second Robin after Dick Grayson. He was murdered by The Joker. Then, he was resurrected by the use of Ra's Al Ghul's Lazarus Pit. Jason Todd became a villain called The Red Hood.

Now I am a grown man. And every Mother’s Day that comes and goes relinquishes the mental bind I constructed to keep these horrid memories at bay.

I am socially rejected by almost every social group dynamic I have come across throughout the years. I am guarded and I hardly let anyone in. I portray this dark persona but I believe myself to be very gentle and kind. I must be cautious at all times. It’s days like today that never let me forget why I always exercise CAUTION.

Well, just because I hate Mother’s Day due to association by my own life’s experience, it doesn’t mean you feel the same way. At that note, I wish you all a Happy Mother’s Day!

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Spread my ashes here

Where I met my first love,
Where I escaped from a broken home,
When my existence was sad and forlorn,
Where I knew my life was changed forever,
West Hartford Center,

Who I was before,
A scared and angry adolescent,
Who I am now,
A resilient and positive mister,
West Hartford Center,

Why did I ever leave,
Why did I have to move away,
Why did I have to grow up and pay bills,
Why does everything I touch wither,
West Hartford Center,

When I began to fathom love’s embrace,
When I experienced my first official heart break,
When I became one of those adults guarded from all emotion,
When life shoved it’s dick further,
West Hartford Center,

What do I do now in this crowded yet lonely world,
What new kind of beautiful lies will provoke my repressed desire,
What will be the title of the next chapter of my life,
What place can awaken the story that prevented anyone to enter,
West Hartford Center, 

How is someone like me pure of heart yet misfortunate,
How can bad things still happen to good people,
How will this place revive me when hope had just been born,
How can a man darken my state of mind as I placed him on an alter,
West Hartford Center

It was here where he came up to me,
Asked me if I’d rather stay with him or go home,
I can’t think of a better place to spread my ashes than here,
Just to do it all again and board the emotional roller coaster,
West Hartford Center

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading ๐Ÿ™‚

MORE notes scribbled in haste

Part two of Notes scribbled in haste

My assigned therapist at the ER said I’m beyond repair,
To take these pills to null the pain of my problematic mind,
The seizure’s effects wore off afterย I gave up fighting off nurses,
I was afraid of needles at the time and an IV fell into that category,
So a note was written in the shrink’s notepad,
“Psych Evaluation diagnosis: patient must be admitted to the hospital for psychiatric treatment until further notice.”
I just left the week before and now I have to go right back to the psych ward,
When they brought me in on the stretcher to the day room,
The other patients looked up for a moment before they realized I wasn’t anything special,
But it was different this time around,
I wasn’t afraid enough to cower in my room anymore,
I stepped off the platform and sat right down next to the others,
A note was scribbled in haste on the whiteboard:
“Name: Sufian, Gender: Male,
room #: 23, Assigned therapist: Laura.”
So I guess it wasn’t total indiscretion,
Confidentiality prevented the staff members from writing more on the board,
Like why I was admitted this time,
Seizure due to drug overdose,
Failed suicide attempt chickened out at the last moment,
I was just gonna try again once I was released but where was I gonna live?
I scared my grandma half to death,
I remember pulling the emergency cord when I lost complete control of my body’s movement,
She came busting in and wondered what was happening,
I told her to call 9-1-1 but she didn’t know what I was saying,
Nieve-uno-uno, Nieve-uno-uno!
That she understood,
the ambulance came soon after but I was too heavy to lift onto the stretcher,
You’re a big boy. You gotta get on this stretcher yourself.
The woman told me but I just struggled to say I was seizing,
I brought myself back to the present but it was easier to stay in the past,
No one loved me anymore in the present,
A staff handed everyone an itinerary for the day:
“9-10am: group therapy
10:11am: relaxation group
11:12noon: recreational activities
12-12:30pm: Lunch
12:30-2pm: staff transition ALL PATIENTS MUST STAY IN THEIR ROOMS…”
To this day I’m against group therapy cus I prefer one-to-one,
The other patients don’t need to know my business,
For what? So they can use it against me somehow?
The two hour window from noon to two was the only thing I looked forward to now,
Relaxation group introduced guided meditation,
But I wasn’t ready for that quite yet,
My thoughts were racing and I was worrying about where I was going to live,
Perhaps it would be easier to go in and out of psych wards for the remainder of my life,
I eventually met my assigned therapist and I told her everything,
I didn’t care about being vulnerable anymore,
She seemed like a reliable confidant,
But I was wrong,
Eventually during the second week I was there she gave up on me,
She said I frustrated her and therapy would never work for me,
Depression turned to anger,
Why the fuck did you waste my time then?!
I yelled at the top of my lungs,
After that I felt something inside me die forever,
All my sadness morphed into rage,
I began to flip out and get restrained everyday until one day I got visitors,
My current therapist I still have as I’m typing this post and the head of a transitional home met with me,
I agreed to become a part of DMHAS and to live at the transition home for I didn’t have any other choice,
A pleasant note from a roommate I met there is still in my possession:
“I’m so glad we’re friends. Everyone here is on their own journey. I find it easier to make friends in the system. Do you agree?”
Yes. I definitely agree.

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading ๐Ÿ™‚

If you can’t beat ’em, keep trying

Good evening to my accomplished fallen angels! How are you doing? So have you ever acknowledged your good and evil sides? Do we start from birth as pure as can be? Or is it a neutral blank slate kind of ordeal? I don’t expect anyone I answer two out of those three questions. Rhetorical situations… The best times in life are rhetorical. Let’s assume life starts pure-hearted. Then add in genetics and upbringing. Are you still pure? I wasn’t. Anyway schooling gets mixed in. Being around peers for the first time in your life. That can go either way. Then adolescence, from 13-18 years old= introduction to hell. Friendships created and dissolved in a short time span. First love occurs, that early… if you’re lucky. It took until after graduation for me to start being attractive. Independence takes place soon after. Trials and tribulations gnaw at you like starving vampires and you’re their first human in years. Bills, work, school, family, friends, ramen noodles for months, red bull and coffee just to stay working, partying and boys (or girls, whatever…), survival of the fittest, and suddenly all the evil and condescending rage eats up at you. Will you let the darkness take over? Will you tarnish your purity for personal gain? People constantly using you for money or sex or labor or a laugh that will make their day yet leave you exhausted and alone at night. They say if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Not me. Hustlers on the streets begging for a dollar, rich snobs laughing in your face, and the inevitable war within yourself. Should you defend your benevolence or allow shadows to intervene? A life undiscovered, not resolved. As humans, we have the luxury to pick our path to righteousness or repeated sin. Indulge in your urges, regardless if it hurts the ones around you. Or go out of your way to save a complex race. The choice is yours. But just to let you know, evil is weakness for they are not strong enough to keep Satan at bay. It takes more strength to save a life than to end one, especially your own. Fantasy is the best place to contain the darkness. Make it your reality and you better hope there’s no afterlife for you would get the short end of the stick. I, myself, am lost in fantasy, inside the magical worlds of infinite storytelling. It’s never too late for me to come back but keeping darkness behind is quite an endeavor. Look at me, ranting on about nothing and everything, like a mad scientist or a philosopher who got fired for daydreaming. I say, if you can’t beat ’em, keep trying because it’s never too late to formulate the perfect balance within yourself. Hope beats fear every time. Evil power always requires sacrifice. Be good for me, will ya? Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! ๐Ÿ™‚