All The Right Places

Hello to my oddly optimistic fallen angels! I realized that if I expect people to treat me bad and go into a situation thinking that way, then only negative things will happen. Today, I tried a more positive approach. I was more social, I never mentioned any mental health jargon, and I engaged in rather normal conversations. I met new people as well as strengthened my existing friendships. I took initiative to start attending free guitar lessons that go on in my college. I haven’t touched my personal guitar in months. I took initiative to play video games with some other college students at the student lounge. I took initiative in contacting my friends through text and phone calls to plan to hang out in person just for the hell of it. I think the reason why I have felt alone for so long is that I never took the initiative. I always expected people to reach out to me, but it’s not realistic to wait for someone to read my mind. As a child, I was told to do certain things like chores or to go to grade school because I had to. But when I became an adult myself, I realized no one is gonna tell me to do my laundry or wake up to go to my morning courses. We can do anything we want as long as we don’t break the law. I can easily quit college, quit my job, delete all my social outlets, and just live off the state. I have done that in the past. But philosophically, seclusion is not a happy life. Some people are fairly decent if you look in the right places. Trust me, it is futile to resist the human urge to be social. Don’t be afraid to go outside and meet people! If money is an issue, there are plenty of free programs out there. If transportation is an issue, there are cheap ways to travel. The city bus or walking or making friends with people who have cars. Lol. There is a solution to any problem if you try hard enough. I hope you understand just how important human interaction truly is too. If you already know, then I’m proud of you. For the other lonely people like me, take initiative! Well, my fallen angels, have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

Monday, Tuesday, busy days! Wednesday, Thursday, busy days!

As Day 15 of Blogging101, I have declared every Wednesday from now on to be Check-In Wednesday. It’s a regular weekly feature on my blog. Enjoy!

Hello to my time-consumed fallen angels! It’s been a little while since my last post. Sorry about that. I know some of my fellow bloggers have become my regulars and I am truly grateful for their ongoing interest within my aegis loft. Anyway, my third semester at my college started last week so I have been busy a lot more lately. Full-time student, part-time worker looking for a better job. Love life is still a mess. However, I have a date next week with this guy I liked since I met him in the beginning of last semester. He recently got a boyfriend but I won a date with him fair and square. You see, because of my charming self, I challenged him to a Pokemon battle. We’re both into Pokemon and I thought that if I stayed within common interests, I’ll be able to get his attention. I beat him without cheating or anything. Despite him losing, he looked so happy. He has doubts about his boyfriend and he admitted he likes me too. So my love life may be getting better after all. Overall, I’m finally moving forward. I’m working on myself. School. Work. Dates. Church. Gym. Friends. Life. I love being busy. I love this human experience I am embarking on. I’m not afraid of death. I wouldn’t mind dying. But now I can wait for my last breath. I’m learning not to be afraid of living anymore. So get out there in the world and make something of yourself! We all have something to offer! Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

Body and Blood

I uttered a hushed prayer,
But it was much louder long ago,
A pool of tears in my palms I gather,
Leaving no room for a martyr’s body to go,

Desperately clinging onto grains of sand,
But time forces me down to brace myself for the flood,
The large boat only transports pairs to a new land,
Now I can’t live without a savior’s blood

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

The Lazarus Pit

Rusted metal head my splintered morning wood garner,
I unearth my backyard without a peep from the childhood pets now owned by a farmer.
Nevertheless a howling wind opposes my venture,
For I discovered the Lazarus Pit when I set aside my childish ways.
This is what it’s like to set aside my childish ways.
Toys that once distracted me I now bury deeper into life.

An angel fell dead at my feet in the middle of the night.
The blinds casted forth black and white stripes on its ethereal form ‘fore moonlight.
I waited ’til the Sun reclaimed his throne and ’til a cat got my tongue, As if nothing in this world was any better in the midst of it all.
Ceasing such beauty must be better in the midst of it all.
Liquid gold I let exalt me I now bury deeper into life.

His name served no purpose now that his soul contract has expired.
I recall he hugged my knees to beg for me to play with him but I was so tired.
This shovel must be held with gardening gloves modeled after the desperate damsel ‘fore me;
Unkindly strown on calloused hands to get the job done right.
Bragging ’bout a dismembered servant to get the job done right.
Untold mystery I tend to share I now bury deeper into life.

Sacrifice is all it took to rid myself of such ridicule.
Bugs from animal carcasses attached themselves onto the toys and their cadaver who was mistaken for a fool,
‘Tis I, longing a mate to aid me in digging a grave that’ll someday be robbed.
Black sludge isn’t praised for it’s easier to digest.
Desire relapse every night thus far for it’s easier to digest.
Dreams I yearn to dream I now bury deeper into life.

Just as I predicted with dark magic I try to prove is real,
My toys and my precedence rose from Gaia in a way that made me glad of the other end of the deal.
It went too far, however, or perhaps not far enough.
Soulless solace didn’t repel the bugs that were found scavenging my past,
As if I have control of who was found scavenging my past.
There is no fear that let me die as I now bury deeper into life.

I asked my mother where do babies come from.
She told me a stork drops them off but she killed it because it was so dumb.
I never agreed with her ’til now.
Bringing children into this world should be a crime.
Madness and despair that makes up this world should be a crime.
Toys and angels are forfeited by a regretful child as I now bury deeper into life.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

One Bad Day

I sat confined within the metal bars compressing me to a condensed version of an ambivalent world. Psychologist-infested daily routines didn’t always comprise my life’s entirety. It only took one bad day to rid me of my innocence forever.
Shadows spilled underneath my cot, behind the rusted toilet several paces away, and they ran away from the fluorescent lights twitching out in the corridor.
Red eyes glowed at night to accompany the darkness I fed earnestly throughout the day. It was an effective way to lose weight.
Years passed and so has three in-mates that took the pleasure of being my roommate. It came to the point where my past branched off into infinite alternate realities. That happens when you reach a certain age. Memories evolve into better or worse things depending on your mood.
I haven’t been outside since I moved in. The normies in their hospital scrubs always shut out the outside because I don’t deserve it anymore. All the other Malvolos lost their rights to freedom too, they kid around with me.
At a certain time of day, the leader of the normies announce from the walls that the lights must go out. We retreat back into our catacombs while being driven out of the community room like cattle.
I don’t bother talking to the other outsiders because I sleep alone regardless. Nothing new happened since The Assault. So I laid in the dark letting the last remnants of my eluded past reframe my dreams once more.
The Sun always radiates as bright as I remember. Maybe it was a tad bit brighter back then. The birds chirp as they perch themselves onto the trees my mother constantly refused to cut down. Her baby blue car is warming up in the driveway. My older brother (always was taller than me) sits in the front seat while my mother says her goodbyes to my stepdad. She is plotting against me with him. Then she glances at me, massaging her back and leaning on her scepter, and asks me if I’m positively sure if I want to stay at home instead of going with them to the local supermarket. I assure her that grocery shopping with her was as boring as school.
Then suddenly it’s nighttime and I skip forward past the awkward stage of puberty into the fathoms of adulthood. I’m closing up shop. Putting away spare boxes into the complacent shelves. I walk up to the entryway door to transform the “come on in, we’re open” sign to the “sorry, we’re closed” sign. But there’s this really sexy twink knocking softly on the glass. I yell out that we’re closed but he insisted on coming in to talk to me. He wants me to do it to him, I’m positive.
So the car drives itself away like fate so anxiously wanting to lay down its foundation. I give a quick smile to my stepdad just to be polite before going into my room to play some videogames. But that smile I flash at him is a green light for him to pursue me.
I lead him to my office in the basement where I let the cobwebs materialize out of thin air. The young man looks so happy with his manila folder (most likely holding his resume) gently against his chest. He says he heard a lot about me from the press and assures me that he wants nothing more than to work for me.
I just want to go home. But he sits down across from me. He unzips his white jacket, beckoning me to admire his physique. Then he carefully hangs his hoodie on my coat rack. His shirt is a v-neck. The young man has tempting-looking chest hair. It is more than obvious that he yearns for my touch.
He knocks on my door and told me to help him clean up the house to surprise my mother when she gets home. I reply if he pays me money, I’ll do whatever he wants me to do. My stepdad giggles playfully as he barges into my room and unplugs my game console. That is the last straw. He answers my unexisting plea to take away my virginity. It sucks cus the least he can do is pay me afterwards but sometimes he doesn’t.
I get up soon after the young man sat down to lock my office door for privacy from my employees who went to their respective homes an hour before. I tell him that I’m not currently hiring at this point in time but I can reconsider if he admits he’ll do anything if I pay him to do it. I stole his smile. A scared expression is left behind on his face while I tear his smile off his porcelain face.
Masturbation had lost its fun since I no longer had an audience. The buzzing of the night light kept me up all night long. I didn’t sleep a wink. I crack myself up sometimes as my laughter fills the empty void. Just when I think I lost my mind entirely, I lose it a little bit more. I can no longer plant this seed anywhere other than my bedsheets. My bed wanted me to cultivate this undead garden, hardening along with the red eyes across the room reminding me that I had an audience after all. A sexy doctor peeked into my room, beckoning me to take his smile away from him too.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

“Sleigh”

My eyes see more when they are closed,

Memories emanate threats no longer posed,

I can listen better when my mouth is shut,

Born and raised from the cut,

I can feel better when our hands don’t touch,

Loveless intimacy doesn’t matter as much,

It doesn’t seem like people are people anymore,

Just living sex toys I can use then throw out the door,

I can breathe easier when I leave my comfort zone,

Can’t establish relationships only on the phone,

Confiding in friends I have feared to trust for so long,

And to swallow my pride will help me become strong,

Addiction is not just something you smoke or drink,

Eat or blow it could also be something you wouldn’t think,

Would cause such a catastrophic heartache,

Or physical acts of love you can effortlessly fake

Friendship for the enemy

Untapped potential,
Subtlety in man’s presence,
Ripe fruit neglected,
Good enough to render satisfaction,
Effort waned,
Vested interest failed to achieve,
Mustard seeds grow roots,
Bloom not yet in season,
Man goes where he please,
Trees must stay where they’re conceived,
Generalizations for if some then all,
Villager angered by late harvest,
Fades away before friendship matures,
Betrayed by Pontius so betrayed by everyone and everything,
Not by the farmer’s time,
Needs to make due for the tax collectors,
Can’t barter with the martyr if He’s already dead

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Warmline Operator Bio

Before recovery, my life was…

hopeless, frustrating, and lonely. My family was very negative and constantly putting me down. Getting kicked out was a blessing in disguise.

My thoughts and feelings when I first started recovery were…

skeptical and pessimistic because people always told me that life will get better. I thought it was nonsense until I started believing in God and realizing that hardship is the only way to strengthen the soul.

What would you say is different about yourself now that you are in recovery, compared to how your life was before?

Positivity tends to come to me naturally now. I am a lot more self-aware and resilient as well. I have less people in my life these days, but at least I know now how to extract negative people from my social circle.

What are three ways that you maintain your recovery today?

a. Blogging

b. Physical Fitness

c. Keeping Busy (working out, attending college, going to church, etc.)

If you had the opportunity to tell another young person why they should seek recovery, what would you say?

Life is too short to be ashamed of your mental health problems. If you ignore them and leave them untreated, you will always be in misery. Life is not a video game either. You don’t have multiple lives. You only have one and it’s fragile and precious. We all have the ability to better ourselves and convert our trauma and hardship to our advantage.

Spread my ashes here

Where I met my first love,
Where I escaped from a broken home,
When my existence was sad and forlorn,
Where I knew my life was changed forever,
West Hartford Center,

Who I was before,
A scared and angry adolescent,
Who I am now,
A resilient and positive mister,
West Hartford Center,

Why did I ever leave,
Why did I have to move away,
Why did I have to grow up and pay bills,
Why does everything I touch wither,
West Hartford Center,

When I began to fathom love’s embrace,
When I experienced my first official heart break,
When I became one of those adults guarded from all emotion,
When life shoved it’s dick further,
West Hartford Center,

What do I do now in this crowded yet lonely world,
What new kind of beautiful lies will provoke my repressed desire,
What will be the title of the next chapter of my life,
What place can awaken the story that prevented anyone to enter,
West Hartford Center, 

How is someone like me pure of heart yet misfortunate,
How can bad things still happen to good people,
How will this place revive me when hope had just been born,
How can a man darken my state of mind as I placed him on an alter,
West Hartford Center

It was here where he came up to me,
Asked me if I’d rather stay with him or go home,
I can’t think of a better place to spread my ashes than here,
Just to do it all again and board the emotional roller coaster,
West Hartford Center

image

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Kick-in-the-crotch-spit-in-your-face fantastic!

Alas! I am Emperor Empath!

Begone, all negativity!

Cry no more for I’m rising from the ashes!

Dread and insanity fuels my reign!

Evil-doers and church-goers alike, rejoice!

Finally, my time has come for self-discovery!

Grotesque misuse of imagination is worry!

Hosanna in the highest! All seven chakras are centered!

Iceberg’s tip is all you’ll ever fathom!

Juxtaposition of boy meets world and our daily bread!

Kill the violence for murder and war has yet to die!

Laughing out loud to a world divided by categories!

Malicious thoughts of a dirty mind are cleansed by grounding!

Naughty humans repent whenever they want to!

Opalescence of a congressional anomaly!

Penance is free it’s virtue important!

Queens of drag express their femininity!

Repress your memories until they suffocate under the pressure!

Sufian, the infamous possession of a drunk personality asunder!

Train your mind and control your emotions!

Under the influence of a natural high and an inevitable low!

Veins depleted of evil’s black sludge and replaced with liquid gold!

Win this game of life! Never admit defeat!

Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters is where I graduated from!

You are in perfect health! You are still a good person, I tell myself!

Zealots will forever be un-shielded! Oblivious to the white light of God’s love and divine protection forevermore!