To Each His Own

To each his own. At one point in American History, black people were considered 3/5 of a person, women were nothing without a man, and gay marriage wasn’t legal until recently. So what stops anything from becoming the norm? Nudists or polyanimous marriages or even a utopian society can become the norm someday. Whether we’re alive to witness it happen or not is completely irrelevant. I’m miserable, but who honestly gives a fuck?

Hello to my unique fallen angels! I am so miserable. For a long time, I thought my misery stemmed from my ex or my past family drama. However, I forgave all of them a while ago. I’m indifferent towards them. I don’t even care enough to hate them or hold grudges against them. I get it. I don’t really have any family left. My ex moved on from me. It’s fine, really. This misery I feel is something totally different. You see, I’m a very simple man. As long as I have a roof over my head, food, clothes, and an ambience of safety, I’m good. I don’t care about name brands or what people think about me. Everyone is dealing with their own internal struggles. I go to college, work, the gym, and church but I don’t feel like anything I do amounts to anything truly important. I don’t feel inadequate though. My IQ is in the 140s so that’s not bad at all. I’m starting to think maybe life is too easy. That the “luxurious things in life” are just extra. As long as I can pay my bills and have some money left over to try to cheer myself up, I’m okay. I’m so bored with my life. I have been putting myself out there more and maintaining friendships yet it’s only a fleeting happiness that merely comes and goes without my consent. I am so miserable that I’m becoming physically sick.

I tend to compare myself to Ernest Hemingway a lot. A very intelligent man who was so intelligent that he couldn’t find the means to feel understood and couldn’t connect with other people. He ending up dying by his own volition just like so many other brilliant minds. They say humans are social creatures. Human nature doesn’t exist. There are two sides of me constantly upset with one another. One is like “what’s the point of interacting with other people outside the realm of vested interest?” While the other half is like “people bring out the best in me so why don’t I surround myself with them as much as possible?” I tend to see it so black and white.

I actually got offered to do drag again for this Thursday coming up but I’m not as excited as when I started doing drag. Perhaps the feeling will come back when the moment comes and goes.

I don’t know. I don’t understand how I can make people care about me. I don’t get how anyone can have time for anyone else. We’re always working or busy doing something or sleeping so how does one form a meaningful connection with another person? Do I even care? I must if I’m asking. Life is dull and lonely. It may just be my personal experiences but I notice that no matter if someone has a lot of money or not, or if someone has a lot of friends or not, or even if someone is famous or not, everyone is suffering one way or another. There’s no need for jealousy. Maybe this human life is a mere preliminary of something far more greater. Heaven and Hell? Something else? I don’t know… who the hell does?

I live my life utilizing superlatives and generalizations to indulge in my self-loathing. I find myself being void of all emotion – the good and the bad. I don’t care enough to hate anyone and love is too hard to come by. I do honestly believe that I felt happiest when I was with my ex-fiance. I hope he’s okay. I hope my mom’s okay. Despite everything, I’m indifferent. It’s hard to explain the feeling I’m trying to convey right now in this post.

No two people can ever have the same human experience. Our five senses of exceptionally unique. I believe that is why everyone has a different favorite food or color or kind of music (etc.). Each person garners a completely unique human experience. So what does it matter if I try to express my feelings for anything? We only blog to vent or to promote while only interacting with other blogs to better our own blogs. Hedonism and selfishness at its finest. No one likes to admit that they primarily do things for their own vested interest.

Loneliness is a state of mind, not of matter. No matter how many other people I try to be around or parties I attend, it’s all the same. This chronic loneliness is becoming a medical condition. I don’t care. Sometimes I think to myself that if I was diagnosed with cancer today, I would be relieved. I don’t fear death. I have tried to kill myself over a dozen times in my life but obviously I’m not good at it. So I gave up on giving up. I’ll just go through the motions, the ebb and flow of life. Whatever happens happens. I don’t care.

Perhaps God doesn’t exist after all. What a horrible thing to say considering that I got baptized just a few months ago. I know things can always get worse regardless.

I don’t get why so many people judge each other on their sexual orientation or religion or race. Who gives a fuck?

Who says I have to be diagnosed with major depression? A doctor that never been through it themselves? What if I’m the messiah or if I’ll be the first person to answer life’s questions? Or what if I’m just another person living in this world until Death comes to take me somewhere better and new?

Whatever anything ever is, simply is. So thanks for lasting this long and have a wonderful day! Over and out.

“Sleigh”

My eyes see more when they are closed,

Memories emanate threats no longer posed,

I can listen better when my mouth is shut,

Born and raised from the cut,

I can feel better when our hands don’t touch,

Loveless intimacy doesn’t matter as much,

It doesn’t seem like people are people anymore,

Just living sex toys I can use then throw out the door,

I can breathe easier when I leave my comfort zone,

Can’t establish relationships only on the phone,

Confiding in friends I have feared to trust for so long,

And to swallow my pride will help me become strong,

Addiction is not just something you smoke or drink,

Eat or blow it could also be something you wouldn’t think,

Would cause such a catastrophic heartache,

Or physical acts of love you can effortlessly fake

To let him down gently

Hello to my fallen angels! As a child, I was weak, naive, innocent, vulnerable, and defenseless. I had always been on the receiving end of heartbreak, trauma, abuse, neglect, and disownment. Now that I am grown, I realize just how it feels to inflict pain on others. The tormented becomes the tormentor. I find myself saying things to people that makes them instantly suicidal. A summary of my psychoanalysis of them. Just like the things my ex used to say to me. My ex was psychic and he said that if I knew my future, I would lose my mind and end up in an asylum for the rest of my life. He also said that after two years of knowing each other, he only let me through the side door. He never intended on giving all of himself to me ever. I felt suicidal in a heartbeat. Now there’s this new guy I am talking to that I am no longer interested in. Now I find myself having to end something that will hurt someone the same way my ex hurt me. I already constructed a psychoanalysis of the new guy and if I really wanted to, I could easily destroy him with my words as well. But I would never inflict the amount of pain my ex inflicted on me once upon a time. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. I haven’t really been 100% honest with the new guy. In a nutshell, he lives with his mother, four years older than me, no savings, no car, no friends, no sense of independence, a virgin, and he has the mentality of a female. Which turns me off quite so. Thats a summary. I could put more on this post but nothing good will come out of that. Subconsciously, my ex is my idol, my dark side that I find very sexy yet terrifying at the same time. Why Harley Quinn stays with Joker no matter how much he abuses her? Or why do women stay with abusive men when everyone knows there are ways to get out? It’s because there’s this sick, twisted side of people like me that enjoy being miserable, temperamental, argumentative, and submissive. So now three days straight, the new guy has been texting me hysterical cus I’m no longer replying to my texts. The same reason waiting for my ex’s call was a kind of maddening torture. I don’t know how to let him down gently the same way my ex didn’t even bother doing. I am in a better place in my life than I have ever been. I live alone with a built up savings account for I am very ambitious. I pay my own bills and I been through so much hardship that I am resilient, apathetic, and guarded. Nothing really phases me anymore. Some things that help me cope with a broken heart (as an empath) are practicing daily on grounding, centering, and shielding. The reason I care about letting this new guy down gently is because I want to be a better person my ex was. To be honest, if I never got my heart butchered by my ex’s pink knife, I wouldn’t give a damn about being nice. But my former flame changed the way I see the world. I could become him or forever oppose him. I choose the latter. For if my ex is truly evil, and I am a good soul, then by definition, our forces will forever clash. Not literally, metaphorically. So my good act will be to let the new guy down gently. But how I do that when I’m so used to enjoying hurting people? I’m asking you, my fallen angels, is there a good way to break things off with someone? If so, how? A victim-to-bully-to-redeemed-soul. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! 🙂