CAUTION

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Hello to my cautious fallen angels! It’s been a while since I last checked in. I tend to write poetry and short stories, but there’s nothing wrong with that.

It’s Mother’s Day and the sadness wrecks havoc once again. I was an unusual child. My mother was afraid of me. She called me “the sick boy.” I spoke of death, misery, and hopelessness around the time my parents were divorced, and also during the time I began to get bullied in school. Then, trauma ensued and I became catatonic from the age of 10 to 18. I dressed in gothic garments, cut myself regularly, and tried to commit suicide whenever I was bored so she could keep me entertained. I blamed her for the loss of my innocence even though she didn’t do it directly.

I used to have sex with gangsters for drugs and pickpocket strangers on the streets to survive. My mother was a whore, and there was never food in the house. I went in and out of psych wards, residentials, group homes, and state hospitals. I got expelled from four different high schools before I finally graduated.

By then, my mother no longer bothered visiting me, let alone keeping me entertained. She gave up on me. I am the “Jason Todd”* of her four children.

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*Jason Todd was the second Robin after Dick Grayson. He was murdered by The Joker. Then, he was resurrected by the use of Ra's Al Ghul's Lazarus Pit. Jason Todd became a villain called The Red Hood.

Now I am a grown man. And every Mother’s Day that comes and goes relinquishes the mental bind I constructed to keep these horrid memories at bay.

I am socially rejected by almost every social group dynamic I have come across throughout the years. I am guarded and I hardly let anyone in. I portray this dark persona but I believe myself to be very gentle and kind. I must be cautious at all times. It’s days like today that never let me forget why I always exercise CAUTION.

Well, just because I hate Mother’s Day due to association by my own life’s experience, it doesn’t mean you feel the same way. At that note, I wish you all a Happy Mother’s Day!

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Vulnerable Moments

Hello to my guarded fallen angels! Today was Christmas Day so instead of indulging in my self-pity, like I usually do, I decided to get out the house to hang out with some other young adults in DMHAS. The other clients are fake af. I don’t trust them at all. So the day started off with lunch at Home Town Buffet. I’m friendly with the girls like most gay men are but they were very odd today. It was the usual me-pretending-to-hit-on-them-to-make-the-guys-jealous bit. Dumbing-myself-down-to-associate-with-my-age-group bit. There was this one girl who was pregnant with her Nth child saying she was gonna plot to destroy one of her baby daddies. Yeah… what good is gonna come out of that, am I right? Geez… Then this other girl kept saying things in explicit detail about giving birth while I was eating. I didn’t like that. Also, the guys were observing me for some reason. I felt like the main attraction, “The Lone Homo Exhibit” and shit… I’m the only gay man in the whole program so the other guys usually avoid me or laugh at my dark, humorous jokes. The girls started talking about sex which is a topic I can definitely relate to. I indirectly mentioned that I do one-night-stands with guys I don’t know, which is true. They made these weird faces, even the guys, when I joked about it. So we can talk about nasty straight sex but the second I mention gay sex, it’s weird. And I know for a fact those bitches are hoes too. Today was very weird. Then at one point, I say it’s better off being single and alone but this one guy who knows me a tiny bit better than everyone else, replies that I actually hate being alone. I really didn’t like that for some reason. They kept watching me eat and commenting on every gesture or small movement I did. I usually complain about feeling invisible but maybe invisibility is a blessing and not a curse. I act so arrogant and bitchy around my peers and I was so in that zone that I forgot my “purse” (it’s really just one of those bags with a drawstring) when we left to go to the movie theatre. I was in the middle of watching the latest Star Wars movie when I suddenly realized my “purse” wasn’t on me. I went into the lobby to call one of the staff members to ask if they knew where my “purse” was. They assured me that they found it and put it in their state vehicle for me to get after the movie. The thing is, we all dispersed to watch different movies so our movies ended at different times. The staff I spoke to on the phone before I finished watching The Force Awakens called me back 8 times in a two minute timespan while my phone was on silent. I returned her call but she said she couldn’t wait for me any longer so she left. WTF, right? So the other staff member I’m actually a lot closer to was still in the movie theatre and there were several issues that occurred around the same time. I eventually got my “purse” back but still… Weird days like this makes me very grateful that I have an uneventful, dramaless, lonely life after all. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Logical Fallacies

If it’s wrong to be evil, one should strive to be good.

The existence of evil influences good.

Therefore, one should strive to be evil.


If marriage is the American dream, Americans want to get married.

Gay marriage was legalized in America.

Therefore, Americans want to take part in gay marriage.


If you have unprotected sex, you can have babies.

Rape can also lead to having babies.

Therefore rape is unprotected sex.


If you fall in love, you will be blind.

And blindness cannot be cured.

Therefore love cannot be cured.


If you have depression, then you are a black sheep.

Black sheep are a disgrace.

Therefore depression is a disgrace.


If God created the devil, the devil is God’s creation.

Mankind is also God’s creation.

Therefore mankind is the devil.


Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Breezing past lingering stares

Hello to my fallen angels!  How are you doing on this glorious day? So I have mentioned in one of my past endeavors that I have diplopia (double vision). I had it since I was 12 years old. And now that I’m 21, yesterday was the first day I mustered enough courage to wear my eye patch in public and not just in the sanctity of my own home. I realize people stare at me regardless because I am forever the black sheep so might as well avoid anymore headaches while I’m at it. I breeze past their lingering stares because this is who I am and I can’t allow myself to be ashamed of my physical disability. I love who I am and If I need to wear an eye patch to live my life easier, then I’m going to do it. I don’t care what people think anymore. I was a shy little boy meandering through the halls of grade school. Now I am a young man whose wise, independent, witty, loving, and resilient. I wouldn’t change a thing about me because I know if anyone else ever walked in my shoes, they probably wouldn’t be alive today to tell the tale. I am having eye surgery for the third time in my life soon so I hope in my heart I don’t have to wear this eye patch much longer. Penance is free and resilience leads to contentment. Have a wonderful day, my fallen angels! Over and out.

The Black Sheep

I almost had a mental breakdown today in the realization that the only person I wanted to love me back simply doesn’t. I have done a lot of bad things and experienced abuse beyond most peoples’ understanding but the only thing I truly regret is pleading and begging for someone to love me when I shouldn’t ever have to try that hard. It is normal to cling on the hope that your first love will be your only, that it should always be comfortable and fun with the same person even as years pile on, but it’s unusual for this desire to become any more than just a fantasy. The ambiance after the final act of intimacy shouldn’t be cold and awkward and uncomfortable. But it was. He didn’t have to say he didn’t love me anymore because the spiritual atmosphere told me all I need to know. I’m always the black sheep. I’m always the one person who never gets what he wants. Like Job from The Bible. My mother never accepted me of my sexuality but I tried so hard to win her approval. She was my mom. I shouldn’t have had to try so hard to please her. She should have just loved me regardless of my sexual orientation. My mother broke my heart. Now so did my first love. I have no family, very few friends, and single. But I will be okay. I’m in college to major in Liberal Arts. I could make one very great actor. I could be the next Johnny Depp; portray various roles of different personalities. It is because of trauma and heartbreak that I can recall memories that can make me cry on cue or get me angry or even happy if I think hard enough. I am okay. It will be the horrible aspects of my life that will inevitably fuel an acting career. Ironic, isn’t it? If you feel alone or lost or half-alive, then you must know that it is okay. Find yourself, discover what you are good at, discover what makes you truly happy, and make it your career. Don’t be afraid to leave your comfort zone. We have unlimited potential. We are infinite.