An Ex’s Cameo

Completely disregard what I said in Monday, Tuesday, busy days! Wednesday, Thursday, busy days! I had a horrible day yesterday! I ran into my ex-fiance on the bus heading to work. I was on my phone playing with my apps when he walked on the bus and stood a few feet away. I felt like someone stabbed me in the chest. He glanced at me and said to himself, “oh shit!” and pretended he didn’t notice me as he sat near the front of the bus. Mind you, I saw this in my peripheral vision so he didn’t know I noticed him. So I put my phone away back into its holster and I just stared at the back of his shaved, oblong head. The bus had been packed until half the occupants got off on the same stop. My ex got up to change seats when he finally noticed I was staring at him. He tried to be nonchalant with a nod accompanied by a tiny grin. But he clearly didn’t want to talk to me. There was an empty seat nearby him and I wasn’t going to miss this opportunity. I hadn’t seen him in over a year prior so who knows when I was ever going to run into him again. I sat beside him and said: “Hey! How are you?”
He said, “Good.”
Me: “Me too.”
Him: “So I didn’t know you go by this side of town.”
Me: “Yeah, I work around here now. At Toivo.”
Him: “That’s only a few blocks away…”
Me: “So you still live on Park Street?”
Him: “I never lived there before.”
Me: “Oh… where do you live now?”
Him: “Maple Street -”
Then awkward silence consumed the following 30 seconds.
Me: “I wanted to thank you.”
Him: “For what?”
Me: “For everything.”
He smiled. I stroked a Narcissist’s ego, apparently.
My bus stop was coming up.
He began to drone on and on about how he’s trying to renew his license and to get a car.
I tuned him out at this point. He was just gonna talk about himself. I’m also trying to get my driver’s license and a car but I wasn’t gonna say much more.
I had nothing to prove to him and I no longer expected anything from him.
When my bus stop finally came, I shook his hand and told him to have a great day before I departed.
Once I arrived at my job, I broke down but luckily my co-workers are some of my best friends and they supported me. I talked it out. They assured me I handled it very well and that I’m a strong, resilient person. We shared anecdotes and then we resumed our work. Surprisingly, I felt a lot better afterward. I was able to do everything I had to do yesterday. I even slept a full eight hours when I got home. Maybe that was the closure I needed. Maybe I’m finally over him.

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

Silly Girl!

Day 13 of Blogging101 https://dailypost.wordpress.com/photo-challenges/eye-spy/

 

Silly girl!
Oh, Silly girl!
How did it feel to leave behind your past life?

Silly girl!
Oh, Silly girl!
Is there anywhere else you would rather be?

Silly girl!
Oh, Silly girl!
What’s it like when I let you stay home alone?

Silly girl!
Oh, Silly girl!
Do you enjoy remaining indoors each day?

Silly girl!
Oh, Silly girl!
What do you think about when I am asleep?

Silly girl!
Oh, Silly girl!
Is it true your old master treated you bad?

Silly girl!
Oh, Silly girl!
Do you ever wonder where your children are?

Silly girl!
Oh, Silly girl!
Did someone ever care as much as I do?

Silly girl!
Oh, Silly girl!
How did you find the courage to love again?

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Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

Laughing At Myself

Hello to my embarrassed fallen angels! Lisa gave me a great idea to write a post about an embarrassing moment in my past in order to get over it. That moment won’t have a hold on me anymore if I talk it out and put it out in the open. Have you ever thought of a time long ago when you were so embarrassed that you think about it to this day even though most likely the other people who were there at the incident probably forgot about it by now? For day nine of Blogging101, I will show that I was inspired by my fellow blogger to write this post.

WARNING! MY ANECDOTE IS VERY INAPPROPRIATE! THE CLASSIC STORY ABOUT “A TEENAGE BOY GETTING CAUGHT DOING SOMETHING HE SHOULD NEVER GET CAUGHT DOING.” HERE WE GO:

I was 17 years old when I lived at my mother’s house. She had company over at the time. The adults were talking and laughing in the living room and kitchen and I agreed to allow the children to hang out in my bedroom. Some guy I dated around that time called my cell phone. I was talking to him on the phone in the hallway. The conversation got very hot so I managed to lock myself in the bathroom and we had phone sex. For some reason, I forgot to wash my hands let alone look in the mirror afterward. I walked out with a sigh of relief. Suddenly, everyone looked at me and started smiling and trying hard not to laugh. My older sister came up to me and wiped something off my face with her bare hand. She didn’t know what it was because she was a lesbian and a virgin, at that. It was dead quiet after that. She stepped into the kitchen to wash it off her hands. Everyone else knew what it was but my sister. I was so embarrassed that I just walked out as I felt their eyes glued to my back. I didn’t come back until I knew that everyone would be gone by then.

Well, there it is. I don’t really have to explain what happened using specific words, unless you’re a lesbian virgin too. Lol. What a relief! A different kind of relief…

Well, have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

To Each His Own

To each his own. At one point in American History, black people were considered 3/5 of a person, women were nothing without a man, and gay marriage wasn’t legal until recently. So what stops anything from becoming the norm? Nudists or polyanimous marriages or even a utopian society can become the norm someday. Whether we’re alive to witness it happen or not is completely irrelevant. I’m miserable, but who honestly gives a fuck?

Hello to my unique fallen angels! I am so miserable. For a long time, I thought my misery stemmed from my ex or my past family drama. However, I forgave all of them a while ago. I’m indifferent towards them. I don’t even care enough to hate them or hold grudges against them. I get it. I don’t really have any family left. My ex moved on from me. It’s fine, really. This misery I feel is something totally different. You see, I’m a very simple man. As long as I have a roof over my head, food, clothes, and an ambience of safety, I’m good. I don’t care about name brands or what people think about me. Everyone is dealing with their own internal struggles. I go to college, work, the gym, and church but I don’t feel like anything I do amounts to anything truly important. I don’t feel inadequate though. My IQ is in the 140s so that’s not bad at all. I’m starting to think maybe life is too easy. That the “luxurious things in life” are just extra. As long as I can pay my bills and have some money left over to try to cheer myself up, I’m okay. I’m so bored with my life. I have been putting myself out there more and maintaining friendships yet it’s only a fleeting happiness that merely comes and goes without my consent. I am so miserable that I’m becoming physically sick.

I tend to compare myself to Ernest Hemingway a lot. A very intelligent man who was so intelligent that he couldn’t find the means to feel understood and couldn’t connect with other people. He ending up dying by his own volition just like so many other brilliant minds. They say humans are social creatures. Human nature doesn’t exist. There are two sides of me constantly upset with one another. One is like “what’s the point of interacting with other people outside the realm of vested interest?” While the other half is like “people bring out the best in me so why don’t I surround myself with them as much as possible?” I tend to see it so black and white.

I actually got offered to do drag again for this Thursday coming up but I’m not as excited as when I started doing drag. Perhaps the feeling will come back when the moment comes and goes.

I don’t know. I don’t understand how I can make people care about me. I don’t get how anyone can have time for anyone else. We’re always working or busy doing something or sleeping so how does one form a meaningful connection with another person? Do I even care? I must if I’m asking. Life is dull and lonely. It may just be my personal experiences but I notice that no matter if someone has a lot of money or not, or if someone has a lot of friends or not, or even if someone is famous or not, everyone is suffering one way or another. There’s no need for jealousy. Maybe this human life is a mere preliminary of something far more greater. Heaven and Hell? Something else? I don’t know… who the hell does?

I live my life utilizing superlatives and generalizations to indulge in my self-loathing. I find myself being void of all emotion – the good and the bad. I don’t care enough to hate anyone and love is too hard to come by. I do honestly believe that I felt happiest when I was with my ex-fiance. I hope he’s okay. I hope my mom’s okay. Despite everything, I’m indifferent. It’s hard to explain the feeling I’m trying to convey right now in this post.

No two people can ever have the same human experience. Our five senses of exceptionally unique. I believe that is why everyone has a different favorite food or color or kind of music (etc.). Each person garners a completely unique human experience. So what does it matter if I try to express my feelings for anything? We only blog to vent or to promote while only interacting with other blogs to better our own blogs. Hedonism and selfishness at its finest. No one likes to admit that they primarily do things for their own vested interest.

Loneliness is a state of mind, not of matter. No matter how many other people I try to be around or parties I attend, it’s all the same. This chronic loneliness is becoming a medical condition. I don’t care. Sometimes I think to myself that if I was diagnosed with cancer today, I would be relieved. I don’t fear death. I have tried to kill myself over a dozen times in my life but obviously I’m not good at it. So I gave up on giving up. I’ll just go through the motions, the ebb and flow of life. Whatever happens happens. I don’t care.

Perhaps God doesn’t exist after all. What a horrible thing to say considering that I got baptized just a few months ago. I know things can always get worse regardless.

I don’t get why so many people judge each other on their sexual orientation or religion or race. Who gives a fuck?

Who says I have to be diagnosed with major depression? A doctor that never been through it themselves? What if I’m the messiah or if I’ll be the first person to answer life’s questions? Or what if I’m just another person living in this world until Death comes to take me somewhere better and new?

Whatever anything ever is, simply is. So thanks for lasting this long and have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Bedridden Bedlam

Incandescence of the typical,
I’ll just sleep alone
Tonight. Again.

Philanderer ignores my call,
I’ll reap what I sow
Tonight. Again.

I can’t shake a whore tree
And expect an angel to fall out.
It’s daubed in permafrost,
Got the flu when innocence lost.
Not even bedridden bedlam
Knows where it could be found.

So I’ll just sleep alone,
I’ll reap what I sow
Tonight. Again.

Salvation VI

Salvation:
I II III IV V

I really admire the people who are closer towards pursuing their own salvation than I am.
There’s no need to be envious or to posthaste.
It’s harder to chant the truth that I’m ahead of some like some are of me.
The pursuit of happiness isn’t a race.
It’s a herd of lamb led by a shepherd.
Our wool upon our backs vary in weight.
Our hooves are different in girth and shape.
However it’s our goals that allow us to persevere through our shortcomings.
We’re all born in glass houses and opposable thumbs make it effortless to throw stones.
Look at how imperfect we are!
Blurred silhouettes of lamb-men hybrids consumed by the desire to be normal.

Seductress, Mistress of Darkness

Hello to my sexy fallen angels! I told you all a while ago that I was doing drag. Well the drag show came and went on November 18th of 2015. The drag show was called ComiQueens. The first portion was an anime/video game tournament while the second and last part was for the Queens. I played my role as Seductress, Mistress of Darkness!

My college is still currently editing the full video of ComiQueens but somehow, I was able to get 45 seconds of my performance from someone’s phone. Someday I will post the whole video as soon as I get my hands on it.

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Nothing But Bluebirds From Now On

Earn merit
You’ll inherit
A benign spirit
But I can’t bear it
Always easier said than done;
Nothing but bluebirds from now on.
Ebb & flow down the waterfall
Wait a year to drop a ball
Not even a single call
Metaphorical wall;
If it’s wetter,
It’s better.
I’m the same
Myself to blame
Alone I have came
Like a single player game
Always easier said than done;
Nothing but bluebirds from now on.
Meander through the crime scene
My eyes before weren’t as keen
This is why I’m so mean
Like a troubled teen;
If it’s tethered,
It’s better.
One day
It’ll be okay
Too young to decay
Young enough to go play
Always easier said than done;
Nothing but bluebirds from now on.
Wavelengths with jagged edges
No point trimming hedges
Hanging off ledges
Of hairy wedges
If it’s sharper,
It’s better.
Earn merit
You’ll inherit
A benign spirit
But I can’t bear it
Always easier said than done…

New Year’s Resolutions 2016

Hello to my happy fallen angels! The new year is just around the corner! You all probably noticed a lot of other bloggers already posting their New Year’s resolutions. Perhaps you’ve done a post like this in the past couple days already or maybe I just gave you an idea for the topic of your next blog post. Whatever it may be, I’m happy to instill my season’s greetings upon you all.

New Year’s resolutions for 2016:

1. Join more clubs at my college
2. Read more books
3. Make new friends
4. Be less introverted
5. Continue going to the gym regularly
6. Study more often
7. Get my driver’s license
8. Buy my first car
9. Publish more books
10. Be more positive

So what are your New Year’s resolutions? I would love it if you shared them with me in a comment below. I love you all and I thank you for all the likes, comments, and follows I obtained in 2015! And it was a pleasure returning the favor too. Have a wonderful end of the year! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Getting Off

It was mid-April and the morning dew gleamed with promise.
I remember when you spun me in your arms like your offspring –
Yet we walked hand in hand playing alongside a dream we sing.
Your visions were seldom all they seemed as your presence was amiss.
You lived in a bleak future and a troublesome past void of bliss.
I preferred to live in the present where I accepted that Winter causes Spring.
Hardship brought you down while it brought me down on ashen knees to present you a ring.
Our locked eyes glistened as the sunset cast forth bright hues dissolving our subtle kiss.

At times you’d wander away from our sanctuary underneath the emerald canopy.
Foreign beauty led you astray beyond the precipice of where the water cascades.
Life insisted we aboard a rollercoaster ride but your love was only visible upon its zenith.
I ran after you once we got off until my heart heaved with shortness of breath.
I reached for your brawny hands with its bumpy veins protruding like blades.
In the land of gods and monsters I am now an angel clinging to the past and you are the master of inevitable death.

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂