Misinterpreted Perception

Good afternoon to my infatuated fallen angels! It’s been a whole year since the ultimate conclusion of my ex-fiance’s tyranny. I haven’t really been dating anyone since. I had went on a couple dates with this one guy. I look back and I realize I probably shouldn’t have gone on a second date with him. He was a bitch. He was a 25 year old drag queen living with his mommy wasting his state benefits on drag accessories. He was a little boy playing dress-up. Anyway, besides that, loneliness now consumes my repertoire. I think I’m always going to love my ex-fiance, but I just have to learn how to live without him. Lately, though, I have been talking to this new guy. He seems to have his shit together. I’m just afraid he just perceives me as this gothic pervert. I wrote my previous post about him. We barely know each other yet I was stupid enough to show him it. He told me he liked how sexual and kinky and well-written Nocturnal Submission was. But then I started to wonder how he views me as a person. I’m not gonna lie, I had A LOT of sex in my 21 years of life. I used those apps like Grindr and Growlr earnestly through the years. But I’m sick of the sex scene. I’m ready to be in love again. I miss dressing up for a man, the lingering glances, the conscious awareness of when his elbow accidentally brushes up against me as we walk down the beaten path. Getting to know someone other than myself, for once. Wondering if he likes me as much as I like him. I think people tend to perceive me differently than the real me. Yeah, I’m goth, flirtatious, and facetious but I’m also loving, compassionate, and caring. I hate being vulnerable and serious around others. My defense mechanism involves humor and apathy. Yet I’m starting to learn that sometimes in life, there are instances where it’s better to be vulnerable in someone’s company. I feel like I can survive in the wilderness if I was stranded on an island or still end up on the Dean’s List if I went to college drunk everyday, but when it comes to social situations and establishing relationships, it’s the hardest thing I can ever do. I really like this new guy though. I want him to know my true intentions. I’m not looking for just sex. If I was, I would just download those apps again. It would be so easy to have a random man fuck me at my place then kick him to the curb afterwards. But it’s harder to create a real connection with someone. I don’t want to just exchange texts with him. I wanna hang out with him and get to know him. I wanna know his mannerisms, his habits, if he reads while silently lipsyncing or if he reads strictly in his head. I want a friend. A confidant. I wanna have their back while they have mine. An ally in this psychological war called life. He would never have to worry about me cheating or lying. This loneliness is killing me slowly but surely. I know I don’t need anyone but I want someone more than anything. I’m not desperate. I’m just overwhelmed but excited to admit that I’m finally ready to love again. I guess I’ll take it one day at a time. Maybe this new guy really did like my poem. Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe he’s just really busy today. Perhaps this love interest is reciprocated after all. Wish me luck in the days to come. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

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Positive Resurrection

Smoldering alcove due to his presents presence,

His caramel skin lathered in a silky hew hue,

My empathic shield braking breaking decayed senescence,

Feminine voice laze lays with masculine hearts imbue

Love stains savored by lingering dark-brown stairs stares,

A pear pair of golden valleys caressed sensually,

Constructing a conversation full of suite sweet cares,

Existentialism will loos lose its portentous hold on me eventually

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Boy Toy

The rapist led me to my therapist,
He said I’m beyond repair,
For me to take these pills,
Sedate the roots of my despair,

Men will be the death of me,
He said I’m incomplete,
For me to sabotage myself,
Abandon flout sanity,

Prior trauma soaked ’til soggy,
He said I’m better off,
For me to disown hope,
And leave my life to chance aloft,

Even benign recollection,
He said that love dies,
For me to toss my halo,
Downgrade to a carnival prize,

Negligence is winning the lottery,
He said it beats abuse,
For me to undeceive,
Mediocre sex ties my noose,

Patriarchy exists no more,
He likes to walk away,
For me to learn my lesson,
Mourning to morning night to day,

Married guys their spouse a nuisance,
He wants a change of pace,
For me his younger model,
Now he wants to redeem his space,

I’m just someone men take frustration on,
He said it’s our little secret,
For me to keep it shut,
And leave it open when he needs it

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂