broken hearted

Loneliness and guilty pleasures

Posted on by The One-Eyed Angel

Brimstone and shadow shrouds my soul,
Makes me unapproachable,
Suffocating the light within,
With selfish acts of sin,
I know that it’s wrong to comply,
With the darkness deep inside,
The faithless and spiritually blind,
Cannot see nor fathom my kind,
Fallen angels guarding what consumes us,
Memories resonate of an incubus,
Fear and intrigue morphed into love,
Red flags ignored warnings from above,
Events occur way beyond my maturity level,
Inevitable death fabricated damsel,
Screaming out distorted love songs,
Sirens casting out lectures amongst,
The loneliness can replace the devil beneath the sheets,
Guilty pleasures in the form of love stains meets,
Underneath a canopy of infatuation,
Submerged further into oblivious condemnation,
Rock bottom is my summer resort,
Acrobatics convey with their bodies contort,
Lethargy and hopelessness is a comfortable satire,
To wear to the ball before clock strikes midnight’s dire,
Unveiling of the truth behind the mask,
Questions I was too afraid to ask,
Answers that can kill me instantly,
Better to live loved faintly,
Lies and bittersweet fellatios,
And meaningless exchanges of promises forms ratios,
Truth slays my heart forever more,
Need time to self-reflect escape the masquerade ball,
Seek salvation as I delve into the mystery,
My closed mind opened so I brace myself to feel life’s agony,
Holy retribution and holy water divine,
Baptism isn’t a cure-all nor is it a drawn line,
The bible shouldn’t be a bibliographical anomaly for zealots,
Eucharist is the coming of saints acknowledging their imperfections, Prayer is to submit and admit I’m nothing but a dot,
In life’s perpetual and everlasting discretion,
I’ll admit that i know nothing compared to what I could know,
If I knew life’s secrets I would lose my mind,
To live contempt and in the moment I’ll show,
God that I am worthy of being risen and not left behind

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To let him down gently

Posted on by The One-Eyed Angel

Hello to my fallen angels! As a child, I was weak, naive, innocent, vulnerable, and defenseless. I had always been on the receiving end of heartbreak, trauma, abuse, neglect, and disownment. Now that I am grown, I realize just how it feels to inflict pain on others. The tormented becomes the tormentor. I find myself saying things to people that makes them instantly suicidal. A summary of my psychoanalysis of them. Just like the things my ex used to say to me. My ex was psychic and he said that if I knew my future, I would lose my mind and end up in an asylum for the rest of my life. He also said that after two years of knowing each other, he only let me through the side door. He never intended on giving all of himself to me ever. I felt suicidal in a heartbeat. Now there’s this new guy I am talking to that I am no longer interested in. Now I find myself having to end something that will hurt someone the same way my ex hurt me. I already constructed a psychoanalysis of the new guy and if I really wanted to, I could easily destroy him with my words as well. But I would never inflict the amount of pain my ex inflicted on me once upon a time. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. I haven’t really been 100% honest with the new guy. In a nutshell, he lives with his mother, four years older than me, no savings, no car, no friends, no sense of independence, a virgin, and he has the mentality of a female. Which turns me off quite so. Thats a summary. I could put more on this post but nothing good will come out of that. Subconsciously, my ex is my idol, my dark side that I find very sexy yet terrifying at the same time. Why Harley Quinn stays with Joker no matter how much he abuses her? Or why do women stay with abusive men when everyone knows there are ways to get out? It’s because there’s this sick, twisted side of people like me that enjoy being miserable, temperamental, argumentative, and submissive. So now three days straight, the new guy has been texting me hysterical cus I’m no longer replying to my texts. The same reason waiting for my ex’s call was a kind of maddening torture. I don’t know how to let him down gently the same way my ex didn’t even bother doing. I am in a better place in my life than I have ever been. I live alone with a built up savings account for I am very ambitious. I pay my own bills and I been through so much hardship that I am resilient, apathetic, and guarded. Nothing really phases me anymore. Some things that help me cope with a broken heart (as an empath) are practicing daily on grounding, centering, and shielding. The reason I care about letting this new guy down gently is because I want to be a better person my ex was. To be honest, if I never got my heart butchered by my ex’s pink knife, I wouldn’t give a damn about being nice. But my former flame changed the way I see the world. I could become him or forever oppose him. I choose the latter. For if my ex is truly evil, and I am a good soul, then by definition, our forces will forever clash. Not literally, metaphorically. So my good act will be to let the new guy down gently. But how I do that when I’m so used to enjoying hurting people? I’m asking you, my fallen angels, is there a good way to break things off with someone? If so, how? A victim-to-bully-to-redeemed-soul. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

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My rage fuels me

Posted on by The One-Eyed Angel

Welcome, my fallen angels, to yet another update from The Arcangel himself. (I spell it without the “h” because that would make me look officially evil.) Today I’m pissed. After months and months of separation and after the emotional roller-coaster ride he put me through, my ex wants to get back together again. He says that he wants to start things from scratch. That he wants to revive the same feelings of when we first started dating. Relationships don’t work that way! You can’t just start over and make it new again. Just like you can’t perfectly piece together a broken mirror as if destruction was never left behind in its wake. My ex is insane if he thinks that after he negated me from my responsibilities, isolated me from the ones I truly love, and led me astray from God Himself – that I would just go right back to that devil’s chaos. He’s paranoid, miserable, and condescending. Every word he says reminds me of all his red-flag flaws of his. I’m done with him for good. I cannot allow any leftover romantic feelings to make me crawl back to him ever again! This is a rare situation in my life where I must let my rage fuel me and prevent me from ever thinking that our murdered love can ever rise from the dead. Everything has been said and done. This is exhausting. I’m just trying to live my life the best I can but my ex is my downfall. He will be the death of me if I continue to pursue him the way I had in the past. He bums me out whenever he’s near me. He’s like a poison that forms callouses in my veins that dilute my bloodstream to terminal toxins. I forbid myself from sleeping with the devil ever again. He wants to meet me in person today for a date. I agreed but little does he know that I am going to take control of my life once more. He is going to tremble in the face of my rude awakening. Oh wow! This feels so good to vent! Wish me luck on concluding this nightmare once and for all! Have a wonderful day, my fallen angels! Over and out.

The Black Sheep

Posted on by The One-Eyed Angel

I almost had a mental breakdown today in the realization that the only person I wanted to love me back simply doesn’t. I have done a lot of bad things and experienced abuse beyond most peoples’ understanding but the only thing I truly regret is pleading and begging for someone to love me when I shouldn’t ever have to try that hard. It is normal to cling on the hope that your first love will be your only, that it should always be comfortable and fun with the same person even as years pile on, but it’s unusual for this desire to become any more than just a fantasy. The ambiance after the final act of intimacy shouldn’t be cold and awkward and uncomfortable. But it was. He didn’t have to say he didn’t love me anymore because the spiritual atmosphere told me all I need to know. I’m always the black sheep. I’m always the one person who never gets what he wants. Like Job from The Bible. My mother never accepted me of my sexuality but I tried so hard to win her approval. She was my mom. I shouldn’t have had to try so hard to please her. She should have just loved me regardless of my sexual orientation. My mother broke my heart. Now so did my first love. I have no family, very few friends, and single. But I will be okay. I’m in college to major in Liberal Arts. I could make one very great actor. I could be the next Johnny Depp; portray various roles of different personalities. It is because of trauma and heartbreak that I can recall memories that can make me cry on cue or get me angry or even happy if I think hard enough. I am okay. It will be the horrible aspects of my life that will inevitably fuel an acting career. Ironic, isn’t it? If you feel alone or lost or half-alive, then you must know that it is okay. Find yourself, discover what you are good at, discover what makes you truly happy, and make it your career. Don’t be afraid to leave your comfort zone. We have unlimited potential. We are infinite.