Second Best

Hello to my courageous fallen angels! Lately I’ve been talking to a new romantic interest for the first time in two years (apart from my married friend with benefits and that guy from PRIDE club who led me on the whole time just to tell me he already had a boyfriend), but this time, it finally seems to be mutual.

If you have been following me for a while, you’ll know that I was once engaged to my ex-fiance. I proposed to a man twice my age because I really loved him, but our relationship was shaky from the start. He was living with an ex of his when we first met. He was condescending and controlling. He was so handsome and charming.  Only God knows what The Narcissist did behind my back. It terrified me how much I cared for him. I gave up my beliefs, my morals, and my dreams when I fell in love with him. I always told myself that if things didn’t work out with him, I would forever be condemned to settle for second best. Perhaps I jinxed myself when I placed him on a metaphorical pedestal. After all this time, thoughts of him still plague my mind at night, and tearing at my insides like a savage hunger. I look back and I realize that there were so many red flags that I refused to see. I had to let him go. He had total power over me, but enough was enough. The hardest thing I ever did was walk away from a man that I’m still, to this day, madly in love with.

Now with this new guy, I feel awful for even thinking that he’ll never compare to my ex-fiance. That I’ll never love him or anyone else, for that matter, ever again. But I need to give him a chance. He doesn’t have to compare to my ex, but he can be a different, more healthy romance.

I have been on my own for so long though. I have forgotten what love and desire even feels like in this chronic loneliness. I feel so dead inside. Like I’m just half-alive, going through the subtle waves of life until my inevitable and anticipated demise.

I was disowned by my family on my 18th birthday. But even before that, I had a feeling my mother stopped caring about me once I came out at 14 because she was a devout muslim and homosexuality was the devil to her. She probably planned my abandonment for the following four years. I was homeless, then I lived in a halfway house, and now I have my own apartment. For the first time, I’m paying bills, attending college as a full-time student, and looking for a new job. So technically, I don’t really need anyone. It’s just that there are so many lonely nights and all the one night stands I lost count of from those gay hookups apps are never enough. Artificial love isn’t as good as the real thing.

At this point, being in a relationship will result in me being either too clingy or too guarded. Honestly, I’d rather be too guarded if those were my only two options. I would like to at least keep my pride intact if nothing else.

It takes courage to open yourself up to someone after a heartbreak that you can very well never fully get over. But I can’t live like this anymore. If I find out he’s not as good a person as I’d like him to be, then I don’t have to put up with any shit from him or anyone else. I see more clearly now. Blindness and love are no longer synonymous terms. I love myself more than anyone else ever will. I am the only constant variable in my life. Everyone else tends to fade away after a while. I can’t get attached again… I just can’t….

What is a healthy relationship? I don’t know but maybe I’ll find out someday. If it’s not him, it’s someone else, right? See? I’m such a pessimist. I’m already planning on what to do if things go wrong with this new guy.

Well, wish me luck, my fallen angels! Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

The Ritual

Good morning to my addicted fallen angels! Feel free to partake a generous portion of pure selfish indulgence today! Whether it’s liquor or cigarettes or food or sex or even love. But despite all the loved ones in our lives that we hold dear, aren’t we all just selfish and alone? Maybe I’m just paranoid or maybe I’m a bit touched in the head but from my life experience as of now, I realized that you can never know, trust, or rely on someone 100%. Perhaps some of us cannot accept these harsh truths. And maybe this theory doesn’t only have to do with people. Co-dependency and always feeling like it’s not enough is where addiction is born and forged into our minds. Some of us who have acknowledged our unique addiction tend to gravitate towards anonymous meetings if they choose to seek help. Unfortunately, sometimes an addiction exists yet is never treated or even admitted by the addictor. So they continue to let their addiction consume them as it gets bigger and bigger and harder to control. Some even think it’s the norm. The ritual revolving around the seven deadly sins peaks the most interest. Let’s be honest: Overeat. Seek vengeance. Hookup with a sexy stranger. Don’t go to church. Pity those who are less fortunate. Always get more than you need. Backstab a friend for they have what you don’t. We all do it but that doesn’t mean it’s good for you. If you have an addiction to anything, seek help immediately because it will only get worse if left untreated. I have been discussing addiction in a few of my previous posts because, personally, I have come to realize that I have a certain type of addiction too. If you read any of my archives, you’ll probably figure it out yourself. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Tip of the Iceberg

Good morning to my mysterious fallen angels! How was your labor day weekend? So have you noticed my poetic prowess has been greatly improved since my blog was first established? I read my own “past endeavors” (archives) and even my own writing gives me goosebumps. I noticed one of my older poems, Triskelion, still gets checked out at least once everyday by some of my unknown fallen angels since it was originally posted back in the beginning of this Summer. My personal favorite poems are Kamikaze Burlesque and Loneliness and guilty pleasures. I felt confident enough to explore my sexuality with you all in my poems after experimenting with these two specific posts to see how you would react. A lot of likes but a very few comments on either of them. To be expected. Ha! Some of my newer additions to my collection; The Scarlet Harlot and Unquenched Desire; display my more vulnerable takes on love. You’re probably wondering why this post reminds you of those flashback shows in certain tv series where all they do is show clips of past episodes, huh? Well, I wanted to enforce my explanation of how I view myself. A paranoid yet lonely sociopath who just wants to be left alone. Well that’s not entirely true, to be honest. I just want to be loved. Now is that so bad? Clique… But I feel like no matter how many poems, random reviews, or check-ins I post, it will always be the tip of the iceberg! I have no doubt many other bloggers feel the same way. Like I can never fully pour my heart and soul into the depths of my blog 100%. Maybe I’m just naturally mysterious. Perhaps if I spoke in clear English rather than through prose, I can make you see who I really am. Yeah, cus I’m wrong like that… Perhaps I should get out my house more… Society is more inclined to the likes of Facebook posts rather than blog posts. It seems like people would rather video record me trip or cuss someone out than for me to confuse them with my philosophical mind. Not many people want to read intellectual works of literature anymore. A lot of people I come across in public don’t wanna know how I’m doing or become my friend. I notice the only times humans interact with me are when they need something. Sex. Labor. Laughter. Money. [As stated in leave me alone I’m lonely] One or a combination of those four things. No one ever wants to know how I’m doing even if I ask them first. You can never know someone 100%. The belief that you can is faulty. We are all subject to vested interest. We are all alone in our own minds.

So back to the topic at hand, I take pride that my writing is getting better even though my social life isn’t. Luckily, I can say in all honesty that I love you all, my fallen angels! I had made friends with some of you and I have never been more real than I have been with you. Thank you so much for taking interest in my blog! I’m never gonna stop. I’m gonna keep it coming. So stay tuned for more posts in the future! Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂