CAUTION

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Hello to my cautious fallen angels! It’s been a while since I last checked in. I tend to write poetry and short stories, but there’s nothing wrong with that.

It’s Mother’s Day and the sadness wrecks havoc once again. I was an unusual child. My mother was afraid of me. She called me “the sick boy.” I spoke of death, misery, and hopelessness around the time my parents were divorced, and also during the time I began to get bullied in school. Then, trauma ensued and I became catatonic from the age of 10 to 18. I dressed in gothic garments, cut myself regularly, and tried to commit suicide whenever I was bored so she could keep me entertained. I blamed her for the loss of my innocence even though she didn’t do it directly.

I used to have sex with gangsters for drugs and pickpocket strangers on the streets to survive. My mother was a whore, and there was never food in the house. I went in and out of psych wards, residentials, group homes, and state hospitals. I got expelled from four different high schools before I finally graduated.

By then, my mother no longer bothered visiting me, let alone keeping me entertained. She gave up on me. I am the “Jason Todd”* of her four children.

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*Jason Todd was the second Robin after Dick Grayson. He was murdered by The Joker. Then, he was resurrected by the use of Ra's Al Ghul's Lazarus Pit. Jason Todd became a villain called The Red Hood.

Now I am a grown man. And every Mother’s Day that comes and goes relinquishes the mental bind I constructed to keep these horrid memories at bay.

I am socially rejected by almost every social group dynamic I have come across throughout the years. I am guarded and I hardly let anyone in. I portray this dark persona but I believe myself to be very gentle and kind. I must be cautious at all times. It’s days like today that never let me forget why I always exercise CAUTION.

Well, just because I hate Mother’s Day due to association by my own life’s experience, it doesn’t mean you feel the same way. At that note, I wish you all a Happy Mother’s Day!

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Truth Serum

When I was 6,

I wished I was a newborn,

When all I worried about was eating, sleeping,

And excreting waste,

 

When I was 10,

I wished I was 6,

When all I was afraid of was going to grade school for the first time

And missing my mom until I returned home,

 

When I was 14,

I wished I was 10,

When all I thought about were the terrifying times I spent alone with my stepdad

And missing my mom until she returned home,

 

When I was 18,

I wished I was 14,

When all I reminisced about was how I secretly enjoyed being abused like a masochist

And missing the only sexual escapade I had throughout my school years,

 

When I was 21,

I wished I was 18,

When I was forced to be exiled because my mom thought my dad’s replacement made me gay

And hoping there was more to life than this,

 

When I am 30,

I will wish I was 21,

When all I can recall will be how my ex-fiance severely broke my heart

And how he wonderfully psychologically tormented me,

 

When I am 39,

I will wish I was 30,

When I’ll realize that I am the same age as when my first love left in peace

And left me in pieces,

 

When I am 50,

I will wish I was 39,

When I can remember fondly how agile and resilient I once was

And wondering how I didn’t kill myself a lot sooner

 

When I am 69,

I will not look back anymore,

For dementia will consume my mind’s occupancy leaving behind the fact that my age will be one of my favorite sexual positions

And in total relief that I will die any day now

 

 

 

 

*Make sure to take advantage of the eBook sale going on now! From now* until December 26th at 8:00PM, you can buy The Pandemonium Chronicles for only $0.99! (usually $2.99)

http://www.amazon.com/Pandemonium-Chronicles-Merge-between-Heaven-ebook/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=sr_1_1_twi_kin_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1450883498&sr=8-1&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

This sale is to celebrate the release of my new book, Trials and Tribulations!

http://www.amazon.com/Trials-Tribulations-Sufian-ebook/dp/B018ZR0IVA/ref=sr_1_43?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1450883658&sr=1-43&keywords=Trials+and+Tribulations

The Lazarus Pit

Rusted metal head my splintered morning wood garner,
I unearth my backyard without a peep from the childhood pets now owned by a farmer.
Nevertheless a howling wind opposes my venture,
For I discovered the Lazarus Pit when I set aside my childish ways.
This is what it’s like to set aside my childish ways.
Toys that once distracted me I now bury deeper into life.

An angel fell dead at my feet in the middle of the night.
The blinds casted forth black and white stripes on its ethereal form ‘fore moonlight.
I waited ’til the Sun reclaimed his throne and ’til a cat got my tongue, As if nothing in this world was any better in the midst of it all.
Ceasing such beauty must be better in the midst of it all.
Liquid gold I let exalt me I now bury deeper into life.

His name served no purpose now that his soul contract has expired.
I recall he hugged my knees to beg for me to play with him but I was so tired.
This shovel must be held with gardening gloves modeled after the desperate damsel ‘fore me;
Unkindly strown on calloused hands to get the job done right.
Bragging ’bout a dismembered servant to get the job done right.
Untold mystery I tend to share I now bury deeper into life.

Sacrifice is all it took to rid myself of such ridicule.
Bugs from animal carcasses attached themselves onto the toys and their cadaver who was mistaken for a fool,
‘Tis I, longing a mate to aid me in digging a grave that’ll someday be robbed.
Black sludge isn’t praised for it’s easier to digest.
Desire relapse every night thus far for it’s easier to digest.
Dreams I yearn to dream I now bury deeper into life.

Just as I predicted with dark magic I try to prove is real,
My toys and my precedence rose from Gaia in a way that made me glad of the other end of the deal.
It went too far, however, or perhaps not far enough.
Soulless solace didn’t repel the bugs that were found scavenging my past,
As if I have control of who was found scavenging my past.
There is no fear that let me die as I now bury deeper into life.

I asked my mother where do babies come from.
She told me a stork drops them off but she killed it because it was so dumb.
I never agreed with her ’til now.
Bringing children into this world should be a crime.
Madness and despair that makes up this world should be a crime.
Toys and angels are forfeited by a regretful child as I now bury deeper into life.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

One Bad Day

I sat confined within the metal bars compressing me to a condensed version of an ambivalent world. Psychologist-infested daily routines didn’t always comprise my life’s entirety. It only took one bad day to rid me of my innocence forever.
Shadows spilled underneath my cot, behind the rusted toilet several paces away, and they ran away from the fluorescent lights twitching out in the corridor.
Red eyes glowed at night to accompany the darkness I fed earnestly throughout the day. It was an effective way to lose weight.
Years passed and so has three in-mates that took the pleasure of being my roommate. It came to the point where my past branched off into infinite alternate realities. That happens when you reach a certain age. Memories evolve into better or worse things depending on your mood.
I haven’t been outside since I moved in. The normies in their hospital scrubs always shut out the outside because I don’t deserve it anymore. All the other Malvolos lost their rights to freedom too, they kid around with me.
At a certain time of day, the leader of the normies announce from the walls that the lights must go out. We retreat back into our catacombs while being driven out of the community room like cattle.
I don’t bother talking to the other outsiders because I sleep alone regardless. Nothing new happened since The Assault. So I laid in the dark letting the last remnants of my eluded past reframe my dreams once more.
The Sun always radiates as bright as I remember. Maybe it was a tad bit brighter back then. The birds chirp as they perch themselves onto the trees my mother constantly refused to cut down. Her baby blue car is warming up in the driveway. My older brother (always was taller than me) sits in the front seat while my mother says her goodbyes to my stepdad. She is plotting against me with him. Then she glances at me, massaging her back and leaning on her scepter, and asks me if I’m positively sure if I want to stay at home instead of going with them to the local supermarket. I assure her that grocery shopping with her was as boring as school.
Then suddenly it’s nighttime and I skip forward past the awkward stage of puberty into the fathoms of adulthood. I’m closing up shop. Putting away spare boxes into the complacent shelves. I walk up to the entryway door to transform the “come on in, we’re open” sign to the “sorry, we’re closed” sign. But there’s this really sexy twink knocking softly on the glass. I yell out that we’re closed but he insisted on coming in to talk to me. He wants me to do it to him, I’m positive.
So the car drives itself away like fate so anxiously wanting to lay down its foundation. I give a quick smile to my stepdad just to be polite before going into my room to play some videogames. But that smile I flash at him is a green light for him to pursue me.
I lead him to my office in the basement where I let the cobwebs materialize out of thin air. The young man looks so happy with his manila folder (most likely holding his resume) gently against his chest. He says he heard a lot about me from the press and assures me that he wants nothing more than to work for me.
I just want to go home. But he sits down across from me. He unzips his white jacket, beckoning me to admire his physique. Then he carefully hangs his hoodie on my coat rack. His shirt is a v-neck. The young man has tempting-looking chest hair. It is more than obvious that he yearns for my touch.
He knocks on my door and told me to help him clean up the house to surprise my mother when she gets home. I reply if he pays me money, I’ll do whatever he wants me to do. My stepdad giggles playfully as he barges into my room and unplugs my game console. That is the last straw. He answers my unexisting plea to take away my virginity. It sucks cus the least he can do is pay me afterwards but sometimes he doesn’t.
I get up soon after the young man sat down to lock my office door for privacy from my employees who went to their respective homes an hour before. I tell him that I’m not currently hiring at this point in time but I can reconsider if he admits he’ll do anything if I pay him to do it. I stole his smile. A scared expression is left behind on his face while I tear his smile off his porcelain face.
Masturbation had lost its fun since I no longer had an audience. The buzzing of the night light kept me up all night long. I didn’t sleep a wink. I crack myself up sometimes as my laughter fills the empty void. Just when I think I lost my mind entirely, I lose it a little bit more. I can no longer plant this seed anywhere other than my bedsheets. My bed wanted me to cultivate this undead garden, hardening along with the red eyes across the room reminding me that I had an audience after all. A sexy doctor peeked into my room, beckoning me to take his smile away from him too.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Passing Time

Hello to my adventurous fallen angels! I have been suffering with writer’s block today. So I scavenged the world of WordPress until I came across a post about one of my favorite games of all time, Chrono Trigger. I hope you enjoy this re-blogged post like I did. Have a wonderful day! Over and out!

Problem Machine

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In 1995 when Chrono Trigger came out, I would have just turned 12. I stayed up through the Summer nights of Sacramento, playing until 5 in the morning on the cracked naugahyde couch in my dad’s living room. 20 years ago I became unstuck in time, and I’ve never really fit into place again since. I left some piece of myself in that game; it left some piece of itself in me. Same thing.

A week ago I watched someone play through Chrono Trigger as part of the Summer Games Done Quick charity speedrunning marathon, and it brought that little piece of myself back to me, and I still don’t quite know what to make of it. It’s still the most beautiful game I’ve played in so many ways, but so much time has passed since those Summer nights. I don’t really replay the game because I get bogged down…

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Brotherhood Antiquity

When we were children,
The streets were dipped in a palette of bright colours,
Plastered with playground games,
Other neighborhood kids contributed to the Mona Lisa,
But until our friends faded away into the folds of our minds,
Our walls were down,
Sweetest submission to the latest fad,
Where the Jedi swung their lightsabers,
Where a young boy traveled the galaxy with Donald and Goofy,
It was here where the brotherhood was established,

Waking up to presents on the dining room table,
Three days of celebration for something we didn’t believe in,
When Nickelodeon and Disney actually had good shows,
A troupe of babies led by a one-year-old hero with his toy screwdriver,
A trio of high school kids where one of them was psychic,
Bunk beds in constant cleaning from nervous bladders,
It was here where the brotherhood was formed,

Saving up for bigger prizes and better gaming consoles,
When we should have saved ourselves,
An anomaly that can’t be revoked yet we are still close,
I do your homework in exchange for my own personal gain,
But it’s all in good fun indeed it is,
Four mile walks to the land of summer reading programs,
Escape from the coven of witches brewing sin in their cauldron,
Through it all an emperor and a father originated from antiquity,
It was here where the brotherhood was born and raised til present day

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

From victim to savior

Good afternoon to my evolving fallen angels! How have you all been? So today, I’m going to elaborate further on my theory that life is a play. Early on in my life, I would check myself into psych wards just to get away from the extensive amounts of abuse that took place in my childhood home and suicide hotlines were on speed dial when I was bored and racing thoughts morphed into suicidal ones. Now I am proud to say that I was hired yesterday to be the one picking up distress calls for a suicide warmline. It’s a step below the seriousness of a hotline. Warmlines are for people who feel lonely or suicidal but it isn’t necessarily a crisis. It’s good for someone who just needs to talk and vent to a confidant when they can’t get in touch with their clinician. I start work Monday! Wow! I’ve come a long way! I went from being a chronic victim to becoming a savior. I never pictured myself being the one trying to talk someone out of suicide. Life composes of a troupe of actors. Every human born into this world becomes an actor or actress pursuing their own journey. On a human standpoint, I don’t even get along with the majority of people in my prayers but at a spiritual level, I must care about everyone. I have to. We’re all playing our roles the way God wants us too. I can’t make Batman and Joker get along but I can acknowledge and appreciate the storyline set in place of their rivalry all these years. I played the role of martyr for far too long but I was not meant to play that role forever. Thank you, Jesus! God alters my role whenever He thinks I’m ready. I believe there are two eras in my life. Pre-ex and Post-ex. Before Heartbreak and Innocence Lost. BH and IL. I think if I ever bumped into my ex on the street, I would shake his hand and thank him because I have endured and gained so much knowledge, wisdom, and insight. No pain, no gain. I accept that he’s gone. He played his role of the heartbreaker and his act is finished. Unlike a lot of people in my life, I have the ability to forgive and turn the page of a story that has long since found a home. This topic reminds me of a passage in the Bible from the Corinthians.

“Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NIV)

Someday when I have extra money to spend, I’m getting this quote as a tattoo sleeve for my right arm. All my weaknesses makes me strong. All my imperfections makes me a relatable character. I’m not ashamed of my past for everything I have been through led me to this moment. Psychology major. Suicide warmline operator. Published author. Empath. Body-builder. I am capable of anything I set my mind to. No one can tell me I’m hopeless anymore. Not my mother or my ex or my former therapists. I am the Archangel and I must lead my fallen angels into victory. Have a wonderful day and good luck on your personal endeavors! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Tell Me What It’s Like

You were a mother,
Overwhelmed by the power,
Of her son,
And his father,
Spent your years,
Protecting him,
From all your fears,
Even when your light grew dim,
Loving him so…
Raising him so…
You thought that he would be grateful,
Now he’s grown up,
You kicked him out the door,
And out of your life,
Nine months in your womb,
18 years under your roof,
Surpassed all the gloom,
Violence and abuse spelled out “doom,”
Oh tell me what it’s like,
To abandon him so quickly,
I know parenthood ain’t easy,
When you’re playing both roles,

Ever since his father,
Walked out on you all,
You raised him,
To hate him,
You been with other guys since then,
These other guys you easily let in,
A home full of minors,
Abused like hitchhikers,
Don’t you care at all?
I reached out to you,
But I have matured and forgave,
You choose to remain the same,
Oh tell me what it’s like,
To not know where your last born is,
Does he ever cross your mind?
A mistake you wish you aborted,

I’m doing fine,
I’m doing just fine,
If you haven’t guessed by now,
I am your son,
You thought I was mentally challenged,
But the only challenge I faced was you,
You never bothered to get to know me,
But I don’t have to worry,
Cus worry is the misuse of imagination,
I will not sign that proclamation,

Growing old is mandatory,
Growing up is optional,
I trek through the harder left,
You breeze through the easy right,
Never to coincide,
Never to intersect,
Parallel lines,
All lead to the unknown,
I will walk this path to the orient,
You will stay astray reliant,
On self-mutilation,
Lonely scars you always reopen,

I can never let you in,
It’s neither here nor there,
A condescending grin,
For I no longer care

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! 🙂

If you can’t beat ’em, keep trying

Good evening to my accomplished fallen angels! How are you doing? So have you ever acknowledged your good and evil sides? Do we start from birth as pure as can be? Or is it a neutral blank slate kind of ordeal? I don’t expect anyone I answer two out of those three questions. Rhetorical situations… The best times in life are rhetorical. Let’s assume life starts pure-hearted. Then add in genetics and upbringing. Are you still pure? I wasn’t. Anyway schooling gets mixed in. Being around peers for the first time in your life. That can go either way. Then adolescence, from 13-18 years old= introduction to hell. Friendships created and dissolved in a short time span. First love occurs, that early… if you’re lucky. It took until after graduation for me to start being attractive. Independence takes place soon after. Trials and tribulations gnaw at you like starving vampires and you’re their first human in years. Bills, work, school, family, friends, ramen noodles for months, red bull and coffee just to stay working, partying and boys (or girls, whatever…), survival of the fittest, and suddenly all the evil and condescending rage eats up at you. Will you let the darkness take over? Will you tarnish your purity for personal gain? People constantly using you for money or sex or labor or a laugh that will make their day yet leave you exhausted and alone at night. They say if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Not me. Hustlers on the streets begging for a dollar, rich snobs laughing in your face, and the inevitable war within yourself. Should you defend your benevolence or allow shadows to intervene? A life undiscovered, not resolved. As humans, we have the luxury to pick our path to righteousness or repeated sin. Indulge in your urges, regardless if it hurts the ones around you. Or go out of your way to save a complex race. The choice is yours. But just to let you know, evil is weakness for they are not strong enough to keep Satan at bay. It takes more strength to save a life than to end one, especially your own. Fantasy is the best place to contain the darkness. Make it your reality and you better hope there’s no afterlife for you would get the short end of the stick. I, myself, am lost in fantasy, inside the magical worlds of infinite storytelling. It’s never too late for me to come back but keeping darkness behind is quite an endeavor. Look at me, ranting on about nothing and everything, like a mad scientist or a philosopher who got fired for daydreaming. I say, if you can’t beat ’em, keep trying because it’s never too late to formulate the perfect balance within yourself. Hope beats fear every time. Evil power always requires sacrifice. Be good for me, will ya? Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! 🙂