Yet Another Way to Describe Misery

Let’s live a lie because the truth is too hard to arouse.

I must replenish my will to live weakly weekly in His house.

Deferring my dreams like a raisin in the sun –

The mask is pretty enough to provide me false fun.

Timidness is an act in a performance that I’ve mastered in this cage.

Friendship is merely a hologram in this technological age…

Neglect my existence over and over again until I’m just a nuisance.

I will invade your emotions until they’re anything but elusive.

Only someone whose odd can be number one.

Yet another way to describe misery but I’m almost done.

All my poems seem to be written in a similar way

For happiness is indigenous same shit different day.

An Angel’s Awakening (A-CUBED)

image

Good morning to my blessed fallen angels! I finally got baptized today! It’s been long-awaited. (Aww! Look at me in my church clothes as opposed to my gothic garb.) I’m officially an Episcopalian now! I love my church family! I love God! People can disappoint me, betray me, neglect me, abuse me, avoid me, judge me, use me, and hurt me but I’m so happy to give myself up to The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit. I never have to worry about God doing any of those things to me that people have done time and time again. It’s all trials and tribulations. It’s expected to go through hardship in life in one way or another. I am definitely not an exception to that biblical rule. I have no regrets, no held grudges, and no hatred towards anyone or anything. Everything I have been through (“The Sufie Saga”) led me to this moment. My mother told me I made her depressed and that she should’ve aborted me, but I forgive her. The only man I have ever loved (so far…) broke my heart in ways I never thought was humanly possible, but I forgive him too. I’m so emotionally resilient. I have been abused physically, mentally, sexually, emotionally, and even spiritually (by a psychic Narcissist). However, I still manage to get out of bed in the morning, smile, laugh (sometimes manically), and uphold my daily responsibilities. Three weeks from now, I’m starting acolyte training to someday become a priest. I’m also in college to be a therapist for people with mental health problems. And I garner spiritual abilities of my own. Just yesterday, I was contemplating killing myself, but it’s amazing how God can save me just when I feel like giving up. I am going to help and heal a lot of people! I’m gonna make this world a better place than when I found it! On the other hand, I will still don the name, The One-Eyed Angel because this darkness infested with depression and rage will always be a part of me. It has helped me survive through the worst of times and helped me appreciate with ultimate gratitude the best of times. All emotions are temporary, both good and bad. I know I’m not gonna feel this happiness consistently for the rest of my life, but I accept that simply because I must accept that. Although I don’t have any close friends or family members who went to my baptism today, I have acknowledged already that my life is a lonely one so no surprises that no one outside my church family came today. I’m okay though. There must be some valid reason God didn’t place too many people in my life. Some can handle society while some can’t. To each his own. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

image

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Kick-in-the-crotch-spit-in-your-face fantastic!

Alas! I am Emperor Empath!

Begone, all negativity!

Cry no more for I’m rising from the ashes!

Dread and insanity fuels my reign!

Evil-doers and church-goers alike, rejoice!

Finally, my time has come for self-discovery!

Grotesque misuse of imagination is worry!

Hosanna in the highest! All seven chakras are centered!

Iceberg’s tip is all you’ll ever fathom!

Juxtaposition of boy meets world and our daily bread!

Kill the violence for murder and war has yet to die!

Laughing out loud to a world divided by categories!

Malicious thoughts of a dirty mind are cleansed by grounding!

Naughty humans repent whenever they want to!

Opalescence of a congressional anomaly!

Penance is free it’s virtue important!

Queens of drag express their femininity!

Repress your memories until they suffocate under the pressure!

Sufian, the infamous possession of a drunk personality asunder!

Train your mind and control your emotions!

Under the influence of a natural high and an inevitable low!

Veins depleted of evil’s black sludge and replaced with liquid gold!

Win this game of life! Never admit defeat!

Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters is where I graduated from!

You are in perfect health! You are still a good person, I tell myself!

Zealots will forever be un-shielded! Oblivious to the white light of God’s love and divine protection forevermore!

(Un)conditional love and selfless good deeds

Satisfaction is guaranteed,
A selfish or selfless good deed,
Is the same regardless of integrity, Divination isn’t concrete,
Relationships with other people isn’t a correlation to presence,
Empathic ways conjures feelings more connected to others,
than they can ever begin to fathom with their own two eyes,
Loneliness disguised as scoring one night stands,
Walls built to protect secret weapons and plan B’s,
Give to charity with stubborn feelings of pride,
Wealth is needed to fully enjoy insanity,
Travel the world and make new friends (sorry, followers),
To promote through hidden journeys and distant salvation,
Can’t shake off this feeling that the idea of him in the preliminaries, was what love should be like before it went awry,
Not afraid of the dark but what it means to be,
So aware of yet another upcoming loveless night,
Unconditional or conditional are both temporary,
What is forever when bliss is an elapsed time to showcase,
Whether Heaven or Hell would suffice for my elderly soul?
Strive for both yet expectations subconsciously takes its toll,
a little each day,
Meditation really works!
Laughing maniacally,
Laying on the grass while sensing onlookers’ judgment,
Ultimate knowledge seeps through veins from a vacant heart,
Does it truly matter if one sins differently from another?
Life is a telenovela performed with deception and intrigue,
Evil acts attract a larger audience,
Happy endings are disappointing to most,
Feeding bloated minds of starving artists,
Reviewing and exploiting what is observed in a material world,
Let’s type words because they amount to nothing,
“Will you marry me?”
A question that invited his words destined to become my grave,
Cry just to let me know you can,
Whether I save you next time around or if history repeats itself,
My selfish yearning is love preoccupied for reciprocation,
Unconditional love belongs to the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost,
No one else would be rightfully placed on a pedestal,
Demons scream when touching a Bible or being forced into church,
Detox a life for I have been where you are now,
Burning bridges shore to shore until a fossil is the only proof,
That I have been around before the sacrilegious bonfire,
Ignite my soul in fire or light,
You decide my fate apparently,
you are the judge and jury it seems,
Beautiful lies summon the handsome devil,
Contemplating if I’m truly made in God’s image

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Funny dialogue

Hello to my blogging fallen angels! Im still working on a lengthy allegory. I have been busy involved with the church and with advocacy unlimited. The church actually helped me apply for volunteer work at a retirement home in my neighborhood. And im also an activist for Advocacy Unlimited for people with mental health issues. I, myself, have those kinds of issues but nothing stops me from pursuing my goals and dreams in life. Anyway I wanted to end this short post with some funny dialogue.

“Me: What does he see in her?
Emily(my friend): I don’t know. To each his own, i guess.
Me: To eat his own what?”

Have a wonderful day, my fallen angels! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! 🙂

Clean Up, Clean Up, Everybody Do Your Chores!

Phew! Today was my church’s annual clean up. We did the lawn work and the memorial garden. I signed up to volunteer for it weeks in advance. Originally I signed up because I’m the newest member of the church and I wanted to give a great first impression. I was kinda dreading today but once I began working on the field, it was such an amazing experience. My church family are so welcoming and sincere. It made today a pleasant day after all. We took breaks and talked about the history of the church and the people whose ashes are spread within the memorial garden. It’s funny because I turned down an offer to go to Lake Compounce this morning. To be honest, I didn’t feel like dealing with people in my age group today. Sometimes I need a break from them. They can be very annoying. I’m the youngest member of my church and I always get along better with older people anyway. It’s always been that way. I preferred befriending my teachers in grade school. My ex fiance was literally twice my age! I would rather be around older folks. There’s advantages and disadvantages to age. Romantically it’s mostly a bad idea. The older someone is, the more baggage they have. I learned that the hard way… Anyway, age also predetermines the maturity ballpark, so to speak. The older someone is, the more mature they might be. I say might because there are people much older than me who are nowhere near my level. Back to the church clean up, I’m currently finished and eating a dunkin donuts new chip’s ahoy donut and coffee. Life is great when you do hardwork and get praise for it. I never was praised as a kid or even rewarded. That’s probably why my childhood was so screwed up. Oh wells! It’s never too late to redeem yourself. Have a wonderful day, my hard-working fallen angels! Over and out.

Life: Break down. Get up. Repeat.

Good morning to my sleepy fallen angels! I love Sundays. It’s good to set aside one day a week to train myself spiritually by going to church. Lord knows I needed church this week. I had a hard time all week long. But I am okay now. I was taking a shower before I went to church earlier today and I was suddenly very aware of the shampoo and conditioner. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Like life. Break down. Get up. Repeat. Our daily lives are busy. Whether it’s school or work or anything else, we are doing the best we can to establish our place in the world. Rest. Repent. Love. Beautiful words I include in my daily prayers. My ex’s altrustic ways must have rubbed off on me somewhere along our past relationship. I wasn’t always happy or hopeful. I was once deep in rock bottom. So many things contributed to my rebirth. I am always grateful because I never lose in life. I either win or I learn, never neither, sometimes both. Break down. Get up. Repeat. Resilience is how long it takes for you to get up after you break down. Anyway, I saw this post on Facebook recently that asked if your ex and your phone were hanging off a ledge, which one would you save. Comments below were so vile. “My phone, duh!” Or “I can live without my ex but not without my phone.” How evil is that? Your ex is another human being regardless. You can always buy another phone. We are all human beings. We all have our internal struggles. I have mentioned this before but I can’t stress that enough. If someone betrays you, pray for them. If someone is rude to you, pray for them. Don’t hate one another. We all break down, get up, and do it all over again. Forgiveness is so damn beautiful! I care about everyone at all times. I’m not saying this just because I’m in a good mood right now. Life is short. And for someone to hold grudges and remain close-minded their whole life is a tragedy. That description reminds me of my mother. My childhood was violent and miserable. Just to live past 18 was a true accomplishment and bountiful blessing on my behalf. Then again, some mothers throw their babies in dumpsters or get abortions so my fate could have been much worse. I forgive my mother. But I can’t find her. She disowned me and then moved away without telling me where. So I forgive her to let go of the scared child inside and move forward towards the oriented. So live up to your responsibilities and allow yourself to break down sometimes. The sooner you do, the sooner you can get up once more. It’s okay to not feel okay sometimes. Allow God in your heart, your life, and He will show you the way to salvation. I realize that is the ONLY way. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.
image

What’s true vs. What’s right

Good morning my beautiful fallen angels! How are you on this lovely day? New adventures will be embarked on today just like any other day. Anyway, today, I would like to discuss the concept of truth versus the concept of righteousness. I haven’t been baptized before because I lived in a Muslim family growing up. But I’m planning on getting baptized sometime this Summer. Today I spoke with my priest again for the second Tuesday ever. I am still new in the ways of Christianity so he helps me with any questions I have (I have many questions! Lol) as well as discuss philosophy. I enjoy my little chats with Father Mark. One topic we came across was the difference between ethics and honesty. He told me a brief example. He said, “if it was still World War 2 times and you were harboring Jews in your cellar before the Nazis knocked on your door, would you lie to them and say no or tell them the truth?” It’s a question of conflict between the two concepts I mentioned already. Telling the truth saves the lives of the Jews while lying in itself is supposedly wrong. It’s got me to thinking about corruption in the world which when snowballed to the Illuminati. The coexistence of a truth and a lie and whose to argue that the Illuminati is right or wrong made our discussion a philosophical one. And if corruption in itself is the norm, then it defeats the very definition of corruption. My priest then tied the conversation back to the core topic at hand (my inevitable baptism) when I thought the conversation went on a huge tangent. He said, “we all walk on this road, while we carry the load, as we walk side by side towards the oriented (the way towards the light). Humans tend to stray away from the light sometimes but it’s up to us to not let our sins distract us from the way. What’s true and what’s right may differ from everyone and any given situation. But the majority of people believe that any decisions they make have a justifiable reason for being good even when it’s not. For the most part, we are doing the best we can.” I am spellbound by discussions I have with my priest or my clinician too. I prefer conversations pertaining to something bigger than ourselves rather than having to dumb myself down to talk to my peers about social media or celebrities. This is why I usually don’t associate with people in my own age group. It may be true as to what I’m saying about people my age but is it right to imply that they are normally naive? Or maybe it’s not true, that it’s just my general opinion? Who knows? I tend to generalize a lot regardless so perhaps it’s not true. I’m human just like everyone else and it’s not in my place to decide what’s right in comparison to what’s true in response to others. But it’s safe to say I can decide that for myself about myself. Well that was quite philosophical. Heed my words and have a wonderful day, my fallen angels! Over and out.

Leader of the Fallen (me!)

image

This is me today. It’s a glorious Sunday and I just got out of church. This whole gothic, darkness style intrigues me deeply but I have a big heart and i mean well. God loves me and all His other creations, no matter what. I am beautiful and so are you. So don’t assume people who dress like me worship Satan or something else bizarre. It’s usually the Goths who have suffered a lot yet are humbled and more caring than anyone else. It is the troubled who smile the brightest of all. Have a wonderful day, my glorious fallen angels! Over and out.

“Is there a church membership?”

Hello again! Right after I added a new post this morning, I went to church for the first time in my life. I decided that I need a nearby church I can attend regularly every Sunday. I believe in God and pray every night before I go to bed. However, I felt I surpassed the maturity level to take religion and spirituality more seriously. I decided to be a Christian and open my heart to The Lord, The Son, and The Holy Spirit. I walked into my local church, completely clueless as to what to do once I stepped foot in there. The people there greeted me with open arms. They were so accepting and genuine. I wasn’t used to that. People usually are oblivious to my presense and I have come across so many who were negative, godless, and evil. I was brought up in a muslim family who hated gays and anything else that didn’t pertain to the Islamic faith. My mother was miserable and so negative though. I never thought she was a real muslim at all. But now that I am grown and out there on my own, I realized I can pick any religion I want. I was so lost and confused that I even asked the priest if there was a sign up sheet to get a membership to the church. He told me, “Of course not. You can just show up. It was a pleasure meeting you and I can’t wait to see you next Sunday.” No one has ever been that nice to me without wanting something in return. I feel blessed. And just a sidenote to my fallen angels, I call you all my fallen angels the same way Lady Gaga calls her fans her little monsters. It’s just for fun. I am not evil or anything. I hope you all know that. Thank you for always staying up to date with my posts. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.