Salvation IV

I yearn to inflict pain on you, but I can’t avoid imagining you as a pygmic nostalgia.
It must have taken a village to raise you into the fine man you’ve become.
To force your world into annihilation both surpasses my aptitude and opposes my morals.
Nothing happens only to consume finite time.
We either triumph or acquire new perceptions often mistaken for facts.
Who really knows which postulates are worthy of ultimate reality?
I tend to utilize superlatives and generalizations to indulge in my self-pity.
However mankind’s greatest achievement is diversity.
To each his own.

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Salvation III

Both the vulnerable and the secure possess fear of being found out.
May our human compassion for one another end injustice and give our society a more human face.
Fallen heroes and broken villains seek love beyond their reach.
Everything is said and done yet time only moves forward –
It never looks back to intervene with our inevitable mortality.
So there’s no need to hold a grudge rivaling my bittersweet desolation.
My sincerest apologies could never phase through the walls of an unopened mind.
Don’t be afraid of me.
Don’t be ashamed.
Walk in the way of my soft resurrection.

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Misinterpreted Perception

Good afternoon to my infatuated fallen angels! It’s been a whole year since the ultimate conclusion of my ex-fiance’s tyranny. I haven’t really been dating anyone since. I had went on a couple dates with this one guy. I look back and I realize I probably shouldn’t have gone on a second date with him. He was a bitch. He was a 25 year old drag queen living with his mommy wasting his state benefits on drag accessories. He was a little boy playing dress-up. Anyway, besides that, loneliness now consumes my repertoire. I think I’m always going to love my ex-fiance, but I just have to learn how to live without him. Lately, though, I have been talking to this new guy. He seems to have his shit together. I’m just afraid he just perceives me as this gothic pervert. I wrote my previous post about him. We barely know each other yet I was stupid enough to show him it. He told me he liked how sexual and kinky and well-written Nocturnal Submission was. But then I started to wonder how he views me as a person. I’m not gonna lie, I had A LOT of sex in my 21 years of life. I used those apps like Grindr and Growlr earnestly through the years. But I’m sick of the sex scene. I’m ready to be in love again. I miss dressing up for a man, the lingering glances, the conscious awareness of when his elbow accidentally brushes up against me as we walk down the beaten path. Getting to know someone other than myself, for once. Wondering if he likes me as much as I like him. I think people tend to perceive me differently than the real me. Yeah, I’m goth, flirtatious, and facetious but I’m also loving, compassionate, and caring. I hate being vulnerable and serious around others. My defense mechanism involves humor and apathy. Yet I’m starting to learn that sometimes in life, there are instances where it’s better to be vulnerable in someone’s company. I feel like I can survive in the wilderness if I was stranded on an island or still end up on the Dean’s List if I went to college drunk everyday, but when it comes to social situations and establishing relationships, it’s the hardest thing I can ever do. I really like this new guy though. I want him to know my true intentions. I’m not looking for just sex. If I was, I would just download those apps again. It would be so easy to have a random man fuck me at my place then kick him to the curb afterwards. But it’s harder to create a real connection with someone. I don’t want to just exchange texts with him. I wanna hang out with him and get to know him. I wanna know his mannerisms, his habits, if he reads while silently lipsyncing or if he reads strictly in his head. I want a friend. A confidant. I wanna have their back while they have mine. An ally in this psychological war called life. He would never have to worry about me cheating or lying. This loneliness is killing me slowly but surely. I know I don’t need anyone but I want someone more than anything. I’m not desperate. I’m just overwhelmed but excited to admit that I’m finally ready to love again. I guess I’ll take it one day at a time. Maybe this new guy really did like my poem. Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe he’s just really busy today. Perhaps this love interest is reciprocated after all. Wish me luck in the days to come. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: Thanks for reading 🙂

Warmline Operator Bio

Before recovery, my life was…

hopeless, frustrating, and lonely. My family was very negative and constantly putting me down. Getting kicked out was a blessing in disguise.

My thoughts and feelings when I first started recovery were…

skeptical and pessimistic because people always told me that life will get better. I thought it was nonsense until I started believing in God and realizing that hardship is the only way to strengthen the soul.

What would you say is different about yourself now that you are in recovery, compared to how your life was before?

Positivity tends to come to me naturally now. I am a lot more self-aware and resilient as well. I have less people in my life these days, but at least I know now how to extract negative people from my social circle.

What are three ways that you maintain your recovery today?

a. Blogging

b. Physical Fitness

c. Keeping Busy (working out, attending college, going to church, etc.)

If you had the opportunity to tell another young person why they should seek recovery, what would you say?

Life is too short to be ashamed of your mental health problems. If you ignore them and leave them untreated, you will always be in misery. Life is not a video game either. You don’t have multiple lives. You only have one and it’s fragile and precious. We all have the ability to better ourselves and convert our trauma and hardship to our advantage.