Ode to fall victim to love unreciprocated

My gaze lingers on him like a cat, ready to pounce on a rat,
Blissful dreams I keep to myself,
Will potential become kinetic?
Only time moves forward,
Sympathetic exposure to the typical,
Things I know how to do,
Most people don’t,
Simple things like engaging in conversation,
Or maintaining a friendship,
Is an inevitable war to fight for peace,
Harder things in life are easy to me however,
Like surviving, stranded in the wilderness,
To love another is difficult,
To express it is a bullet in the brain,
Doing the same things with every guy,
“What’s up?” “How old are you?” “What’s your sign?”
It’s not my first time at the rodeo,
An army of different personalities I garner,
Exchanging information as a way to barter,
The baggage that we all submit to burden,
Anguish is disturbing due to a eventual broken heart,
Resorted to defeat like shattered glass,
Everything happens for a reason,
One lid for every pot,
Men and women can both lie, cheat, and betray,
Pick your fucking poison,
Don’t want to demolish my current views on his persona,
Afraid he won’t be as good a person as I imagine,
1/7.5 billion chance that he’ll be my soulmate,
Can’t put my hopes up for such overwhelming odds,
For chivalry is dead,
Lingering on my ideal that this man knows necromancy,
Maybe he can resurrect the gentleman within,
As if there’s one to begin with cus I’m wrong like that,
Perhaps the Grim Reaper is the love of my life,
Exotic dingy, dark robes and a sickle in his left hand,
Makes my current prey a basketcase,
Sketetal figure and a sensual touch that kills,
Death intrigues the already half-alive,
Yet I long for a human’s reciprocal feelings,
No one can love like I can,
At least that I know of,
The more aware of life I am,
The less the world is contempt to stay in reality,
Delve into the mystery,
I want to tell him,
I’m resilient to heartbreak, tragedy, and trauma,
Most likely it will scare him rather than attract,
Maybe he’ll understand or at least fathom how I see,
That everyone else is inferior to me cus again I’m wrong that way,
Worst case scenerio my crush will disappoint me,
The Sun will rise cus it won’t be the end of everything,
There’s other fish in the sea blah blah blah,
My safety net is greeting the Grim Reaper,
“Long time no see my old friend”
At least I know I can count on Death in the end

Leave me alone, I’m lonely

Good evening to my fallen angels! My innate behavior towards other people is paradoxical. I tend to push away the people I truly care about yet I feel so alone and I, so desperately, want to connect with others. With friendships, I begin to notice how comfortable I feel around someone and I freak out. I find some excuse or faulty reason why we shouldn’t be friends anymore. Yet I only dreamed of having a group of friends like in the show, Friends. With romantic interests, once secrets and intimacy become overwhelming or more out in the open, I break up with them immediately before they have a chance to hurt me. Yet I have so much love to give and no one to give it to. With family, I had a traumatic past with anyone I once considered family so any replication of a new family gives me this urge to run away. How would I expect to have a social circle of family, friends, and a significant other when fear takes it toll on even the slightest sign of a connection with anyone else? For a while after I broke up with my ex-fiance, I began to use those apps like Grindr and Hornet just to see if I was desirable. Apparently I am. Guys would message me and say, “you’re so cute. Are you a top or a bottom?” I don’t know their name or even if they’re an escaped convict or something. The attention was a bit flattering for a time. It was a confidence booster. Until reality sets in and I realize these guys could be rapacious or murderous. So I delete the apps and co-exist with just myself for a while longer. At least I am attractive but looks aren’t everything. No one cares to delve deeper than my handsome, dark facade or my class-clown nature. People attempt to use me for many different reasons. Sex. Money. Laughter. Labor. I know two people who would love to be my roommate but I can’t even fathom ever accepting living with any other human being. Personalities will change in the flip of a coin. Secrets will be exposed when disagreements ensue. Material things are in jeopardy. Sometimes I could be so cold or mask my internal struggles with humor. I don’t have the luxury of falling into pieces like most people do. I have to be strong or I will die. It’s exhausting to forever be in survival mode, but it’s my life. I have goals, both short term and long. I work towards them every single day. I don’t accept weakness so I tend to strengthen every flaw I have. I don’t think anyone in my life is as strong as me so maybe that’s another reason I can’t get too close to anyone. I become annoyed and frustrated when people don’t listen to my wisdom or when they show any sign of weakness. Oh wells. Intelligence and resilience must have a cost. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.