Help is not the same without family

Hola! What adventures will you embark on today? Anyway, lately I have been getting the feeling that nobody genuinely cares about me. Boo hoo! Lol But in all seriousness,  I have been in the system since I was 14 years old. No, I’ve never been arrested. 14 was the year I first tried to commit suicide. Since then til last year, I was in psych wards, state hospitals, alternative schools, group homes, residential, and transitional homes. I had my fair share of therapy and psych medicine. Although I have come a long way in my road to recovery, this gnawing feeling of inhospitable loneliness clings onto me everyday. I never had a stable home or anyone I really considered family. I had a lot of services throughout the years though. Don’t get me wrong! I’m very grateful for my therapist and additional services I receive from DMHAS but I doubt it’s the same as having a family. I watch a lot of tv and I see these shows like Modern Family or The Middle. Family seems like a burden and they may be annoying as all hell but at the end of the day, they have each other’s backs. Besides one day of the week, my therapist is off the clock. I had the same therapist for years but I doubt she considers me family. She has a family and life of her own and I’m simply just a client. I accept that for what it is. What does it feel like to be a part of a family?  The idea of family repulses me to no end yet maybe that’s because I find it to be co-dependent and weak. At the end of the day, I know if I fail to pay my bills, I will homeless again. If I get arrested, no one will bother to bail me out. If I run out of food, no one will give me any. That’s life. At least that’s my life. Family would sure help but I’m so independent and a lone wolf simply doesn’t have the luxury of dependency. Sure my therapist or my job coach could help me if I needed a bus pass or a laundry card but that’s not like family. There’s a procedure and paperwork that has to be done in order to keep me serviced. It’s not out of the kindness of their hearts. They get paid to help me. I’m grateful but I have yet to know what’s it’s like to be cared for. It seems the only way to have a family is to marry into one. I would have to allow myself to fall in love and share my life with someone else. That’s frightening. My brother has no sense of family either. He married into a family but by observation, he will never officially be an addition to his wife’s family entirely. They don’t go out of their way for him. They do a halfass job just to make him think he’s any importance to their family. It’s sad but my brother would rather tolerate that than face the fact that I am the only family he has left. That he is just as alone as I am. I, myself, can’t live in denial like he can. But to each his own, I guess. In retrospect, maybe marrying into a family isn’t a secure option either. I’m contempt with being alone. I have my services, my confidant, very few friends, and my coping skills. I must continue to live regardless of the cards I was dealt. Have a wonderful day, my fallen angels! Over and out.

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Allegory of the Spiritually Lost

Johnny thought his mind was his own. But there came a time in his life where he realized anyone can have control of it if he lets them. This world was full of disturbing, unfathomable, and powerful beings. They wore the same skin as humans but it was their red eyes that gave away their true identity. Hell-Dwellers. Henchmen of darkness that remained even after the Human Resistance successfully overthrew the Dark King and reclaimed Earth. Friends, family, lovers, anyone could be a Hell-Dweller. The only way to know for sure would be to open yourself up a little. Let someone step into your mind. Even then all we really want is to be loved. Only demons are incapable of love.

Johnny had been engaged to a girl named Lexi. Little did he know her tough exterior and strong personality that once captivated him became the most fearful part of her persona. She told him she loved him. They went out for a year before Johnny popped the question. She said yes through smiling teeth for Lexi knew her charms had worked on him the way she originally intended. The young man looked back to his past relationship with Lexi but had to keep in mind that the Tech Age was governed by only three laws.

Law of attraction is the knowledge that if you are positive, then positivity will always come your way and if you are negative, then only negativity can exist in your mind. Law of allowance lets oneself think new thoughts and experience new experiences without letting fear or anxiety render. Law of acceptance is to accept that things are the way they are and one seldom has control over anything or anyone. These three laws resided in every living creature. Hell-Dwellers had their own warped version of the Trinity.

Johnny threw caution to the wind when he allowed Lexi into his heart. But he never saw her as a mistake. Innocence shrouded him prior to their short-lived civil union. Since he let himself experience the ups and downs, the puppy love and the heartbreak, his innocence was lost. But that didn’t have to be a bad thing. Spiritual maturity enveloped him as he constructed his empathic shields that protected him from further harm. Centering was a daily chore that he enjoyed because it expelled any negative thoughts away from Johnny’s reality. Grounding reminded him that he was not alone, that a divine being had interwoven his life with the lives all around him. Sometimes all these precautionary measures didn’t seem like enough. So he praised to the New Olympians for a spiritual guide to show him the way to alleviate a broken heart.

They answered his prayer as soon as they knew Johnny would be ready to hear it. “You are doing the best you can. You are a beautiful soul and your strength will carry you away from all your fears and anxiety. Lexi was a descendant of the Demon King. Oblivious to the fact that love, unconditional, can defeat all evil. The Human Resistance knew that and it was their fellowship and their love their allies that demolished the reign of demons. Instill that knowledge and make friends of your own. Find the courage to reach out to others for there are others like you who are lost, alone, and afraid to be happy.” It takes a smile, a greeting, any benign gesture, no matter small, to kill the darkness within another. Johnny felt sorry for Lexi. Her voyage to reinitiate the Demon King’s lost dynasty will forever be void of love and friendship.

The first law reassured Johnny that he must be positive and the right woman will heal his heart someday. The second law helped him make new friends and allies. The last law allowed him to be contempt with Lexi’s near-killing blow and move forward with new life lessons learned. He had faith that she would see the error of her ways, but he wasn’t holding his breath for a second.

Psyche, the New Goddess of the Triskelion, looked down from Mt. Olympus endearingly at Johnny. Eros, the New God of Truth and Belief, wrapped his arm around his lover. “Johnny is definitely our son. He has the same personal growth rate that you do, and my faith that love will always defeat evil.”

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A well-deserved lazy day

Good morning to my fallen angels! How was your weekend? So in my weekly schedule, I am always able to relax on Mondays. Mondays are the only days of the week that I’m not in class or working out or going to church. The weather outside is delightful. These nice days are hard to come by in New England. I’m glad winter is no longer keeping spring hostage. I hate winter. The snow, the holidays, the spoiled children… I am a real life Grinch. Lol. I peer outside my window to see vibrant flowers finally regrowing in the park in my backyard. The birds are chirping. I’ll take that than my annoying alarm clock any day of the week. The air is still as if the day refused to start so soon. I live alone so I don’t have to worry about roommates or anyone else waking me up. I count my blessings and I am so grateful for everything I have in my name. I reflect on my life to acknowledge how far I have come. I am loved by friends and family that I have reconnected with recently. I am single now. I’m surprised I am not crying over my ex since I refused his offer to rekindle a dead romance. I am okay. I am a strong, independent young man who has his whole life ahead of him. It would have been tragic to allow my ex to render me from ever finding new love someday. I am in no rush to start dating or anything. My birthday is coming up! I must always remember this relief whenever I do ever miss my ex. I gaze at the sun rise and wonder what new adventures await me in the hours, the days, the years to come. I hope at least one of you reading this feel the same way I do: contempt and at ease. Well have a wonderful day! Over and out.