The Five Sons of Grief

One wore his heart like a crown,
And pretended you were still around

One never learned of forgiveness,
Burning in a pool of his own vengeful sickness

One played the devil’s advocate,
Who sold his soul without commitment

One dreamt away his life,
For every waking moment was in strife

And one grows fond of the change in seasons,
Winter preludes Spring and he knows the reasons

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Poking Fun

Idly standing by waiting for the bus

Lavishing autumn breeze imitating the dead

Only intangible images of an extinguished flame persists

Violet crowns tell me to let go or be dragged

 

Everybody is out to get me –

Yet another generalization

Over in the distance is a decaying vessel

Under the bushes someone abandoned herself

 

My intrigue grows exponentially

Observation leads to investigation

Reaching for a wooden stick

Early enough to notice her morning dew excite me

 

The one time I actually felt alive

Halt the despair before the Sun collects his due

Another addiction to my list

Never knew her but had saw her from time to time

 

Why did I decide to ignore her?

Heavy feelings swelled in her corset I stole

Anything to escape –

The status quo that kept me to myself

 

Scalp covered by the hair she bought prior to her best night

How could I have been so afraid?!

Under the canopy of a sudden truth

Men don’t know what beauty is anymore

 

A time to kill before the bus enforces mundane routine

Neighbors haven’t bothered to look up from their cell phones

Landlord just wanted her money to add on to the recession

Yard work needs to be done

 

 

People forget her as soon as she was done entertaining them

Obtained her fish nets to carry on her legacy

Simple attire bought from a sex shop

Suddenly the wind passed an oppressive ordinance

 

Identity crisis once prevented me from meeting her

Begone! They told me years ago in a comfortable classroom

Little did they know that I was one of a kind

Everyone loves an underdog

 

Exorcise my heart

Warped and misconstrued ideas of love and other vulnerabilities,
Forgotten what desire and old-fashioned attire even feels like,
Garner a vigorous angst to morph manhood into sodomy,
You complete me,
But the Heaven-Dwellers don’t agree,

Angels stare down in disapproval as they choke on their halos,
And get drunk on holy water,
Sympathetically pitying mankind for we are their reflection,
Soul contracts dreaded to be accepted in fear of forbidden fruit,
Humans are prone to sin again and again like a chronic addiction,
As if there’s any other kind of happiness,

Self-harm in the form of you,
Waiting for your call was a kind of torture,
Masochistic ways allowed me to convert pain into pleasure,
Envy into pride,
Love into lust,
A whole being into just a half,
Your ego had my spirit to bear for your words were my grave,
Another homosexual said “my heart is a ghost town,”

Concrete words and sweet nothings I brag about it all,
Your imperfections are subconsciously imitated,
My role model,
My father figure,
My sick obsession,
Higher beings hover above us as I attempt to cut the cords,
But I am stronger than ever because of you,

I annoy you while you bore me,
Your convoy’s obsolete,
how a whore in me came to be,
Hell-mongers born of light and evil creatures syphoned of all hope,
Clean slate marred by heartbreak and other traumatic pandemonium,
Can’t control chaos,
Chaos loiters in the aftermath,

Hood rats scurry to their shadows materialized from the darkness,
Easier being evil,
Easier giving up caution and making a mess of healthy habits,
Oleaginous and insecure I once was,
Svelte and guarded I am now,
The worst mistake I ever made became my facade,
All the angels applaud their last hoorah,
In awe of how similar we all really are,
Before retreating behind the golden gates I negate to surpass,
For I am in denial,
And denial is more than a satire,
I know where I truly belong…

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Help is not the same without family

Hola! What adventures will you embark on today? Anyway, lately I have been getting the feeling that nobody genuinely cares about me. Boo hoo! Lol But in all seriousness,  I have been in the system since I was 14 years old. No, I’ve never been arrested. 14 was the year I first tried to commit suicide. Since then til last year, I was in psych wards, state hospitals, alternative schools, group homes, residential, and transitional homes. I had my fair share of therapy and psych medicine. Although I have come a long way in my road to recovery, this gnawing feeling of inhospitable loneliness clings onto me everyday. I never had a stable home or anyone I really considered family. I had a lot of services throughout the years though. Don’t get me wrong! I’m very grateful for my therapist and additional services I receive from DMHAS but I doubt it’s the same as having a family. I watch a lot of tv and I see these shows like Modern Family or The Middle. Family seems like a burden and they may be annoying as all hell but at the end of the day, they have each other’s backs. Besides one day of the week, my therapist is off the clock. I had the same therapist for years but I doubt she considers me family. She has a family and life of her own and I’m simply just a client. I accept that for what it is. What does it feel like to be a part of a family?  The idea of family repulses me to no end yet maybe that’s because I find it to be co-dependent and weak. At the end of the day, I know if I fail to pay my bills, I will homeless again. If I get arrested, no one will bother to bail me out. If I run out of food, no one will give me any. That’s life. At least that’s my life. Family would sure help but I’m so independent and a lone wolf simply doesn’t have the luxury of dependency. Sure my therapist or my job coach could help me if I needed a bus pass or a laundry card but that’s not like family. There’s a procedure and paperwork that has to be done in order to keep me serviced. It’s not out of the kindness of their hearts. They get paid to help me. I’m grateful but I have yet to know what’s it’s like to be cared for. It seems the only way to have a family is to marry into one. I would have to allow myself to fall in love and share my life with someone else. That’s frightening. My brother has no sense of family either. He married into a family but by observation, he will never officially be an addition to his wife’s family entirely. They don’t go out of their way for him. They do a halfass job just to make him think he’s any importance to their family. It’s sad but my brother would rather tolerate that than face the fact that I am the only family he has left. That he is just as alone as I am. I, myself, can’t live in denial like he can. But to each his own, I guess. In retrospect, maybe marrying into a family isn’t a secure option either. I’m contempt with being alone. I have my services, my confidant, very few friends, and my coping skills. I must continue to live regardless of the cards I was dealt. Have a wonderful day, my fallen angels! Over and out.

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