The Little Kitty

now it’s time to feed

The Little Kitty

she is so hungry

but i don’t notice

through the iridescence

stumblin’ over the pressure

unsure…

of what needs to be done

all i do is stay trapped

in my mind with you

tell me that you’ll stay the same

so that i don’t have to change too

in a world of make believe

in a world of sanctity

we are one and the same

it’s true…

now it’s time to see

The Little Kitty

dehydrated

but i don’t notice

through the concupiscence

fallin’ over the lesson

listen…

tell me what needs to be done

all i do is stay trapped

in my mind with you

tell me that you’ll stay the same

so that I don’t have to change too

in a world of make believe

in a world of sanctity

we are one and the same

it’s true…

Poor Little Kitty

don’t know what to expect lately

maybe…

i know what needs to be done

all i did was stay trapped

in my mind with you

i don’t care if you stay the same

but I need to change too

Flames to Douse

Celestial involvement

Cataclysmic proportions

Glorified suicide

Divine interventions

 

Born to a chapel

Born in a white house

Fed a poisoned apple

And left with flames to douse

 

Lie with a whisper

Lie with the lights out

Allied with the winter

And friends with the drought

 

Ready to suffer

Ready to hope

It’s a shot in the dark

And the end of my rope

 

Regret is an elephant in the room

It’s eating all my food

Leaving none for you

What is there to do?

 

For I, alone, am the answer

I, alone, will make wrongs right

But in order to root out the cancer

It has to be kept from the sunlight

One-Eyed Dreamworld

The past is dead, but the nightmares live on. The nightmares are tangled with the real memories of my stolen innocence. For the first time in my life, I’m having insomnia. Sleep was my only escape, but now my Dreamworld seems to be tainted…

Where will I go now? Must I seek refuge amongst reality, a daydream yearning to be the real thing?

You are my nightmare. You are who I fear to be. A man encumbered in self-hatred and greed. A man who never appreciates a sunrise. A man who seeks power from those who cannot control it.

I defy the need to die at this present time. There is a time and a place to die, but this isn’t it. I am grateful for the present, even if it isn’t a special occasion right now. Or perhaps life itself is a gift and the past is merely the opened present unraveled haphazardly at the edge of the bed…

Where will I go now? Must I seek refuge amongst reality, a daydream yearning to be the real thing?

I’ll never know unless I try. To make dreams a reality, I must first find the courage to get out of bed…

Yearning for Adventure

Born with a void

Hard to destroy

With love

Swimming in your eyes

Infested with lies

But desperate to connect

Yearning for adventure

So cold and unsure

But it’s best to stay home

Your voice is so soft

My heart aches so loudly

My boundaries are sensitive

As I dance upon a tessellate

I keep the dying light exposed,

In hopes it will expand,

And if it was to fade away,

I would die by my own hand

Where The Sun Don’t Shine

Evil is but a shadow in this illuminescent world,

A fraction of the truth lying distorted on the ground,

Time of day deviates,

Shadows calculate,

They know when your Sun sets,

They know when you’re at your weakest,

Stretching farther and farther as the day grows long,

Until you’re nothing but a host,

Keeping the darkness tethered to your reality,

Misery doesn’t love company

For it is not capable of such beautiful things,

But it requires an audience,

And a blade to the wrist is the applause it needs to triumph

Shipwrecked

This chair is an island,

And I can’t touch the floor,

I thought I was done with Hell and,

Now I come crawling back for more,

 

You cause such damage,

A beautiful monstrosity drenched in gore,

How do you manage,

To make me want nothing more,

 

I’m so tired of myself,

This rope necklace looks better on me now than ever before,

The best liquor is on top shelf,

And I can’t touch the floor

Second Best

Hello to my courageous fallen angels! Lately I’ve been talking to a new romantic interest for the first time in two years (apart from my married friend with benefits and that guy from PRIDE club who led me on the whole time just to tell me he already had a boyfriend), but this time, it finally seems to be mutual.

If you have been following me for a while, you’ll know that I was once engaged to my ex-fiance. I proposed to a man twice my age because I really loved him, but our relationship was shaky from the start. He was living with an ex of his when we first met. He was condescending and controlling. He was so handsome and charming.  Only God knows what The Narcissist did behind my back. It terrified me how much I cared for him. I gave up my beliefs, my morals, and my dreams when I fell in love with him. I always told myself that if things didn’t work out with him, I would forever be condemned to settle for second best. Perhaps I jinxed myself when I placed him on a metaphorical pedestal. After all this time, thoughts of him still plague my mind at night, and tearing at my insides like a savage hunger. I look back and I realize that there were so many red flags that I refused to see. I had to let him go. He had total power over me, but enough was enough. The hardest thing I ever did was walk away from a man that I’m still, to this day, madly in love with.

Now with this new guy, I feel awful for even thinking that he’ll never compare to my ex-fiance. That I’ll never love him or anyone else, for that matter, ever again. But I need to give him a chance. He doesn’t have to compare to my ex, but he can be a different, more healthy romance.

I have been on my own for so long though. I have forgotten what love and desire even feels like in this chronic loneliness. I feel so dead inside. Like I’m just half-alive, going through the subtle waves of life until my inevitable and anticipated demise.

I was disowned by my family on my 18th birthday. But even before that, I had a feeling my mother stopped caring about me once I came out at 14 because she was a devout muslim and homosexuality was the devil to her. She probably planned my abandonment for the following four years. I was homeless, then I lived in a halfway house, and now I have my own apartment. For the first time, I’m paying bills, attending college as a full-time student, and looking for a new job. So technically, I don’t really need anyone. It’s just that there are so many lonely nights and all the one night stands I lost count of from those gay hookups apps are never enough. Artificial love isn’t as good as the real thing.

At this point, being in a relationship will result in me being either too clingy or too guarded. Honestly, I’d rather be too guarded if those were my only two options. I would like to at least keep my pride intact if nothing else.

It takes courage to open yourself up to someone after a heartbreak that you can very well never fully get over. But I can’t live like this anymore. If I find out he’s not as good a person as I’d like him to be, then I don’t have to put up with any shit from him or anyone else. I see more clearly now. Blindness and love are no longer synonymous terms. I love myself more than anyone else ever will. I am the only constant variable in my life. Everyone else tends to fade away after a while. I can’t get attached again… I just can’t….

What is a healthy relationship? I don’t know but maybe I’ll find out someday. If it’s not him, it’s someone else, right? See? I’m such a pessimist. I’m already planning on what to do if things go wrong with this new guy.

Well, wish me luck, my fallen angels! Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Mania II

Mania I

Take me back! I’ll literally crawl to you! I need you! I’m half-alive without you! After all this time, I still love you! I don’t want anyone else! Any other man I would end up with will always be second best to you! It felt like kisses when you abused me! Hit me! Yell at me! Take all your frustrations and pent-up rage out on me! Please! I beg of you! Love me again! Want me the way you did when you first saw me! Make me your bitch! Anything… just be here with me tonight! I don’t have a support system. I don’t have close family or friends. I’ve been unloved for so long. Neglected and abused. My life is hell! Sometimes I think God hates me. Did I do something nefarious and unforgivable in a past life? Am I the reincarnation of Job? What’s wrong with me? My love, only you can cure me of this madness with your own brand of madness that only you can bestow upon me! My heart, my soul, my body, my mind, my belongings are all yours! I’m on my knees for your bittersweet fellatio, my holy communion. My religion is you, my handsome devil. My love…

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

The Five Sons of Grief

One wore his heart like a crown,
And pretended you were still around

One never learned of forgiveness,
Burning in a pool of his own vengeful sickness

One played the devil’s advocate,
Who sold his soul without commitment

One dreamt away his life,
For every waking moment was in strife

And one grows fond of the change in seasons,
Winter preludes Spring and he knows the reasons

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

Free Choice

Hello to my inconsistent fallen angels. I’m so sorry that I haven’t been blogging nearly as much as I used to. I have been in a rut for the longest. I have major depression and bipolar disorders. I’m sick of people saying that they’re just labels because if they were so, then they wouldn’t exist to begin with. I have serious issues and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I have nothing left to lose and I don’t feel like the world owes me anything. It is what it is. I’m refusing to take my meds. I’m a grown ass man so I can do that. No medication in the world can cure a broken heart or loneliness. I have to be patient and go through the motions. I have to resist this urge to quit everything in my life, such as college or this blog. I already quit my job and the GSA at my college so my resistance isn’t perfect but I have more important obligations I refuse to give up on. I found friends in the most unlikely places and I’m more blessed than I give myself credit for. However, I’m not afraid of death nor am I afraid of man. I’m only afraid of the things I can’t see. It’s those things that gives my life meaning and purpose. Things that require faith in order to establish within our own realities. Well I hope you understood my psychobabble. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles