Anthology I

My ex-fiance taught me how to love,
Even if it was unrequited,
His rebound taught me how to break a heart,
Even if I regret it,
My ex-boyfriend taught me not to be so trusting,
Even if he wasn’t sleazy,
His rebound taught me the easy is never good,
Even if the good is never easy

Your actions affect the ones you love. I don’t know if you’re completely oblivious to this affect or if you simply don’t care. All I do know is that I had just gotten you back in my life, and now you’re taken from me again. The next chapter of this grand anthology…

My Curious George

“So you’re going to chase away a guy who actually likes you and wants to be with you because of your ex-fiance?! IT’S BEEN TWO YEARS! YOU NEED TO FORGIVE HIM AND MOVE FORWARD IN YOUR LIFE! He hurt you really bad, I get it. You were in pain, but now you’re just suffering. Suffering is a choice. You’re choosing to isolate and to feel alone and unloved. Do you like feeling this way?! Because if you don’t, then it is imperative for you to open yourself up to new experiences. That is the only way you’ll ever be able to move on. Escape your comfort zone and take a leap of faith! Put your trust in something far larger than yourself… the unknown.”

A Surreal Memory I Sometimes Wish Would Just Go Away

I would try to rekindle a relationship with an old flame. He broke my heart several times before but I kept giving him chances I later realized he didn’t deserve. Being held in his arms was familiar and comfortable yet I knew it wouldn’t last at that point. The only times he smiled was when I was losing my mind. The confusion, the need for his validation, and this ongoing obsession made me resort to sleeping with random men when he wasn’t there. Anything to try to replicate the original high only he could fully satisfy. I would zone out to the times those arms wanted nothing to do with me, and I was completely aware that a simple statement could make the beautiful illusion collapse once more.

It’s been almost two years, but the psychological abuse still affects me to this day. I don’t know anyone else in my life who was also a victim of a Narcissist. This feeling of loneliness persists like a chronic addiction. This depression is like withdrawal from a drug I sometimes would rather just get in the habit of doing again. Yet the drug itself wants nothing to do with me anymore. It never reciprocated my love for it. The Narcissistic supply he needed from me is depleted. He is my special brand of narcotics I can’t find anywhere else while I am just another generic drug he probably already replaced by now.

* This link convinced me that it was best to stay away.

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Borderlines and Narcissism

I told him I love him
He said “so love me”

I told him I miss him
He said “so miss me”

I told him I need him
He said “so need me”

I asked him “do you love me?”
He replied “I love your excessive admiration”

I asked him “do you miss me?”
He replied “I miss my sense of entitlement”

I asked him “do you need me?”
He whispered “I need your undivided attention”

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Second Best

Hello to my courageous fallen angels! Lately I’ve been talking to a new romantic interest for the first time in two years (apart from my married friend with benefits and that guy from PRIDE club who led me on the whole time just to tell me he already had a boyfriend), but this time, it finally seems to be mutual.

If you have been following me for a while, you’ll know that I was once engaged to my ex-fiance. I proposed to a man twice my age because I really loved him, but our relationship was shaky from the start. He was living with an ex of his when we first met. He was condescending and controlling. He was so handsome and charming.  Only God knows what The Narcissist did behind my back. It terrified me how much I cared for him. I gave up my beliefs, my morals, and my dreams when I fell in love with him. I always told myself that if things didn’t work out with him, I would forever be condemned to settle for second best. Perhaps I jinxed myself when I placed him on a metaphorical pedestal. After all this time, thoughts of him still plague my mind at night, and tearing at my insides like a savage hunger. I look back and I realize that there were so many red flags that I refused to see. I had to let him go. He had total power over me, but enough was enough. The hardest thing I ever did was walk away from a man that I’m still, to this day, madly in love with.

Now with this new guy, I feel awful for even thinking that he’ll never compare to my ex-fiance. That I’ll never love him or anyone else, for that matter, ever again. But I need to give him a chance. He doesn’t have to compare to my ex, but he can be a different, more healthy romance.

I have been on my own for so long though. I have forgotten what love and desire even feels like in this chronic loneliness. I feel so dead inside. Like I’m just half-alive, going through the subtle waves of life until my inevitable and anticipated demise.

I was disowned by my family on my 18th birthday. But even before that, I had a feeling my mother stopped caring about me once I came out at 14 because she was a devout muslim and homosexuality was the devil to her. She probably planned my abandonment for the following four years. I was homeless, then I lived in a halfway house, and now I have my own apartment. For the first time, I’m paying bills, attending college as a full-time student, and looking for a new job. So technically, I don’t really need anyone. It’s just that there are so many lonely nights and all the one night stands I lost count of from those gay hookups apps are never enough. Artificial love isn’t as good as the real thing.

At this point, being in a relationship will result in me being either too clingy or too guarded. Honestly, I’d rather be too guarded if those were my only two options. I would like to at least keep my pride intact if nothing else.

It takes courage to open yourself up to someone after a heartbreak that you can very well never fully get over. But I can’t live like this anymore. If I find out he’s not as good a person as I’d like him to be, then I don’t have to put up with any shit from him or anyone else. I see more clearly now. Blindness and love are no longer synonymous terms. I love myself more than anyone else ever will. I am the only constant variable in my life. Everyone else tends to fade away after a while. I can’t get attached again… I just can’t….

What is a healthy relationship? I don’t know but maybe I’ll find out someday. If it’s not him, it’s someone else, right? See? I’m such a pessimist. I’m already planning on what to do if things go wrong with this new guy.

Well, wish me luck, my fallen angels! Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Pause and Play

Hello to my tech savvy fallen angels! I love promoting the literary bounty that other bloggers garner. This new blogger, The Book Sniffer, wrote this unadorned yet enticing little poem. I enjoyed the metaphor pertaining to a remote control. It’s cute and interesting. I’m surprised I haven’t thought of it myself. Lol. Well, I hope you enjoy it and I encourage you to read other posts from them too. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

The Book Sniffer

If falling in love has a remote control,

I’d play our story over and all,

Go back to the moments when we just started,

And skip every time we think of ways on how to get parted,

I’d slow it down for the times we’re happy,

Pause and Play when things go choppy,

Go fast forward at times we argue,

Zoom in and out, the times when we’re so blue,

We’ll select those cute and memorable scenes,

Go to features and see what love really means,

Activate subtitle to remember the words we uttered,

Press volume to have our voices loudly heard,

But if love really has a remote control,

I’d add one button so that in love we’d always fall,

Remove some buttons like power off and stop,

Add patience for us to never give up,

Then I’ll add just one more feature,

A special button that’s tagged forever,

View original post 15 more words

Mania II

Mania I

Take me back! I’ll literally crawl to you! I need you! I’m half-alive without you! After all this time, I still love you! I don’t want anyone else! Any other man I would end up with will always be second best to you! It felt like kisses when you abused me! Hit me! Yell at me! Take all your frustrations and pent-up rage out on me! Please! I beg of you! Love me again! Want me the way you did when you first saw me! Make me your bitch! Anything… just be here with me tonight! I don’t have a support system. I don’t have close family or friends. I’ve been unloved for so long. Neglected and abused. My life is hell! Sometimes I think God hates me. Did I do something nefarious and unforgivable in a past life? Am I the reincarnation of Job? What’s wrong with me? My love, only you can cure me of this madness with your own brand of madness that only you can bestow upon me! My heart, my soul, my body, my mind, my belongings are all yours! I’m on my knees for your bittersweet fellatio, my holy communion. My religion is you, my handsome devil. My love…

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Chronic Ritual

image

Lying by the fire
Fueling my desire
Silently

Pouring tears on the ground
Behind a mask I found
Deniably

Kissing gusts of wind
In hopes it gets to him
Uselessly

Calling out his name
In the winter rain
So lonely

Holding me so tight
In the dead of night
Nobody

Dying by the hand
Of an older man
Happily

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

Make Your Pain My Own

I want to hold onto the distraught woman who gave birth to a miniature cadaver
While she tries to convince herself it was a figment of her imagination
For I know denial makes it easier to bare
So make your pain my own

I want to hold onto the stoic man who broke my heart then left to find something else to do
While he tries to overcome his insecurities without putting down his walls
For I know it’s impossible to have my cake and eat it too
So make your pain my own

I want to hold onto the vengeful woman who never turns the page of stories that has long since been burned
While she tries to live with the awful things she has done
For I know forgiveness is a hard thing to learn
So make your pain my own

I want to hold onto the naive man who believes it’s okay to force himself to belong with a hateful family
While he witnesses his hopes and dreams crumble to the floor
For I know it may not be lonely to stay and pretend they love me
So make your pain my own

I want to hold onto the guilty man who gave into lust and lost everything he once cared about
While he comes into terms with the consequences of his actions
For I know the past cannot be revised by doubt
So make your pain my own

I want to hold onto the past that’s submerged in my tears
While it hopelessly tries to learn how to breathe without air
For I know nothing lasts forever as happiness fades through the years
So make your pain my own

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

Carve A Smile Into My Face

For the first time since heartbreak disturbed my tranquil fantasy,
Farewells from an Eleutheromanian dream doesn’t surprise me anymore.
I cease friendly fire through a sleepy alertness.
As your charm descends to cataclysmic proportions.
Darkness is handsome if I can’t see you
And your rejection is His redirection.
Not even all the love in the world I could summon by methods of necromancy –
In sacrifice of lesser beings I call friends would make you understand.
This negativity… although enticing, only attracts its kindred.
You once taught me “it” is not called “fucking,”
“It” is called “making love.”
Too bad I can’t make you teach me to survive these sleepless nights.
Forcefully dragged by my thoughts alone rather than letting go,
I carve a smile into my face to embrace this alluring disgrace.

image

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles