One single night

She sings sad songs

every single night

I can hear her through the walls

every single night

if walls could talk

every single night

they wouldn’t talk at all

every single night

they’d merely listen

every single night

she bears her soul

every single night

each note yearns to come out

every single night

She sings sad songs

Every single night

Until she doesn’t

One single night

The One-Eyed Angel fucks conformity

Conforming is predictable, safe, and adaptive to one’s individual place in the world. It is easy to abide by something that is so trivial. Little thought and energy is given to doing things that one normally does. Social norms allow one to experience a sense of safety and security, reassurance, especially in times of discomfort or distress. It is like a safety net, something to fall back on, and something to rely on. One’s comfort zone is a place of familiarity and tranquility. It distills the pressures that life presents, the uncertainty of the future, and the fear that follows close behind.

On the other hand, conformity can also refrain one from trying new things or exploring different realms of understanding the world. People genuinely fear the unknown and conforming is a way one adapts to the changes that life presents us. It can render us from taking necessary risks. Also, it could dissuade us from breaking free of complacence. There is a whole world out there to interact with, to learn from, to experience, but conforming can ultimately hold us back from fully harnessing our potential.

Breaking free of social constructs could also leave one to deviate further and further from the status quo. It alleviates the burden of figuring out how to escape from the confines of one’s mind. It could also prevent any means to abscond from what is expected of us.

Personally, from the outside looking in, most people think I’m crazy. From my point of view, living within the craziness, it merely feels like I’m being chastised for being honest within a world of liars.

After 25 years, I still don’t know what it means to be human. I don’t know if it’s ever possible to stray away from the pressure to confirm. Unless the existential dread that I garner every day is the embodiment of humanity. But at this point in my life, I try not to be negative. I try not to be consumed in the darkness of my past. I tell myself that I’ve reached the other side of the tunnel and being humble is proof of that.

I refuse to close myself off from the world. I won’t allow myself to overgeneralize or to assume every person will hurt me simply because a few actually did. Otherwise, I would be no different than those who actually deserve to be condemned in that fucking box I place the whole world in! I’m not going to let my insecurities or my hurt feelings sever my ties to humanity. Or else this unrelenting misery will be all I’ll ever know. And conforming will forever be an inevitability.

I don’t think society is getting worse though. I think the plethora of national occurrences had always been happening. Perhaps society, itself, is becoming more self-aware. Things that used to happen behind closed doors, things that we were once ashamed to admit to anyone – are coming to light. Instead of judging the truth for what it is, we should learn from these horrific events because how else will humanity evolve?

Are there any jobs out there where everyone can be as gay as they fucking want without discrimination? Jesus fucking Christ! Why do social constructs exist where only people confined in the box labeled “majority” can thrive? Like why do I have to be a certain way and come from a certain place and look a certain way to be treated fairly? I question social and cultural constructs and norms all the time when most people abide by them without question. I feel like an alien living in an unfair Utopia where hard work and dedication doesn’t mean anything if you don’t fit the cookie cutter lifestyle that’s expected of us. Fuck conformity! Fuck social acceptance! Hail deviance! Hail satan!

It seems like everything is a social construct. For some reason, women earn 80 cents on the dollar compared to men for doing the same shit as of 2018. It’s even less for women of color. What the fuck is that all about? How come throughout time anyone who isn’t a rich, white, straight man got treated like shit? Why does it matter if you’re male or female or gay or bisexual or transsexual or non-binary or cisgendered? Who cares if you’re black, white, asian, yellow, Hispanic, or Krytonian for fuck’s sake? We are all equals. Point blank.

It used to be legal to own a slave. It used to be illegal to help a runaway slave. People used to think the Earth was flat. And anyone who thought the world was round was ostracized. The pilgrims left Europe to find The New World where they can be free to be themselves and to practice any religion they like. Look how that turned out too! And then we have Columbus Day? He didn’t even discover America! The Native Americans were here way before we were. And the pilgrims just pushed them further and further west until they all splashed right into the Pacific Ocean. Everything is bullshit! The textbooks that we have our children read as ultimate truth? This whole society is built on lies!

I always tell myself that every single life is precious, but there are some days when it’s harder to believe that. Meditation, grounding, centering, and shielding helps remind me that despite the chaos that occurs all around the world, there is also astounding beauty surrounding us all. There are two sides to every coin. You can generalize and say the world and its inhabitants are doomed to hell. However, generalizations are merely logical fallacies. You can ultimately create a theory out of anything, but that doesn’t mean it’s right. Tragedy humbles us, builds our resilience, and allows us opportunities to take part in helping others. Good stems from evil. And the majority will never keep us down!

Most people tend to project their own insecurities and their own morals and beliefs onto other people. Most of the time, whenever someone treats you in a negative way, it usually has nothing to do with you at all. You have every right to occupy space in this world just as much as anyone else. No more, no less. Don’t let other people force their own morals and beliefs onto you. Don’t feel ashamed when they’re disappointed that your truth doesn’t match theirs. For this world is full of so many possibilities. Each living thing has an entirely unique experience.. The sights they see.. the sounds they hear…. the lives they live.. are so complicated and yet so simple. Regardless, you’re something extraordinary… you’re a human being.

Nocturnal Inspiration

It’s darkest before the dawn’s early rise,
When the brightest ideals are up for grabs,
I alone am the answer to this prize,
Cheating temporary death to keep tabs,
Is it right to sacrifice rest for art?
When the Sun brings forth new ways of thinking,
Not my kind of thinking but it’s a start,
Moon shines its lover’s scraps fit for a king.

I won’t let lethargy rob me of this,
It’s mine! I won’t let the light of day thrive!
Light gets enough attention as it is,
Let the underdog crawl from its own strife.
Gold chariot comes to pull me from bed,
but like man’s best friend, I like to play dead

Midnight Summer Breeze

In undergarments

in the dark staring

out at a full moon silence

held at bay with only the sound

of my breath beautiful

tranquility a safe haven only I know

exists

starlight spills through the blinds

skin bathed in an ethereal hue

would this night

feel the same with you?

others are out there

in the dark staring down

at a bright screen

silence held at bay with

only the sound of validation

beautiful tranquility within a home

I cannot fathom

Shades are drawn skin

plastered in an enchanting glow

how the hell would

I know?

Tearing At The Seams

I’m in love with a man

I can’t say no to,

I’m in love with the man

Of my dreams,

I’m in love with a man

That I’ll hold onto

And my mind is tearing

At the seams,

I’m in love with a man

No one compares to,

I’m in love with a man

More handsome than you,

I’m in love with a man

Who says he loves me too

And my heart is breaking

Heart is aching…

Rooted to the Ground

Blades of grass tear through my throat,

Down to my lungs,

I am nothing if not rooted to the ground,

I shake my tree to bear fruit to a barren wasteland,

I fool my body to fertilize the garden,

For every seed I sow,

I make this world more beautiful,

If only for a moment,

There’s a special kind of sadness that seems to come with Spring,

At least that’s what I whisper to myself at night

Tried With You

You guarded yourself very well. You didn’t even have to. I would never have intentionally hurt you. You thought I was weak yet you perceived me as a threat. You felt that you could just walk all over me. You thought that I wouldn’t catch on to your little games. I sensed the pain that you garnered, the suffering that you’ve endured every passing day. I knew you considered suicide. I knew that your ex-husband was sending you mail to my address. And I know that you’re probably living with her now. You don’t owe me anything. I thought I could save you. I thought I could help you get back on your feet again. But I was so wrong. How could I have expected you to love me when your whole life depended on self-preservation and survival? Someone like you doesn’t have the mental capacity to love. All your energy was spent on trying to live another day. Maybe I was selfish for having a homeless man stay with me and expecting a relationship out of it. Maybe I did feel a sense of power and control. Maybe it felt good to know that someone needed me. I admit that I’ve done wrong but you never admitted your wrong-doings. I tried with you, but we weren’t equally yoke. You had secrets. You made me feel like everything that happened between us was solely my fault. You manipulated my emotions and you’re a sociopath who fools everyone in your wake. Your delusions even make you fool yourself. What could I have possibly done to save you?

Nothing.

Cried With You

I kicked off my work shoes and securely closed the door behind me. You glanced in my direction, your eyes moist and red with grief. I dropped everything and kneeled idly by your side. You looked away and buried your face, a feeble attempt to hide the pain. I held you in my embrace and realized that you had let me in. You sobbed while your tears were accompanied by somber tunes. I ignored the uncomfortable feeling of my knees on marble tiles. You were my top priority and nothing else mattered that night. I whispered positive affirmations in your ear and that was when you turned your whole body towards me and said that you loved me. I felt butterflies fluttering while you were sitting there in turmoil. So I stayed there beside you and cried with you. You were too good to be true. I found it easiest to love you when you had no one else to turn to.