Good Tidings

Wrapped in silk like an Egyptian queen,

Waiting for a widow to consume me.

A fairy encased in between,

Tormented by goblins I cannot see.

Your arms are like an ocean,

You push me out,

You pull me back in.

I converted water into wine

Just to feel you on my lips 

One more time.

My heart is a drunken concert hall,

And I fill it with you.

Hear comes the crescendo!

Rattling my bones out of slumber!

Good tidings I bring

To you and your sins,

I will forgive

The pain you inflict.

Mommy

Daddy

Oh, mother! It’s been four years since I heard your melodic voice, seen your beautiful face, smelled your fragrant perfume, tasted your homemade cooking, and felt your broken heart that now mirrors my own. For so long, it was easier to joke around and hate you for disowning me, but somewhere along the way, I found the tear-stained strength to be gentle and kind towards your antique memory. I don’t know where you are. I don’t know if thoughts of me ever cross your mind. Where are you?! I need you! Oh, mother! I’m sorry! I forgive you! It feels like you passed away! I don’t think you love me anymore! I want to caress your mascara cheek and wipe away all your pain, all your hatred that keeps you from turning the page of a fairy tale that never reached its tranquil end. Please be happy! But I can’t turn the page for you. There’s too much serenity in my own story. I can feel the soil slipping from my fingers as the sadness takes over me and waters yet another loving, traumatic memory. I stare six feet below me into the vast unknown in hopes that something…. anything will grow between us again.

An Angel’s Awakening (A-CUBED)

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Good morning to my blessed fallen angels! I finally got baptized today! It’s been long-awaited. (Aww! Look at me in my church clothes as opposed to my gothic garb.) I’m officially an Episcopalian now! I love my church family! I love God! People can disappoint me, betray me, neglect me, abuse me, avoid me, judge me, use me, and hurt me but I’m so happy to give myself up to The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit. I never have to worry about God doing any of those things to me that people have done time and time again. It’s all trials and tribulations. It’s expected to go through hardship in life in one way or another. I am definitely not an exception to that biblical rule. I have no regrets, no held grudges, and no hatred towards anyone or anything. Everything I have been through (“The Sufie Saga”) led me to this moment. My mother told me I made her depressed and that she should’ve aborted me, but I forgive her. The only man I have ever loved (so far…) broke my heart in ways I never thought was humanly possible, but I forgive him too. I’m so emotionally resilient. I have been abused physically, mentally, sexually, emotionally, and even spiritually (by a psychic Narcissist). However, I still manage to get out of bed in the morning, smile, laugh (sometimes manically), and uphold my daily responsibilities. Three weeks from now, I’m starting acolyte training to someday become a priest. I’m also in college to be a therapist for people with mental health problems. And I garner spiritual abilities of my own. Just yesterday, I was contemplating killing myself, but it’s amazing how God can save me just when I feel like giving up. I am going to help and heal a lot of people! I’m gonna make this world a better place than when I found it! On the other hand, I will still don the name, The One-Eyed Angel because this darkness infested with depression and rage will always be a part of me. It has helped me survive through the worst of times and helped me appreciate with ultimate gratitude the best of times. All emotions are temporary, both good and bad. I know I’m not gonna feel this happiness consistently for the rest of my life, but I accept that simply because I must accept that. Although I don’t have any close friends or family members who went to my baptism today, I have acknowledged already that my life is a lonely one so no surprises that no one outside my church family came today. I’m okay though. There must be some valid reason God didn’t place too many people in my life. Some can handle society while some can’t. To each his own. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Always end with a kiss

Shadows spill on the walls made to defend,

For loneliness is not worthless,

Enduring the crevices for hardship’s a godsend,

Failure doesn’t exist but the interior is still a mess,

Depleting all black sludge from the alcove,

No use crying over spilled milk,

Gratitude and puissance dove,

From Elysium meander down like silk,

The king nidificates his crown atop his head,

Belgian nuns misplace their two eyes to appreciate the third,

Minstrels convivially express themselves through song,

Lovers hold on to anything and everything,

A pharaoh treats their body as the temple they govern,

Belly dancers convey concupiscence to earn a living,

Mankind rely on belief that God will give just enough to handle,

Rooted to the floor while the darkness imitates,

If one can convince themself to be hopeless,

Surely the coin’s benign side can be just as persistent,

Cast forth Roy G. Biv a halo of color hovering above,

Spiraling and emanating before the makeshift tree,

Entangled sacrilege encased underneath a rainbow fleece,

Morph into any way the light decides to reflect,

Texture of choice for the cloaked figure in the distance can’t see,

Just a sphere of white mist translucent yet not duplicated,

For evil is subjective both fire and sunlight are illuminescent,

Yet opposing forces each attract only their own respective brethren,

All good stories are concluded wars and well-deserved peace

Accept Death’s gentle release,

A passionate kiss shared between two beneficial friends

I’ve survived worse

Abused in every possible way,
Isn’t life wonderful and great?
But I can still smile everyday,
There’s no need to hold grudges and hate,
Penance is free it’s never too late,
To let things go like Elsa taught us,
Losing faith in the idea of a soulmate,
I’ve survived worse no need to fuss,

Everyone thinks it’s easy to cope,
Because they can’t even begin to understand,
How hard it is to still have hope,
Just to get out of bed and to make a stand,
Everyone takes my arm whenever I offer a hand,
I would be a hypocrite but at least I wouldn’t be a wuss,
Now I am grown maybe I’ll start a band,
I’ve survived worse no need to fuss,

Trust issues and paranoia are my favorite trends,
So used to betrayal both betrayer and betrayed,
So who am I to be vengeful when I’m on the receiving ends?
Life is short and unfair cliches never astrayed,
Survival is success for rape won’t stop me from getting laid,
Never again will I have to step foot on a school bus,
Doesn’t matter anymore for people always tend to fade,
I’ve survived worse no need to fuss,

Now I deal with the repercussions of my past,
My legacy is everlasting self-reflection is a must,
Who will I let in next? Will they ever last?
I’ve survived worse no need to fuss

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

We all need help sometimes

Good evening to my hopeful fallen angels! It seems like even the best of us have our hard times. I was raised to judge people and to be close-minded. If you read any of my previous posts, you’ll know just how fucked up my childhood was because my mother raised me. I forgave her but there are still some things that seem to stick with me. She used to talk shit about homeless people or elderly people or even children. As a kid, I thought it was normal. I have been through so much since then. I now find myself going to soup kitchens whenever I run out of food stamps for the month. I look at the other people socializing in the basement of my church and I can’t ever imagine myself saying anything bad about them. The poor aren’t hopeless. They aren’t stupid. They are hopeful. They are resourceful. Some rich people are evil and some are loving. Same with the less wealthy. Financial status is not a corelation to how good a person is. My mother was the evil one. However I can’t let myself hate her. There’s this part of me so dark and apathetic that I can easily succumb to it. I doubt I’m alone when it comes to that regard. But fortunately, I’m still able to see the good in others no matter what. Yeah it’s beautiful but at the same time, that’s the reason I keep certain people in my life longer than I should. My compassion tends to have terrible repercussions. I believe the people who are truly struggling like me, the friendless, the pennyless, the lonely, are the most strongest people. We face unbelievable odds, got dealt horrible cards from the get-go, and hope still remains even though hardship never ceases to pile on. But it will cease. I honestly believe things will get better for me and people like me. Inner beauty will prevail against all odds in the end. My mother, my ex, and anyone who has done me and countless other people wrong will get what’s coming to them. That is the hope I have for my inevitable salvation and the faith I have in God. Being a Christian is all about coming to terms with the less fortunate to realize that life is hard. Perhaps the more hardship one can endure, the more bountiful the prize is at the end of the road. People may think I’m cold or heartless, but only while I’m blogging can I truly express my benevolent soul. It’s easier to be evil than it is to be good like it’s easier to make a mess than it is to clean it up. Whenever I’m nice to people, they take advantage of that. My mother used to say that when you offer someone a hand, they’ll take your whole arm. To be honest, I think a small part of my mother still lives within me. But overall, life is hard sometimes and there’s no need to judge people. No one had a right to classify anyone  no matter what. So be yourself and don’t feel ashamed if you have to save cans and bottles for five cents each or go to a soup kitchen to get yourself through the rest of the month. If you are truly a beautiful person, then you have nothing to fear in the grand scheme of things. I love you all, my fallen angels! Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

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Tell Me What It’s Like

You were a mother,
Overwhelmed by the power,
Of her son,
And his father,
Spent your years,
Protecting him,
From all your fears,
Even when your light grew dim,
Loving him so…
Raising him so…
You thought that he would be grateful,
Now he’s grown up,
You kicked him out the door,
And out of your life,
Nine months in your womb,
18 years under your roof,
Surpassed all the gloom,
Violence and abuse spelled out “doom,”
Oh tell me what it’s like,
To abandon him so quickly,
I know parenthood ain’t easy,
When you’re playing both roles,

Ever since his father,
Walked out on you all,
You raised him,
To hate him,
You been with other guys since then,
These other guys you easily let in,
A home full of minors,
Abused like hitchhikers,
Don’t you care at all?
I reached out to you,
But I have matured and forgave,
You choose to remain the same,
Oh tell me what it’s like,
To not know where your last born is,
Does he ever cross your mind?
A mistake you wish you aborted,

I’m doing fine,
I’m doing just fine,
If you haven’t guessed by now,
I am your son,
You thought I was mentally challenged,
But the only challenge I faced was you,
You never bothered to get to know me,
But I don’t have to worry,
Cus worry is the misuse of imagination,
I will not sign that proclamation,

Growing old is mandatory,
Growing up is optional,
I trek through the harder left,
You breeze through the easy right,
Never to coincide,
Never to intersect,
Parallel lines,
All lead to the unknown,
I will walk this path to the orient,
You will stay astray reliant,
On self-mutilation,
Lonely scars you always reopen,

I can never let you in,
It’s neither here nor there,
A condescending grin,
For I no longer care

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“I Forgive You, Mother”

It seems like forever,
Last I spoke to you, mother,
The past is over,
Bridge above the water,
Let’s turn the page,
Let’s kill the rage,
Alleviate the sacrilege,
Seek salvation within,
We all have garnished souls,
Facing our demons,
Stepping on hot coals,
Senseless resurrection,
Of the unknown,
The merge between Heaven & Hell,
Occurs in our daily lives,
It’s so easy being angry,
So hard to forgive,
It took massive heartbreak,
Surviving suicide after suicide,
The realization that no one can replace you,
It all starts and ends with you,
Mother,
Oh Mother,
Now I understand,
I was a child so naive,
You were a mother so hard to please,
I’m still gay,
But somehow I still found God,
Everyday feels disconnected,
Without you I’m a broken man,
Without me you’ll always be wondering,
“How are you, son?”
“Where have you been, son?”
“Do you forgive me, son?”
I’ll reply,
“I’m lost without you, mother,”
“Living alone barely making ends meet, mother,”
“I forgive you, mother.”

So let’s start over.

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Over and over again

I repented for my sins,
I know where I have been,
Dont throw them in my face,
I know I was a disgrace,

You may have forgiven me,
You may see it as no big deal,
But to me it replays in my mind,
Over and over again

Over and over and over again,
Over and over again,
Over and over and over again,
Over and over again,
You may not be angry at me right now,
But sometimes i know you are,
Over and over and over again,
Over and over again,

The past is such a burden,
I carry it wherever I go,
My back aches and trembles,
I cannot deny it anymore,

I know that I made,
A lot of stupid mistakes,
Defended the wrong people,
Antagonized my fate,

Over and over and over again,
Over and over again,
Over and over and over again,
Over and over again,
You may not be angry at me right now,
But sometimes i know you are,
Over and over and over again,
Over and over again

Penance through a dream

Several weeks ago, I had a dream about my ex. Don’t worry, I am not leading you through a detailed naughty, sexual anecdote. But rather that of a virtuous, vivid dream that helped me repent with a former flame. It started with a petty argument that resembled one of our many real-life feuds. Then he stops and he looks at me with those serious yet sympathetic eyes of his and says, “I miss taking care of you, I miss buying you things.” Fighting back tears, I reply, “I am not a child anymore. I am grown now. Treat me as an equal.” He closes in on me and says, “That’s ridiculous.” In the dream, mind you, I am going through the depression that accompanies a broken heart. Friends are slowly disappearing, bummed out by my helpless agony. I begin to heal at a very lucrative pace. The next scene shows me finally starting to get my life back on track. I have a job and I am interacting with a customer when my ex comes in post haste with a gun and starts shooting up the place. A co-worker ushers me towards a safe haven behind a dense collection of aisles. He eventually runs into me, as if he didn’t know that I would be there that day. It was that split second of hesitation that allows the cops a chance to bring him down. He looks at me as he lays dying with those sympathetic eyes of his and utters his last words, “will I become an angel?” I crawl beside his potential cadaver and hold his trembling hands. I nod in response to his interrogative. The only response I ever had that was true. I woke up in tears before my sister-in-law comes down the staircase to give me a heartwarming hug. I forgive him. That was the melancholy part of this story for I never thought I could forgive an ex without expecting anything in return. Have a wonderful day, my fallen angels. Penance is freedom. Over and out.