Leviathan

Are you here?
Do you see me
As I lay wading in the water?
I heard you could feel as I do.
I heard you’re here all the time.
Can you stay
until the shadows subside?
Please don’t give up on me!
It’s okay if you’re busy, I’m only human…
But you may be the only one who cares
Just enough to rescue me.

Is it so difficult to reach out?
Why won’t you just take me away?
Perhaps it’s not my time to go,
To be pulled up towards the sky, I sway.

Will your kingdom freeze over
If you allow yourself to fall apart as I do?
If you’re lonely up there all by yourself,
Like I have been my whole life,
Maybe I can save you too?

How can you be so powerful?
Why won’t you let the emptiness cave in?
Your mind is made up.
Your love, a complete mystery, it has been.

Or do you cry with me
As I try to end something that’s not yet finished?
Skipping pages,
skimmed but not yet read?
Paper cuts but not yet red...

Mania II

Mania I

Take me back! I’ll literally crawl to you! I need you! I’m half-alive without you! After all this time, I still love you! I don’t want anyone else! Any other man I would end up with will always be second best to you! It felt like kisses when you abused me! Hit me! Yell at me! Take all your frustrations and pent-up rage out on me! Please! I beg of you! Love me again! Want me the way you did when you first saw me! Make me your bitch! Anything… just be here with me tonight! I don’t have a support system. I don’t have close family or friends. I’ve been unloved for so long. Neglected and abused. My life is hell! Sometimes I think God hates me. Did I do something nefarious and unforgivable in a past life? Am I the reincarnation of Job? What’s wrong with me? My love, only you can cure me of this madness with your own brand of madness that only you can bestow upon me! My heart, my soul, my body, my mind, my belongings are all yours! I’m on my knees for your bittersweet fellatio, my holy communion. My religion is you, my handsome devil. My love…

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Silly Girl!

Day 13 of Blogging101 https://dailypost.wordpress.com/photo-challenges/eye-spy/

 

Silly girl!
Oh, Silly girl!
How did it feel to leave behind your past life?

Silly girl!
Oh, Silly girl!
Is there anywhere else you would rather be?

Silly girl!
Oh, Silly girl!
What’s it like when I let you stay home alone?

Silly girl!
Oh, Silly girl!
Do you enjoy remaining indoors each day?

Silly girl!
Oh, Silly girl!
What do you think about when I am asleep?

Silly girl!
Oh, Silly girl!
Is it true your old master treated you bad?

Silly girl!
Oh, Silly girl!
Do you ever wonder where your children are?

Silly girl!
Oh, Silly girl!
Did someone ever care as much as I do?

Silly girl!
Oh, Silly girl!
How did you find the courage to love again?

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Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

Truth Serum

When I was 6,

I wished I was a newborn,

When all I worried about was eating, sleeping,

And excreting waste,

 

When I was 10,

I wished I was 6,

When all I was afraid of was going to grade school for the first time

And missing my mom until I returned home,

 

When I was 14,

I wished I was 10,

When all I thought about were the terrifying times I spent alone with my stepdad

And missing my mom until she returned home,

 

When I was 18,

I wished I was 14,

When all I reminisced about was how I secretly enjoyed being abused like a masochist

And missing the only sexual escapade I had throughout my school years,

 

When I was 21,

I wished I was 18,

When I was forced to be exiled because my mom thought my dad’s replacement made me gay

And hoping there was more to life than this,

 

When I am 30,

I will wish I was 21,

When all I can recall will be how my ex-fiance severely broke my heart

And how he wonderfully psychologically tormented me,

 

When I am 39,

I will wish I was 30,

When I’ll realize that I am the same age as when my first love left in peace

And left me in pieces,

 

When I am 50,

I will wish I was 39,

When I can remember fondly how agile and resilient I once was

And wondering how I didn’t kill myself a lot sooner

 

When I am 69,

I will not look back anymore,

For dementia will consume my mind’s occupancy leaving behind the fact that my age will be one of my favorite sexual positions

And in total relief that I will die any day now

 

 

 

 

*Make sure to take advantage of the eBook sale going on now! From now* until December 26th at 8:00PM, you can buy The Pandemonium Chronicles for only $0.99! (usually $2.99)

http://www.amazon.com/Pandemonium-Chronicles-Merge-between-Heaven-ebook/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=sr_1_1_twi_kin_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1450883498&sr=8-1&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

This sale is to celebrate the release of my new book, Trials and Tribulations!

http://www.amazon.com/Trials-Tribulations-Sufian-ebook/dp/B018ZR0IVA/ref=sr_1_43?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1450883658&sr=1-43&keywords=Trials+and+Tribulations

Life in Pink

Unrushed presence Swaying trees holding close to the wind
Comfortable satire Undulating canopy held tight
Effortless expression Crashing waves like magic spells cast
Soft kisses Clouds nullify blinding sunlight
Vulnerable emotions Prey scurry in caution hands pressed to heart
Trembling hands Unsure of the trusting scenery inside a world apart
Assuring smile The lion turns the other cheek
Safe haven The lamb knows it should leave
Longing glance Both creatures stare in a trance
Balanced interdependence Equals apart from the food chain
Butterflies undead Fear melts away onto the grassy meadow
Passion ensues Running towards each other eagerly
Caring words growls and groans are exchanged
Selfless deeds A world of roses plucked to flatter
Unconditional love angels singing from above a hopeless place
Beautiful touch Paws rest on black wool of the outcast’s heart
Divine anticipation Small hooves brush onto the mane’s soul
Elegant solution Similarities and differences aren’t destined to clash
Romantic act Life will always be wandering the fields
Everlasting covenant Forgetting fear’s daunting existence

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Always end with a kiss

Shadows spill on the walls made to defend,

For loneliness is not worthless,

Enduring the crevices for hardship’s a godsend,

Failure doesn’t exist but the interior is still a mess,

Depleting all black sludge from the alcove,

No use crying over spilled milk,

Gratitude and puissance dove,

From Elysium meander down like silk,

The king nidificates his crown atop his head,

Belgian nuns misplace their two eyes to appreciate the third,

Minstrels convivially express themselves through song,

Lovers hold on to anything and everything,

A pharaoh treats their body as the temple they govern,

Belly dancers convey concupiscence to earn a living,

Mankind rely on belief that God will give just enough to handle,

Rooted to the floor while the darkness imitates,

If one can convince themself to be hopeless,

Surely the coin’s benign side can be just as persistent,

Cast forth Roy G. Biv a halo of color hovering above,

Spiraling and emanating before the makeshift tree,

Entangled sacrilege encased underneath a rainbow fleece,

Morph into any way the light decides to reflect,

Texture of choice for the cloaked figure in the distance can’t see,

Just a sphere of white mist translucent yet not duplicated,

For evil is subjective both fire and sunlight are illuminescent,

Yet opposing forces each attract only their own respective brethren,

All good stories are concluded wars and well-deserved peace

Accept Death’s gentle release,

A passionate kiss shared between two beneficial friends

Spread my ashes here

Where I met my first love,
Where I escaped from a broken home,
When my existence was sad and forlorn,
Where I knew my life was changed forever,
West Hartford Center,

Who I was before,
A scared and angry adolescent,
Who I am now,
A resilient and positive mister,
West Hartford Center,

Why did I ever leave,
Why did I have to move away,
Why did I have to grow up and pay bills,
Why does everything I touch wither,
West Hartford Center,

When I began to fathom love’s embrace,
When I experienced my first official heart break,
When I became one of those adults guarded from all emotion,
When life shoved it’s dick further,
West Hartford Center,

What do I do now in this crowded yet lonely world,
What new kind of beautiful lies will provoke my repressed desire,
What will be the title of the next chapter of my life,
What place can awaken the story that prevented anyone to enter,
West Hartford Center, 

How is someone like me pure of heart yet misfortunate,
How can bad things still happen to good people,
How will this place revive me when hope had just been born,
How can a man darken my state of mind as I placed him on an alter,
West Hartford Center

It was here where he came up to me,
Asked me if I’d rather stay with him or go home,
I can’t think of a better place to spread my ashes than here,
Just to do it all again and board the emotional roller coaster,
West Hartford Center

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

MORE notes scribbled in haste

Part two of Notes scribbled in haste

My assigned therapist at the ER said I’m beyond repair,
To take these pills to null the pain of my problematic mind,
The seizure’s effects wore off after I gave up fighting off nurses,
I was afraid of needles at the time and an IV fell into that category,
So a note was written in the shrink’s notepad,
“Psych Evaluation diagnosis: patient must be admitted to the hospital for psychiatric treatment until further notice.”
I just left the week before and now I have to go right back to the psych ward,
When they brought me in on the stretcher to the day room,
The other patients looked up for a moment before they realized I wasn’t anything special,
But it was different this time around,
I wasn’t afraid enough to cower in my room anymore,
I stepped off the platform and sat right down next to the others,
A note was scribbled in haste on the whiteboard:
“Name: Sufian, Gender: Male,
room #: 23, Assigned therapist: Laura.”
So I guess it wasn’t total indiscretion,
Confidentiality prevented the staff members from writing more on the board,
Like why I was admitted this time,
Seizure due to drug overdose,
Failed suicide attempt chickened out at the last moment,
I was just gonna try again once I was released but where was I gonna live?
I scared my grandma half to death,
I remember pulling the emergency cord when I lost complete control of my body’s movement,
She came busting in and wondered what was happening,
I told her to call 9-1-1 but she didn’t know what I was saying,
Nieve-uno-uno, Nieve-uno-uno!
That she understood,
the ambulance came soon after but I was too heavy to lift onto the stretcher,
You’re a big boy. You gotta get on this stretcher yourself.
The woman told me but I just struggled to say I was seizing,
I brought myself back to the present but it was easier to stay in the past,
No one loved me anymore in the present,
A staff handed everyone an itinerary for the day:
“9-10am: group therapy
10:11am: relaxation group
11:12noon: recreational activities
12-12:30pm: Lunch
12:30-2pm: staff transition ALL PATIENTS MUST STAY IN THEIR ROOMS…”
To this day I’m against group therapy cus I prefer one-to-one,
The other patients don’t need to know my business,
For what? So they can use it against me somehow?
The two hour window from noon to two was the only thing I looked forward to now,
Relaxation group introduced guided meditation,
But I wasn’t ready for that quite yet,
My thoughts were racing and I was worrying about where I was going to live,
Perhaps it would be easier to go in and out of psych wards for the remainder of my life,
I eventually met my assigned therapist and I told her everything,
I didn’t care about being vulnerable anymore,
She seemed like a reliable confidant,
But I was wrong,
Eventually during the second week I was there she gave up on me,
She said I frustrated her and therapy would never work for me,
Depression turned to anger,
Why the fuck did you waste my time then?!
I yelled at the top of my lungs,
After that I felt something inside me die forever,
All my sadness morphed into rage,
I began to flip out and get restrained everyday until one day I got visitors,
My current therapist I still have as I’m typing this post and the head of a transitional home met with me,
I agreed to become a part of DMHAS and to live at the transition home for I didn’t have any other choice,
A pleasant note from a roommate I met there is still in my possession:
“I’m so glad we’re friends. Everyone here is on their own journey. I find it easier to make friends in the system. Do you agree?”
Yes. I definitely agree.

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Tell Me What It’s Like

You were a mother,
Overwhelmed by the power,
Of her son,
And his father,
Spent your years,
Protecting him,
From all your fears,
Even when your light grew dim,
Loving him so…
Raising him so…
You thought that he would be grateful,
Now he’s grown up,
You kicked him out the door,
And out of your life,
Nine months in your womb,
18 years under your roof,
Surpassed all the gloom,
Violence and abuse spelled out “doom,”
Oh tell me what it’s like,
To abandon him so quickly,
I know parenthood ain’t easy,
When you’re playing both roles,

Ever since his father,
Walked out on you all,
You raised him,
To hate him,
You been with other guys since then,
These other guys you easily let in,
A home full of minors,
Abused like hitchhikers,
Don’t you care at all?
I reached out to you,
But I have matured and forgave,
You choose to remain the same,
Oh tell me what it’s like,
To not know where your last born is,
Does he ever cross your mind?
A mistake you wish you aborted,

I’m doing fine,
I’m doing just fine,
If you haven’t guessed by now,
I am your son,
You thought I was mentally challenged,
But the only challenge I faced was you,
You never bothered to get to know me,
But I don’t have to worry,
Cus worry is the misuse of imagination,
I will not sign that proclamation,

Growing old is mandatory,
Growing up is optional,
I trek through the harder left,
You breeze through the easy right,
Never to coincide,
Never to intersect,
Parallel lines,
All lead to the unknown,
I will walk this path to the orient,
You will stay astray reliant,
On self-mutilation,
Lonely scars you always reopen,

I can never let you in,
It’s neither here nor there,
A condescending grin,
For I no longer care

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! 🙂