Free Choice

Hello to my inconsistent fallen angels. I’m so sorry that I haven’t been blogging nearly as much as I used to. I have been in a rut for the longest. I have major depression and bipolar disorders. I’m sick of people saying that they’re just labels because if they were so, then they wouldn’t exist to begin with. I have serious issues and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I have nothing left to lose and I don’t feel like the world owes me anything. It is what it is. I’m refusing to take my meds. I’m a grown ass man so I can do that. No medication in the world can cure a broken heart or loneliness. I have to be patient and go through the motions. I have to resist this urge to quit everything in my life, such as college or this blog. I already quit my job and the GSA at my college so my resistance isn’t perfect but I have more important obligations I refuse to give up on. I found friends in the most unlikely places and I’m more blessed than I give myself credit for. However, I’m not afraid of death nor am I afraid of man. I’m only afraid of the things I can’t see. It’s those things that gives my life meaning and purpose. Things that require faith in order to establish within our own realities. Well I hope you understood my psychobabble. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

All The Right Places

Hello to my oddly optimistic fallen angels! I realized that if I expect people to treat me bad and go into a situation thinking that way, then only negative things will happen. Today, I tried a more positive approach. I was more social, I never mentioned any mental health jargon, and I engaged in rather normal conversations. I met new people as well as strengthened my existing friendships. I took initiative to start attending free guitar lessons that go on in my college. I haven’t touched my personal guitar in months. I took initiative to play video games with some other college students at the student lounge. I took initiative in contacting my friends through text and phone calls to plan to hang out in person just for the hell of it. I think the reason why I have felt alone for so long is that I never took the initiative. I always expected people to reach out to me, but it’s not realistic to wait for someone to read my mind. As a child, I was told to do certain things like chores or to go to grade school because I had to. But when I became an adult myself, I realized no one is gonna tell me to do my laundry or wake up to go to my morning courses. We can do anything we want as long as we don’t break the law. I can easily quit college, quit my job, delete all my social outlets, and just live off the state. I have done that in the past. But philosophically, seclusion is not a happy life. Some people are fairly decent if you look in the right places. Trust me, it is futile to resist the human urge to be social. Don’t be afraid to go outside and meet people! If money is an issue, there are plenty of free programs out there. If transportation is an issue, there are cheap ways to travel. The city bus or walking or making friends with people who have cars. Lol. There is a solution to any problem if you try hard enough. I hope you understand just how important human interaction truly is too. If you already know, then I’m proud of you. For the other lonely people like me, take initiative! Well, my fallen angels, have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

Celebrating The Life Of Sara

 

I was too afraid to speak up at your memorial so I wrote this for you:

I didn’t know you that well, Sara, but everyone’s stories helped me piece together an idea of who you were. So many people care about you. You were always out there meeting new people who automatically became friends with you. You taught me that being dark isn’t as powerful as being an angel. I wanna be just like you. Friendly. Loving. Positive. And everything else wonderful that made you who you were. I wish I got to know you better. I’m glad I got to find out as much as I could from the people’s lives you touched. I hate myself sometimes for joking about death and suicide. I’m sorry that my dark humor is the only thing keeping me from falling apart. I tend to overlook other people and assume that I’m the only one who hurts. I always wonder why not many people pay attention to me or why their faces never light up when I walk into a room. Now I understand it’s because I don’t put myself out there in the community like you did. You were amazing! You went to so many events to spread awareness and even spoke in front of politicians about mental health equality! You always smiled so I never thought you were going through so much that you would end your life the way you did. You once told me that you were fascinated with how I am. But now it’s easier to admit that I’m fascinated with how you were too. I can never be nearly as caring and kind to people like you used to be. I have been hurt by others so many times that I tend to put my earbuds on just to have an excuse not to hear them. I drown the world out with music. Now, I feel like all the emotions I have repressed for so long are spilling out like a tsunami. It’s unbearable. Why did you die and not me? I know if I continue to remain the same, I will continue to miss opportunities to know other aspiring people like you. I doubt my memorial service will be nearly as populated as yours were when I die someday. So one of my new goals in life is to positively affect so many lives that people will care enough to love me the way they loved you. You will be missed and it was a pleasure meeting you, my dear.

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Sara was even on TV making a difference in this world for the better.

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(From left to right: me, Lyne, Sara, and Caspian) At last year’s Toivo’s ProHealing Festival

 

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

To Each His Own

To each his own. At one point in American History, black people were considered 3/5 of a person, women were nothing without a man, and gay marriage wasn’t legal until recently. So what stops anything from becoming the norm? Nudists or polyanimous marriages or even a utopian society can become the norm someday. Whether we’re alive to witness it happen or not is completely irrelevant. I’m miserable, but who honestly gives a fuck?

Hello to my unique fallen angels! I am so miserable. For a long time, I thought my misery stemmed from my ex or my past family drama. However, I forgave all of them a while ago. I’m indifferent towards them. I don’t even care enough to hate them or hold grudges against them. I get it. I don’t really have any family left. My ex moved on from me. It’s fine, really. This misery I feel is something totally different. You see, I’m a very simple man. As long as I have a roof over my head, food, clothes, and an ambience of safety, I’m good. I don’t care about name brands or what people think about me. Everyone is dealing with their own internal struggles. I go to college, work, the gym, and church but I don’t feel like anything I do amounts to anything truly important. I don’t feel inadequate though. My IQ is in the 140s so that’s not bad at all. I’m starting to think maybe life is too easy. That the “luxurious things in life” are just extra. As long as I can pay my bills and have some money left over to try to cheer myself up, I’m okay. I’m so bored with my life. I have been putting myself out there more and maintaining friendships yet it’s only a fleeting happiness that merely comes and goes without my consent. I am so miserable that I’m becoming physically sick.

I tend to compare myself to Ernest Hemingway a lot. A very intelligent man who was so intelligent that he couldn’t find the means to feel understood and couldn’t connect with other people. He ending up dying by his own volition just like so many other brilliant minds. They say humans are social creatures. Human nature doesn’t exist. There are two sides of me constantly upset with one another. One is like “what’s the point of interacting with other people outside the realm of vested interest?” While the other half is like “people bring out the best in me so why don’t I surround myself with them as much as possible?” I tend to see it so black and white.

I actually got offered to do drag again for this Thursday coming up but I’m not as excited as when I started doing drag. Perhaps the feeling will come back when the moment comes and goes.

I don’t know. I don’t understand how I can make people care about me. I don’t get how anyone can have time for anyone else. We’re always working or busy doing something or sleeping so how does one form a meaningful connection with another person? Do I even care? I must if I’m asking. Life is dull and lonely. It may just be my personal experiences but I notice that no matter if someone has a lot of money or not, or if someone has a lot of friends or not, or even if someone is famous or not, everyone is suffering one way or another. There’s no need for jealousy. Maybe this human life is a mere preliminary of something far more greater. Heaven and Hell? Something else? I don’t know… who the hell does?

I live my life utilizing superlatives and generalizations to indulge in my self-loathing. I find myself being void of all emotion – the good and the bad. I don’t care enough to hate anyone and love is too hard to come by. I do honestly believe that I felt happiest when I was with my ex-fiance. I hope he’s okay. I hope my mom’s okay. Despite everything, I’m indifferent. It’s hard to explain the feeling I’m trying to convey right now in this post.

No two people can ever have the same human experience. Our five senses of exceptionally unique. I believe that is why everyone has a different favorite food or color or kind of music (etc.). Each person garners a completely unique human experience. So what does it matter if I try to express my feelings for anything? We only blog to vent or to promote while only interacting with other blogs to better our own blogs. Hedonism and selfishness at its finest. No one likes to admit that they primarily do things for their own vested interest.

Loneliness is a state of mind, not of matter. No matter how many other people I try to be around or parties I attend, it’s all the same. This chronic loneliness is becoming a medical condition. I don’t care. Sometimes I think to myself that if I was diagnosed with cancer today, I would be relieved. I don’t fear death. I have tried to kill myself over a dozen times in my life but obviously I’m not good at it. So I gave up on giving up. I’ll just go through the motions, the ebb and flow of life. Whatever happens happens. I don’t care.

Perhaps God doesn’t exist after all. What a horrible thing to say considering that I got baptized just a few months ago. I know things can always get worse regardless.

I don’t get why so many people judge each other on their sexual orientation or religion or race. Who gives a fuck?

Who says I have to be diagnosed with major depression? A doctor that never been through it themselves? What if I’m the messiah or if I’ll be the first person to answer life’s questions? Or what if I’m just another person living in this world until Death comes to take me somewhere better and new?

Whatever anything ever is, simply is. So thanks for lasting this long and have a wonderful day! Over and out.

So What’s New?

Good morning to my blessed fallen angels! It’s been a while since I last checked in. I have been so busy with studying for finals week before the semester is up. Also, I have been having a better holiday season than I thought I would. Most people would think my negativity is nothing good. However, I disagree. You see, I don’t put any expectations on anyone or anything. I assume the worst. It is this way of thinking that allows me to live a disappointment-free life. It’s either “I expected that to happen” or “Wow! I’m so surprised!” Anyway, it was because of my negativity that had me thinking that maybe I should try to be more positive for a change. This resulted in my Salvation mini-series comprising of five short entries. I got a lot of great feedback from it. I tend to get more likes and comments when I’m positive so I guess that’s another incentive for being a good boy. Lol. Hmm… what else? Oh yeah! Don’t think I forgot about posting about when I did drag several weeks ago. I have all the pictures in a draft already. Now I’m just waiting for the camera crew at my college to edit and submit the video for ComiQueens onto my college website so I can add it to my draft. Also, I’m still working with a fellow blogger to do a co-blog collaboration. However, I haven’t heard from him lately. I hope he’s doing okay. I have recently began to publish a book of poems and short stories that I actually merely copied and pasted straight from my blog. I call the poetry book, Trials and Tribulations (TaT). I submitted it as my second book on Kindle Direct Publishing and I will do the same for all the other online eBook distributions that I used to publish my first book, The Pandemonium Chronicles: The Merge Between Heaven and Hell. As well as eBook, I’m also getting it in printed format with a local printing company that’s partnered up with this organization I work for to promote it locally. I have been attending YasBiz events and planning to host classes with them myself to teach people how to make their own blogs. YasBiz is an organization where young entrepreneurs in my state can be given an opportunity to promote their creations and make a business out of them, whether it’s a writing career or a bakery or even an art studio. They provide funding and everything! There’s more to it than that but I don’t really want to get into that, to be honest. I actually went to the YasBiz end of the year celebration party last night. One of my good friends got an award because she published two books of poetry and she won the raffle at the end of the event. It was her big night and I am so proud of her for all her achievements. People like us had hard, traumatic pasts but I can only imagine how my friend felt last night. I want to have that same feeling. I can’t wait until I get an award for my writing. I can’t always be negative. If I let my mental health problems render me from pursuing my life goals, then my dreams will dry up like a raisin in the Sun. My mental health problems will always be a part of me but it is everything I have been through that have made me so resilient and stronger than I ever thought possible. Thank you so much, my fallen angels, for sticking by through thick and thin with me. I love you all so much and good luck on your own personal endeavors. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Let’s Be Negative Again: Nothing To Lose

Hello to my fallen angels! I love The Hunger Games series! Johanna Mason reminds me a lot of myself. Cute but crazy. My favorite quote by her from The Hunger Games: Catching Fire=

Katniss, Peeta, Finnick, and Beetee stare bewildered at Johanna for flipping out in the arena where President Snow can see.

Johanna: spoken softly “What? He can’t hurt me. There’s no one left that I love.

This quote really spoke to me. I lost my family, the one man I truly loved, and I grew apart from all my friends. There’s no one else in this world that I love. I have nothing to lose. I’m a force to be reckoned with. I’ve been homeless before and I’ll endure it again if i ever have to once more. I’ve been abused psychologically, physically, spiritually, verbally, sexually, and emotionally. I’m well aware that things in my life can ALWAYS get worse. There’s an animalistic side of me that currently lies dormant within myself but I can shake it awake at any given time. I don’t fear death because I have been suicidal the majority of my life. I can’t wait to meet the Grim Reaper but I guess it’s not my time to go yet. Apparently, God wants me to suffer a bit more before I perish. This is the worst time for me. Any other time of the year, I could easily repress my agony and use coping skills to distract myself from it. However, the holiday season constantly throws the concept of family and togetherness into my fucking face. Some family members I hardly know came across my venting on Facebook and decided to reach out to me for a pity party tomorrow. Oh boy! I can just picture myself sitting uncomfortably and awkwardly as everyone else socializes and embraces each other. Then an attractive man will come up to me feigning interest in my subtle existence until I’ll realize he’s my cousin. At this point, I’ll fuck one of my sexy cousins. This loneliness got me contemplating many things including incest. Lol. It’s not like he’ll knock me up with a retarded baby. Whatever. Fuck everything and fuck everyone too! You all can shove your turkeys and presents up your asses! Lmao. Happy Holidays, my fallen angels! Over and out. 🙂

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Drama Infestation

Good day to my anxious fallen angels! I thought I knew it all. Yet I also have this old proverb in mind: The wisest people can admit that they know nothing [compared to what they could know.] Being a loner is safe and calming. However, recently I have been challenging myself to be less introverted. So I joined PRIDE club at my college. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna bore you with the details of my ongoing obsession with a man I can’t have. They’re the most addicting kind of people. November 18th will be my first ever drag show. I will be a gothic queen named Seductress (seduce+mistress). The song I’m gonna do is Cool For The Summer by Demi Lovato. I gotta wax and do makeup. (Good thing I already bought my costume.) I have been practicing my dance routine in heels at my local park. Civilians pose a threat because anyone foreign of my knowledge is frightful to me. Anyway, I notice the other members of PRIDE club constantly talk shit about each other. Once someone leaves the room, the absent member becomes a target. No doubt they talk shit about me once I depart from their presence as well. That’s what I get for leaving my comfort zone for some fresh air. Perhaps fresh air doesn’t exist anymore, or ever did for that matter. So much drama occurs when people outside my mind come into view. I don’t trust them. But I’m not doing drag for them, I’m doing it for my own personal gain. I always wanted to try it. Joining PRIDE was a way to relinquish my curiosity and making friends was just an added yet far-fetched bonus. I know you all must be dying to see me in my alternative garb. I will definitely post pictures and maybe even videos of this spectacular event in my life when we cross that bridge together. My fallen angels, be careful but not too careful, or you will end up like me. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Update On The Co-Blog Collaboration

Hello to my hyped fallen angels! Last time I spoke of the co-blog collaboration experiment, I introduced the fact that me and Jason will be working together to create an ongoing dialogue about various topics starting from the LGBT Community and then branching off to unpredictable venues. The reason why we’re starting there is because we want to enact a civil, nonjudgmental discussion about it from a gay guy’s point of view (me) as well as a deeper understanding from a straight guy’s point of view (Jason). We were aiming to officially begin the infantile stages of the conversation yesterday or today. However, my friend has been under the weather lately. Even though his health is not 100% right now, he managed to write an update from his perspective. Check it out! Jason is a very determined person who lets nothing get in his way from doing what he wants to do. He’s very excited, hell, we both are! We both have an idea as to how the cross-blog will begin but we have no idea  where the chit-chat will lead. Until he fully recuperates, I will continue to post on my blog as frequently as I always do. He’s more into video game reviews and I’m more into poetry. So check out our first posts on the matter: My first Co-Blog Collaboration Teaser and Jason’s Exciting News! Until the next episode, I wish you all a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Hetero-crush

She shows shimmering shadows shrouding her shining eyes,
Piercing pondering peek I sneak perpetually perceived,
Beautiful brunette brutality reinvents bountiful brilliance,
Literary little lady lavishingly lessen the labels’ lament,
Creative cat creature cream of the crop cultivating captivation,
Truly tethered to tactical text transcribed tentatively,
Wonderful woman willingly wandering around my world,
Absolutely annointed with abstract antiquity aspiring apparatus,
Madam medley merely making me more and more muddled,
For finally finding a female friend fretting away my faggot finesse

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

“Sleigh”

My eyes see more when they are closed,

Memories emanate threats no longer posed,

I can listen better when my mouth is shut,

Born and raised from the cut,

I can feel better when our hands don’t touch,

Loveless intimacy doesn’t matter as much,

It doesn’t seem like people are people anymore,

Just living sex toys I can use then throw out the door,

I can breathe easier when I leave my comfort zone,

Can’t establish relationships only on the phone,

Confiding in friends I have feared to trust for so long,

And to swallow my pride will help me become strong,

Addiction is not just something you smoke or drink,

Eat or blow it could also be something you wouldn’t think,

Would cause such a catastrophic heartache,

Or physical acts of love you can effortlessly fake