All The Right Places

Hello to my oddly optimistic fallen angels! I realized that if I expect people to treat me bad and go into a situation thinking that way, then only negative things will happen. Today, I tried a more positive approach. I was more social, I never mentioned any mental health jargon, and I engaged in rather normal conversations. I met new people as well as strengthened my existing friendships. I took initiative to start attending free guitar lessons that go on in my college. I haven’t touched my personal guitar in months. I took initiative to play video games with some other college students at the student lounge. I took initiative in contacting my friends through text and phone calls to plan to hang out in person just for the hell of it. I think the reason why I have felt alone for so long is that I never took the initiative. I always expected people to reach out to me, but it’s not realistic to wait for someone to read my mind. As a child, I was told to do certain things like chores or to go to grade school because I had to. But when I became an adult myself, I realized no one is gonna tell me to do my laundry or wake up to go to my morning courses. We can do anything we want as long as we don’t break the law. I can easily quit college, quit my job, delete all my social outlets, and just live off the state. I have done that in the past. But philosophically, seclusion is not a happy life. Some people are fairly decent if you look in the right places. Trust me, it is futile to resist the human urge to be social. Don’t be afraid to go outside and meet people! If money is an issue, there are plenty of free programs out there. If transportation is an issue, there are cheap ways to travel. The city bus or walking or making friends with people who have cars. Lol. There is a solution to any problem if you try hard enough. I hope you understand just how important human interaction truly is too. If you already know, then I’m proud of you. For the other lonely people like me, take initiative! Well, my fallen angels, have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

Green Heart

“Don’t pity your peers,
You still have a lot to learn too,
Differed generations clash not blend,
Subtlety enamored in the crowd,
Usual escape for you haven’t shielded today,
Try walking somewhere other than main street,
Abandon the path most traveled by,
Explore the outskirts beyond your comfort zone,
Cast fear aside along with its proud mate,
Sustain compassion and love without its arrogant facade,
We’re all human subconsciously confiscating ourselves,
To please ambivalent people who seem to never stick around,
Shameless unconditional respect for your brethren,
High school never ends unless you initiate its demise,
Monogamy and polygamy are matters of opinion you suppose,
Wonder how your actions may harm someone in the crossfire,
Lived in the same place your whole life yet never trekked beyond the course of routine,
Turn off the music meandering through the bundled up wires,
Plugged into your ears to listen to the birds calling out for attention,
Say hello to the child you tend to misread,
Allow external forces to peek past your stubborn paranoia,
Seek refuge in the ones who stuck around through the precipitation,
Unlock your crown and the organ nested below,
The more you learn the more you realize how naive you really are,
Just another subject to trials and tribulations no exception,
You may want to absorb his pain just so he feels better,
But you are your own top priority, The weight of the world is not your burden to bare,”

My heart whispers to me during these chronic sleepless night,
But these lessons of life didn’t just materialize out of thin air,
They were written at its core beneath the depths of denial,
Etched onto make-believe stone unveiled,
Once the Sun bleeds onto the surface of the lake in bright hues,
Morphing into darker shades til the horizon exerts the cold hard truth

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading πŸ™‚

Tip of the Iceberg

Good morning to my mysterious fallen angels! How was your labor day weekend? So have you noticed my poetic prowess has been greatly improved since my blog was first established? I read my own “past endeavors” (archives) and even my own writing gives me goosebumps. I noticed one of my older poems, Triskelion, still gets checked out at least once everyday by some of my unknown fallen angels since it was originally posted back in the beginning of this Summer. My personal favorite poems are Kamikaze Burlesque and Loneliness and guilty pleasures. I felt confident enough to explore my sexuality with you all in my poems after experimenting with these two specific posts to see how you would react. A lot of likes but a very few comments on either of them. To be expected. Ha! Some of my newer additions to my collection; The Scarlet Harlot and Unquenched Desire; display my more vulnerable takes on love. You’re probably wondering why this post reminds you of those flashback shows in certain tv series where all they do is show clips of past episodes, huh? Well, I wanted to enforce my explanation of how I view myself. A paranoid yet lonely sociopath who just wants to be left alone. Well that’s not entirely true, to be honest. I just want to be loved. Now is that so bad? Clique… But I feel like no matter how many poems, random reviews, or check-ins I post, it will always be the tip of the iceberg! I have no doubt many other bloggers feel the same way. Like I can never fully pour my heart and soul into the depths of my blog 100%. Maybe I’m just naturally mysterious. Perhaps if I spoke in clear English rather than through prose, I can make you see who I really am. Yeah, cus I’m wrong like that… Perhaps I should get out my house more… Society is more inclined to the likes of Facebook posts rather than blog posts. It seems like people would rather video record me trip or cuss someone out than for me to confuse them with my philosophical mind. Not many people want to read intellectual works of literature anymore. A lot of people I come across in public don’t wanna know how I’m doing or become my friend. I notice the only times humans interact with me are when they need something. Sex. Labor. Laughter. Money. [As stated in leave me alone I’m lonely] One or a combination of those four things. No one ever wants to know how I’m doing even if I ask them first. You can never know someone 100%. The belief that you can is faulty. We are all subject to vested interest. We are all alone in our own minds.

So back to the topic at hand, I take pride that my writing is getting better even though my social life isn’t. Luckily, I can say in all honesty that I love you all, my fallen angels! I had made friends with some of you and I have never been more real than I have been with you. Thank you so much for taking interest in my blog! I’m never gonna stop. I’m gonna keep it coming. So stay tuned for more posts in the future! Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading πŸ™‚

Infinite Limitation

Better to live life a blissful human,
Than a lonely vampire left in ruin,

My mortal life is a wrinkle in time,
An anamorphic leviathan easily slain,

The woman stood before me,
So cold was her gaze,

Fear took hold of my psyche,
No more than a bug under her power,

But there is one thing we have in common,
Depression and sorrow drowns Sunday’s sermon,

She can end my life in the blink of an eye,
But who will put her out of her misery?

It was wrong for her to look down on the lamb,
A shepherd she became involuntarily,

I bit and never cooperated,
But she should have been patient regardless,

My wool as soft as the meadow dew,
Below and in between her toes,

Easily she walked away,
And left me to fend for myself,

Faith allows the mustard seed,
To grow into everlasting glory,

She gave up but I no longer need her,
Yet love is a must and I must indulge,

Pride insists itself on me,
For I can die while she lives unhappy

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! πŸ™‚

Loneliness and guilty pleasures

Brimstone and shadow shrouds my soul,
Makes me unapproachable,
Suffocating the light within,
With selfish acts of sin,
I know that it’s wrong to comply,
With the darkness deep inside,
The faithless and spiritually blind,
Cannot see nor fathom my kind,
Fallen angels guarding what consumes us,
Memories resonate of an incubus,
Fear and intrigue morphed into love,
Red flags ignored warnings from above,
Events occur way beyond my maturity level,
Inevitable death fabricated damsel,
Screaming out distorted love songs,
Sirens casting out lectures amongst,
The loneliness can replace the devil beneath the sheets,
Guilty pleasures in the form of love stains meets,
Underneath a canopy of infatuation,
Submerged further into oblivious condemnation,
Rock bottom is my summer resort,
Acrobatics convey with their bodies contort,
Lethargy and hopelessness is a comfortable satire,
To wear to the ball before clock strikes midnight’s dire,
Unveiling of the truth behind the mask,
Questions I was too afraid to ask,
Answers that can kill me instantly,
Better to live loved faintly,
Lies and bittersweet fellatios,
And meaningless exchanges of promises forms ratios,
Truth slays my heart forever more,
Need time to self-reflect escape the masquerade ball,
Seek salvation as I delve into the mystery,
My closed mind opened so I brace myself to feel life’s agony,
Holy retribution and holy water divine,
Baptism isn’t a cure-all nor is it a drawn line,
The bible shouldn’t be a bibliographical anomaly for zealots,
Eucharist is the coming of saints acknowledging their imperfections, Prayer is to submit and admit I’m nothing but a dot,
In life’s perpetual and everlasting discretion,
I’ll admit that i know nothing compared to what I could know,
If I knew life’s secrets I would lose my mind,
To live contempt and in the moment I’ll show,
God that I am worthy of being risen and not left behind

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! πŸ™‚

We all need help sometimes

Good evening to my hopeful fallen angels! It seems like even the best of us have our hard times. I was raised to judge people and to be close-minded. If you read any of my previous posts, you’ll know just how fucked up my childhood was because my mother raised me. I forgave her but there are still some things that seem to stick with me. She used to talk shit about homeless people or elderly people or even children. As a kid, I thought it was normal. I have been through so much since then. I now find myself going to soup kitchens whenever I run out of food stamps for the month. I look at the other people socializing in the basement of my church and I can’t ever imagine myself saying anything bad about them. The poor aren’t hopeless. They aren’t stupid. They are hopeful. They are resourceful. Some rich people are evil and some are loving. Same with the less wealthy. Financial status is not a corelation to how good a person is. My mother was the evil one. However I can’t let myself hate her. There’s this part of me so dark and apathetic that I can easily succumb to it. I doubt I’m alone when it comes to that regard. But fortunately, I’m still able to see the good in others no matter what. Yeah it’s beautiful but at the same time, that’s the reason I keep certain people in my life longer than I should. My compassion tends to have terrible repercussions. I believe the people who are truly struggling like me, the friendless, the pennyless, the lonely, are the most strongest people. We face unbelievable odds, got dealt horrible cards from the get-go, and hope still remains even though hardship never ceases to pile on. But it will cease. I honestly believe things will get better for me and people like me. Inner beauty will prevail against all odds in the end. My mother, my ex, and anyone who has done me and countless other people wrong will get what’s coming to them. That is the hope I have for my inevitable salvation and the faith I have in God. Being a Christian is all about coming to terms with the less fortunate to realize that life is hard. Perhaps the more hardship one can endure, the more bountiful the prize is at the end of the road. People may think I’m cold or heartless, but only while I’m blogging can I truly express my benevolent soul. It’s easier to be evil than it is to be good like it’s easier to make a mess than it is to clean it up. Whenever I’m nice to people, they take advantage of that. My mother used to say that when you offer someone a hand, they’ll take your whole arm. To be honest, I think a small part of my mother still lives within me. But overall, life is hard sometimes and there’s no need to judge people. No one had a right to classify anyoneΒ  no matter what. So be yourself and don’t feel ashamed if you have to save cans and bottles for five cents each or go to a soup kitchen to get yourself through the rest of the month. If you are truly a beautiful person, then you have nothing to fear in the grand scheme of things. I love you all, my fallen angels! Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! πŸ™‚

“I Forgive You, Mother”

It seems like forever,
Last I spoke to you, mother,
The past is over,
Bridge above the water,
Let’s turn the page,
Let’s kill the rage,
Alleviate the sacrilege,
Seek salvation within,
We all have garnished souls,
Facing our demons,
Stepping on hot coals,
Senseless resurrection,
Of the unknown,
The merge between Heaven & Hell,
Occurs in our daily lives,
It’s so easy being angry,
So hard to forgive,
It took massive heartbreak,
Surviving suicide after suicide,
The realization that no one can replace you,
It all starts and ends with you,
Mother,
Oh Mother,
Now I understand,
I was a child so naive,
You were a mother so hard to please,
I’m still gay,
But somehow I still found God,
Everyday feels disconnected,
Without you I’m a broken man,
Without me you’ll always be wondering,
“How are you, son?”
“Where have you been, son?”
“Do you forgive me, son?”
I’ll reply,
“I’m lost without you, mother,”
“Living alone barely making ends meet, mother,”
“I forgive you, mother.”

So let’s start over.

image

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Rise from the ashes

Hello, my fallen angels! How is your week going? Anyway, I took the courageous act of asking for forgiveness from the ones I treated poorly. They could have really threw it in my face but they forgave me. Now I have a family again. My brother, his fiance, my niece, and his in-laws are the only family I have left. Besides that, I have reestablished my friendship with a long-time friend. I only have that one true friend that isn’t a family member. I used to think I was like Batman, that I preferred to work alone. But then I realized that even Batman wasn’t alone. Alfred Pennyworth was his true friend. And even before Bruce Wayne joined the justice league, he had Commissioner Gordon, Robin, and Batgirl. Now I see that I am stronger with true family and friends on my side. Now I see that I am naive, that I do not know as much about life as I could. But then again, who does? I once heard that the wisest people can admit that they know nothing. Confucius, perhaps? In retrospect, I am fortunate to have strong ties with a few real people than many fake people or no one at all. Having fake friends or having none at all is the same thing. So don’t be afraid to create close bonds or to admit that you can’t live life alone. It’s okay to be vulnerable and dependent on others at times. Just rely on your intuition and always be cautious.

The Black Sheep

I almost had a mental breakdown today in the realization that the only person I wanted to love me back simply doesn’t. I have done a lot of bad things and experienced abuse beyond most peoples’ understanding but the only thing I truly regret is pleading and begging for someone to love me when I shouldn’t ever have to try that hard. It is normal to cling on the hope that your first love will be your only, that it should always be comfortable and fun with the same person even as years pile on, but it’s unusual for this desire to become any more than just a fantasy. The ambiance after the final act of intimacy shouldn’t be cold and awkward and uncomfortable. But it was. He didn’t have to say he didn’t love me anymore because the spiritual atmosphere told me all I need to know. I’m always the black sheep. I’m always the one person who never gets what he wants. Like Job from The Bible. My mother never accepted me of my sexuality but I tried so hard to win her approval. She was my mom. I shouldn’t have had to try so hard to please her. She should have just loved me regardless of my sexual orientation. My mother broke my heart. Now so did my first love. I have no family, very few friends, and single. But I will be okay. I’m in college to major in Liberal Arts. I could make one very great actor. I could be the next Johnny Depp; portray various roles of different personalities. It is because of trauma and heartbreak that I can recall memories that can make me cry on cue or get me angry or even happy if I think hard enough. I am okay. It will be the horrible aspects of my life that will inevitably fuel an acting career. Ironic, isn’t it? If you feel alone or lost or half-alive, then you must know that it is okay. Find yourself, discover what you are good at, discover what makes you truly happy, and make it your career. Don’t be afraid to leave your comfort zone. We have unlimited potential. We are infinite.