Shrouded Guilt

If you have ghosts

you have everything

You can say anything you want

You can do anything you always wanted to

but most never do that

You can call it a surprise

a change to your demise

Claim it’s not a part of you


Only in the night you are real

Ghosts shimmer down your wandering mind

An ethereal wind forever blows

down these barren lands of ice

feeding on your shrouded guilt

like a parasite falling for its host

For the truth of the matter is

I will never let you go

Redemption

Is life supposed to stop because I did something horrible? Well, here’s the real horrible truth. No matter what I do or how bad I feel about it, life just goes on. Life doesn’t give a fuck that I’m sorry or upset or deranged or tormented. Life just goes on, and I got to go on with it, or sit in the middle of the road and feel sorry for myself. And I don’t see myself doing that. I’m not evil. Everything that I have done… and my faith was still pure. When I spoke words of prayer, they were just as real to me as when I memorized them in church all those years ago when I still exuded a clandestine innocence. The words still moved me. I never doubted God. I doubted myself. But maybe God was a more generous God than I allowed Him to be. I faced the demon with my faith and prayer. Does that mean God has forgiven me of my sins? I don’t know. If He has truly forgiven me, then He’s more magnanimous than I’ll ever be.

Second Best

Hello to my courageous fallen angels! Lately I’ve been talking to a new romantic interest for the first time in two years (apart from my married friend with benefits and that guy from PRIDE club who led me on the whole time just to tell me he already had a boyfriend), but this time, it finally seems to be mutual.

If you have been following me for a while, you’ll know that I was once engaged to my ex-fiance. I proposed to a man twice my age because I really loved him, but our relationship was shaky from the start. He was living with an ex of his when we first met. He was condescending and controlling. He was so handsome and charming.  Only God knows what The Narcissist did behind my back. It terrified me how much I cared for him. I gave up my beliefs, my morals, and my dreams when I fell in love with him. I always told myself that if things didn’t work out with him, I would forever be condemned to settle for second best. Perhaps I jinxed myself when I placed him on a metaphorical pedestal. After all this time, thoughts of him still plague my mind at night, and tearing at my insides like a savage hunger. I look back and I realize that there were so many red flags that I refused to see. I had to let him go. He had total power over me, but enough was enough. The hardest thing I ever did was walk away from a man that I’m still, to this day, madly in love with.

Now with this new guy, I feel awful for even thinking that he’ll never compare to my ex-fiance. That I’ll never love him or anyone else, for that matter, ever again. But I need to give him a chance. He doesn’t have to compare to my ex, but he can be a different, more healthy romance.

I have been on my own for so long though. I have forgotten what love and desire even feels like in this chronic loneliness. I feel so dead inside. Like I’m just half-alive, going through the subtle waves of life until my inevitable and anticipated demise.

I was disowned by my family on my 18th birthday. But even before that, I had a feeling my mother stopped caring about me once I came out at 14 because she was a devout muslim and homosexuality was the devil to her. She probably planned my abandonment for the following four years. I was homeless, then I lived in a halfway house, and now I have my own apartment. For the first time, I’m paying bills, attending college as a full-time student, and looking for a new job. So technically, I don’t really need anyone. It’s just that there are so many lonely nights and all the one night stands I lost count of from those gay hookups apps are never enough. Artificial love isn’t as good as the real thing.

At this point, being in a relationship will result in me being either too clingy or too guarded. Honestly, I’d rather be too guarded if those were my only two options. I would like to at least keep my pride intact if nothing else.

It takes courage to open yourself up to someone after a heartbreak that you can very well never fully get over. But I can’t live like this anymore. If I find out he’s not as good a person as I’d like him to be, then I don’t have to put up with any shit from him or anyone else. I see more clearly now. Blindness and love are no longer synonymous terms. I love myself more than anyone else ever will. I am the only constant variable in my life. Everyone else tends to fade away after a while. I can’t get attached again… I just can’t….

What is a healthy relationship? I don’t know but maybe I’ll find out someday. If it’s not him, it’s someone else, right? See? I’m such a pessimist. I’m already planning on what to do if things go wrong with this new guy.

Well, wish me luck, my fallen angels! Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian