The Talk: A Raw Truth

Conception:

When a man and a woman love each other very much…

When a man unconsensually forces himself on a woman…

When a woman is infertile and must resort to artificial insemination…

When a condom breaks and a white elephant looms over two people…

Tribulation:

The number one cause of death is birth…

Your parents cannot shield you from harm forever…

You must learn life lessons the hard way, alone…

Being too sheltered from the real world will make hardship unbearable when you finally do experience it…

Annihilation:

Your first love will destroy your heart in ways you couldn’t fathom prior…

Yet it’s so worth it for it truly is better to have loved and lost than to not…

You grow stronger, wiser, and more resilient from losses rather than victories…

So good luck on your personal endeavors and have a wonderful day, my fallen angels…

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Prior To The Holy Rite

Cool wind sways
Through an opportunity,
Silence shrieks the truth,
A sigh melts my lips’ curvature,
Abrupt escape
From trauma’s precipice,
Safe return from a nightmare deferred,
Darkest before
The penultimate interim to Him

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Warmline Operator Bio

Before recovery, my life was…

hopeless, frustrating, and lonely. My family was very negative and constantly putting me down. Getting kicked out was a blessing in disguise.

My thoughts and feelings when I first started recovery were…

skeptical and pessimistic because people always told me that life will get better. I thought it was nonsense until I started believing in God and realizing that hardship is the only way to strengthen the soul.

What would you say is different about yourself now that you are in recovery, compared to how your life was before?

Positivity tends to come to me naturally now. I am a lot more self-aware and resilient as well. I have less people in my life these days, but at least I know now how to extract negative people from my social circle.

What are three ways that you maintain your recovery today?

a. Blogging

b. Physical Fitness

c. Keeping Busy (working out, attending college, going to church, etc.)

If you had the opportunity to tell another young person why they should seek recovery, what would you say?

Life is too short to be ashamed of your mental health problems. If you ignore them and leave them untreated, you will always be in misery. Life is not a video game either. You don’t have multiple lives. You only have one and it’s fragile and precious. We all have the ability to better ourselves and convert our trauma and hardship to our advantage.

I’ve survived worse

Abused in every possible way,
Isn’t life wonderful and great?
But I can still smile everyday,
There’s no need to hold grudges and hate,
Penance is free it’s never too late,
To let things go like Elsa taught us,
Losing faith in the idea of a soulmate,
I’ve survived worse no need to fuss,

Everyone thinks it’s easy to cope,
Because they can’t even begin to understand,
How hard it is to still have hope,
Just to get out of bed and to make a stand,
Everyone takes my arm whenever I offer a hand,
I would be a hypocrite but at least I wouldn’t be a wuss,
Now I am grown maybe I’ll start a band,
I’ve survived worse no need to fuss,

Trust issues and paranoia are my favorite trends,
So used to betrayal both betrayer and betrayed,
So who am I to be vengeful when I’m on the receiving ends?
Life is short and unfair cliches never astrayed,
Survival is success for rape won’t stop me from getting laid,
Never again will I have to step foot on a school bus,
Doesn’t matter anymore for people always tend to fade,
I’ve survived worse no need to fuss,

Now I deal with the repercussions of my past,
My legacy is everlasting self-reflection is a must,
Who will I let in next? Will they ever last?
I’ve survived worse no need to fuss

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

“I Forgive You, Mother”

It seems like forever,
Last I spoke to you, mother,
The past is over,
Bridge above the water,
Let’s turn the page,
Let’s kill the rage,
Alleviate the sacrilege,
Seek salvation within,
We all have garnished souls,
Facing our demons,
Stepping on hot coals,
Senseless resurrection,
Of the unknown,
The merge between Heaven & Hell,
Occurs in our daily lives,
It’s so easy being angry,
So hard to forgive,
It took massive heartbreak,
Surviving suicide after suicide,
The realization that no one can replace you,
It all starts and ends with you,
Mother,
Oh Mother,
Now I understand,
I was a child so naive,
You were a mother so hard to please,
I’m still gay,
But somehow I still found God,
Everyday feels disconnected,
Without you I’m a broken man,
Without me you’ll always be wondering,
“How are you, son?”
“Where have you been, son?”
“Do you forgive me, son?”
I’ll reply,
“I’m lost without you, mother,”
“Living alone barely making ends meet, mother,”
“I forgive you, mother.”

So let’s start over.

image

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“Life is unfair” and other clichés

Good afternoon to my knowledgeable fallen angels! Lately I’ve merely been writing poems but now we can get back to my warped views of the world. Okay so let’s begin. I hate when talentless people like Kim Kardashian or Honey Boo Boo can become rich and famous. However the most wise, powerful, and multi-talented people such as myself, must settle for living off paycheck to paycheck completely unknown by the world at large. Life is unfair. Typical catch phrase amongst the adolescent society. It’s funny how true that statement is though. I have to work my ass off just to make ends meet. It would be a miracle if I ever do become discovered. Resilience, integrity, and prodigal wisdom isn’t good enough? Ignorance is bliss is another cliché I like to use. Sometimes I wish I didn’t know the things I know about life because it’s just so damn disturbing! To unsee what I have seen. To undo what I have done and what others have done as well. Like the fact that a lot of things that happen in the world is out of my control. Virtually everything is. I want to help people but they never listen to my advice when they ask for it. Then don’t ask me for advice in the first place! That’s so frustrating! But I realize that some people come to me to just vent and not for me to tell them what to do. Helping others is a lot like parenthood. People usually learn the hard way and you gotta let them find things out for themselves. You gotta sit there and listen. Refrain yourself from speaking out your own opinion because it won’t matter anyway. You must love them, no matter how many times they screw up or yell at you or run away. I witness my family and friends suffer in their miserable lives. I hate to admit it, but everyone’s suffering, including me. We are all fallen angels for we are suffering yet we should all be there for each other. This is why I’m going to college to major in Psychology. I care about people and psychological help can inevitably prevent wars and chaos from incinerating the world. Others must be brave enough to ask for help and reach out for support. I acknowledge that we all have our trials and tribulations, that we are all fighting our own internal wars. I will do anything humanly possible to save as many people as I can from destroying themselves and each other, including myself. I don’t care how long I have to stay in college or how many degrees I must earn. I am adamant on saving this world to the best that my limited power can withstand. Yeah, life is unfair. But at the same time, I am very content with my life. I’m single with no kids, living alone, going to college, working out, and staying alive regardless of how much I wanna give up sometimes. I must work even harder to achieve my goals than stupid bitches who were born into wealth like Kim Kardashian. I started from the bottom and I’m sure as hell getting to the top. When I do earn my own fame and fortune, I will appreciate it and I will be grateful for it. I will earn my fame and fortune because I will work my ass off to get what I want. Nothing can stop me. Have a wonderful day from the Arcangel himself! Over and out.

Leave me alone, I’m lonely

Good evening to my fallen angels! My innate behavior towards other people is paradoxical. I tend to push away the people I truly care about yet I feel so alone and I, so desperately, want to connect with others. With friendships, I begin to notice how comfortable I feel around someone and I freak out. I find some excuse or faulty reason why we shouldn’t be friends anymore. Yet I only dreamed of having a group of friends like in the show, Friends. With romantic interests, once secrets and intimacy become overwhelming or more out in the open, I break up with them immediately before they have a chance to hurt me. Yet I have so much love to give and no one to give it to. With family, I had a traumatic past with anyone I once considered family so any replication of a new family gives me this urge to run away. How would I expect to have a social circle of family, friends, and a significant other when fear takes it toll on even the slightest sign of a connection with anyone else? For a while after I broke up with my ex-fiance, I began to use those apps like Grindr and Hornet just to see if I was desirable. Apparently I am. Guys would message me and say, “you’re so cute. Are you a top or a bottom?” I don’t know their name or even if they’re an escaped convict or something. The attention was a bit flattering for a time. It was a confidence booster. Until reality sets in and I realize these guys could be rapacious or murderous. So I delete the apps and co-exist with just myself for a while longer. At least I am attractive but looks aren’t everything. No one cares to delve deeper than my handsome, dark facade or my class-clown nature. People attempt to use me for many different reasons. Sex. Money. Laughter. Labor. I know two people who would love to be my roommate but I can’t even fathom ever accepting living with any other human being. Personalities will change in the flip of a coin. Secrets will be exposed when disagreements ensue. Material things are in jeopardy. Sometimes I could be so cold or mask my internal struggles with humor. I don’t have the luxury of falling into pieces like most people do. I have to be strong or I will die. It’s exhausting to forever be in survival mode, but it’s my life. I have goals, both short term and long. I work towards them every single day. I don’t accept weakness so I tend to strengthen every flaw I have. I don’t think anyone in my life is as strong as me so maybe that’s another reason I can’t get too close to anyone. I become annoyed and frustrated when people don’t listen to my wisdom or when they show any sign of weakness. Oh wells. Intelligence and resilience must have a cost. Have a wonderful day! Over and out. 

How Stress Affects My Memory

An example of a tough life includes antidepressants and lots and lots of therapy. It was the psych meds that really altered my mind in ways that both were beneficial and harmful to my overall psyche. Although my formally prescribed “crazy pills” helped me a lot to deal with my traumatic past, these same pills drastically affected my memory. Out of all the topics we have discussed in class, I relate best with chapter six’s Memory. People in my life notice when I’m under stress, I tend to forget a lot of what they tell me. Forgetfulness has been an issue for me so often that I am sometimes afraid it will impact my daily life for the worst. The good thing about antidepressants is that when they are taken as prescribed for a long period of time, bad memories tend to be harder to recall. The bad component about psych medication is that it makes it harder to remember things that people say or do that would otherwise be very important to look back on. Repressing negative memories is usually hard to do with the average person but I feel those meds were a blessing in disguise.

From 14 to 20 years old, I have been prescribed to take many kinds of pills that specialized in improving my psychological flaws. This selective memory, I like to call it, makes it easier for me to focus on being positive and moving on from the catastrophic anomalies that makes up the majority of my life. I see people all around me talking about the same topics in their miniscule lives that they spoke about years ago. I say let it go. Whatever may make someone angry can lead to tendencies to hold grudges or act violently. I guess it is easier for me to let things go because I usually forget what makes me upset to begin with. I speak for myself though. Resilience comes to me naturally. Living my life the way I do makes me think of a kind of correlation. The less I can remember, the easier it is to not sweat the small stuff and keep my eyes on the prize. By that standpoint, I guess it is safe to say memory plays a huge factor in the overall wellbeing of anyone. However, I acknowledge the fact that that correlation only applies to so many things. Having no memory at all would be terrible as well.

It’s wise to establish a happy medium within yourself. Another comparative statement comes to mind. The good is never easy, and the easy is never good. It’s great to be able to discard bad thoughts but it wasn’t easy to train my brain to acquire that ability. The same way it’s effortless to do something that you regret or to let your guard down by not being cautious, but it’s difficult to deal with the repercussions of unfortunate events. The other day, my brother tells me to pack the following night because he wants me to sleep over his house later on in the week. Sometimes words do go in one ear and out the other. I completely forget writing that down or packing ahead of time and then I end up saying, “Oh yeah! Sorry, I’m busy and I got a lot on my plate. I will get to it right away.” So I have my brother waiting for me outside my apartment in his car for the millionth time so that I could ransack everything I need for an overnight stay in under five minutes. It’s funny how often that happens. Understanding the difference between memories worth recalling and memories best left forgotten is one of the problems that I still work on to this day.

In retrospect, the concept of memory is very intriguing to me because I understand it in a personal level. Separating short-term and long-term memories as well as bad memories from the benign is a challenge to everybody, not just me. Antidepressants made my internal struggle with maintaining memory a bit easier to deal with. However, it also puts me in an unusual state of mind. I love who I have become regardless of how much I focus on training my brain. It’s rigorous and exhausting to attempt time and time again to remember things that would help me just as it is to push away the negativity and move forward in my life. I take it one day at a time. Hopefully one day, I will gain the mental discipline I need to repair my memory. I believe the key to life is to always work on improving yourself physically, mentally, spiritually, and psychologically.

My rage fuels me

Welcome, my fallen angels, to yet another update from The Arcangel himself. (I spell it without the “h” because that would make me look officially evil.) Today I’m pissed. After months and months of separation and after the emotional roller-coaster ride he put me through, my ex wants to get back together again. He says that he wants to start things from scratch. That he wants to revive the same feelings of when we first started dating. Relationships don’t work that way! You can’t just start over and make it new again. Just like you can’t perfectly piece together a broken mirror as if destruction was never left behind in its wake. My ex is insane if he thinks that after he negated me from my responsibilities, isolated me from the ones I truly love, and led me astray from God Himself – that I would just go right back to that devil’s chaos. He’s paranoid, miserable, and condescending. Every word he says reminds me of all his red-flag flaws of his. I’m done with him for good. I cannot allow any leftover romantic feelings to make me crawl back to him ever again! This is a rare situation in my life where I must let my rage fuel me and prevent me from ever thinking that our murdered love can ever rise from the dead. Everything has been said and done. This is exhausting. I’m just trying to live my life the best I can but my ex is my downfall. He will be the death of me if I continue to pursue him the way I had in the past. He bums me out whenever he’s near me. He’s like a poison that forms callouses in my veins that dilute my bloodstream to terminal toxins. I forbid myself from sleeping with the devil ever again. He wants to meet me in person today for a date. I agreed but little does he know that I am going to take control of my life once more. He is going to tremble in the face of my rude awakening. Oh wow! This feels so good to vent! Wish me luck on concluding this nightmare once and for all! Have a wonderful day, my fallen angels! Over and out.