Notes scribbled in haste

All my clothes were folded and already in my dresser,
All the food I needed was already in the fridge,
All the elements that made up nature I was sheltered from,
A note scribbled in haste said:
“Leftover lasagna is in the oven,
Just heat it up 400 degrees for ten minutes.
Love, Mom ♡”
I smiled with delight as I jolted to the empty kitchen,
The next day I awoke to another note taped onto the inside of my bedroom door:
“Sorry but I had to visit your grandpa at the hospital. Leftover pasta is on the stove.
Love, Mom”
So I shrug my shoulders without a care in the world and devoured the whole pot of spaghetti,
One day I came home from school with a love note in my hand,
“I really care about you and I want you to meet me at the creek at dusk.
XOXO Joshua”
I left the note on my nightstand before preparing a picnic basket full of greasy food,
We shared a romantic evening alone together near the cemetery,
I came back home late that night,
To my mother sitting on the couch under the gloom of the lamp’s light,
I walked up to her completely ambivalent,
She didn’t utter a word until she held out the love note from Joshua,
“First my father dies now my son is dead to me,”
This blow to my heart was worse than a gay bashing,
I cried myself to sleep until sunlight spilled on my skin once more,
A note was left beside my pillow and I hoped last night was just a nightmare,
“Pack everything you need and get out because you can’t live here anymore,”
The tears resumed to stain my face in clear, salty truth,
I filled my backpack with all my antidepressants, birth certificate, social security card, but there was no room for food,
Ten dollars was all there was to my name before I pigged out at a Burger King,
Homeless and poor at a moment’s notice,
I decided to admit myself to the hospital claiming I was suicidal,
I wasn’t lying,
The psych ward was a new experience and I stayed in my room for four days straight,
A letter was given to me on the fifth day:
“Everyone at school thinks you’re crazy. We all heard that you’re at the loony bin. Lose my number, you freak.
Sincerely, Joshua”
He must have really researched this psych ward eager to break my heart,
Somehow I mustered the courage to join the other patients in the day room,
They glanced up at me from what they were doing and saw I was nothing special,
I overheard elaborate ways to hurt oneself new ideas to bring my pain to the physical world,
Cutting or eraser burns or overdosing,
I pretended I was healed from a permanent mental illness,
The staff discharged me to live with my grandma for she was lonely too,
I moved in but it wasn’t too hard for I didn’t have much,
My grandmother didn’t speak a lick of English,
And Spanish wasn’t my strong suit either,
My first night was silence,
There were no clothes folded in my mother’s childhood dresser,
There was no food in the fridge I could eat just meals on wheels,
The windows were broken off its hinges so the snow got in,
My grandma wrote a note on my makeshift door the following morning:
” Usted puede sentirse desesperada ahora, pero todo es posible . Entre el mal , el miedo , la soledad , el hambre, y toda la oscuridad era la esperanza. Un pequeño faro de luz que dejar de lado todo lo hecho y dejado de hacer . Te amo con todo mi corazón.”
I couldn’t even begin to understand what these words meant,
It didn’t matter nothing mattered anymore,
I poured all the antidepressant medications on my twin sized bed and grabbed handful after handful into my mouth,
I imagined that I would just fall asleep and never wake up again,
So I wrote a note for the first time and laid it beside my potential cadaver:
“The life of an intellectual is a lonely one. My soul contract has been revoked.”
I have died so many times,
Yet I’m still alive.

Grandma’s translation:
You may feel hopeless now , but anything is possible . Between evil , fear , loneliness , hunger, and all the darkness was hope. A small beacon of light to let go of everything done and left undone. I love you with all my heart.

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What stops them from doing that to you?

Good evening, my reliable fallen angels! So let’s get to it! Have you ever had a friend who did horrible things to someone else but you never thought they would do those things to you? You think you’re their only exception? You’re a fool if you said yes to either of those questions. From a fool to a fool, I am letting you know that no one will ever make you their only exception. Don’t get me wrong; I learned this lesson in high school. I mention it today because my brother is learning that life lesson at this point in his life. His fiancee and her family would gossip about everyone. When I say everyone, I mean everyone. When my brother’s sister-in-law’s boyfriend cheated on her, the family talked a lot of shit about him. That got me thinking. “What stops them from doing that to you?” But my brother didn’t listen. They’re broken up now. I bet they’re talking shit about my brother a mile a minute. I told him it’s out of his control. That’s the third spiritual law. Law of acceptance is to accept that nothing is in your control but yourself. He simply stopped loving her. No one cheated. There was no domestic violence. Nothing. His ex-fiancee treated him terribly. That’s what I hate about some women. They think men don’t have feelings. In society, men can’t cry or express any emotions without someone telling them to “be a man!” It breaks my heart when my dad or my brother were treated badly by the women in their lives. And the second the man decides they’ve had enough, the woman forever raises their child to hate their father. And on top of that, they don’t let the father see the child. What the hell is the man supposed to do? I’m glad I’m gay. Some women would be too much for me. I’ve had my fair share of men in my life and I notice we handle conflict differently. If me and some guy go through a break-up, I know for a fact I’m never gonna hear from him again. Men neglect while women gossip. I don’t know which is worse. Sorry if I sound sexist. My experiences with women are usually disastrous. Now that I think about, men are pretty bad too. Which is why I don’t understand why some people hate the LGBT Community. Men and women are both terrible. Pick your fucking poison! Anyway, back to the main topic at hand. If you find that your boyfriend or girlfriend or ever just a friend act ill-mannered towards other people, you can easily become one of those other people. That is a kind of red flag that you have to look out for. I learned this lesson years ago and my brother is learning it now. It’s one of the trials and tribulations every person will go through. I’m just starting to get into The Bible and I realize that every life lesson is displayed clearly in there. Well, not that clearly. Most Bibles are still in Old English. But still, our lives, mankind’s destiny, has literally been written down already. Life is ironic that way. Well I hope this post helped someone out today. Then again, most people have to learn things the hard way. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂