Speechless

There were so many people
some were fun
some were evil
everyone got in the way
till you came
by one day
the last time that I saw you
we did coke
in my car
I never thought we’d get far
stumblin’
out of the bar
You took the time to know me
you were sad
I was lonely
I had judged you so quickly
enabled
you slowly
I’m sorry I forgive you
just come back
I miss you
my life is so empty
meaningless
without you
tell me how low you can go
please show me
I must know
love hides behind words unsaid
is that why
you’re speechless?

No Regrets

Although a Taurus and an Aquarius are supposedly not compatible, we could have been great together as long as we both worked hard at it. But you wouldn’t let me love you. Your insecurities got in the way. I was in the wrong simply because some asshole from your past was the one who broke you. I would have been faithful, devoted, and loyal to you. I would have deleted all those apps and told all those guys to back off. I could have been your husband someday. But in life, you get what you give. How can you love me if you don’t love yourself? How can you recognize whenever I pour my heart out to you when your heart is so tightly closed in a bud? I am brave enough to be vulnerable. I am strong enough to cry. You think you’re the only one who has been hurt? The only one who’s broken? I don’t care how many times my heart breaks. I am ready to love again.

Tearing At The Seams

I’m in love with a man

I can’t say no to,

I’m in love with the man

Of my dreams,

I’m in love with a man

That I’ll hold onto

And my mind is tearing

At the seams,

I’m in love with a man

No one compares to,

I’m in love with a man

More handsome than you,

I’m in love with a man

Who says he loves me too

And my heart is breaking

Heart is aching…

Praying in the Dark

It’s exhausting,
Obsessing over a ghost,
Idle by the phone,
A special kind of torture

I faced my shadow,
Every dark thought I ever feared about myself,
Came into fruition,
And I reveled in its power

There was no physical pain,
So I overlooked the mundane,
Unwilling to accept the truth,
My feelings are valid too

So I forfeit all my faith into the unknown,
An intangible and omnipotent deity,
In the place of someone I loved
Seems like the best way to go,

Scrapbook Blues

Skimming through history at break-neck velocity

Losing my mind while snapshots take over me

Turn the page!

Wondering if you know I’m here

Thinking I see you everywhere and nowhere

It’s all the same!

I know that we’ve gone on alone

And we wander through the darkness we own

It never ends!

These paper cuts run so deep

I feel you on my lap asleep

Get out of my head!

The glue under these polaroids is just too strong

I can’t pull them out ’cause I waited too long

Be careful!

You’re plastered on the walls of my boudoir

Caving in as it shakes me to my core

Please help me!

I can’t breathe as the floodgates burst open

Submerged in the images that I let in

It’s too late!

Striking a pose while I hold the frame of a .44 Magnum

A flash of the camera leaves me still and undone

Say cheese!

Within The Grass Where You Remain

I was broken-hearted

So the world must be too

I was so high below the sky

So I must have seen an angel

I was deaf in more than one ear

So it must have spoken in tongues

I was blind in more than two eyes

So I couldn’t see why it came to me

I was full of doubt

So I fell into the sea before it flew away

I was searching for you in the grass

So I stared at the television screen

I was broken-hearted

So you must be too

Osmosis Love

Diluted by the stream cascading down from the windows of your soul,

Take me back to the night we met when you still thought I was beautiful,

Let me mold together your broken pieces before they unfurl,

The sky reflects off the windows just before darkness swallows your world,

Enticed by the emerald glow emanating from inside your cage,

Take me back to the day when we became brave enough to turn the page,

Let me free your heart from imprisonment one rib at a time,

The sky spills on the walls just before my love steals your every dime

Coffin For Two

 This mania is summoned upon your arrival,

This fear is merely a reflection of my broken heart you failed to replenish,

Drown me

With your tears I espy yet don’t care to undergo,

Surround me

With the guilt I should endure yet don’t care to experience,

Footfalls echo as you stomp on my outstretched shadow,

Pull gravity towards you to ease your revival from the fall,

Someone has done this to me,

And now I’m doing it to you,

Heartbreak is a rancorous cycle,

It goes on and on and on…

I’m sorry it had to be this way,

Would you rather have had us risk vivisepulture in a coffin for two?

Bad Neighborhood

My tears are dangerous,
They mark the prelude of your destruction,
My mind is a bad neighborhood,
And I am a convicted criminal of thought,

I’ve crawled on your guilt like a pussycat,
I’ve tasted your lips in envy of its freedom,
Do you dare visit me in this part of town at night?
You’re gonna need protection…

Second Best

Hello to my courageous fallen angels! Lately I’ve been talking to a new romantic interest for the first time in two years (apart from my married friend with benefits and that guy from PRIDE club who led me on the whole time just to tell me he already had a boyfriend), but this time, it finally seems to be mutual.

If you have been following me for a while, you’ll know that I was once engaged to my ex-fiance. I proposed to a man twice my age because I really loved him, but our relationship was shaky from the start. He was living with an ex of his when we first met. He was condescending and controlling. He was so handsome and charming.  Only God knows what The Narcissist did behind my back. It terrified me how much I cared for him. I gave up my beliefs, my morals, and my dreams when I fell in love with him. I always told myself that if things didn’t work out with him, I would forever be condemned to settle for second best. Perhaps I jinxed myself when I placed him on a metaphorical pedestal. After all this time, thoughts of him still plague my mind at night, and tearing at my insides like a savage hunger. I look back and I realize that there were so many red flags that I refused to see. I had to let him go. He had total power over me, but enough was enough. The hardest thing I ever did was walk away from a man that I’m still, to this day, madly in love with.

Now with this new guy, I feel awful for even thinking that he’ll never compare to my ex-fiance. That I’ll never love him or anyone else, for that matter, ever again. But I need to give him a chance. He doesn’t have to compare to my ex, but he can be a different, more healthy romance.

I have been on my own for so long though. I have forgotten what love and desire even feels like in this chronic loneliness. I feel so dead inside. Like I’m just half-alive, going through the subtle waves of life until my inevitable and anticipated demise.

I was disowned by my family on my 18th birthday. But even before that, I had a feeling my mother stopped caring about me once I came out at 14 because she was a devout muslim and homosexuality was the devil to her. She probably planned my abandonment for the following four years. I was homeless, then I lived in a halfway house, and now I have my own apartment. For the first time, I’m paying bills, attending college as a full-time student, and looking for a new job. So technically, I don’t really need anyone. It’s just that there are so many lonely nights and all the one night stands I lost count of from those gay hookups apps are never enough. Artificial love isn’t as good as the real thing.

At this point, being in a relationship will result in me being either too clingy or too guarded. Honestly, I’d rather be too guarded if those were my only two options. I would like to at least keep my pride intact if nothing else.

It takes courage to open yourself up to someone after a heartbreak that you can very well never fully get over. But I can’t live like this anymore. If I find out he’s not as good a person as I’d like him to be, then I don’t have to put up with any shit from him or anyone else. I see more clearly now. Blindness and love are no longer synonymous terms. I love myself more than anyone else ever will. I am the only constant variable in my life. Everyone else tends to fade away after a while. I can’t get attached again… I just can’t….

What is a healthy relationship? I don’t know but maybe I’ll find out someday. If it’s not him, it’s someone else, right? See? I’m such a pessimist. I’m already planning on what to do if things go wrong with this new guy.

Well, wish me luck, my fallen angels! Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian