To Each His Own

To each his own. At one point in American History, black people were considered 3/5 of a person, women were nothing without a man, and gay marriage wasn’t legal until recently. So what stops anything from becoming the norm? Nudists or polyanimous marriages or even a utopian society can become the norm someday. Whether we’re alive to witness it happen or not is completely irrelevant. I’m miserable, but who honestly gives a fuck?

Hello to my unique fallen angels! I am so miserable. For a long time, I thought my misery stemmed from my ex or my past family drama. However, I forgave all of them a while ago. I’m indifferent towards them. I don’t even care enough to hate them or hold grudges against them. I get it. I don’t really have any family left. My ex moved on from me. It’s fine, really. This misery I feel is something totally different. You see, I’m a very simple man. As long as I have a roof over my head, food, clothes, and an ambience of safety, I’m good. I don’t care about name brands or what people think about me. Everyone is dealing with their own internal struggles. I go to college, work, the gym, and church but I don’t feel like anything I do amounts to anything truly important. I don’t feel inadequate though. My IQ is in the 140s so that’s not bad at all. I’m starting to think maybe life is too easy. That the “luxurious things in life” are just extra. As long as I can pay my bills and have some money left over to try to cheer myself up, I’m okay. I’m so bored with my life. I have been putting myself out there more and maintaining friendships yet it’s only a fleeting happiness that merely comes and goes without my consent. I am so miserable that I’m becoming physically sick.

I tend to compare myself to Ernest Hemingway a lot. A very intelligent man who was so intelligent that he couldn’t find the means to feel understood and couldn’t connect with other people. He ending up dying by his own volition just like so many other brilliant minds. They say humans are social creatures. Human nature doesn’t exist. There are two sides of me constantly upset with one another. One is like “what’s the point of interacting with other people outside the realm of vested interest?” While the other half is like “people bring out the best in me so why don’t I surround myself with them as much as possible?” I tend to see it so black and white.

I actually got offered to do drag again for this Thursday coming up but I’m not as excited as when I started doing drag. Perhaps the feeling will come back when the moment comes and goes.

I don’t know. I don’t understand how I can make people care about me. I don’t get how anyone can have time for anyone else. We’re always working or busy doing something or sleeping so how does one form a meaningful connection with another person? Do I even care? I must if I’m asking. Life is dull and lonely. It may just be my personal experiences but I notice that no matter if someone has a lot of money or not, or if someone has a lot of friends or not, or even if someone is famous or not, everyone is suffering one way or another. There’s no need for jealousy. Maybe this human life is a mere preliminary of something far more greater. Heaven and Hell? Something else? I don’t know… who the hell does?

I live my life utilizing superlatives and generalizations to indulge in my self-loathing. I find myself being void of all emotion – the good and the bad. I don’t care enough to hate anyone and love is too hard to come by. I do honestly believe that I felt happiest when I was with my ex-fiance. I hope he’s okay. I hope my mom’s okay. Despite everything, I’m indifferent. It’s hard to explain the feeling I’m trying to convey right now in this post.

No two people can ever have the same human experience. Our five senses of exceptionally unique. I believe that is why everyone has a different favorite food or color or kind of music (etc.). Each person garners a completely unique human experience. So what does it matter if I try to express my feelings for anything? We only blog to vent or to promote while only interacting with other blogs to better our own blogs. Hedonism and selfishness at its finest. No one likes to admit that they primarily do things for their own vested interest.

Loneliness is a state of mind, not of matter. No matter how many other people I try to be around or parties I attend, it’s all the same. This chronic loneliness is becoming a medical condition. I don’t care. Sometimes I think to myself that if I was diagnosed with cancer today, I would be relieved. I don’t fear death. I have tried to kill myself over a dozen times in my life but obviously I’m not good at it. So I gave up on giving up. I’ll just go through the motions, the ebb and flow of life. Whatever happens happens. I don’t care.

Perhaps God doesn’t exist after all. What a horrible thing to say considering that I got baptized just a few months ago. I know things can always get worse regardless.

I don’t get why so many people judge each other on their sexual orientation or religion or race. Who gives a fuck?

Who says I have to be diagnosed with major depression? A doctor that never been through it themselves? What if I’m the messiah or if I’ll be the first person to answer life’s questions? Or what if I’m just another person living in this world until Death comes to take me somewhere better and new?

Whatever anything ever is, simply is. So thanks for lasting this long and have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Exorcise my heart

Warped and misconstrued ideas of love and other vulnerabilities,
Forgotten what desire and old-fashioned attire even feels like,
Garner a vigorous angst to morph manhood into sodomy,
You complete me,
But the Heaven-Dwellers don’t agree,

Angels stare down in disapproval as they choke on their halos,
And get drunk on holy water,
Sympathetically pitying mankind for we are their reflection,
Soul contracts dreaded to be accepted in fear of forbidden fruit,
Humans are prone to sin again and again like a chronic addiction,
As if there’s any other kind of happiness,

Self-harm in the form of you,
Waiting for your call was a kind of torture,
Masochistic ways allowed me to convert pain into pleasure,
Envy into pride,
Love into lust,
A whole being into just a half,
Your ego had my spirit to bear for your words were my grave,
Another homosexual said “my heart is a ghost town,”

Concrete words and sweet nothings I brag about it all,
Your imperfections are subconsciously imitated,
My role model,
My father figure,
My sick obsession,
Higher beings hover above us as I attempt to cut the cords,
But I am stronger than ever because of you,

I annoy you while you bore me,
Your convoy’s obsolete,
how a whore in me came to be,
Hell-mongers born of light and evil creatures syphoned of all hope,
Clean slate marred by heartbreak and other traumatic pandemonium,
Can’t control chaos,
Chaos loiters in the aftermath,

Hood rats scurry to their shadows materialized from the darkness,
Easier being evil,
Easier giving up caution and making a mess of healthy habits,
Oleaginous and insecure I once was,
Svelte and guarded I am now,
The worst mistake I ever made became my facade,
All the angels applaud their last hoorah,
In awe of how similar we all really are,
Before retreating behind the golden gates I negate to surpass,
For I am in denial,
And denial is more than a satire,
I know where I truly belong…

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

So close to the edge

Desperation forces to abandon,
Innate ethical morality,
His wings charred like coals,
Eggshells stepped upon to please him,

Those hypnotic red eyes aren’t peripherally avoided,
Some days the hypnosis is nullified,
But all thoughts of freedom died when he flew away,
The veins in his hands enveloped me in ecstasy and sin,
Hardworking yet effortless in controlling his prey,

Promises of love for the completion of a homicidal request,
I would kill anyone if it meant he would want me the same way,
He used to when we first met,
Did I disobey him?
Neglected and released of all pain and pleasure,
I miss them both cus abuse let me know the fallen angel existed,

Love is many things it seems,
It’s been over a year memories of him are just remnants of the past,
I must turn the page of a story that has long since found a home,
Even if I don’t agree with how the romance depleted,

Let him grab me with force take me to the heavens for a glimpse,
Of what could’ve been right before he lets go easily as flapping wings,
So close to the edge of the Golden Gates but it wasn’t in the cards,

God better have a more suitable mate in mind,
I plummet down the abyss as my faith keeps me fighting for breath,
Until perfection is crafted for me I must settle for second-best

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

(Un)conditional love and selfless good deeds

Satisfaction is guaranteed,
A selfish or selfless good deed,
Is the same regardless of integrity, Divination isn’t concrete,
Relationships with other people isn’t a correlation to presence,
Empathic ways conjures feelings more connected to others,
than they can ever begin to fathom with their own two eyes,
Loneliness disguised as scoring one night stands,
Walls built to protect secret weapons and plan B’s,
Give to charity with stubborn feelings of pride,
Wealth is needed to fully enjoy insanity,
Travel the world and make new friends (sorry, followers),
To promote through hidden journeys and distant salvation,
Can’t shake off this feeling that the idea of him in the preliminaries, was what love should be like before it went awry,
Not afraid of the dark but what it means to be,
So aware of yet another upcoming loveless night,
Unconditional or conditional are both temporary,
What is forever when bliss is an elapsed time to showcase,
Whether Heaven or Hell would suffice for my elderly soul?
Strive for both yet expectations subconsciously takes its toll,
a little each day,
Meditation really works!
Laughing maniacally,
Laying on the grass while sensing onlookers’ judgment,
Ultimate knowledge seeps through veins from a vacant heart,
Does it truly matter if one sins differently from another?
Life is a telenovela performed with deception and intrigue,
Evil acts attract a larger audience,
Happy endings are disappointing to most,
Feeding bloated minds of starving artists,
Reviewing and exploiting what is observed in a material world,
Let’s type words because they amount to nothing,
“Will you marry me?”
A question that invited his words destined to become my grave,
Cry just to let me know you can,
Whether I save you next time around or if history repeats itself,
My selfish yearning is love preoccupied for reciprocation,
Unconditional love belongs to the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost,
No one else would be rightfully placed on a pedestal,
Demons scream when touching a Bible or being forced into church,
Detox a life for I have been where you are now,
Burning bridges shore to shore until a fossil is the only proof,
That I have been around before the sacrilegious bonfire,
Ignite my soul in fire or light,
You decide my fate apparently,
you are the judge and jury it seems,
Beautiful lies summon the handsome devil,
Contemplating if I’m truly made in God’s image

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Heaven is locked up in those bones of his

There once was a man who came up to me,
And introduced himself so politely,
As he also sat on the wooden bench,
He was aware of our boundaries,

In response I told him my name,
We shook hands and we smiled the same,
30 minutes past until the bus came,
He asked me if I’d go home or if I’d rather stay,

I decided the latter and we went on a date,
Went to the movies until it got late,
We exchanged numbers a bridge we create,
It was love at first sight that seemed like fate,

He was such a handsome gentleman,
It was two months before we held hands,
He was so afraid to make his move,
But when he did all doubt he removed,

In six months’ time he confessed his love,
Every time he spoke angels sang from above,
Everyday words turned into love songs,
Butterflies came back when I thought they were gone,

Everyone else thought he was a bad guy,
But I knew for a fact he had love trapped inside,
I clawed at his walls til my nails bloody raw,
Was he always so guarded before I never saw,

Two years has past since the day we first met,
So much has happened since that fateful event,
He wasn’t the same man I once fell hard for,
Evil encased his heart but not to his core,

His views on the world had changed so much,
So cold and defeated became his touch,
I tried so hard to save him from the dark,
But of to no avail shadows made their mark,

Paranoia and apathy took over him,
The light he once garnered grew so dim,
So eventually I had to let him go,
His love or lack of it thereof,

He was my first love I’ll never forget,
The good times we shared I’ll never regret,
He saved my life with just one kiss,
And now he’s gone a man I’ll forever miss,

His altruistic ways will always live on,
In me his memory as bright as the Sun,
It’s tragic that this love was dismissed,
Heaven is locked up in those bones of his