Make Your Pain My Own

I want to hold onto the distraught woman who gave birth to a miniature cadaver
While she tries to convince herself it was a figment of her imagination
For I know denial makes it easier to bare
So make your pain my own

I want to hold onto the stoic man who broke my heart then left to find something else to do
While he tries to overcome his insecurities without putting down his walls
For I know it’s impossible to have my cake and eat it too
So make your pain my own

I want to hold onto the vengeful woman who never turns the page of stories that has long since been burned
While she tries to live with the awful things she has done
For I know forgiveness is a hard thing to learn
So make your pain my own

I want to hold onto the naive man who believes it’s okay to force himself to belong with a hateful family
While he witnesses his hopes and dreams crumble to the floor
For I know it may not be lonely to stay and pretend they love me
So make your pain my own

I want to hold onto the guilty man who gave into lust and lost everything he once cared about
While he comes into terms with the consequences of his actions
For I know the past cannot be revised by doubt
So make your pain my own

I want to hold onto the past that’s submerged in my tears
While it hopelessly tries to learn how to breathe without air
For I know nothing lasts forever as happiness fades through the years
So make your pain my own

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

As It Was, As It Is, As It Will Be

I miss

psych wards

anti-psychotics

anti-

depressants

mood

Stabilizers

Anything to hold

On

To my

Humanity

I

miss almost

Being dead

being

restrained

i

Miss physical pain

Getting

Attention for being

Insane

I miss

mother afraid of me

Father figures

Touching me

I miss fearing for

My life

Alone

Without a home

I miss

My heart my

Mind

I

Miss my 15-

year-old

Body

I miss

Starving while

My sisters

Went out to

Party i miss

Running

Away to the

Cemetery

i miss the

Countless

Times i was almost

Relieved of

The burden of being Alive

I miss the feeling

Of

My heart break

ing

I

Miss fighting

Off grown men

just to survive i miss The insecurity of

A

Homeless

Shelter I miss worrying

About bullies

I miss

The ability

To cry

I

Miss missing

People

I miss caring

I miss

Not knowing

Anything

I miss the joy

Of my

Baptism

And God

I want

To believe

that I

Miss God

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

Let’s be negative!

Hello to my negative fallen angels! I’m gonna talk some real shit today because I genuinely don’t give a fuck and I need to vent. I can’t see my therapist this week because of stupid ass Thanksgiving. This is the time of the month my food stamps are gone and people make plans with me and then ditch me at the last minute. So when people ask me what I’m doing for Thanksgiving, I say starving and contemplating suicide. Lol. I hate the holiday season! More like Suicide Season! I’m the fucking love child of Mr. Scrooge and the Grinch. There’s always those dumbass Christmas specials on TV and annoying children getting spoiled and becoming worse and worse every year. I can’t do yoga or meditation as well as my empathic rituals barefooted at my local park because now it’s too cold outside. My ex-fiance’s birthday is in December too. And my crush keeps hanging me on a hook. I hate this shit! Ungrateful people smiling and laughing in each other’s company as if they give a fuck about each other. I have no faith nor expectations in other people anymore so when someone fails to comply, I am not disappointed. Loneliness is the realest thing there is and I must be content with the darkness that is mankind. My boss is fake too! Warmline ain’t shit! No one’s calling and she’s a condescending bitch! It’s a fake job led by a fake person. I bet she was one of those blonde cheerleaders who gossip and pour pig’s blood on dark beauty queens. The kind of girl in high school whose boyfriend I fucked last night. I’m trying to get a real job but I guess no one is really hiring. Lol. My brother is getting back with his bitch ass fiance so I’m not talking to him anytime soon. I hope the world ends soon though. It sucked when mankind continued to live past 2012. I mention 2012 a lot but seriously, I was SO FUCKING DISAPPOINTED THAT THE END OF THE WORLD NEVER HAPPENED! Humans don’t deserve to live. Whatever. I gotta wait it out, I guess. I have been working out three times a week but I’m still curvy as fuck. I really enjoyed doing drag last Wednesday though. I have pictures and wrote a draft for my post about my alter-drag ego, Seductress. However, the video for ComiQueens is still in the works of being edited. So once I gather pics and vids, I will post it immediately. And my church family is pretty cool. So maybe there are a few reasons to continue tolerating living amongst human beings as an alien attempting but failing to take over the world time and time again. No one in my life bothers reading my blog, but even if they did… oh wells! The infamous One-Eyed Angel resumes his existence in pursuit of a fabled salvation. Wish me luck and I will wish you luck too – as if that matters at all. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Yet Another Way to Describe Misery

Let’s live a lie because the truth is too hard to arouse.

I must replenish my will to live weakly weekly in His house.

Deferring my dreams like a raisin in the sun –

The mask is pretty enough to provide me false fun.

Timidness is an act in a performance that I’ve mastered in this cage.

Friendship is merely a hologram in this technological age…

Neglect my existence over and over again until I’m just a nuisance.

I will invade your emotions until they’re anything but elusive.

Only someone whose odd can be number one.

Yet another way to describe misery but I’m almost done.

All my poems seem to be written in a similar way

For happiness is indigenous same shit different day.

#FML #KMN

Hello to my bitter fallen angels! I’m sick of being fucking positive all the time! I’m an introverted loner inches away from oblivion. I don’t care about how anyone is doing. And I hate every single fucking holiday except Halloween. Fortunately Halloween is coming up soon. I just wanna scare the shit out of everyone I come across. Let the real me come out one day of the year. Ugly ass strangers on the streets staring at me. “What the fuck do you want from me?” Sexy guys who think they’re too good for me. “Fine! I hope you find someone who will abuse you, you fucking bastard!” Some people say they love me. Yeah fucking right! When I’m trying to be positive and joking around, it’s easy to be around me, huh fucker? But when shit hits the fan, everyone in my boring ass life ceases to exist. “This dude is crazy as hell…” I can hear your thoughts slowly dying as you selfishly walk away. Paying bills, going to school, working, and sleeping practically makes up people’s days so how does anyone have time for anyone else? Fuck my life. Kill me now. This is why I have had writer’s block for days now. Because I was attempting to think of more positive bullshit to write about until I realized my tolerance for other people’s existence is wasted away by now. We live in a world where your own mother can be your archnemesis, where a man says he loves you one day and ghost out the next, where discrimination and abuse are the norm. This world sucks! Life is meaningless! People with mental health problems will never be accepted into society and will forever be on the receiving end of ridicule. Blasphemy! Freedom my ass! The cashier at my local grocery store is such a bitch! The man at my local post office is an asshole! Yet they have jobs and I don’t! Suicide Hotline ain’t shit. My boss says I’m not even good enough to be an operator cus I need further training! Fuck you, slut! Am I not adequate enough for you?! “Don’t sugarcoat it. Tell me how you really feel?” Lol! I’m not suicidal or anything. I’m just one of the few select people on the world who have come to terms with the harsh truth that loneliness is the realest thing there is. I think I’m just gonna be Mr. Scrooge for the hopeless remainder of my life. I don’t give a fuck! I’m content with Loneliness. The only guy I sleep with at night. I haven’t had sex in three weeks now. I found out the man I started to have feelings for was already married. But it’s an open marriage so it’s okay… What the fuck do you want from me then? To be your mistress?! Fuck outta here! At this time, that would be better than nothing. Let’s call the adulterer, shall we? I had a job interview with some fat asshole asking me why I wanna work there. “To pop bottles on the weekends and buy shit. What the fuck you mean ‘why?'” He said he’ll call me but I doubt he will. He told me himself he hates people in general. More than I do, if that’s even humanly possible. I was disappointed when the world didn’t end in 2012. Seconds until the ball dropped and I was giddy with excitement for I thought I was finally going to meet Death. Unfortunately the world still goes ’round. My New Year’s resolution every year since was to lose weight. I have been working out a lot but of to no avail. I can keep going on and on. This world gives me infinite reasons to hate it. If you made it through my psychotic rantings, then congratulations! Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Notes scribbled in haste

All my clothes were folded and already in my dresser,
All the food I needed was already in the fridge,
All the elements that made up nature I was sheltered from,
A note scribbled in haste said:
“Leftover lasagna is in the oven,
Just heat it up 400 degrees for ten minutes.
Love, Mom ♡”
I smiled with delight as I jolted to the empty kitchen,
The next day I awoke to another note taped onto the inside of my bedroom door:
“Sorry but I had to visit your grandpa at the hospital. Leftover pasta is on the stove.
Love, Mom”
So I shrug my shoulders without a care in the world and devoured the whole pot of spaghetti,
One day I came home from school with a love note in my hand,
“I really care about you and I want you to meet me at the creek at dusk.
XOXO Joshua”
I left the note on my nightstand before preparing a picnic basket full of greasy food,
We shared a romantic evening alone together near the cemetery,
I came back home late that night,
To my mother sitting on the couch under the gloom of the lamp’s light,
I walked up to her completely ambivalent,
She didn’t utter a word until she held out the love note from Joshua,
“First my father dies now my son is dead to me,”
This blow to my heart was worse than a gay bashing,
I cried myself to sleep until sunlight spilled on my skin once more,
A note was left beside my pillow and I hoped last night was just a nightmare,
“Pack everything you need and get out because you can’t live here anymore,”
The tears resumed to stain my face in clear, salty truth,
I filled my backpack with all my antidepressants, birth certificate, social security card, but there was no room for food,
Ten dollars was all there was to my name before I pigged out at a Burger King,
Homeless and poor at a moment’s notice,
I decided to admit myself to the hospital claiming I was suicidal,
I wasn’t lying,
The psych ward was a new experience and I stayed in my room for four days straight,
A letter was given to me on the fifth day:
“Everyone at school thinks you’re crazy. We all heard that you’re at the loony bin. Lose my number, you freak.
Sincerely, Joshua”
He must have really researched this psych ward eager to break my heart,
Somehow I mustered the courage to join the other patients in the day room,
They glanced up at me from what they were doing and saw I was nothing special,
I overheard elaborate ways to hurt oneself new ideas to bring my pain to the physical world,
Cutting or eraser burns or overdosing,
I pretended I was healed from a permanent mental illness,
The staff discharged me to live with my grandma for she was lonely too,
I moved in but it wasn’t too hard for I didn’t have much,
My grandmother didn’t speak a lick of English,
And Spanish wasn’t my strong suit either,
My first night was silence,
There were no clothes folded in my mother’s childhood dresser,
There was no food in the fridge I could eat just meals on wheels,
The windows were broken off its hinges so the snow got in,
My grandma wrote a note on my makeshift door the following morning:
” Usted puede sentirse desesperada ahora, pero todo es posible . Entre el mal , el miedo , la soledad , el hambre, y toda la oscuridad era la esperanza. Un pequeño faro de luz que dejar de lado todo lo hecho y dejado de hacer . Te amo con todo mi corazón.”
I couldn’t even begin to understand what these words meant,
It didn’t matter nothing mattered anymore,
I poured all the antidepressant medications on my twin sized bed and grabbed handful after handful into my mouth,
I imagined that I would just fall asleep and never wake up again,
So I wrote a note for the first time and laid it beside my potential cadaver:
“The life of an intellectual is a lonely one. My soul contract has been revoked.”
I have died so many times,
Yet I’m still alive.

Grandma’s translation:
You may feel hopeless now , but anything is possible . Between evil , fear , loneliness , hunger, and all the darkness was hope. A small beacon of light to let go of everything done and left undone. I love you with all my heart.

image

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂