Standing by for fun…

Good morning to my misunderstood fallen angels! It’s been a while since I last posted something other than poetry, random reviews, and reblogs. For that, I humbly repent. So let’s get to it, shall we? After my first heartbreak, I’m not really in a rush to get my heart broken again. So I sit idly by as all my friends are all in relationships. But looking back, the fact that I even have friends now is quite an accomplishment on my behalf. And also another fact that I went from dealing with hardcore issues to mere high school shit is a blessing in disguise. Yeah, I may be single and lonely but I’m focusing on myself. I’m getting my driver’s license this Thursday and I started my second semester in college today. Apart from those goals reached, I also have a job now as a Suicide Warmline Operator. It’s just I’m so proud of myself. And I deserve it because I have been through so much. Besides, all my past relationships were unhealthy and affected me severely. And I’m saving up for a car. So I’m not gonna bother wasting money on dates where they just end badly anyway. Money that would better suit me in the long run if I just save it. I am at my best at this point in my life and when I fall in love, I fall hard. But at the end of it all, I have no regrets whatsoever. Hardship is the only way to strengthen the soul, I always say. I’ve survived worse. I’m keeping myself busy now that my Summer is over. I don’t see it as running away from my problems or repressing my feelings. I see it more as staying proactive, acknowledging my past and how it affects me to this day, and trying to move forward with my life. God takes someone out of your life to make room for someone better. That’s what I always tell myself. And a life without goals or purpose is a life not worth living. That’s why I keep it moving. I also realize that although not even my friends can understand me, no one will ever fully understand ever. To expect people to fully fathom my existence would be foolish. That’s too much expectations on anyone. And to be honest, I don’t want people, even the closest people to me, to figure out my mystery because anyone can betray me. I am only in complete control over myself. I am okay with that. So with that paranoia-infected note, I hope you all have a wonderful day! Over and out.

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Help is not the same without family

Hola! What adventures will you embark on today? Anyway, lately I have been getting the feeling that nobody genuinely cares about me. Boo hoo! Lol But in all seriousness,  I have been in the system since I was 14 years old. No, I’ve never been arrested. 14 was the year I first tried to commit suicide. Since then til last year, I was in psych wards, state hospitals, alternative schools, group homes, residential, and transitional homes. I had my fair share of therapy and psych medicine. Although I have come a long way in my road to recovery, this gnawing feeling of inhospitable loneliness clings onto me everyday. I never had a stable home or anyone I really considered family. I had a lot of services throughout the years though. Don’t get me wrong! I’m very grateful for my therapist and additional services I receive from DMHAS but I doubt it’s the same as having a family. I watch a lot of tv and I see these shows like Modern Family or The Middle. Family seems like a burden and they may be annoying as all hell but at the end of the day, they have each other’s backs. Besides one day of the week, my therapist is off the clock. I had the same therapist for years but I doubt she considers me family. She has a family and life of her own and I’m simply just a client. I accept that for what it is. What does it feel like to be a part of a family?  The idea of family repulses me to no end yet maybe that’s because I find it to be co-dependent and weak. At the end of the day, I know if I fail to pay my bills, I will homeless again. If I get arrested, no one will bother to bail me out. If I run out of food, no one will give me any. That’s life. At least that’s my life. Family would sure help but I’m so independent and a lone wolf simply doesn’t have the luxury of dependency. Sure my therapist or my job coach could help me if I needed a bus pass or a laundry card but that’s not like family. There’s a procedure and paperwork that has to be done in order to keep me serviced. It’s not out of the kindness of their hearts. They get paid to help me. I’m grateful but I have yet to know what’s it’s like to be cared for. It seems the only way to have a family is to marry into one. I would have to allow myself to fall in love and share my life with someone else. That’s frightening. My brother has no sense of family either. He married into a family but by observation, he will never officially be an addition to his wife’s family entirely. They don’t go out of their way for him. They do a halfass job just to make him think he’s any importance to their family. It’s sad but my brother would rather tolerate that than face the fact that I am the only family he has left. That he is just as alone as I am. I, myself, can’t live in denial like he can. But to each his own, I guess. In retrospect, maybe marrying into a family isn’t a secure option either. I’m contempt with being alone. I have my services, my confidant, very few friends, and my coping skills. I must continue to live regardless of the cards I was dealt. Have a wonderful day, my fallen angels! Over and out.

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Adorning Morning

Awakened by my pet cat,

Or was it the sunlight spilling from the blinds?

I am no longer fat,

Work outs and eating food of the healthy kinds,

I stare into the mirror,

And embrace the man I have become,

My strength is no error,

Despite my flaws for I still have some,

I shower under the warm water,

Singing the latest song I recall,

No longer fearing the role of martyr,

For I don’t care who hears down the hall,

The status quo I’m never beneath,

Drying myself off,

Brushing my teeth,

Wondering what happened to David Hasselhoff,

Feed my feline,

Feed myself,

Silence is divine,

All the food is on the top shelf,

I try on different outfits,

Especially ones that highlight my weight loss,

Even as an adult I’m still one of the misfits,

No one tell me what to do I’m my own boss,

I lock the door behind me,

And set forth towards a new day,

A new adventure laid out by He,

My faith in Him leaves the darkness at bay