All The Right Places

Hello to my oddly optimistic fallen angels! I realized that if I expect people to treat me bad and go into a situation thinking that way, then only negative things will happen. Today, I tried a more positive approach. I was more social, I never mentioned any mental health jargon, and I engaged in rather normal conversations. I met new people as well as strengthened my existing friendships. I took initiative to start attending free guitar lessons that go on in my college. I haven’t touched my personal guitar in months. I took initiative to play video games with some other college students at the student lounge. I took initiative in contacting my friends through text and phone calls to plan to hang out in person just for the hell of it. I think the reason why I have felt alone for so long is that I never took the initiative. I always expected people to reach out to me, but it’s not realistic to wait for someone to read my mind. As a child, I was told to do certain things like chores or to go to grade school because I had to. But when I became an adult myself, I realized no one is gonna tell me to do my laundry or wake up to go to my morning courses. We can do anything we want as long as we don’t break the law. I can easily quit college, quit my job, delete all my social outlets, and just live off the state. I have done that in the past. But philosophically, seclusion is not a happy life. Some people are fairly decent if you look in the right places. Trust me, it is futile to resist the human urge to be social. Don’t be afraid to go outside and meet people! If money is an issue, there are plenty of free programs out there. If transportation is an issue, there are cheap ways to travel. The city bus or walking or making friends with people who have cars. Lol. There is a solution to any problem if you try hard enough. I hope you understand just how important human interaction truly is too. If you already know, then I’m proud of you. For the other lonely people like me, take initiative! Well, my fallen angels, have a wonderful day! Over and out.

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Leave me alone, I’m lonely

Good evening to my fallen angels! My innate behavior towards other people is paradoxical. I tend to push away the people I truly care about yet I feel so alone and I, so desperately, want to connect with others. With friendships, I begin to notice how comfortable I feel around someone and I freak out. I find some excuse or faulty reason why we shouldn’t be friends anymore. Yet I only dreamed of having a group of friends like in the show, Friends. With romantic interests, once secrets and intimacy become overwhelming or more out in the open, I break up with them immediately before they have a chance to hurt me. Yet I have so much love to give and no one to give it to. With family, I had a traumatic past with anyone I once considered family so any replication of a new family gives me this urge to run away. How would I expect to have a social circle of family, friends, and a significant other when fear takes it toll on even the slightest sign of a connection with anyone else? For a while after I broke up with my ex-fiance, I began to use those apps like Grindr and Hornet just to see if I was desirable. Apparently I am. Guys would message me and say, “you’re so cute. Are you a top or a bottom?” I don’t know their name or even if they’re an escaped convict or something. The attention was a bit flattering for a time. It was a confidence booster. Until reality sets in and I realize these guys could be rapacious or murderous. So I delete the apps and co-exist with just myself for a while longer. At least I am attractive but looks aren’t everything. No one cares to delve deeper than my handsome, dark facade or my class-clown nature. People attempt to use me for many different reasons. Sex. Money. Laughter. Labor. I know two people who would love to be my roommate but I can’t even fathom ever accepting living with any other human being. Personalities will change in the flip of a coin. Secrets will be exposed when disagreements ensue. Material things are in jeopardy. Sometimes I could be so cold or mask my internal struggles with humor. I don’t have the luxury of falling into pieces like most people do. I have to be strong or I will die. It’s exhausting to forever be in survival mode, but it’s my life. I have goals, both short term and long. I work towards them every single day. I don’t accept weakness so I tend to strengthen every flaw I have. I don’t think anyone in my life is as strong as me so maybe that’s another reason I can’t get too close to anyone. I become annoyed and frustrated when people don’t listen to my wisdom or when they show any sign of weakness. Oh wells. Intelligence and resilience must have a cost. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.