Second Best

Hello to my courageous fallen angels! Lately I’ve been talking to a new romantic interest for the first time in two years (apart from my married friend with benefits and that guy from PRIDE club who led me on the whole time just to tell me he already had a boyfriend), but this time, it finally seems to be mutual.

If you have been following me for a while, you’ll know that I was once engaged to my ex-fiance. I proposed to a man twice my age because I really loved him, but our relationship was shaky from the start. He was living with an ex of his when we first met. He was condescending and controlling. He was so handsome and charming.  Only God knows what The Narcissist did behind my back. It terrified me how much I cared for him. I gave up my beliefs, my morals, and my dreams when I fell in love with him. I always told myself that if things didn’t work out with him, I would forever be condemned to settle for second best. Perhaps I jinxed myself when I placed him on a metaphorical pedestal. After all this time, thoughts of him still plague my mind at night, and tearing at my insides like a savage hunger. I look back and I realize that there were so many red flags that I refused to see. I had to let him go. He had total power over me, but enough was enough. The hardest thing I ever did was walk away from a man that I’m still, to this day, madly in love with.

Now with this new guy, I feel awful for even thinking that he’ll never compare to my ex-fiance. That I’ll never love him or anyone else, for that matter, ever again. But I need to give him a chance. He doesn’t have to compare to my ex, but he can be a different, more healthy romance.

I have been on my own for so long though. I have forgotten what love and desire even feels like in this chronic loneliness. I feel so dead inside. Like I’m just half-alive, going through the subtle waves of life until my inevitable and anticipated demise.

I was disowned by my family on my 18th birthday. But even before that, I had a feeling my mother stopped caring about me once I came out at 14 because she was a devout muslim and homosexuality was the devil to her. She probably planned my abandonment for the following four years. I was homeless, then I lived in a halfway house, and now I have my own apartment. For the first time, I’m paying bills, attending college as a full-time student, and looking for a new job. So technically, I don’t really need anyone. It’s just that there are so many lonely nights and all the one night stands I lost count of from those gay hookups apps are never enough. Artificial love isn’t as good as the real thing.

At this point, being in a relationship will result in me being either too clingy or too guarded. Honestly, I’d rather be too guarded if those were my only two options. I would like to at least keep my pride intact if nothing else.

It takes courage to open yourself up to someone after a heartbreak that you can very well never fully get over. But I can’t live like this anymore. If I find out he’s not as good a person as I’d like him to be, then I don’t have to put up with any shit from him or anyone else. I see more clearly now. Blindness and love are no longer synonymous terms. I love myself more than anyone else ever will. I am the only constant variable in my life. Everyone else tends to fade away after a while. I can’t get attached again… I just can’t….

What is a healthy relationship? I don’t know but maybe I’ll find out someday. If it’s not him, it’s someone else, right? See? I’m such a pessimist. I’m already planning on what to do if things go wrong with this new guy.

Well, wish me luck, my fallen angels! Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Mania II

Mania I

Take me back! I’ll literally crawl to you! I need you! I’m half-alive without you! After all this time, I still love you! I don’t want anyone else! Any other man I would end up with will always be second best to you! It felt like kisses when you abused me! Hit me! Yell at me! Take all your frustrations and pent-up rage out on me! Please! I beg of you! Love me again! Want me the way you did when you first saw me! Make me your bitch! Anything… just be here with me tonight! I don’t have a support system. I don’t have close family or friends. I’ve been unloved for so long. Neglected and abused. My life is hell! Sometimes I think God hates me. Did I do something nefarious and unforgivable in a past life? Am I the reincarnation of Job? What’s wrong with me? My love, only you can cure me of this madness with your own brand of madness that only you can bestow upon me! My heart, my soul, my body, my mind, my belongings are all yours! I’m on my knees for your bittersweet fellatio, my holy communion. My religion is you, my handsome devil. My love…

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Xrotica: The Return of Dee

 

Around three months had passed since I’ve shared my body with Dee. I jacked off every night thinking about all our various sexual encounters in the past. The time we fucked in a deserted park at two o’clock in the morning. All the times he swallowed my load. That time he let me cum on his face as I screamed out “that’s all, folks!”

Dee was the best sex I ever had.

There’s a part of me that’s hurt that he’s married and didn’t tell me until over a year after our physical relationship began. But I care about him deeply and I know any love I have for him won’t be reciprocated, at least not fully. However, I accepted the way things were.

Sometimes, Dee backs off from me months at a time because by now, he can tell when I’m starting to get too attached to him. I can tell he feels bad that I have these feelings he can’t return, but he cannot deny the pure sexual chemistry that we garner for one another.

He messaged me on Growlr that morning by unlocking his private photos followed by a “hey.” My initial reaction was to be upset, but I knew he kept his distance for a good reason. Once I saw his picture of his bare ass in a jockstrap and one of his beautiful penis, I confessed my undying lust for him almost immediately. So we agreed to meet that evening after I came back from college for the day. Eventually, the time came, cued by the “im here” message ding on the app.

I rushed downstairs to retrieve him, but I paused before I turned the corner. I took a deep breath. I allowed a few seconds to pass with absolute silence and anticipation before I opened the locked door for him. I thought about just grabbing him and making out with him right there in the lobby, but I fought that urge and played it cool. We exchanged a bit of small talk while climbing up the two flights of stairs to my apartment.

Waiting for us was the plethora of pornos and condoms I liked to display on the table prior to his arrival.

I told him calmly to get himself comfortable. As I turned around to put my shoes away, he hugged me and I hugged him back. I almost forgot how his hugs felt. He was a gay bear and I was his gay cub. I rubbed my face on his beard. I noticed he grew a few grey hairs since the last time we fucked. It was cute. I kissed his neck a bit until after I felt my dick twitching, engorged with excitement.

Before it went far, he subtly ended the embrace and gave me a present from the contents of his backpack. It was a black and yellow jockstrap. It reminded me of Batman. Oh, how I love Batman… It was the second jockstrap Dee ever gave me and I loved it. Dee pulled some other stuff out from his backpack: lube, some weed, and poppers (I think that’s what they’re called; the nose stuff you inhale to get high).

Then, he mentioned he needed to rinse off in my shower and I said that was fine.

I sat there on the couch playing with myself and watching this porno where the central premise was older men fucking younger men. I enjoyed the company of older men than I did with guys my age. It’s always been that way. When I was a child, it was my dad at home or my male teachers at school that satisfied me. Then it was my ex whose 40 now. Mind you, I’m turning 22 next week. Anyway, Dee came out the shower and quickly dried himself off with my towel. He appeared completely nude. I didn’t know if it was my imagination or if I wasn’t paying enough attention before but he had a lot of tattoos. The only tattoo he had that I was definitely familiar with was the bear paw on his right buttcheek because I liked to hit it.

Dee put his clothes back on so we can catch up and update each other about our lives. Sometimes I wished we didn’t talk like that because it made it more difficult to contain my emotions. We began to smoke some weed and inhale the poppers. My head was swimming! I started laughing uncontrollably. Dee thought it was cute. Then, we made out heavy. My tongue explored his in ways I only imagined doing in the last few months. I exchanged a torrent of kisses all over his face and neck. His collarbone was quite prominent for a man his size. Dee’s skin was so soft beneath my hungry fingertips.

I got off him abruptly. He stood up and pulled his dick out of his bright red boxer briefs. I grabbed it and shoved it vigorously into my mouth. I hugged his waist as I took brief breaks by licking his balls and fingering him. I licked the shaft of his cock, teasing him for a few seconds before continuing to indulge in sexual intoxication. He kept putting the poppers near my nose for me to inhale. I kept getting headrushes and his cock stifled my stoner laughs.

Suddenly, he told me to stop so he wouldn’t cum too soon and ushered me up so we stood up and made out even more. I wanted us to last as long as possible without cumming but that wasn’t an easy task for either of us.

I suggested we resume on my bed. He laid down on his back and then I climbed on top of him. My breathing heaved in unleashed desire while we continued our kiss. Dee sat up slowly so that I was sitting on his lap. My legs stretched on either side of his hips. He pushed me on my back and took hold of my inflated cock. Woooooowww!!!! I loved giving head but being a bottom verse, it was rare for a guy to want to suck me off for a change. I felt his tongue latch onto my foreskin before he peeled it back. This gorilla knew how to unpeel a banana without his hands. His tongue went in circles! Clockwise… counterclockwise…. He put both my balls into his mouth until it was as if it just hit him that my asshole was a couple inches away. Good thing I do yoga regularly because he held my legs way back in order to eat my ass out like he was a homeless man at a free buffet. Daaaammmmnnnnn!!! I liked getting my ass rimmed a bit more than getting head. I kept inhaling the poppers every few minutes. Dee alternated between tasting my dick and my ass. It felt like ecstasy! I haven’t felt that good in so long! I forgot about my ex, my homework, and all my worries and fears.

After what felt like forever, he shimmied over me so that his dick was in my face. I arched my neck to reach for it with just my lips. He fucked my face good. I breathed through my nose and tapped his thigh every time I gagged. He grabbed my head and fucked it deeper and faster. We 69’d for a while until his fear of a premature orgasm came back. He pulled away. I wanted it back in my mouth but I knew it was better to hold off of sucking him for a little bit. We got up again, and Dee went on his knees and had seconds. My sexy bear loved to eat and I wasn’t gonna deprive him of my food. I thought I was gonna cum so I stopped him and made him lay on his stomach. I ate him out while tracing his bear paw tattoo. I spread those cheeks far apart and just stared at his bare ass for a moment. Next time I have enough money to spare, I’m gonna get a bear paw on each of my buttcheeks and I’ll make sure that another sexy bear applies it. I stared into his gaping asshole. So hairy and pink and beautiful. I tried to memorize how it looked with my spit all over it so I could jerk off to that memory later that night. I gnawed at every area just outside his hole before heading right back into it. I reached for a condom and his bottle of lube and smeared his ass with it. I put on the condom fast but swiftly. Dee arched his back just a little so that I had better access to penetration. I always knew when the car entered the garage whenever he moaned in surprise. The bed was rapidly shaking as I laid on top of him and shoved his head on one side. Every time he moved his head, I shoved it back to the position I wanted it to be in. He kept groaning louder as I was in balls deep. I kissed his neck and whispered, “you like when a cub dominates you, huh, papi?” Dee nodded earnestly before I went faster. All this excitement kept making my dick slip out too many times. So we decided to just jerk off in each other’s arms. I stared into his dark brown eyes, not once did they blink. Sometimes, my line of sight veered to his dick and his impatient hands, so eager to achieve orgasm. He hovered over me as his hot load squirted onto my tummy, chest, and neck. Dee fingered me a bit before I came too. I moaned loudly as my cum started off landing on my thighs and stomach until the last of it blinded me completely. It splashed everywhere.

I wanted Dee to consume both our nonexistent children but he told me before that he had limited time before he had to go to a social gathering. It sucked that I didn’t have mouthwash at the time or else he probably would have cleaned my body of the moist, transparent fluid oozing down the sides of my body before it meandered down onto my bedsheets. He went into my bathroom as I wiped myself off with my jizz rag instead.

I laid there for a minute listening to my sink run and this sadness began to encase my thoughts once more. I didn’t want Dee to leave. I hated when he had to leave. But this was the sacrifice I had to make in order to maintain our beneficial friendship. I never knew when he’ll come back or if he’ll decide I’m getting too attached to him again. So once he was dressed, I asked if we can make this a weekly thing. Dee always saw through my smile and noticed my sad, puppy eyes that it attempted to hide. He hugged me once more and promised me that he would text me the next day. He knew I would miss him. Due to radical acceptance, I had to accept that he was married and that it was my choice to endure the pain of his absence along with the pleasure of his ongoing arrival.

The sex was so intense that Dee lost the top to his poppers vial. So he left behind the dried up remnants of it on my bathroom sink. He assured me that it was okay shortly after I began looking for it. Dee made sure he had everything he came in with apart from the jockstraps he gave me as well. I was already dressed, prepared to walk him down to his car, but he told me it was good enough to say goodbye in my apartment. I bade him farewell before he departed as our fuck session was in the beginning stages of becoming just another distant memory.

 

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Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Once Innocence Lost

I was so frail until I fell into your mind,
But fate never pulled me out from its bind.
A think tank I drown in for so damn long.
Your dominion that reigns over me is so strong.

Beat me.
Spit on me.
Tell me I’m scum.

Rape me.
Scream at me.
Until you cum.

You convince me I’m nothing whether you’re here or not.
You might as well raze me here now, my sexy stoic robot.

I was an innocent little boy until I fell for you hard.
I sold my soul when I put down my guard.
Your arms I wore like a wedding dress.
Ivory silk drips underneath to caress.

Grab me.
Don’t kiss me.
Make me your bitch.

Sedate me.
Don’t date me.
Until your dick twitch.

You sold me spare parts of a heart non-existent.
Yet I’ll forever remain perplexingly persistent.

I was so ambitious until I fell on your facade.
Down on my knees as if you were God.
My religion is you because I’m a little monster.
Not once did doubt show you were an imposter.

Choke me.
Condemn me.
Drag me to hell.

Fuck me.
Lie to me.
My body’s for sale.

You made me believe faith is a waste of time.
Even life itself gives me something to deny.

Seductress, Mistress of Darkness

Hello to my sexy fallen angels! I told you all a while ago that I was doing drag. Well the drag show came and went on November 18th of 2015. The drag show was called ComiQueens. The first portion was an anime/video game tournament while the second and last part was for the Queens. I played my role as Seductress, Mistress of Darkness!

My college is still currently editing the full video of ComiQueens but somehow, I was able to get 45 seconds of my performance from someone’s phone. Someday I will post the whole video as soon as I get my hands on it.

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading ­čÖé

Vulnerable Moments

Hello to my guarded fallen angels! Today was Christmas Day so instead of indulging in my self-pity, like I usually do, I decided to get out the house to hang out with some other young adults in DMHAS. The other clients are fake af. I don’t trust them at all. So the day started off with lunch at Home Town Buffet. I’m friendly with the girls like most gay men are but they were very odd today. It was the usual me-pretending-to-hit-on-them-to-make-the-guys-jealous bit. Dumbing-myself-down-to-associate-with-my-age-group bit. There was this one girl who was pregnant with her Nth child saying she was gonna plot to destroy one of her baby daddies. Yeah… what good is gonna come out of that, am I right? Geez… Then this other girl kept saying things in explicit detail about giving birth while I was eating. I didn’t like that. Also, the guys were observing me for some reason. I felt like the main attraction, “The Lone Homo Exhibit” and shit… I’m the only gay man in the whole program so the other guys usually avoid me or laugh at my dark, humorous jokes. The girls started talking about sex which is a topic I can definitely relate to. I indirectly mentioned that I do one-night-stands with guys I don’t know, which is true. They made these weird faces, even the guys, when I joked about it. So we can talk about nasty straight sex but the second I mention gay sex, it’s weird. And I know for a fact those bitches are hoes too. Today was very weird. Then at one point, I say it’s better off being single and alone but this one guy who knows me a tiny bit better than everyone else, replies that I actually hate being alone. I really didn’t like that for some reason. They kept watching me eat and commenting on every gesture or small movement I did. I usually complain about feeling invisible but maybe invisibility is a blessing and not a curse. I act so arrogant and bitchy around my peers and I was so in that zone that I forgot my “purse” (it’s really just one of those bags with a drawstring) when we left to go to the movie theatre. I was in the middle of watching the latest Star Wars movie when I suddenly realized my “purse” wasn’t on me. I went into the lobby to call one of the staff members to ask if they knew where my “purse” was. They assured me that they found it and put it in their state vehicle for me to get after the movie. The thing is, we all dispersed to watch different movies so our movies ended at different times. The staff I spoke to on the phone before I finished watching The Force Awakens called me back 8 times in a two minute timespan while my phone was on silent. I returned her call but she said she couldn’t wait for me any longer so she left. WTF, right? So the other staff member I’m actually a lot closer to was still in the movie theatre and there were several issues that occurred around the same time. I eventually got my “purse” back but still… Weird days like this makes me very grateful that I have an uneventful, dramaless, lonely life after all. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading ­čÖé

Truth Serum

When I was 6,

I wished I was a newborn,

When all I worried about was eating, sleeping,

And excreting waste,

 

When I was 10,

I wished I was 6,

When all I was afraid of was going to grade school for the first time

And missing my mom until I returned home,

 

When I was 14,

I wished I was 10,

When all I thought about were the terrifying times I spent alone with my stepdad

And missing my mom until she returned home,

 

When I was 18,

I wished I was 14,

When all I reminisced about was how I secretly enjoyed being abused like a masochist

And missing the only sexual escapade I had throughout my school years,

 

When I was 21,

I wished I was 18,

When I was forced to be exiled┬ábecause my mom thought my dad’s replacement made me gay

And hoping there was more to life than this,

 

When I am 30,

I will wish I was 21,

When all I can recall will be how my ex-fiance severely broke my heart

And how he wonderfully psychologically tormented me,

 

When I am 39,

I will wish I was 30,

When I’ll realize that I am the same age as when my first love left in peace

And left me in pieces,

 

When I am 50,

I will wish I was 39,

When I can remember fondly how agile and resilient I once was

And wondering how I didn’t kill myself a lot sooner

 

When I am 69,

I will not look back anymore,

For dementia will┬áconsume my mind’s occupancy leaving behind┬áthe fact that my age will be one of my favorite sexual positions

And in total relief that I will die any day now

 

 

 

 

*Make sure to take advantage of the eBook sale going on now! From now* until December 26th at 8:00PM, you can buy The Pandemonium Chronicles for only $0.99! (usually $2.99)

http://www.amazon.com/Pandemonium-Chronicles-Merge-between-Heaven-ebook/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=sr_1_1_twi_kin_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1450883498&sr=8-1&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

This sale is to celebrate the release of my new book, Trials and Tribulations!

http://www.amazon.com/Trials-Tribulations-Sufian-ebook/dp/B018ZR0IVA/ref=sr_1_43?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1450883658&sr=1-43&keywords=Trials+and+Tribulations

Kill Me With Kindness

Force me down,
Forge coal into sparkling diamonds,
For only the dead sees the end of a war,

Loaded weapons weigh me down,
Perhaps some wars are fought at home,
It would be an honor to surrender to you,

Longing my drafted patriarch brings me down,
MIA with your impossible mission,
While I endure another hero’s sweetest submission,

Your small soldier no longer bends me down,
I’m reborn at every moment,
Who knows who I’ll become hostage to next,

Your valiant service takes me down,
Shoot me international calls spontaneous,
And kill me with kindness

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading ­čÖé

Artificial Love

This nightclub seems so ominous,
But the way to you is crystal clear,
Why can’t fate confine the incubus?
Let’s escape the crowd with our souls to bare,

If you want,
We can type our lives away,
Or I can confess my intentions,
We can go to my place,

We can have the real thing,
Or just make artificial love,
We can have the real thing,
Or just make artificial love,
Time doesn’t mend broken hearts,
So let’s fill our empty voids tonight,
We can have the real thing,
Or just make artificial love

You’re killing me under these sheets,
I don’t have the balls to do it myself,
Using me until your ammo depletes,
Cus you grew bored of shooting yourself,

If you want,
We can cuddle after,
Let’s make believe you really care,
Before I leave with my ruffled up hair

We can have the real thing,
Or just make artificial love,
We can have the real thing,
Or just make artificial love,
Time doesn’t mend broken hearts,
So let’s fill our empty voids tonight,
We can have the real thing,
Or just make artificial love

In fear of another heartbreak,
I feign not having a heart at all,
Shattered glass pieced back together only forms a web of lies,
I know this isn’t love,
Red flags ebb like genocide,
For we rebuke the patience to have the real thing

So let’s just make artificial love

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading ­čÖé

Poking Fun

Idly standing by waiting for the bus

Lavishing autumn breeze imitating the dead

Only intangible images of an extinguished flame persists

Violet crowns tell me to let go or be dragged

 

Everybody is out to get me –

Yet another generalization

Over in the distance is a decaying vessel

Under the bushes someone abandoned herself

 

My intrigue grows exponentially

Observation leads to investigation

Reaching for a wooden stick

Early enough to notice her morning dew excite me

 

The one time I actually felt alive

Halt the despair before the Sun collects his due

Another addiction to my list

Never knew her but had saw her from time to time

 

Why did I decide to ignore her?

Heavy feelings swelled in her corset I stole

Anything to escape –

The status quo that kept me to myself

 

Scalp covered by the hair she bought prior to her best night

How could I have been so afraid?!

Under the canopy of a sudden truth

Men don’t know what beauty is anymore

 

A time to kill before the bus enforces mundane routine

Neighbors haven’t bothered to look up from their cell phones

Landlord just wanted her money to add on to the recession

Yard work needs to be done

 

 

People forget her as soon as she was done entertaining them

Obtained her fish nets to carry on her legacy

Simple attire bought from a sex shop

Suddenly the wind passed an oppressive ordinance

 

Identity crisis once prevented me from meeting her

Begone! They told me years ago in a comfortable classroom

Little did they know that I was one of a kind

Everyone loves an underdog