Leviathan

Are you here?
Do you see me
As I lay wading in the water?
I heard you could feel as I do.
I heard you’re here all the time.
Can you stay
until the shadows subside?
Please don’t give up on me!
It’s okay if you’re busy, I’m only human…
But you may be the only one who cares
Just enough to rescue me.

Is it so difficult to reach out?
Why won’t you just take me away?
Perhaps it’s not my time to go,
To be pulled up towards the sky, I sway.

Will your kingdom freeze over
If you allow yourself to fall apart as I do?
If you’re lonely up there all by yourself,
Like I have been my whole life,
Maybe I can save you too?

How can you be so powerful?
Why won’t you let the emptiness cave in?
Your mind is made up.
Your love, a complete mystery, it has been.

Or do you cry with me
As I try to end something that’s not yet finished?
Skipping pages,
skimmed but not yet read?
Paper cuts but not yet red...

Breath of Death

Entombed within the roots of the mother

Reaching for a star feeling smothered

She provides all the nutrients you need

But you choose not to breathe

For every breath is paradise

You crave an early demise

Succumb to the entrenched

In her tears you will be drenched

Pools of salted crimes

By men throughout time

Man can’t avoid being pulled into the earth

Only time keeps you from the demiurge

You do nothing but wait for termination

Reaching for a constellation

So desperate to abscond the truth

This miasma will be the death of you too

To The Family

Abuelo is in a much better place than we’ll ever know.
Heaven is infinitely times better than where we are now.
So don’t be sad, everyone.

Be happy that he found peace.
And lived a full life with our huge family who loves him limitlessly.
His soul escaped the confinement of his human vessel to reach unfathomable heights.

Anything in life can be perceived negatively or positively.
Let yourself grieve and take that journey from the darkness of loss to the light of acceptance.
I am here for you all.

I try to make you all laugh in the expense of my atonement.
I am truly honored to be your jester if it will make you feel better even just for a moment.
I love you all more than you’ll ever know.

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Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Through The Peephole

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Her eye spies through the peephole
Strange and unusual men
Exiting his home after they reach their goal,
Never to be seen again.

She had once thought
He was a good young man,
The one who lives across the hall.

They had once been very close
Until she became a nuisance.
Now he evades her like a ghost.

Her eye spies through the peephole
The police banging on his door.
It seems that the law has taken its toll
What were they here for him for?

She had once thought
He was a good young man,
The one who lives across the hall.

They were once there for each other
Until she went too far.
Now he doesn’t even bother.

Her eye spies through the peephole
As he leaves behind his chamber
To live his life playing an innocent role,
Fooling others like he fooled her.

She had once thought
He was a good young man,
The one who lives across the hall.

They were once best friends
Until he moved on from her.
Now her ancient life descends.

So her eye spies through the peephole
Because it’s all she’ll ever see.
Her golden years are lonely and dull
While his life is wild and free.

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Second Best

Hello to my courageous fallen angels! Lately I’ve been talking to a new romantic interest for the first time in two years (apart from my married friend with benefits and that guy from PRIDE club who led me on the whole time just to tell me he already had a boyfriend), but this time, it finally seems to be mutual.

If you have been following me for a while, you’ll know that I was once engaged to my ex-fiance. I proposed to a man twice my age because I really loved him, but our relationship was shaky from the start. He was living with an ex of his when we first met. He was condescending and controlling. He was so handsome and charming.  Only God knows what The Narcissist did behind my back. It terrified me how much I cared for him. I gave up my beliefs, my morals, and my dreams when I fell in love with him. I always told myself that if things didn’t work out with him, I would forever be condemned to settle for second best. Perhaps I jinxed myself when I placed him on a metaphorical pedestal. After all this time, thoughts of him still plague my mind at night, and tearing at my insides like a savage hunger. I look back and I realize that there were so many red flags that I refused to see. I had to let him go. He had total power over me, but enough was enough. The hardest thing I ever did was walk away from a man that I’m still, to this day, madly in love with.

Now with this new guy, I feel awful for even thinking that he’ll never compare to my ex-fiance. That I’ll never love him or anyone else, for that matter, ever again. But I need to give him a chance. He doesn’t have to compare to my ex, but he can be a different, more healthy romance.

I have been on my own for so long though. I have forgotten what love and desire even feels like in this chronic loneliness. I feel so dead inside. Like I’m just half-alive, going through the subtle waves of life until my inevitable and anticipated demise.

I was disowned by my family on my 18th birthday. But even before that, I had a feeling my mother stopped caring about me once I came out at 14 because she was a devout muslim and homosexuality was the devil to her. She probably planned my abandonment for the following four years. I was homeless, then I lived in a halfway house, and now I have my own apartment. For the first time, I’m paying bills, attending college as a full-time student, and looking for a new job. So technically, I don’t really need anyone. It’s just that there are so many lonely nights and all the one night stands I lost count of from those gay hookups apps are never enough. Artificial love isn’t as good as the real thing.

At this point, being in a relationship will result in me being either too clingy or too guarded. Honestly, I’d rather be too guarded if those were my only two options. I would like to at least keep my pride intact if nothing else.

It takes courage to open yourself up to someone after a heartbreak that you can very well never fully get over. But I can’t live like this anymore. If I find out he’s not as good a person as I’d like him to be, then I don’t have to put up with any shit from him or anyone else. I see more clearly now. Blindness and love are no longer synonymous terms. I love myself more than anyone else ever will. I am the only constant variable in my life. Everyone else tends to fade away after a while. I can’t get attached again… I just can’t….

What is a healthy relationship? I don’t know but maybe I’ll find out someday. If it’s not him, it’s someone else, right? See? I’m such a pessimist. I’m already planning on what to do if things go wrong with this new guy.

Well, wish me luck, my fallen angels! Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Salvation IX

I         II       III       IV       V       VI      VII       VIII

Peering at life through a keyhole,
You’re more refined than you’ve ever been before,
But you still have more wisdom and experience to acquire.
Trembling like a god,
Holding up half the sky to say
That you can’t do it on your own.
Just because you stumble and lose your way,
It doesn’t mean you’re lost forever.
Sometimes we all need a little help.
Compassion makes you chary.
Yet you still can see beyond the walls
They made their homes from their pasts many years ago.
Their torment overwhelms you.
It seems easier to give in to the mayhem you uncover,
But it’s not their pain you’re afraid of,
It’s your own.
And as frightening as that may be,
That desolation will make you stronger.
If you allow yourself to intuit the sorrow –
Encompass it –
It will make you more powerful than you can ever imagine.
It’s the most cogent gift to have,
To bear their agony without falling apart,
And resilient empathy is born from the most human power…
Hope.

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

No One Told Me

No one told me
We’re all diamonds
Taking shape
Everyday

No one told me
My reach extends far
Everything I want
Is just a dream away

No one told me
We sporadically permeate
Playing freely
Like stars in the night

No one told me
We all enthrall such precious magic
Brewing beauty in its depths
And that it can stay

No one told me
Under all this pressure
Under all this weight
Paradise isn’t just surreal

No one told me
We are all legends
We all need each other
Loneliness isn’t real

No one told me
I don’t have to die by sunlight
Only I own me
And that’s okay, my friend

No one told me
We only live once
In this grand adventure
You make me feel alive again

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Mania I

I’m so sick of people in general. I bet no one would like this post. Maybe now you will because I bet you would’t. You just wanna prove me wrong, huh? Perhaps I just want to get attention. That would explain why I’m posting this on a public domain. But no one cares. Even if you like it, you still don’t care. Likes are meaningless. Comments are meaningless. I don’t give a fuck about your opinion unless it strokes my ego. Even then it’s not enough. It’s never enough. What are we living for? To pay bills? Fornicate? Consume food? Earn money to further fuel your hedonistic ways? Fuck this. The only reason I’m still alive is because I don’t have the balls to kill myself. FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!! If you made it this far, congratulations for nothing. Because only I exist and you are all just a figment of my imagination, both unknown and repressed. Seek sacrilege from an undeniable, corruptible society in which everything is labeled for your own selfish needs. The human race is doomed to hell for eternity. If you’re not benefiting me in any way, whether it’s money or sex or connections, then you are nothing to me. But why do you care? I’m just another human being suffering on this wretched planet. What’s the point of anything? What’s the point of subjection and free will when it just leaves you all alone? Seeing the remnants of family members during holidays just to not feel alone one day of the year. Where’s Jesus? Where’s God? Where’s anything holy in this cataclysmic world we all just happen to occupy? Let the end of the world commence in unholy communion. I don’t give a fuck!!!! Do you love my writing style? insert meaningless heart here: ❤

Between Two Neighbors

 

To my right lives Esperanza:

Something about her summons the demon within me as we raze hell

Is it her skin,

So alabaster –

As if she doesn’t have an expiration date?

Or is it her obsidian curls –

Tendrils of darkness drawing me into her world?

Whatever it is,

Esperanza bangs her pots and pans every night

To deafening and ostentatious music

But I’m too afraid to confront her about it…

 

To my left lives Alegria:

Something about her ascends the angel within me into the gates of heaven

Is it her skin,

So suntanned –

As if she traveled the world and lived to the fullest?

Or is it her blonde braids –

Bright ropes pulling me into her world?

Whatever it is,

Alegria meditates with her back against the wall every night

To peaceful and amicable music

But I’m too afraid to commend her on it…

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Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Walking on Water

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Savage winds were sirens
beckoning me to die
Ghastly lightning strikes
Pinned me down near the oars
They plunged into the briny deep
Laughing thunder mocked my helpless cries
I screamed in agony
So sure of my demise
Lo and behold!
Beneath the stormy clouds was a standing man
He wore a shimmering ivory gown
With hair a trough of milk chocolate trails
“Do you have faith in me?” He asked as if I can
Despite this chaotic typhoon brewing
I honestly answered in affirmation
So he extended his right arm
He announced for me to walk towards him
Goosebumps coiled around my arms in response
A flash of undeniable beauty
Relinquished all doubt
So I tentatively placed my right foot forward
Onto the ocean’s surface
And removed the other
From the canoe’s uncertainty
Now I was a standing man
Gazing fondly at the original
My eyes never veered away from him
His exuberance negated disorder
Waves were crashing all about
Yet now the natural world respected me
Until fear pulled its hold on me once more
I began to panic and shriek
Pausing midway to close my eyes
Enprisoning my soul within my gates again
Old habits die hard
Longer than a blink
I awoke on a ship
Recalling a lustrous illusion
Gone but true

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian