Salvation VII

Salvation I     Salvation II     Salvation III    Salvation IV    Salvation V     Salvation VI

There will always only be one such existence as yourself.
You are nobody else…
That is why everything you do –
Or touch
Or construct
Or modify
– is something only you and you alone could have done.
Just by breathing,
even if just a little,
you changed the world around you for the better.
You may be despondent,
but the world you live in will continue to go on.
The home to this insane and magnificent guild –
the world that your life itself has changed,
no matter how paltry.
You exist as a fragile,
porcelain gear amongst many within the turning of the world clock.
A person’s life isn’t defined by grand accomplishments.
There’s no need to further pursue a timeless quest to justify your existence,
Or anyone else’s for that matter…
You are alive!
Does that not itself give meaning to your life?

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A Short Sabbatical

Hello to my living fallen angels! I got discharged from a psych ward for the millionth time the other day. I tried to commit suicide once again. I overdosed last week and I was sure that I would finally die this time around because I took a lot of pills and chased them down with some cough syrup. I’m very disappointed that I survived but I know there’s a small part of me that is glad I did. If I honestly 100% wanted to die, then I could jump in front of a train or jump off a certain 11-floor building… It turns out that I kinda wanna live. I was overdue for a vacation and my local psych ward was just the place to unwind and heal from the stressors that make up the majority of my existence. I made a lot of great friends at the hospital. It seems like the mental health system is where I make all my friends worth staying in touch with. I don’t have much in common with Normies (people who were never in the mental health system and are therefore deemed “normal”) so I tend not to establish friendships with them. I realize my light side is just as influential to my life as my dark side is. I have a lot going for me. I’m pursuing a career in Psychology through college. I work as a suicide hotline operator (ironic, isn’t it?) and that opens the door for joining Recovery University, where I can further indulge in my chosen field. I want to be a mental health psychologist. That way, I could still be in the ambience of the hospital without being a patient. Two distinct halves of me learned to balance in equilibrium. One being that “if I ever found out I had cancer, I honestly would feel relieved.” The other being that “we’re all human subjected to trials and tribulations and I can’t find it in me to hate or hold grudges against anyone.” Anyway, now I’m just trying to get back into the grooves and patterns of my everyday life again. I love you all, my fallen angels! We are doing the best we can! Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

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Daddy

There’s a darkness inside of us. People notice it right away. However, it’s a kind of darkness that doesn’t attempt to destroy our light but rather, the darkness preserves it. It’s hard to laugh and it’s hard to smile but when we do, we shine the brightest. We have both done very horrible things to people in psychological response to our own traumas. Naturally, people tend to deviate from our lives slowly but surely until the loneliness becomes the only thing that’s real. Yet the loneliness isn’t real at all. Although I haven’t seen you in years, we do talk from time to time.You are one of the last remaining people in this whole world that I truly love. Even though I got my bad luck from you, I also inherited your big heart, your emotional resilience, and your good looks. We are beautiful people so misunderstood and wrongfully misjudged. I am so proud to be your son. I understand why you left and I have faith that you’ll return. I love you with every inch of my heart and soul. Now and forever more.

Salvation V

No one is worthless.
We all play a key role in this material world outside The Cave.
No one is doltish.
An area of expertise to you may render someone else incapable.
Your IQ points may weigh a ton but there’s no room in that grandiose brain of yours for social skills.
But the person sitting beside you on the bus has so many friends yet fail every test you perceive as effortless.
No one is incompetent.
We can learn so much from each other if we just set aside our differences.
Let’s allow ourselves to fill in the gaps of our imperfections with someone else’s talents while their inadequacies alleivate the burden of your beautiful, lonesome mind.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Let’s be negative!

Hello to my negative fallen angels! I’m gonna talk some real shit today because I genuinely don’t give a fuck and I need to vent. I can’t see my therapist this week because of stupid ass Thanksgiving. This is the time of the month my food stamps are gone and people make plans with me and then ditch me at the last minute. So when people ask me what I’m doing for Thanksgiving, I say starving and contemplating suicide. Lol. I hate the holiday season! More like Suicide Season! I’m the fucking love child of Mr. Scrooge and the Grinch. There’s always those dumbass Christmas specials on TV and annoying children getting spoiled and becoming worse and worse every year. I can’t do yoga or meditation as well as my empathic rituals barefooted at my local park because now it’s too cold outside. My ex-fiance’s birthday is in December too. And my crush keeps hanging me on a hook. I hate this shit! Ungrateful people smiling and laughing in each other’s company as if they give a fuck about each other. I have no faith nor expectations in other people anymore so when someone fails to comply, I am not disappointed. Loneliness is the realest thing there is and I must be content with the darkness that is mankind. My boss is fake too! Warmline ain’t shit! No one’s calling and she’s a condescending bitch! It’s a fake job led by a fake person. I bet she was one of those blonde cheerleaders who gossip and pour pig’s blood on dark beauty queens. The kind of girl in high school whose boyfriend I fucked last night. I’m trying to get a real job but I guess no one is really hiring. Lol. My brother is getting back with his bitch ass fiance so I’m not talking to him anytime soon. I hope the world ends soon though. It sucked when mankind continued to live past 2012. I mention 2012 a lot but seriously, I was SO FUCKING DISAPPOINTED THAT THE END OF THE WORLD NEVER HAPPENED! Humans don’t deserve to live. Whatever. I gotta wait it out, I guess. I have been working out three times a week but I’m still curvy as fuck. I really enjoyed doing drag last Wednesday though. I have pictures and wrote a draft for my post about my alter-drag ego, Seductress. However, the video for ComiQueens is still in the works of being edited. So once I gather pics and vids, I will post it immediately. And my church family is pretty cool. So maybe there are a few reasons to continue tolerating living amongst human beings as an alien attempting but failing to take over the world time and time again. No one in my life bothers reading my blog, but even if they did… oh wells! The infamous One-Eyed Angel resumes his existence in pursuit of a fabled salvation. Wish me luck and I will wish you luck too – as if that matters at all. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

The Lazarus Pit

Rusted metal head my splintered morning wood garner,
I unearth my backyard without a peep from the childhood pets now owned by a farmer.
Nevertheless a howling wind opposes my venture,
For I discovered the Lazarus Pit when I set aside my childish ways.
This is what it’s like to set aside my childish ways.
Toys that once distracted me I now bury deeper into life.

An angel fell dead at my feet in the middle of the night.
The blinds casted forth black and white stripes on its ethereal form ‘fore moonlight.
I waited ’til the Sun reclaimed his throne and ’til a cat got my tongue, As if nothing in this world was any better in the midst of it all.
Ceasing such beauty must be better in the midst of it all.
Liquid gold I let exalt me I now bury deeper into life.

His name served no purpose now that his soul contract has expired.
I recall he hugged my knees to beg for me to play with him but I was so tired.
This shovel must be held with gardening gloves modeled after the desperate damsel ‘fore me;
Unkindly strown on calloused hands to get the job done right.
Bragging ’bout a dismembered servant to get the job done right.
Untold mystery I tend to share I now bury deeper into life.

Sacrifice is all it took to rid myself of such ridicule.
Bugs from animal carcasses attached themselves onto the toys and their cadaver who was mistaken for a fool,
‘Tis I, longing a mate to aid me in digging a grave that’ll someday be robbed.
Black sludge isn’t praised for it’s easier to digest.
Desire relapse every night thus far for it’s easier to digest.
Dreams I yearn to dream I now bury deeper into life.

Just as I predicted with dark magic I try to prove is real,
My toys and my precedence rose from Gaia in a way that made me glad of the other end of the deal.
It went too far, however, or perhaps not far enough.
Soulless solace didn’t repel the bugs that were found scavenging my past,
As if I have control of who was found scavenging my past.
There is no fear that let me die as I now bury deeper into life.

I asked my mother where do babies come from.
She told me a stork drops them off but she killed it because it was so dumb.
I never agreed with her ’til now.
Bringing children into this world should be a crime.
Madness and despair that makes up this world should be a crime.
Toys and angels are forfeited by a regretful child as I now bury deeper into life.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

An Angel’s Awakening (A-CUBED)

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Good morning to my blessed fallen angels! I finally got baptized today! It’s been long-awaited. (Aww! Look at me in my church clothes as opposed to my gothic garb.) I’m officially an Episcopalian now! I love my church family! I love God! People can disappoint me, betray me, neglect me, abuse me, avoid me, judge me, use me, and hurt me but I’m so happy to give myself up to The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit. I never have to worry about God doing any of those things to me that people have done time and time again. It’s all trials and tribulations. It’s expected to go through hardship in life in one way or another. I am definitely not an exception to that biblical rule. I have no regrets, no held grudges, and no hatred towards anyone or anything. Everything I have been through (“The Sufie Saga”) led me to this moment. My mother told me I made her depressed and that she should’ve aborted me, but I forgive her. The only man I have ever loved (so far…) broke my heart in ways I never thought was humanly possible, but I forgive him too. I’m so emotionally resilient. I have been abused physically, mentally, sexually, emotionally, and even spiritually (by a psychic Narcissist). However, I still manage to get out of bed in the morning, smile, laugh (sometimes manically), and uphold my daily responsibilities. Three weeks from now, I’m starting acolyte training to someday become a priest. I’m also in college to be a therapist for people with mental health problems. And I garner spiritual abilities of my own. Just yesterday, I was contemplating killing myself, but it’s amazing how God can save me just when I feel like giving up. I am going to help and heal a lot of people! I’m gonna make this world a better place than when I found it! On the other hand, I will still don the name, The One-Eyed Angel because this darkness infested with depression and rage will always be a part of me. It has helped me survive through the worst of times and helped me appreciate with ultimate gratitude the best of times. All emotions are temporary, both good and bad. I know I’m not gonna feel this happiness consistently for the rest of my life, but I accept that simply because I must accept that. Although I don’t have any close friends or family members who went to my baptism today, I have acknowledged already that my life is a lonely one so no surprises that no one outside my church family came today. I’m okay though. There must be some valid reason God didn’t place too many people in my life. Some can handle society while some can’t. To each his own. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

One Bad Day

I sat confined within the metal bars compressing me to a condensed version of an ambivalent world. Psychologist-infested daily routines didn’t always comprise my life’s entirety. It only took one bad day to rid me of my innocence forever.
Shadows spilled underneath my cot, behind the rusted toilet several paces away, and they ran away from the fluorescent lights twitching out in the corridor.
Red eyes glowed at night to accompany the darkness I fed earnestly throughout the day. It was an effective way to lose weight.
Years passed and so has three in-mates that took the pleasure of being my roommate. It came to the point where my past branched off into infinite alternate realities. That happens when you reach a certain age. Memories evolve into better or worse things depending on your mood.
I haven’t been outside since I moved in. The normies in their hospital scrubs always shut out the outside because I don’t deserve it anymore. All the other Malvolos lost their rights to freedom too, they kid around with me.
At a certain time of day, the leader of the normies announce from the walls that the lights must go out. We retreat back into our catacombs while being driven out of the community room like cattle.
I don’t bother talking to the other outsiders because I sleep alone regardless. Nothing new happened since The Assault. So I laid in the dark letting the last remnants of my eluded past reframe my dreams once more.
The Sun always radiates as bright as I remember. Maybe it was a tad bit brighter back then. The birds chirp as they perch themselves onto the trees my mother constantly refused to cut down. Her baby blue car is warming up in the driveway. My older brother (always was taller than me) sits in the front seat while my mother says her goodbyes to my stepdad. She is plotting against me with him. Then she glances at me, massaging her back and leaning on her scepter, and asks me if I’m positively sure if I want to stay at home instead of going with them to the local supermarket. I assure her that grocery shopping with her was as boring as school.
Then suddenly it’s nighttime and I skip forward past the awkward stage of puberty into the fathoms of adulthood. I’m closing up shop. Putting away spare boxes into the complacent shelves. I walk up to the entryway door to transform the “come on in, we’re open” sign to the “sorry, we’re closed” sign. But there’s this really sexy twink knocking softly on the glass. I yell out that we’re closed but he insisted on coming in to talk to me. He wants me to do it to him, I’m positive.
So the car drives itself away like fate so anxiously wanting to lay down its foundation. I give a quick smile to my stepdad just to be polite before going into my room to play some videogames. But that smile I flash at him is a green light for him to pursue me.
I lead him to my office in the basement where I let the cobwebs materialize out of thin air. The young man looks so happy with his manila folder (most likely holding his resume) gently against his chest. He says he heard a lot about me from the press and assures me that he wants nothing more than to work for me.
I just want to go home. But he sits down across from me. He unzips his white jacket, beckoning me to admire his physique. Then he carefully hangs his hoodie on my coat rack. His shirt is a v-neck. The young man has tempting-looking chest hair. It is more than obvious that he yearns for my touch.
He knocks on my door and told me to help him clean up the house to surprise my mother when she gets home. I reply if he pays me money, I’ll do whatever he wants me to do. My stepdad giggles playfully as he barges into my room and unplugs my game console. That is the last straw. He answers my unexisting plea to take away my virginity. It sucks cus the least he can do is pay me afterwards but sometimes he doesn’t.
I get up soon after the young man sat down to lock my office door for privacy from my employees who went to their respective homes an hour before. I tell him that I’m not currently hiring at this point in time but I can reconsider if he admits he’ll do anything if I pay him to do it. I stole his smile. A scared expression is left behind on his face while I tear his smile off his porcelain face.
Masturbation had lost its fun since I no longer had an audience. The buzzing of the night light kept me up all night long. I didn’t sleep a wink. I crack myself up sometimes as my laughter fills the empty void. Just when I think I lost my mind entirely, I lose it a little bit more. I can no longer plant this seed anywhere other than my bedsheets. My bed wanted me to cultivate this undead garden, hardening along with the red eyes across the room reminding me that I had an audience after all. A sexy doctor peeked into my room, beckoning me to take his smile away from him too.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Severed Cords

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Crawling blades of grass,
Plummeting plateau,
Bubbling suds cascading down,
Briny depths await below,
Aquatic departure,
Pristine submission,
Wooden pier,
Viridescent canoe,
Fishermen’s knot,
Man rolls luggage,
Wheels skip boastfully,
Schoolboy jolting towards the playground,
Eager to abscond the miasma,
From the reason he was animated,
To the denouement of my misery,
Belongings thrown posthaste,
Onto the adjacent side,
Machete poised and ready,
Sever the noose attached,
Unplug the silver cord that lost its spark,
Snatch oars in arms’ reach,
Row towards the new horizon,
Mistaken for vintage,
Imagery shrinkage,
Implosion internal bleeding,
Water’s surface spread pastel,
Violet and indigo and cerulean,
Darkest before the dawn,
For water knows no drink,
Apollo peeks prior its peak,
Rubicund and saffron and topaz too,
Hope exists regardless of where you are

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

In distress

Part two of Damsel

A stained piece of parchment had been delivered to the king’s residence. A servant, whose domain was the front lobby, found it odd that the letter had nothing written on the outside. Usually a note’s exterior donned the name of who it’s from and who it’s addressed to. A turquoise insignia was melted onto the paper to seal it securely. He immediately made his way through the radiant labyrinth of mess halls he knew so well after 15 years on the job.
Upon entering the king’s chambers, the servant still clasped the bronze doorknob even after the fact to see the queen nursing herself back to health again. Her face was painted black and blue from a palette of limited colors. She gasped at the sound of the doorhinges being swung on its axis in fear of her loving tormentor.
Oh dear, he thought to himself, the king is drunken on the shipment of ale that arrived early this morning…. So he went by her side, standing near the window outlooking the courtyard in the center of the kingdom’s folly. Perhaps this letter held the contents of news that could cheer her up, the servant thought to himself before nonchalantly handing it to her.
A quick smile flashed on his face for just a split second like most people do when they sympathize with someone. But the queen didn’t imitate it for she wasn’t as positive and hopeful as he was.
A letter opener had been picked up off her husband’s study to carefully unfasten the piece of parchment. Together they both peered at the words scribbled in haste saying, “Have you wondered where your daughter was all day? In case you were, I’ll have you know I have your precious little girl. Meet me at the dock in Cape Forke by dawn with one million shillings or your kingdom will suffer a great loss.”
No! Terror was paved on her face. Tears streamed down in waves. Her manservant lended his royal highness his handkerchief before beginning his departure to find the king for aid. But she already knew this and forcefully grabbed his arm and shook her head fast.
Instead of alerting the king of the sudden leap of absence, they managed to make it to the vault where all their gold and other worldly possessions stayed covered in dust. The queen filled up bags and bags of shillings as the servant held a wheelbarrow in place until there was as much as the kidnapper desired. All while the queen snifled every few seconds in realization that her daughter was in grave danger! As if she wasn’t already under the king’s rule.
Both of them stealthily journeyed through the halls without getting detected by another soul. The queen eventually reached the back doorway trailing behind her servant before lightly closing the doors behind her. But incidentally, they were left open just a crack.
Dawn neared its approach into that day’s existence. The zenith of darkness before light would encase their world once more. The wheels of the wooden wheelbarrow skipped on the planks on the dock like a schoolboy skipping towards the playground. Once they nearly reached the outstretched hand of the Cape, they stopped midway before a ship pulled into view. The woodsman tied his boat onto the dock’s edge.
The queen and her only friend watched anxiously as the mysterious man rudely ushered his captive into plain sight. A sob held in since opening the ransom note rushed out of the mother’s mouth in uncontrollable bursts. Isra wasn’t even crying nor struggling for her freedom, however. So at once, the servant began to make his way to the kidnapper with that he was requested to give him.
Suddenly, the Sun finally managed to peek out into view, blinding the criminal temporarily. Isra snatched the dagger from his makeshift robe-belt, stabbed the evil man square in his chest, grabbed the wheelbarrow and all its contents, ran back onto the boat, and cut the robe tying her to her past before sailing away.
The mother yelled fearfully, reaching her hand out towards the distant ship sailing off into the horizon, her hope getting smaller and smaller until it disappeared altogether. She would have probably dived into the ocean if it wasn’t for her manservant holding her back. So the queen sink onto her bruised knees with a yelp of pain, fully aware that she had to go back to the king empty handed.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂