To Each His Own

To each his own. At one point in American History, black people were considered 3/5 of a person, women were nothing without a man, and gay marriage wasn’t legal until recently. So what stops anything from becoming the norm? Nudists or polyanimous marriages or even a utopian society can become the norm someday. Whether we’re alive to witness it happen or not is completely irrelevant. I’m miserable, but who honestly gives a fuck?

Hello to my unique fallen angels! I am so miserable. For a long time, I thought my misery stemmed from my ex or my past family drama. However, I forgave all of them a while ago. I’m indifferent towards them. I don’t even care enough to hate them or hold grudges against them. I get it. I don’t really have any family left. My ex moved on from me. It’s fine, really. This misery I feel is something totally different. You see, I’m a very simple man. As long as I have a roof over my head, food, clothes, and an ambience of safety, I’m good. I don’t care about name brands or what people think about me. Everyone is dealing with their own internal struggles. I go to college, work, the gym, and church but I don’t feel like anything I do amounts to anything truly important. I don’t feel inadequate though. My IQ is in the 140s so that’s not bad at all. I’m starting to think maybe life is too easy. That the “luxurious things in life” are just extra. As long as I can pay my bills and have some money left over to try to cheer myself up, I’m okay. I’m so bored with my life. I have been putting myself out there more and maintaining friendships yet it’s only a fleeting happiness that merely comes and goes without my consent. I am so miserable that I’m becoming physically sick.

I tend to compare myself to Ernest Hemingway a lot. A very intelligent man who was so intelligent that he couldn’t find the means to feel understood and couldn’t connect with other people. He ending up dying by his own volition just like so many other brilliant minds. They say humans are social creatures. Human nature doesn’t exist. There are two sides of me constantly upset with one another. One is like “what’s the point of interacting with other people outside the realm of vested interest?” While the other half is like “people bring out the best in me so why don’t I surround myself with them as much as possible?” I tend to see it so black and white.

I actually got offered to do drag again for this Thursday coming up but I’m not as excited as when I started doing drag. Perhaps the feeling will come back when the moment comes and goes.

I don’t know. I don’t understand how I can make people care about me. I don’t get how anyone can have time for anyone else. We’re always working or busy doing something or sleeping so how does one form a meaningful connection with another person? Do I even care? I must if I’m asking. Life is dull and lonely. It may just be my personal experiences but I notice that no matter if someone has a lot of money or not, or if someone has a lot of friends or not, or even if someone is famous or not, everyone is suffering one way or another. There’s no need for jealousy. Maybe this human life is a mere preliminary of something far more greater. Heaven and Hell? Something else? I don’t know… who the hell does?

I live my life utilizing superlatives and generalizations to indulge in my self-loathing. I find myself being void of all emotion – the good and the bad. I don’t care enough to hate anyone and love is too hard to come by. I do honestly believe that I felt happiest when I was with my ex-fiance. I hope he’s okay. I hope my mom’s okay. Despite everything, I’m indifferent. It’s hard to explain the feeling I’m trying to convey right now in this post.

No two people can ever have the same human experience. Our five senses of exceptionally unique. I believe that is why everyone has a different favorite food or color or kind of music (etc.). Each person garners a completely unique human experience. So what does it matter if I try to express my feelings for anything? We only blog to vent or to promote while only interacting with other blogs to better our own blogs. Hedonism and selfishness at its finest. No one likes to admit that they primarily do things for their own vested interest.

Loneliness is a state of mind, not of matter. No matter how many other people I try to be around or parties I attend, it’s all the same. This chronic loneliness is becoming a medical condition. I don’t care. Sometimes I think to myself that if I was diagnosed with cancer today, I would be relieved. I don’t fear death. I have tried to kill myself over a dozen times in my life but obviously I’m not good at it. So I gave up on giving up. I’ll just go through the motions, the ebb and flow of life. Whatever happens happens. I don’t care.

Perhaps God doesn’t exist after all. What a horrible thing to say considering that I got baptized just a few months ago. I know things can always get worse regardless.

I don’t get why so many people judge each other on their sexual orientation or religion or race. Who gives a fuck?

Who says I have to be diagnosed with major depression? A doctor that never been through it themselves? What if I’m the messiah or if I’ll be the first person to answer life’s questions? Or what if I’m just another person living in this world until Death comes to take me somewhere better and new?

Whatever anything ever is, simply is. So thanks for lasting this long and have a wonderful day! Over and out.

From victim to savior

Good afternoon to my evolving fallen angels! How have you all been? So today, I’m going to elaborate further on my theory that life is a play. Early on in my life, I would check myself into psych wards just to get away from the extensive amounts of abuse that took place in my childhood home and suicide hotlines were on speed dial when I was bored and racing thoughts morphed into suicidal ones. Now I am proud to say that I was hired yesterday to be the one picking up distress calls for a suicide warmline. It’s a step below the seriousness of a hotline. Warmlines are for people who feel lonely or suicidal but it isn’t necessarily a crisis. It’s good for someone who just needs to talk and vent to a confidant when they can’t get in touch with their clinician. I start work Monday! Wow! I’ve come a long way! I went from being a chronic victim to becoming a savior. I never pictured myself being the one trying to talk someone out of suicide. Life composes of a troupe of actors. Every human born into this world becomes an actor or actress pursuing their own journey. On a human standpoint, I don’t even get along with the majority of people in my prayers but at a spiritual level, I must care about everyone. I have to. We’re all playing our roles the way God wants us too. I can’t make Batman and Joker get along but I can acknowledge and appreciate the storyline set in place of their rivalry all these years. I played the role of martyr for far too long but I was not meant to play that role forever. Thank you, Jesus! God alters my role whenever He thinks I’m ready. I believe there are two eras in my life. Pre-ex and Post-ex. Before Heartbreak and Innocence Lost. BH and IL. I think if I ever bumped into my ex on the street, I would shake his hand and thank him because I have endured and gained so much knowledge, wisdom, and insight. No pain, no gain. I accept that he’s gone. He played his role of the heartbreaker and his act is finished. Unlike a lot of people in my life, I have the ability to forgive and turn the page of a story that has long since found a home. This topic reminds me of a passage in the Bible from the Corinthians.

“Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NIV)

Someday when I have extra money to spend, I’m getting this quote as a tattoo sleeve for my right arm. All my weaknesses makes me strong. All my imperfections makes me a relatable character. I’m not ashamed of my past for everything I have been through led me to this moment. Psychology major. Suicide warmline operator. Published author. Empath. Body-builder. I am capable of anything I set my mind to. No one can tell me I’m hopeless anymore. Not my mother or my ex or my former therapists. I am the Archangel and I must lead my fallen angels into victory. Have a wonderful day and good luck on your personal endeavors! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

103 ways I love the world

This is my 103rd blog post! So this time around, I thought it would help me see the world more positively if I list 103 simple things I love about life. Maybe you can do the same sometime as your own personal blog post. Alright, my fallen angels, here we go:

1. Pizza! (It’s my kryptonite! I can resist any other food but this one!)
2. Taking a shower (it’s an underappreciated luxury!)
3. Drinking lots of water (it is so good for you! Drinking nice, cold water on a summer day is heaven!)
4. Sex (c’mon, we all feel the same way! I knew this was gonna be in this list so I got that out of the way now.)
5. Walking (clears your mind and it’s moderate exercise. Win-win in my book lol.)
6. Smiling at strangers (either they smile back or they look at me funny. It’s great either way!)
7. Listening to music (music is a powerful influence on the soul. Very impressionable…)
8. Air-Conditioning (it’s summer where I’m at and it’s hard not to appreciate my AC right now.)
9. Pets (my cat, Silly, is the only living being I know as of now who loves me unconditionally. Animals are better than humans in that regard.)
10. State benefits (it has been so hard for me to find a summer job so I’m so grateful that I can still pay my bills every month.)
11. Microwave Ovens (it’s so easy to cook things with this valuable household item).
12. Television sets (I should have just said TV, but I said it now so now what? Lol)
13. Parks (playgrounds, grassy fields, and naive children playing blissfully)
14. Skinny jeans (i look bangin’ in tight clothes, at least my legs do. Ha!)
15. Gym Memberships (cheap, effective, and got me looking the best I’ve ever been.)
16. Libraries  (so much knowledge in one building! I wanna just soak up all the wisdom like a sponge!)
17. Music (so many genres to fit into every category of minorities.)
18. Comic books (anyone who relies on only mainstream superhero movies are missing out on so much…)
19. Financial aid  (I am so grateful that i can go to college without paying out of pocket.)
20. Bread and other addicting carbs (so good yet my midsection… well it speaks for itself)
21. Jockstraps  (the perfect aphrodisiac… in my opinion at least lol)
22. Getting good grades in school  (nothing is more satisfying than earning an A honestly)
23. Physical therapy  (people’s bodies are aching and I am no exception)
24. Psychological therapy  (everyone should have a therapist cus they are the only people you can spill your guts to without worrying about betrayal)
25. Money (do i need to explain?)
26. Weed (gives my empathy a rest and i can’t stop laughing)
27. Sleeping (Heals your body and sets your mind free)
28. Theatre (performing arts awakens something dormant in myself)
29. Spare change jar (any chump change I have goes into the jar until i need it most)
30. Savings account (an upgraded version of a spare change jar)
31. Love (i have so much love to give and no one to give it to… so far)
32. Church (every Sunday i enrich my spirit and let my guard down just a tad)
33. Chivalry  (it’s currently in a coma but i have faith that it’ll wake up again)
34. Meditation (clear your mind and ignore all negative glances from ignorant onlookers)
35. Cell phones (no more cords and home phones are rare nowadays… but that’s not news)
36. Constructive criticism  (without it, i would continue being obsolete)
37. Hardship (the only thing in life that makes me stronger than ever before.)
38. Compliments  (not as effective as constructive criticism but feels better in the moment.)
39. 80’s ambience  (i think i should have been born in the 70’s to fully experience the 80’s. woulda coulda shoulda…)
40. Latin men (John Leguizamo, etc….)
41. Disney (corrupt as all hell but apparently we still can’t live without it.)
42. Advertisements (they can be so annoying but trust me when I say we are better having them than not having them.)
43. Independence (i can walk around naked in my apartment or stay up as late as i want. I am now in control of my life.)
44. Personal growth  (I’m not the same person I was before. I believe today is stronger than yesterday.)
45. The Sun (it may be extremely hot out this Summer but the Sun is vital for our existence.)
46. Remote controls (Americans can place blame on this invention for being fat and lazy too! Ha!)
47. Social media  (i don’t fall victim to the illusion that followers=friends but it’s great for advertising)
48. Jerry Springer (glad I can watch like this so I can be grateful that I am single.)
49. Fitness (i never felt more alive. I can do a split, touch my toes, and do a bridge!)
50. Literature (it would have made sense to put this one in the beginning but I’m winging it as I go along so bear with me.)
51. Aliens (they give me hope that the human race is not confined to limited space and time.)
52. Charities (hope in the form of selfless acts and Robin-hood-morals.)
53. Martial arts  (physical discipline only a few can tolerate and escape from victimhood.)
54. Silence  (it screams the truth, the only thing i wanna hear)
55. Coffee hour (a nice, relaxing time with the church family)
56. Sprinklers (dancing in the water to the beat of my own laughter.)
57. Texting (a conversation void of all emotions, just the way i like it)
58. Stretching  (works wonders before a work out. Don’t skip it!)
59. Cuddling (it’s so cute! Love and warm skin, enticing preliminaries…)
60. Spa (man, I’m way overdue for one!)
61. Sauna (the nice conclusion to an intense workout)
62. Blogging (a nice way to cope and vent, just don’t mention names or else it’s gossip.)
63. Men (some are so cute that I just wanna tickle ’em lmao!)
64. Free apps (and no thanks to in-app purchases, Google Play Store!)
65. Trees (i hugged a tree today but it was so sad 😦 )
66. Windy days (the Sun needs to play hookey sometimes behind some clouds cus I can’t handle too much hot weather)
67. Early mornings  (I prefer if there’s no one around when I meditate outside…)
68. Math (Calculus, Statistics, Trigonometry, I don’t care, I’ll do it all just for fun.)
69. Kama Sutra (just cus it’s number 69 on my list.)
70. Yoga (calms me down from all the racing thoughts I wake up to every morning.)
71. Blog likes and comments  (makes me feel special when my fallen angels appreciate my words.)
72. Being single (I don’t have to worry about other people’s problems or getting my heart broken again.)
73. Scarves (they’re so stylish! Too bad it’s Summer where I’m at right now.)
74. Hats (for the days I don’t feel like doing my hair.)
75. Movie theatres (it’s much cooler to go watch a movie when it first comes out!)
76. Gamestop (that was my Disney World as a child. Pitiful, huh? Lol)
77. Friends  (the TV show not the nonexistent people in my life. Ha!)
78. Glee (the first show that gave me goosebumps and butterflies at the same time.)
79. NYC Pride (everyone in the LGBT Community needs to go at least once in their life.)
80. True Colors Conference  (free hugs and kisses from both sexy and ugly people lol)
81. John Leguizamo  (my childhood crush but you would know that if you keep tabs on my posts.)
82. Chicken (i love chicken! That’s one thing I have in common with most people.)
83. TV antenna (free cable motha fuckas!)
84. Karaoke  (sing as if you’re in the shower!)
85. Credit cards  (money i don’t have now i may have later on… hopefully)
86. Restaurants  (i hate cooking so i pay someone to do it for me.)
87. Tattoos (they make look so cool! But it’s a very addicting habit.)
88. Karma (what comes around, goes around but you already knew that.)
89. Lazy days (I’m currently unemployed so i have a lot of these lol)
90. Locks (i lock my door, my windows, my mailbox, heck i would lock my keys away if I could!)
91. Nintendo (the world’s most prestigious video game company.)
92. The Simpson’s  (the only show that never ends)
93. Driving (it sure as hell beats riding in a city bus full of silly beggars :D)
94. Alcohol (losing my inhibition and forgetting my problems temporarily with a mere swig of whiskey)
95. Book-to-movies (I never bother reading a lot of the new mainstream books cus I know they’ll be movies someday)
96. 90’s TV (the new shows on TV are terrible. I feel sorry for new generations cus of this… and everything else too)
97. Ginger ale  (the only soda I allow myself to drink)
98. The Bible  (all of life’s answers are already written yet no one I know outside of church reads it)
99. Prayer (I have faith that God’s listening but I must remind myself things aren’t going to happen when and how I want them to.)
100. God (do I need to explain?)
101. Halloween  (the only holiday I like.)
102. My birthday (the birth of the Arcangel and leader of the fallen angels is definitely worth celebrating.)
103. Decapitation  (my sick “comedy fetish,” the one unusual thing that makes me laugh.)

Think you can write as many things you love about the world as posts you have on your blog? Give it a try and let me know! Have a wonderful day, my fallen angels! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂