Exorcise my heart

Warped and misconstrued ideas of love and other vulnerabilities,
Forgotten what desire and old-fashioned attire even feels like,
Garner a vigorous angst to morph manhood into sodomy,
You complete me,
But the Heaven-Dwellers don’t agree,

Angels stare down in disapproval as they choke on their halos,
And get drunk on holy water,
Sympathetically pitying mankind for we are their reflection,
Soul contracts dreaded to be accepted in fear of forbidden fruit,
Humans are prone to sin again and again like a chronic addiction,
As if there’s any other kind of happiness,

Self-harm in the form of you,
Waiting for your call was a kind of torture,
Masochistic ways allowed me to convert pain into pleasure,
Envy into pride,
Love into lust,
A whole being into just a half,
Your ego had my spirit to bear for your words were my grave,
Another homosexual said “my heart is a ghost town,”

Concrete words and sweet nothings I brag about it all,
Your imperfections are subconsciously imitated,
My role model,
My father figure,
My sick obsession,
Higher beings hover above us as I attempt to cut the cords,
But I am stronger than ever because of you,

I annoy you while you bore me,
Your convoy’s obsolete,
how a whore in me came to be,
Hell-mongers born of light and evil creatures syphoned of all hope,
Clean slate marred by heartbreak and other traumatic pandemonium,
Can’t control chaos,
Chaos loiters in the aftermath,

Hood rats scurry to their shadows materialized from the darkness,
Easier being evil,
Easier giving up caution and making a mess of healthy habits,
Oleaginous and insecure I once was,
Svelte and guarded I am now,
The worst mistake I ever made became my facade,
All the angels applaud their last hoorah,
In awe of how similar we all really are,
Before retreating behind the golden gates I negate to surpass,
For I am in denial,
And denial is more than a satire,
I know where I truly belong…

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

My imagination will die with me

All my unpublished novels, unheard original songs, unread poems, and my infamous views of the world are most likely are going to die with me. Blogging instills the illusion that I already met fame. I tried to establish a writing career only to be jibbed off by Xlibris Publishing. They only care about money. I tried to introduce my lyrics to a music industry but they never have the time to see me. They don’t want to hear it. The poems are more for myself but I like to share them from time to time just to see if anyone replies. My love is becoming imaginary. After everything I have been through, apathy is taking its course. After my ex told me he never loved me to being with, my walls are built once more. I have so much love to give but no one can live for real in fantasy. My imagination will die with me. I don’t know when, I don’t know where, but it seems my efforts to proclaim my dreams are futile. Even people I happen to keep in my life are starting to get bummed out by me now. It’s not like I want to give up because if I did, I would end my life. The fact that I haven’t done that yet should show the inevitable hope I garner that my imagination will become real and my goals in life will be worth it after all the trials and tribulations have finally ceased, if they ever will. My barber gave me an eyecut along with the haircut. The brush my barber used to wipe extra hair from my face without warning cut my eyeball. I had to go to the emergency room and it tooks six hours to be seen. I have to apply eye ointment every four hours for the next five days. Not eye drops. Ointment. Hardest medication to apply to the body. I guarantee it.  Before this happened, I got poison ivy recently when I participated in the church clean up last weekend. Is that what I get for helping the church? Then my sister-in-law asking me why I’m always suicidal. And I don’t like how she treats my brother but there’s nothing I can do about that. That all happened in one weeks time. It leaves me wondering what’s worse: my brother’s marriage or my chronic loneliness? I feel like everything I say will always be the tip of the iceberg. I had the same therapist for over two years. The only one that never gave up on me. She knows me more than anyone. Yet I don’t think I can ever express myself 100%. Maybe there’s a lot of things in life that just simply can’t be acknowledged verbally. A type of spiritual endeavor everyone faces. I need a spiritual guide or something. I’m so lost. I know I’m just bitching right now and I might sound like a teenage rebel, but believe it or not but this is helping me a lot right now. Im sitting in my apartment with all the lights off because my right eyeball is very sensitive to the light. My phone’s brightness as low as can be. My cat keeping me company. That unconditional love my feline friend and I share is the same way people should be but they’re not. Always building defenses and afraid to take the risk of letting anyone in. Anyway it’s like my emotional and psychological monstrosities are displaying themselves to my human vessel. A reflection of my depression as physical pain. I lost my mind years ago and it seems now all the other components that makes me who I am are starting to deteriorate as well. Who have I become? Job from the Bible? The darkness is taking over but my faith in God and my hope to save others like me by telling you all about me is good enough to keep on going. My imagination will die with me but hopefully my brave storytelling will help you on your own personal endeavors too. That is the grace God bestows upon me.


Have a wonderful day, my fallen angels! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! 🙂

What has this world come to?!

Watch “The Truth About Robin Williams Suicide” on YouTube

Good morning. I guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed or maybe I am starting to unlock all the feelings of depression and loneliness I have repressed within myself for so long. I understand why Robin Williams killed himself. He was very wise and troubled but no one took him seriously. His life and his death, his legacy, was a symbol for our country and the whole world. We all may think we have people in our lives that genuinely care about us but most people don’t give a fuck. We are losing our humanity. We care less about nature and each other and more about the media and material things. Robin Williams suffered with depression and near his final time alive, he turned to  drugs and seclusion. I can relate to him or at least relate to what I  know about him. I suffer with depression but I survived countless endeavors and always scurried my way out. I adapt and I try to move forward. People come to me for advice or a shoulder to cry on or to hear a joke that will make their day. But I can’t think of anyone who would do that for me or are even capable of comforting a true fallen angel. I am strong and I laugh and smile quite often but most days, i don’t even wanna get out of bed. I just wanna hide from the rest of the world. Grieving for the limitless people who came and went from my life, never able to stay. I have a Facebook account and youtube and many other ones but none of that fools me to thinking anyone is truly there for me. Other people may succumb to the illusion that they have many friends due to social media. Maybe because it’s a way to cope for the loss of our humanity. I am so depressed. And yet I try the best I can to continue working on myself physically, mentally, spiritually, and psychologically. I work out regularly and I try to be positive in a negative world as if opposites really do attract. I go to church and pray and compensate for my life by going through the process of an adult baptism. I go to therapy to vent and try to rid myself of mental illness. I think everyone needs therapy. It’s time to stop running towards the status quo and towards reality, no matter how obscure or diminished our views on life may be. I feel like no one in my daily life can even begin to fathom what it’s like to go through this. Maybe we all go through it. I don’t know because no one ever wants to talk about the “negative” things. Same thing with Robin Williams. He was so funny and sweet. That was what everyone else saw. But based on my life experience, I can only imagine the reasons why he decided not to confide in anyone or to break the ice of an otherwise silly comedic persona. He knew no one cared to dig deeper than the mask. To be honest, this world is dangerous and terrifying at times. We are doing the best we can. To care about anyone else but ourselves is a burden. We are fighting our own battles. Frankly, I can barely help myself most days. I don’t know the solution to revive our humanity or even pinpoint when we lost it. But I do know it takes all my being to not give up and commit the same act that Robin Williams did. He was a beautiful person who was misunderstood. I may not know all there is needed to know about him but I can sympathize with the idea of him and his tragic demise. People think I’m a joke and usually don’t take me seriously. But why would they? I make them think that subconsciously because just like Robin Williams, I don’t believe anyone can begin to acknowledge this concept that I speak so fondly of. I believe I have lost my mind years ago. I don’t remember when exactly but I’m living my life on auto-pilot. I have faith that I play a huge factor in saving this lost world we live in. The unfortune and the tragedy will never cease, but the hope and love in the world will forever oppose the evil. That felt good to vent. A series of coping skills distracting me from the inevitable suicidal ideation. Don’t worry. (You won’t anyway) I will be okay. I have been through worse. I’ll just adapt and survive like I always do. Have a wonderful day, my magnificent fallen angels! Over and out.

How do I control empathy?

Good morning, my fallen angels!  All my life, I felt different from everyone else. I thought maybe it was because I was gay. So I joined True Colors. But that didn’t help at all. I still felt like the black sheep. As a child, I was hypersensitive to all the evil and wrongdoing I sensed all around me. I would cry for hours when I watched the news. Then as I got older,  I began to sense if people in my life had good or evil intentions.  To this day I still become overwhelmingly paranoid. It breaks my heart to see someone upset and I can’t help them. Even complete strangers. I want to hug them or something but that’s not socially acceptable. I have had depression and suicidal ideation since I was 14. Now that I’m grown,  I was able to eventually get off my antidepressants and I haven’t been admitted to the psych ward in two years now. I was so young when this all began. I realize that there was no reason for me to feel so miserable at such a young age. That maybe it was because of my mom. She was morbidly depressed and overweight. She had no way of dealing with stress in a positive way.  My mother would gossip about my dad in front of me as a kid as well as put me down. She used to call me fat-ass, stupid, dumb “just like my father” (I hated when she said that), and my sister’s were in on it too. They called me the sick boy because I was in and out of in-patient care and had therapy and prescription medications starting from freshman year of high school.  I think I sensed their evil ways since I was born. And I had acquired their hopeless and malicious thought patterns. I believe in my heart that I am an empath but I need a spiritual leader or guide to help me to control my abilities. I am spiritually lost. I know I have a lot of potential in many aspects of my life. However as long as this world’s negativity envelops me in darkness, that potential i possess will be rendered forever. If anyone  can sincerely and genuinely show me the way to understanding, then please do so. There’s so much more to empathy than I know about. I hear that I must practice cleansing, grounding, and protection. But where do I begin? Thank you for always reading my posts and have a wonderful day, my brilliant fallen angels!  Over and out.

College Confusion

I felt lost recently in my life. I am in college too and I told myself it would be better if I pursue a major in Criminal Justice because I overcame a lot in my life and I want to save people. However, I am a very artistic, social intellectual. I can get very silly at times. I tend to disobey rules. But I always wanted to be tough and protect people with my strength. Then I realized music, art, and literature save people too. Art is powerful, so powerful that even life itself imitates art. It can give people hope, a feeling that you are not alone, that you are not the first person to struggle with any given situation. So now I aim towards majoring in Liberal Arts because I do not have to prove to anyone that I am strong by sheer brute force. I am strong in a way that displays vulnerability as power. I am not afraid to express myself and to admit I can relate to others. It is good to explore other opportunities or else you will always wonder, “what if?”