What Love Means To Me

The only thing that once made me smile everyday
Was knowing that I’m going to die someday,
That I’m not immortal,
That I’m not a vampire,
So trapped in their own power.

Now I feel accompanied in this misery with you,
I’m so enticed with every word thought and deed that you do.
Don’t think I never want to be around you anymore,
I’d rather us be miserable together
Than ever having to pretend we’re not

Because I am so in love with you

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Mania II

Mania I

Take me back! I’ll literally crawl to you! I need you! I’m half-alive without you! After all this time, I still love you! I don’t want anyone else! Any other man I would end up with will always be second best to you! It felt like kisses when you abused me! Hit me! Yell at me! Take all your frustrations and pent-up rage out on me! Please! I beg of you! Love me again! Want me the way you did when you first saw me! Make me your bitch! Anything… just be here with me tonight! I don’t have a support system. I don’t have close family or friends. I’ve been unloved for so long. Neglected and abused. My life is hell! Sometimes I think God hates me. Did I do something nefarious and unforgivable in a past life? Am I the reincarnation of Job? What’s wrong with me? My love, only you can cure me of this madness with your own brand of madness that only you can bestow upon me! My heart, my soul, my body, my mind, my belongings are all yours! I’m on my knees for your bittersweet fellatio, my holy communion. My religion is you, my handsome devil. My love…

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

To Each His Own

To each his own. At one point in American History, black people were considered 3/5 of a person, women were nothing without a man, and gay marriage wasn’t legal until recently. So what stops anything from becoming the norm? Nudists or polyanimous marriages or even a utopian society can become the norm someday. Whether we’re alive to witness it happen or not is completely irrelevant. I’m miserable, but who honestly gives a fuck?

Hello to my unique fallen angels! I am so miserable. For a long time, I thought my misery stemmed from my ex or my past family drama. However, I forgave all of them a while ago. I’m indifferent towards them. I don’t even care enough to hate them or hold grudges against them. I get it. I don’t really have any family left. My ex moved on from me. It’s fine, really. This misery I feel is something totally different. You see, I’m a very simple man. As long as I have a roof over my head, food, clothes, and an ambience of safety, I’m good. I don’t care about name brands or what people think about me. Everyone is dealing with their own internal struggles. I go to college, work, the gym, and church but I don’t feel like anything I do amounts to anything truly important. I don’t feel inadequate though. My IQ is in the 140s so that’s not bad at all. I’m starting to think maybe life is too easy. That the “luxurious things in life” are just extra. As long as I can pay my bills and have some money left over to try to cheer myself up, I’m okay. I’m so bored with my life. I have been putting myself out there more and maintaining friendships yet it’s only a fleeting happiness that merely comes and goes without my consent. I am so miserable that I’m becoming physically sick.

I tend to compare myself to Ernest Hemingway a lot. A very intelligent man who was so intelligent that he couldn’t find the means to feel understood and couldn’t connect with other people. He ending up dying by his own volition just like so many other brilliant minds. They say humans are social creatures. Human nature doesn’t exist. There are two sides of me constantly upset with one another. One is like “what’s the point of interacting with other people outside the realm of vested interest?” While the other half is like “people bring out the best in me so why don’t I surround myself with them as much as possible?” I tend to see it so black and white.

I actually got offered to do drag again for this Thursday coming up but I’m not as excited as when I started doing drag. Perhaps the feeling will come back when the moment comes and goes.

I don’t know. I don’t understand how I can make people care about me. I don’t get how anyone can have time for anyone else. We’re always working or busy doing something or sleeping so how does one form a meaningful connection with another person? Do I even care? I must if I’m asking. Life is dull and lonely. It may just be my personal experiences but I notice that no matter if someone has a lot of money or not, or if someone has a lot of friends or not, or even if someone is famous or not, everyone is suffering one way or another. There’s no need for jealousy. Maybe this human life is a mere preliminary of something far more greater. Heaven and Hell? Something else? I don’t know… who the hell does?

I live my life utilizing superlatives and generalizations to indulge in my self-loathing. I find myself being void of all emotion – the good and the bad. I don’t care enough to hate anyone and love is too hard to come by. I do honestly believe that I felt happiest when I was with my ex-fiance. I hope he’s okay. I hope my mom’s okay. Despite everything, I’m indifferent. It’s hard to explain the feeling I’m trying to convey right now in this post.

No two people can ever have the same human experience. Our five senses of exceptionally unique. I believe that is why everyone has a different favorite food or color or kind of music (etc.). Each person garners a completely unique human experience. So what does it matter if I try to express my feelings for anything? We only blog to vent or to promote while only interacting with other blogs to better our own blogs. Hedonism and selfishness at its finest. No one likes to admit that they primarily do things for their own vested interest.

Loneliness is a state of mind, not of matter. No matter how many other people I try to be around or parties I attend, it’s all the same. This chronic loneliness is becoming a medical condition. I don’t care. Sometimes I think to myself that if I was diagnosed with cancer today, I would be relieved. I don’t fear death. I have tried to kill myself over a dozen times in my life but obviously I’m not good at it. So I gave up on giving up. I’ll just go through the motions, the ebb and flow of life. Whatever happens happens. I don’t care.

Perhaps God doesn’t exist after all. What a horrible thing to say considering that I got baptized just a few months ago. I know things can always get worse regardless.

I don’t get why so many people judge each other on their sexual orientation or religion or race. Who gives a fuck?

Who says I have to be diagnosed with major depression? A doctor that never been through it themselves? What if I’m the messiah or if I’ll be the first person to answer life’s questions? Or what if I’m just another person living in this world until Death comes to take me somewhere better and new?

Whatever anything ever is, simply is. So thanks for lasting this long and have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Once Innocence Lost

I was so frail until I fell into your mind,
But fate never pulled me out from its bind.
A think tank I drown in for so damn long.
Your dominion that reigns over me is so strong.

Beat me.
Spit on me.
Tell me I’m scum.

Rape me.
Scream at me.
Until you cum.

You convince me I’m nothing whether you’re here or not.
You might as well raze me here now, my sexy stoic robot.

I was an innocent little boy until I fell for you hard.
I sold my soul when I put down my guard.
Your arms I wore like a wedding dress.
Ivory silk drips underneath to caress.

Grab me.
Don’t kiss me.
Make me your bitch.

Sedate me.
Don’t date me.
Until your dick twitch.

You sold me spare parts of a heart non-existent.
Yet I’ll forever remain perplexingly persistent.

I was so ambitious until I fell on your facade.
Down on my knees as if you were God.
My religion is you because I’m a little monster.
Not once did doubt show you were an imposter.

Choke me.
Condemn me.
Drag me to hell.

Fuck me.
Lie to me.
My body’s for sale.

You made me believe faith is a waste of time.
Even life itself gives me something to deny.

Yet Another Way to Describe Misery

Let’s live a lie because the truth is too hard to arouse.

I must replenish my will to live weakly weekly in His house.

Deferring my dreams like a raisin in the sun –

The mask is pretty enough to provide me false fun.

Timidness is an act in a performance that I’ve mastered in this cage.

Friendship is merely a hologram in this technological age…

Neglect my existence over and over again until I’m just a nuisance.

I will invade your emotions until they’re anything but elusive.

Only someone whose odd can be number one.

Yet another way to describe misery but I’m almost done.

All my poems seem to be written in a similar way

For happiness is indigenous same shit different day.

Cycle of Hurt

When will the cycle of hurt end?

Distorted beauty hard to mend.

Broken homes white elephants,

Due to revenge and pelvic dents

Source of vampire’s elixir,

Heartbreak dependence to liquor,

Numb the pain traumatic moments,

Due to revenge and pelvic dents,

Abscond the miasma once more,

Yearning to leave but too damn poor,

Trapped complacent establishments,

Due to revenge and pelvic dents,

Past and future doesn’t exist,

Standard deviations persist,

The mean reflects our achievements,

Due to revenge and pelvic dents

Faithful Forevermore

Hello to my faithful fallen angels! Let’s climb aboard for another one of The One-Eyed Angel’s check-ins, shall we? There were a select group of friends I would text every single morning. I felt like I was doing all the work after a while. So I stopped texting them first to see if they would reach out to me and I ultimately lost touch with them.

Honestly I think I’m losing touch with my brother too. He seems apathetic since he broke up with his ex-fiance. He had a kid with her but it doesn’t seem like he cares. So I try not take it personally. But I was on the receiving end of a lover’s apathy. Hence it’s nearly impossible to not empathize with his ex-fiance and the daughter he left behind. He’s a good brother and a good person to me, but he’s not inclined to maintain a family dynamic. I get it though. I think I would have done the same thing, to be honest. She was far from perfect herself. It can go either way when it concerns me.

It just sucks how hurt people tend to hurt people. Most people want to unload their burden onto someone else. Just because I have my shit together, people assume I’m always okay. But I’m human too. Not many of my friends are people I could confide in if I need support. They’re always busy or they’re in the company of someone more important. I think people are naturally selfish honestly. It takes strength and compassion to care about someone other than yourself.

Aside from my psychological perplexity, my vessel is in need of repair. I have been taking pain killers every single day for years due to chronic neck and back problems. The diplopia isn’t quite a pleasant experience either. I hope there’s a solution to my physical anomalies. As of this point in my life, every problem has been solved or in the process of being solved. So my faith resides forevermore in God.

But I get a bit cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs when I skip meditation and other spiritual practices. A visit to the spirit realm always cures my crazies. If I stop laughing, I’d be crying. So I laugh, pop pain killers, and practice abstinence to stay alive. Ode to joy!

Hope always find its way in. I have obtained a friendship with a neighbor I honestly didn’t think I would establish any kind of relationship with. My brother shows me that he still has a heart from time to time. I have known one of my best friends for several years now and she’s someone who actually has an aptitude to acknowledge how and why I am the way I am. Yet no matter how much I divulge myself to you all, I will forever remain a mystery. On that beautiful note, I wish you all a wonderful day! Over and out.

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Damsel

Isra was such an odd name for a child, especially one from royal descent. At a ripe age of 13, such high expectations were placed on her for she would be the Queen someday.
However, she differed from her mother in many ways. Children should be seen and not heard, no one ever let her forget it. Her mother constantly reminded her that it’s always been that way. Rebellious preludes slowly tore Isra away from her family.
Her mother’s vacant, grey eyes bore into her before the curtain call. Any talk of adult things drowned out Sunday’s sermon with the help of locked doors.
The princess grew annoyed with being ignored. Sounds of anguish reverberated from the other side. Screams of agony emanated from the living alcove. But only her parents were in there. No kings of foreign nations. No queens of Saigon bent on revenge.
Perhaps some wars were fought at home.
Her long, blonde hair swayed valiantly as she jolted towards her bedchambers to collapse in seclusion. But before she reached her anticipated destination, Isra decided to trek out of the castle grounds instead. The bellowing wind sighed when the main doors were pushed wide open in a frenzy.
A lot of Isra’s studies were indoors and free time was hard to come by. But whenever leisure left holes in her daily routines, she treasured the outdoors. Birds intrigued her the most due to their fragile yet omnipresent nature. Wings granting the ability of flight, able to fly away at any time.
A bluejay landed on her index finger while she meandered down a hidden dirt path protruding from the open space and into the emerald canopy stretched over her. It bobbed its head instinctively in that awkward movement that most animals have mastered. Melodic chirping made Isra giggle soundlessly. Inevitably, it let go and dove into the open blue towards the heavens from whence it came.
Where the light recently bled through the openings made from newly bloomed leaves on outreached branches, a rush of cold air undulated heavily until it was as if the moon took its place prematurely.
Suddenly, a handsome yet middle-aged man stood against the bark of an evergreen tree. Obsidian locks spilled out of his hood. His hair may have been long but there was no essence of femininity surrounding his persona at all. Green eyes peeked out from beneath the fathoms of his robes.
The young girl’s mouth formed an “O.” All the air had been sucked out her lungs yet vehement attempts occurred to regain all oxygen. Fear took its toll. Isra saw the foreigner reach lucratively for a dagger held snugly in the robe tied around his slender waist. She didn’t wait for him to take anymore steps closer than he already had. Thank the Lord Isra chose not to wear the uncomfortable heels her mother wanted her to that day. These wooden shoes sufficed for running away from strangers in the woods. She dared to peek behind her to acknowledge that he didn’t even budge. Her glance aimed forward once more, but to her utmost dismay, Isra tripped over a makeshift snare. Ultimately, the snare enacted a net to snatch the princess straight from the earth to mid-air. A ravenous shriek escaped her chapped lips. The woodsman, she realized he was, strutted towards her before her vision failed her….

(To be continued in… “In Distress”)

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

How do I control empathy?

Good morning, my fallen angels!  All my life, I felt different from everyone else. I thought maybe it was because I was gay. So I joined True Colors. But that didn’t help at all. I still felt like the black sheep. As a child, I was hypersensitive to all the evil and wrongdoing I sensed all around me. I would cry for hours when I watched the news. Then as I got older,  I began to sense if people in my life had good or evil intentions.  To this day I still become overwhelmingly paranoid. It breaks my heart to see someone upset and I can’t help them. Even complete strangers. I want to hug them or something but that’s not socially acceptable. I have had depression and suicidal ideation since I was 14. Now that I’m grown,  I was able to eventually get off my antidepressants and I haven’t been admitted to the psych ward in two years now. I was so young when this all began. I realize that there was no reason for me to feel so miserable at such a young age. That maybe it was because of my mom. She was morbidly depressed and overweight. She had no way of dealing with stress in a positive way.  My mother would gossip about my dad in front of me as a kid as well as put me down. She used to call me fat-ass, stupid, dumb “just like my father” (I hated when she said that), and my sister’s were in on it too. They called me the sick boy because I was in and out of in-patient care and had therapy and prescription medications starting from freshman year of high school.  I think I sensed their evil ways since I was born. And I had acquired their hopeless and malicious thought patterns. I believe in my heart that I am an empath but I need a spiritual leader or guide to help me to control my abilities. I am spiritually lost. I know I have a lot of potential in many aspects of my life. However as long as this world’s negativity envelops me in darkness, that potential i possess will be rendered forever. If anyone  can sincerely and genuinely show me the way to understanding, then please do so. There’s so much more to empathy than I know about. I hear that I must practice cleansing, grounding, and protection. But where do I begin? Thank you for always reading my posts and have a wonderful day, my brilliant fallen angels!  Over and out.