CAUTION

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Hello to my cautious fallen angels! It’s been a while since I last checked in. I tend to write poetry and short stories, but there’s nothing wrong with that.

It’s Mother’s Day and the sadness wrecks havoc once again. I was an unusual child. My mother was afraid of me. She called me “the sick boy.” I spoke of death, misery, and hopelessness around the time my parents were divorced, and also during the time I began to get bullied in school. Then, trauma ensued and I became catatonic from the age of 10 to 18. I dressed in gothic garments, cut myself regularly, and tried to commit suicide whenever I was bored so she could keep me entertained. I blamed her for the loss of my innocence even though she didn’t do it directly.

I used to have sex with gangsters for drugs and pickpocket strangers on the streets to survive. My mother was a whore, and there was never food in the house. I went in and out of psych wards, residentials, group homes, and state hospitals. I got expelled from four different high schools before I finally graduated.

By then, my mother no longer bothered visiting me, let alone keeping me entertained. She gave up on me. I am the “Jason Todd”* of her four children.

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*Jason Todd was the second Robin after Dick Grayson. He was murdered by The Joker. Then, he was resurrected by the use of Ra's Al Ghul's Lazarus Pit. Jason Todd became a villain called The Red Hood.

Now I am a grown man. And every Mother’s Day that comes and goes relinquishes the mental bind I constructed to keep these horrid memories at bay.

I am socially rejected by almost every social group dynamic I have come across throughout the years. I am guarded and I hardly let anyone in. I portray this dark persona but I believe myself to be very gentle and kind. I must be cautious at all times. It’s days like today that never let me forget why I always exercise CAUTION.

Well, just because I hate Mother’s Day due to association by my own life’s experience, it doesn’t mean you feel the same way. At that note, I wish you all a Happy Mother’s Day!

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Mommy

Daddy

Oh, mother! It’s been four years since I heard your melodic voice, seen your beautiful face, smelled your fragrant perfume, tasted your homemade cooking, and felt your broken heart that now mirrors my own. For so long, it was easier to joke around and hate you for disowning me, but somewhere along the way, I found the tear-stained strength to be gentle and kind towards your antique memory. I don’t know where you are. I don’t know if thoughts of me ever cross your mind. Where are you?! I need you! Oh, mother! I’m sorry! I forgive you! It feels like you passed away! I don’t think you love me anymore! I want to caress your mascara cheek and wipe away all your pain, all your hatred that keeps you from turning the page of a fairy tale that never reached its tranquil end. Please be happy! But I can’t turn the page for you. There’s too much serenity in my own story. I can feel the soil slipping from my fingers as the sadness takes over me and waters yet another loving, traumatic memory. I stare six feet below me into the vast unknown in hopes that something…. anything will grow between us again.

An Angel’s Awakening (A-CUBED)

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Good morning to my blessed fallen angels! I finally got baptized today! It’s been long-awaited. (Aww! Look at me in my church clothes as opposed to my gothic garb.) I’m officially an Episcopalian now! I love my church family! I love God! People can disappoint me, betray me, neglect me, abuse me, avoid me, judge me, use me, and hurt me but I’m so happy to give myself up to The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit. I never have to worry about God doing any of those things to me that people have done time and time again. It’s all trials and tribulations. It’s expected to go through hardship in life in one way or another. I am definitely not an exception to that biblical rule. I have no regrets, no held grudges, and no hatred towards anyone or anything. Everything I have been through (“The Sufie Saga”) led me to this moment. My mother told me I made her depressed and that she should’ve aborted me, but I forgive her. The only man I have ever loved (so far…) broke my heart in ways I never thought was humanly possible, but I forgive him too. I’m so emotionally resilient. I have been abused physically, mentally, sexually, emotionally, and even spiritually (by a psychic Narcissist). However, I still manage to get out of bed in the morning, smile, laugh (sometimes manically), and uphold my daily responsibilities. Three weeks from now, I’m starting acolyte training to someday become a priest. I’m also in college to be a therapist for people with mental health problems. And I garner spiritual abilities of my own. Just yesterday, I was contemplating killing myself, but it’s amazing how God can save me just when I feel like giving up. I am going to help and heal a lot of people! I’m gonna make this world a better place than when I found it! On the other hand, I will still don the name, The One-Eyed Angel because this darkness infested with depression and rage will always be a part of me. It has helped me survive through the worst of times and helped me appreciate with ultimate gratitude the best of times. All emotions are temporary, both good and bad. I know I’m not gonna feel this happiness consistently for the rest of my life, but I accept that simply because I must accept that. Although I don’t have any close friends or family members who went to my baptism today, I have acknowledged already that my life is a lonely one so no surprises that no one outside my church family came today. I’m okay though. There must be some valid reason God didn’t place too many people in my life. Some can handle society while some can’t. To each his own. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

#FML #KMN

Hello to my bitter fallen angels! I’m sick of being fucking positive all the time! I’m an introverted loner inches away from oblivion. I don’t care about how anyone is doing. And I hate every single fucking holiday except Halloween. Fortunately Halloween is coming up soon. I just wanna scare the shit out of everyone I come across. Let the real me come out one day of the year. Ugly ass strangers on the streets staring at me. “What the fuck do you want from me?” Sexy guys who think they’re too good for me. “Fine! I hope you find someone who will abuse you, you fucking bastard!” Some people say they love me. Yeah fucking right! When I’m trying to be positive and joking around, it’s easy to be around me, huh fucker? But when shit hits the fan, everyone in my boring ass life ceases to exist. “This dude is crazy as hell…” I can hear your thoughts slowly dying as you selfishly walk away. Paying bills, going to school, working, and sleeping practically makes up people’s days so how does anyone have time for anyone else? Fuck my life. Kill me now. This is why I have had writer’s block for days now. Because I was attempting to think of more positive bullshit to write about until I realized my tolerance for other people’s existence is wasted away by now. We live in a world where your own mother can be your archnemesis, where a man says he loves you one day and ghost out the next, where discrimination and abuse are the norm. This world sucks! Life is meaningless! People with mental health problems will never be accepted into society and will forever be on the receiving end of ridicule. Blasphemy! Freedom my ass! The cashier at my local grocery store is such a bitch! The man at my local post office is an asshole! Yet they have jobs and I don’t! Suicide Hotline ain’t shit. My boss says I’m not even good enough to be an operator cus I need further training! Fuck you, slut! Am I not adequate enough for you?! “Don’t sugarcoat it. Tell me how you really feel?” Lol! I’m not suicidal or anything. I’m just one of the few select people on the world who have come to terms with the harsh truth that loneliness is the realest thing there is. I think I’m just gonna be Mr. Scrooge for the hopeless remainder of my life. I don’t give a fuck! I’m content with Loneliness. The only guy I sleep with at night. I haven’t had sex in three weeks now. I found out the man I started to have feelings for was already married. But it’s an open marriage so it’s okay… What the fuck do you want from me then? To be your mistress?! Fuck outta here! At this time, that would be better than nothing. Let’s call the adulterer, shall we? I had a job interview with some fat asshole asking me why I wanna work there. “To pop bottles on the weekends and buy shit. What the fuck you mean ‘why?'” He said he’ll call me but I doubt he will. He told me himself he hates people in general. More than I do, if that’s even humanly possible. I was disappointed when the world didn’t end in 2012. Seconds until the ball dropped and I was giddy with excitement for I thought I was finally going to meet Death. Unfortunately the world still goes ’round. My New Year’s resolution every year since was to lose weight. I have been working out a lot but of to no avail. I can keep going on and on. This world gives me infinite reasons to hate it. If you made it through my psychotic rantings, then congratulations! Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

We all need help sometimes

Good evening to my hopeful fallen angels! It seems like even the best of us have our hard times. I was raised to judge people and to be close-minded. If you read any of my previous posts, you’ll know just how fucked up my childhood was because my mother raised me. I forgave her but there are still some things that seem to stick with me. She used to talk shit about homeless people or elderly people or even children. As a kid, I thought it was normal. I have been through so much since then. I now find myself going to soup kitchens whenever I run out of food stamps for the month. I look at the other people socializing in the basement of my church and I can’t ever imagine myself saying anything bad about them. The poor aren’t hopeless. They aren’t stupid. They are hopeful. They are resourceful. Some rich people are evil and some are loving. Same with the less wealthy. Financial status is not a corelation to how good a person is. My mother was the evil one. However I can’t let myself hate her. There’s this part of me so dark and apathetic that I can easily succumb to it. I doubt I’m alone when it comes to that regard. But fortunately, I’m still able to see the good in others no matter what. Yeah it’s beautiful but at the same time, that’s the reason I keep certain people in my life longer than I should. My compassion tends to have terrible repercussions. I believe the people who are truly struggling like me, the friendless, the pennyless, the lonely, are the most strongest people. We face unbelievable odds, got dealt horrible cards from the get-go, and hope still remains even though hardship never ceases to pile on. But it will cease. I honestly believe things will get better for me and people like me. Inner beauty will prevail against all odds in the end. My mother, my ex, and anyone who has done me and countless other people wrong will get what’s coming to them. That is the hope I have for my inevitable salvation and the faith I have in God. Being a Christian is all about coming to terms with the less fortunate to realize that life is hard. Perhaps the more hardship one can endure, the more bountiful the prize is at the end of the road. People may think I’m cold or heartless, but only while I’m blogging can I truly express my benevolent soul. It’s easier to be evil than it is to be good like it’s easier to make a mess than it is to clean it up. Whenever I’m nice to people, they take advantage of that. My mother used to say that when you offer someone a hand, they’ll take your whole arm. To be honest, I think a small part of my mother still lives within me. But overall, life is hard sometimes and there’s no need to judge people. No one had a right to classify anyone  no matter what. So be yourself and don’t feel ashamed if you have to save cans and bottles for five cents each or go to a soup kitchen to get yourself through the rest of the month. If you are truly a beautiful person, then you have nothing to fear in the grand scheme of things. I love you all, my fallen angels! Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! 🙂

Tell Me What It’s Like

You were a mother,
Overwhelmed by the power,
Of her son,
And his father,
Spent your years,
Protecting him,
From all your fears,
Even when your light grew dim,
Loving him so…
Raising him so…
You thought that he would be grateful,
Now he’s grown up,
You kicked him out the door,
And out of your life,
Nine months in your womb,
18 years under your roof,
Surpassed all the gloom,
Violence and abuse spelled out “doom,”
Oh tell me what it’s like,
To abandon him so quickly,
I know parenthood ain’t easy,
When you’re playing both roles,

Ever since his father,
Walked out on you all,
You raised him,
To hate him,
You been with other guys since then,
These other guys you easily let in,
A home full of minors,
Abused like hitchhikers,
Don’t you care at all?
I reached out to you,
But I have matured and forgave,
You choose to remain the same,
Oh tell me what it’s like,
To not know where your last born is,
Does he ever cross your mind?
A mistake you wish you aborted,

I’m doing fine,
I’m doing just fine,
If you haven’t guessed by now,
I am your son,
You thought I was mentally challenged,
But the only challenge I faced was you,
You never bothered to get to know me,
But I don’t have to worry,
Cus worry is the misuse of imagination,
I will not sign that proclamation,

Growing old is mandatory,
Growing up is optional,
I trek through the harder left,
You breeze through the easy right,
Never to coincide,
Never to intersect,
Parallel lines,
All lead to the unknown,
I will walk this path to the orient,
You will stay astray reliant,
On self-mutilation,
Lonely scars you always reopen,

I can never let you in,
It’s neither here nor there,
A condescending grin,
For I no longer care

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! 🙂

“I Forgive You, Mother”

It seems like forever,
Last I spoke to you, mother,
The past is over,
Bridge above the water,
Let’s turn the page,
Let’s kill the rage,
Alleviate the sacrilege,
Seek salvation within,
We all have garnished souls,
Facing our demons,
Stepping on hot coals,
Senseless resurrection,
Of the unknown,
The merge between Heaven & Hell,
Occurs in our daily lives,
It’s so easy being angry,
So hard to forgive,
It took massive heartbreak,
Surviving suicide after suicide,
The realization that no one can replace you,
It all starts and ends with you,
Mother,
Oh Mother,
Now I understand,
I was a child so naive,
You were a mother so hard to please,
I’m still gay,
But somehow I still found God,
Everyday feels disconnected,
Without you I’m a broken man,
Without me you’ll always be wondering,
“How are you, son?”
“Where have you been, son?”
“Do you forgive me, son?”
I’ll reply,
“I’m lost without you, mother,”
“Living alone barely making ends meet, mother,”
“I forgive you, mother.”

So let’s start over.

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! 🙂

What if…

Hello to my fallen angels! How is your weekend going? For a couple days now, I began to wonder what if certain things in my life were changed. Like in an alternative universe where I’m straight, my dad stayed in the picture instead of my mom, or if I was born in the 70s. How you ever read those comic books where they ask the same question? Like in Spider-Man: what if Spider-Man married the Black Cat? Or in X-Men: what if Wolverine was a woman? The whole idea of alternate time streams is so fascinating! For instance, if I was straight, my mother would still be in my life because there would be nothing she can’t accept. I would still probably live with her and therefore not have became independent as soon as I did in reality. I wouldn’t have meet my ex but instead would probably have been though the same motions with a girl. I would be a father by now because I enjoy sex. (Who doesn’t?) I would have never been a part of True Colors or even care to understand the fight for LGBT Rights. I would have been quite popular in grade school because there would have been no rumors about me being gay. My mother would be a miserable old hag in any given alternative universe so if she remained in my life, I would be miserable too because misery loves company. Nothing much would change when it came to my dad because he loves me regardless of my sexual orientation. My brother might be afraid that I would steal his wife away from him and therefore I might not have the close bond with him that I do now. Because my mom would accept my heterosexuality, I wouldn’t have been kicked out of her house and would have never met my current friends. God has a way of making something bad happen so that something worse wouldn’t take its place. So try this yourself. Imagine that one crucial part of you is different or nonexistent. See where and how far that timeline would meander off reality’s course of action. Have a wonderful day, my lovely fallen angels! Over and out.