A Method to his Madness

There’s a method to his madness,

A method to his chaos,

He thought I was a lost cause.

He thought love was weakness.

There’s a method to his pandemonium,

A method to his bedlam,

He thought I’d die by my own hand.

He thought his place was at the podium.

There’s a method to his madness,

A method to his pandemonium,

I am a spirit no longer in need of a medium.

He’ll never know I conquered the sadness.

There’s a method to his madness,

Because of him I strive for greatness!

Taking the High Road

Dear Power Vamp,

        At this point in my life, the memory of you is a mere fleeting thought of something that once pained me so. I used to refer to you as a god, but now, I realize you are nothing more than a power vampire. You survive off of siphoning positive energy from good and trusting people. You cannot produce your own positive energy which is needed to live a happy life. By that logic, you needed me, or my kind, rather, not the other way around. And for that, I feel sorry for you. 

Sincerely,

The One Who Got Away

Long Gone

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Heartbeat decreases
Pick up the pieces
Of a heart that’s long gone

Reinvent the wheel
Tell me how you feel
Of a heart that’s long gone

The Sun’s rays are too bright
You will combust in the light
Let the heat melt your broken heart
Let it pour into the mold of a new start

It will freeze in the dark
That’s the only way it resurrects
It will heal in the dark
Silence forms mental constructs

Waiting’s the worst part
Staring at a work of art
Of a heart that’s long gone

Chronokinesis
Formulate a thesis
Of a heart that’s long gone

The moon’s soldiers shine so bright
Shooting stars in the night
Let the constellations fade
They’re only missed when farewell they bade

You will flourish like sand in the wind
That’s the only way you’ll move on
You will live because you’re a godsend
Only the past is dead and long gone

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An Ex’s Cameo

Completely disregard what I said in Monday, Tuesday, busy days! Wednesday, Thursday, busy days! I had a horrible day yesterday! I ran into my ex-fiance on the bus heading to work. I was on my phone playing with my apps when he walked on the bus and stood a few feet away. I felt like someone stabbed me in the chest. He glanced at me and said to himself, “oh shit!” and pretended he didn’t notice me as he sat near the front of the bus. Mind you, I saw this in my peripheral vision so he didn’t know I noticed him. So I put my phone away back into its holster and I just stared at the back of his shaved, oblong head. The bus had been packed until half the occupants got off on the same stop. My ex got up to change seats when he finally noticed I was staring at him. He tried to be nonchalant with a nod accompanied by a tiny grin. But he clearly didn’t want to talk to me. There was an empty seat nearby him and I wasn’t going to miss this opportunity. I hadn’t seen him in over a year prior so who knows when I was ever going to run into him again. I sat beside him and said: “Hey! How are you?”
He said, “Good.”
Me: “Me too.”
Him: “So I didn’t know you go by this side of town.”
Me: “Yeah, I work around here now. At Toivo.”
Him: “That’s only a few blocks away…”
Me: “So you still live on Park Street?”
Him: “I never lived there before.”
Me: “Oh… where do you live now?”
Him: “Maple Street -”
Then awkward silence consumed the following 30 seconds.
Me: “I wanted to thank you.”
Him: “For what?”
Me: “For everything.”
He smiled. I stroked a Narcissist’s ego, apparently.
My bus stop was coming up.
He began to drone on and on about how he’s trying to renew his license and to get a car.
I tuned him out at this point. He was just gonna talk about himself. I’m also trying to get my driver’s license and a car but I wasn’t gonna say much more.
I had nothing to prove to him and I no longer expected anything from him.
When my bus stop finally came, I shook his hand and told him to have a great day before I departed.
Once I arrived at my job, I broke down but luckily my co-workers are some of my best friends and they supported me. I talked it out. They assured me I handled it very well and that I’m a strong, resilient person. We shared anecdotes and then we resumed our work. Surprisingly, I felt a lot better afterward. I was able to do everything I had to do yesterday. I even slept a full eight hours when I got home. Maybe that was the closure I needed. Maybe I’m finally over him.

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

An Angel’s Awakening (A-CUBED)

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Good morning to my blessed fallen angels! I finally got baptized today! It’s been long-awaited. (Aww! Look at me in my church clothes as opposed to my gothic garb.) I’m officially an Episcopalian now! I love my church family! I love God! People can disappoint me, betray me, neglect me, abuse me, avoid me, judge me, use me, and hurt me but I’m so happy to give myself up to The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit. I never have to worry about God doing any of those things to me that people have done time and time again. It’s all trials and tribulations. It’s expected to go through hardship in life in one way or another. I am definitely not an exception to that biblical rule. I have no regrets, no held grudges, and no hatred towards anyone or anything. Everything I have been through (“The Sufie Saga”) led me to this moment. My mother told me I made her depressed and that she should’ve aborted me, but I forgive her. The only man I have ever loved (so far…) broke my heart in ways I never thought was humanly possible, but I forgive him too. I’m so emotionally resilient. I have been abused physically, mentally, sexually, emotionally, and even spiritually (by a psychic Narcissist). However, I still manage to get out of bed in the morning, smile, laugh (sometimes manically), and uphold my daily responsibilities. Three weeks from now, I’m starting acolyte training to someday become a priest. I’m also in college to be a therapist for people with mental health problems. And I garner spiritual abilities of my own. Just yesterday, I was contemplating killing myself, but it’s amazing how God can save me just when I feel like giving up. I am going to help and heal a lot of people! I’m gonna make this world a better place than when I found it! On the other hand, I will still don the name, The One-Eyed Angel because this darkness infested with depression and rage will always be a part of me. It has helped me survive through the worst of times and helped me appreciate with ultimate gratitude the best of times. All emotions are temporary, both good and bad. I know I’m not gonna feel this happiness consistently for the rest of my life, but I accept that simply because I must accept that. Although I don’t have any close friends or family members who went to my baptism today, I have acknowledged already that my life is a lonely one so no surprises that no one outside my church family came today. I’m okay though. There must be some valid reason God didn’t place too many people in my life. Some can handle society while some can’t. To each his own. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Severed Cords

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Crawling blades of grass,
Plummeting plateau,
Bubbling suds cascading down,
Briny depths await below,
Aquatic departure,
Pristine submission,
Wooden pier,
Viridescent canoe,
Fishermen’s knot,
Man rolls luggage,
Wheels skip boastfully,
Schoolboy jolting towards the playground,
Eager to abscond the miasma,
From the reason he was animated,
To the denouement of my misery,
Belongings thrown posthaste,
Onto the adjacent side,
Machete poised and ready,
Sever the noose attached,
Unplug the silver cord that lost its spark,
Snatch oars in arms’ reach,
Row towards the new horizon,
Mistaken for vintage,
Imagery shrinkage,
Implosion internal bleeding,
Water’s surface spread pastel,
Violet and indigo and cerulean,
Darkest before the dawn,
For water knows no drink,
Apollo peeks prior its peak,
Rubicund and saffron and topaz too,
Hope exists regardless of where you are

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Standing by for fun…

Good morning to my misunderstood fallen angels! It’s been a while since I last posted something other than poetry, random reviews, and reblogs. For that, I humbly repent. So let’s get to it, shall we? After my first heartbreak, I’m not really in a rush to get my heart broken again. So I sit idly by as all my friends are all in relationships. But looking back, the fact that I even have friends now is quite an accomplishment on my behalf. And also another fact that I went from dealing with hardcore issues to mere high school shit is a blessing in disguise. Yeah, I may be single and lonely but I’m focusing on myself. I’m getting my driver’s license this Thursday and I started my second semester in college today. Apart from those goals reached, I also have a job now as a Suicide Warmline Operator. It’s just I’m so proud of myself. And I deserve it because I have been through so much. Besides, all my past relationships were unhealthy and affected me severely. And I’m saving up for a car. So I’m not gonna bother wasting money on dates where they just end badly anyway. Money that would better suit me in the long run if I just save it. I am at my best at this point in my life and when I fall in love, I fall hard. But at the end of it all, I have no regrets whatsoever. Hardship is the only way to strengthen the soul, I always say. I’ve survived worse. I’m keeping myself busy now that my Summer is over. I don’t see it as running away from my problems or repressing my feelings. I see it more as staying proactive, acknowledging my past and how it affects me to this day, and trying to move forward with my life. God takes someone out of your life to make room for someone better. That’s what I always tell myself. And a life without goals or purpose is a life not worth living. That’s why I keep it moving. I also realize that although not even my friends can understand me, no one will ever fully understand ever. To expect people to fully fathom my existence would be foolish. That’s too much expectations on anyone. And to be honest, I don’t want people, even the closest people to me, to figure out my mystery because anyone can betray me. I am only in complete control over myself. I am okay with that. So with that paranoia-infected note, I hope you all have a wonderful day! Over and out.

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

An EPIC tale of a new love

The king went insane from his grief,
His past was full of turmoil and fear,
No one has yet found the key to his heart,
Something happened to him that I’ve yet to comprehend,
He laid in his bedchambers in utter seclusion,
His touch grew cold his posture quite wary,
The maids and manservants catered to his every need,
I like to think his problems stemmed from a time prior to I,
Personally I try not to take his cruel proclamations,
But his pain had began to spread from his veins into mine,
Like a double-edged IV his misery became mine,
From his post I witness his wreathing agony,
As The Queen I felt it was my duty to enact an ordinance of peace,
So I convinced all the townspeople to help prepare a party,
To enlighten his spirits and repair the other half of his life,
His breath his movement his consummation implied nothing,
A feast had been prepared by the kingdom’s most prestigious cooks,
Down the hall I heard my lover scream for relief,
I jolted down the corridors to find his alcove was bolted shut,
I clawed and banged the wooden entryway til my hands bloody raw,
But what I wanted soon become the opalescence of my terror,
The doors gradually opened before a flash of rubicund ascended,
His eyes flashed the color of blood as a growl echoed everywhere,
It seems the darkness that shrouded his past became him,
Usually mistaken for power to me was really total weakness,
The King was not strong enough to resist the compulsion of Satan,
Tears fell as eyeliner and mascara was ruined in the process,

I ran with all my might no longer caring about the party I planned,
Rummaging through the closets I packed my necessities,
The back door and over the moat to my horse I thought I’d be,
But a handsome man stepped in my path leading to the unknown,
He said he could relate to my garnishing love of The King,
He was the king of a faraway land who received my invitation,
But how can he understand my dilemma if he never been in love,
The demon that stole my husband from me must be on his way down,
This beautiful man speaking to me had no idea what was going on,
But his beacon of hope and desire to love for the first time soothed,
Ignorant he was not naive he was not yet his longing was real,
I admired his angellic intentions I swear I almost forgot The King,
But Satan was hovering down each step down the staircase,
I knew now that the townspeople were doomed to die,
But the new king and I still had a chance to flee and survive,
Quickly I warned him of the imminent danger,
He said it was okay to leave the others behind,
My reign as queen of peace needed to cease its discord,
No longer did I feel it was my responsibility to cure the world,
Some people will never listen and must suffer in silence,
If they learn the hard way or decease trying,
Those choices were theirs’ to bear and not meant to be my burden,
So we fled the scene and rode the horse to another uncertainty,
An unpredicted solution that didn’t involve my self-inflicted demise,
The amount of love I posessed was never enough for The King,
Due to the fortress of disdain he had crafted to repel me,
Blood ran deep with us but Satan will forever feed on his anguish,

This new love I garner for the suitor I kept at bay for two years,
Became the very person that renewed all my faith in love,
His playfulness his masculine beauty his hope filled me up,
With joy and desire that I thought withered away long ago,
Green eyes told me it was time to go and leave the past behind,
That it was okay that I failed to save my former love,
It wasn’t my responsibility to begin with and now I’m free to explore,
Because the kindgom and its king was all I knew about life,
So I guess I’m not wise as much as I let on,
But now things have changed for the better,
I was so used to letting The King dominate our union,
This new love of mine lets me take control and is open to my efforts,
To bestow peace upon a new land despite the destruction of the last,
My new lover confides in me and acknowledges me for who I am,
I no longer feel obligated to hide my feelings and emotions,
Now I can hand The New King the keys to my heart,
This man is different whenever we disagree even his anger is bliss,
I realize I must love him no matter how much we argue,
I know now that this new love is an alabaster pristine ruler,
And I must never hurt him no matter what plot twists ensue,
Not all men are like my first love there are kings out there who do have hearts,
Never give up on finding someone whom you rightfully deserve,
Not only Queens are entitled to having feelings and emotions,
I will admit I, myself, am a king as well,
My big heart shouldn’t classify me as a woman but as the man I truly am,
So my new love and I will both be kings amongst a new world of self-discovery,
The townspeople will live in peace and not in fear ever again

Life: Break down. Get up. Repeat.

Good morning to my sleepy fallen angels! I love Sundays. It’s good to set aside one day a week to train myself spiritually by going to church. Lord knows I needed church this week. I had a hard time all week long. But I am okay now. I was taking a shower before I went to church earlier today and I was suddenly very aware of the shampoo and conditioner. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Like life. Break down. Get up. Repeat. Our daily lives are busy. Whether it’s school or work or anything else, we are doing the best we can to establish our place in the world. Rest. Repent. Love. Beautiful words I include in my daily prayers. My ex’s altrustic ways must have rubbed off on me somewhere along our past relationship. I wasn’t always happy or hopeful. I was once deep in rock bottom. So many things contributed to my rebirth. I am always grateful because I never lose in life. I either win or I learn, never neither, sometimes both. Break down. Get up. Repeat. Resilience is how long it takes for you to get up after you break down. Anyway, I saw this post on Facebook recently that asked if your ex and your phone were hanging off a ledge, which one would you save. Comments below were so vile. “My phone, duh!” Or “I can live without my ex but not without my phone.” How evil is that? Your ex is another human being regardless. You can always buy another phone. We are all human beings. We all have our internal struggles. I have mentioned this before but I can’t stress that enough. If someone betrays you, pray for them. If someone is rude to you, pray for them. Don’t hate one another. We all break down, get up, and do it all over again. Forgiveness is so damn beautiful! I care about everyone at all times. I’m not saying this just because I’m in a good mood right now. Life is short. And for someone to hold grudges and remain close-minded their whole life is a tragedy. That description reminds me of my mother. My childhood was violent and miserable. Just to live past 18 was a true accomplishment and bountiful blessing on my behalf. Then again, some mothers throw their babies in dumpsters or get abortions so my fate could have been much worse. I forgive my mother. But I can’t find her. She disowned me and then moved away without telling me where. So I forgive her to let go of the scared child inside and move forward towards the oriented. So live up to your responsibilities and allow yourself to break down sometimes. The sooner you do, the sooner you can get up once more. It’s okay to not feel okay sometimes. Allow God in your heart, your life, and He will show you the way to salvation. I realize that is the ONLY way. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.
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The ending of How I Met Your Mother (spoilers alert!)

Good morning my beautiful fallen angels! How did you sleep? I didn’t sleep much last night. I saw the final episode of How I Met Your Mother. It’s has surprisingly left a huge impression on me. But let me backtrack for those who are not familiar with the show.

How I Met Your Mother was a television series from 2004 to 2014 with nine seasons under its belt. The show centered around a man named Ted Mosby and his four friends, Marshall, Lily, Robin, and Barney. It’s actually a huge flashback through an anecdote that the future, 2030, Ted Mosby, is telling his son and daughter how he met their mother. Marshall and Lily were college sweethearts who fell in love and has stayed together ever since. Robin was a Canadian who moved to New York to pursue a career as a news reporter. Barney was the womanizer of the group whom ironically had quite the backstory of his own. Ted, himself, was an average guy who wanted to find his soul mate. Throughout the series, many events occur in this group of friends’ love lives as well as their professional lives. Ted dates a lot of women as the seasons passed but he was always stuck on his ex, Robin. Eventually, Barney puts aside his womanizing ways to establish a legitimate relationship with Robin. Ted is partly happy for them and partly upset that he seemed he missed his chance to ever getting back together with her. Marshall and Lily have their first kid but they soon start to oppose on the ideals on how to create a foundation for their family. During the last season, all 22 episodes are based on three days. Three special days that will follow until Robin and Barney’s wedding. Somewhere along the way, the woman Ted ends up with is only introduced as “The Mother.” Which goes back to the series’ title, How I Met Your Mother. Ted is devastated about his best friend’s and his ex’s wedding and decides it would be best to move away and start his life anew.”The Mother” soon becomes introduced as Tracy McConnell. She naturally enters Ted’s life and renews his faith for love as fateful not tragic. In the last couple episodes of the series, the setting returns to 2030 and it is revealed that the real reason why future Ted is telling this story to his kids is because he wanted to see if it was okay with them if he could move on. You see, Tracy ends up dying six years prior, in 2024, due to a terminal illness. Ted felt guilty that he still had feelings for Robin after all those years. She was single again because she and Barney get a divorce after three years of marriage because they grew apart. Barney ended up returning to his original womanizing ways and ultimately impregnates a younger woman. His child’s existence changes his way of seeing the world but it’s too late for him and Robin. The damage is already done. Marshall and Lily end up having three kids and move away, inevitably losing touch with the others. Ted had coped with his late wife’s death for six years before his children told him that it’s okay to move on. The last scene shows Ted going to Robin’s apartment to be together once more.

Overall the series finale left me in tears for hours. Who knew a show intended on being a comedy could be this impacting? It made me think about time and soul mates and fate. It’s sad that most people live their lives never knowing about true love. Most people ultimately settle for less due to impatience or dependency. Time is powerful. It keeps moving forward and never looks back. Everything happens for a reason. God takes people out of your life to make room for someone better. That’s why I try not to dwell on my failed relationship with my ex. It just shows that he wasn’t meant to be. That there is some guy out there in the world I haven’t met yet who is destined to be with me. Or maybe my soul mate has been in front of me the whole time. Who knows?

Ted always thought he met The One with every relationship he was in but his fate caught him by surprise. Just like it will with anyone. Personally I love how the series ended. Most people wouldn’t agree with me but I don’t think they understood the lesson behind it. Life is unpredictable and as humans, we adapt to whatever pertains to us individually. I enjoyed How I Met Your Mother right to the very end. Life is beautiful and it’s mystery is utterly intriguing. Have a wonderful day, my fallen angels!  Over and out.