Second Best

Hello to my courageous fallen angels! Lately I’ve been talking to a new romantic interest for the first time in two years (apart from my married friend with benefits and that guy from PRIDE club who led me on the whole time just to tell me he already had a boyfriend), but this time, it finally seems to be mutual.

If you have been following me for a while, you’ll know that I was once engaged to my ex-fiance. I proposed to a man twice my age because I really loved him, but our relationship was shaky from the start. He was living with an ex of his when we first met. He was condescending and controlling. He was so handsome and charming.  Only God knows what The Narcissist did behind my back. It terrified me how much I cared for him. I gave up my beliefs, my morals, and my dreams when I fell in love with him. I always told myself that if things didn’t work out with him, I would forever be condemned to settle for second best. Perhaps I jinxed myself when I placed him on a metaphorical pedestal. After all this time, thoughts of him still plague my mind at night, and tearing at my insides like a savage hunger. I look back and I realize that there were so many red flags that I refused to see. I had to let him go. He had total power over me, but enough was enough. The hardest thing I ever did was walk away from a man that I’m still, to this day, madly in love with.

Now with this new guy, I feel awful for even thinking that he’ll never compare to my ex-fiance. That I’ll never love him or anyone else, for that matter, ever again. But I need to give him a chance. He doesn’t have to compare to my ex, but he can be a different, more healthy romance.

I have been on my own for so long though. I have forgotten what love and desire even feels like in this chronic loneliness. I feel so dead inside. Like I’m just half-alive, going through the subtle waves of life until my inevitable and anticipated demise.

I was disowned by my family on my 18th birthday. But even before that, I had a feeling my mother stopped caring about me once I came out at 14 because she was a devout muslim and homosexuality was the devil to her. She probably planned my abandonment for the following four years. I was homeless, then I lived in a halfway house, and now I have my own apartment. For the first time, I’m paying bills, attending college as a full-time student, and looking for a new job. So technically, I don’t really need anyone. It’s just that there are so many lonely nights and all the one night stands I lost count of from those gay hookups apps are never enough. Artificial love isn’t as good as the real thing.

At this point, being in a relationship will result in me being either too clingy or too guarded. Honestly, I’d rather be too guarded if those were my only two options. I would like to at least keep my pride intact if nothing else.

It takes courage to open yourself up to someone after a heartbreak that you can very well never fully get over. But I can’t live like this anymore. If I find out he’s not as good a person as I’d like him to be, then I don’t have to put up with any shit from him or anyone else. I see more clearly now. Blindness and love are no longer synonymous terms. I love myself more than anyone else ever will. I am the only constant variable in my life. Everyone else tends to fade away after a while. I can’t get attached again… I just can’t….

What is a healthy relationship? I don’t know but maybe I’ll find out someday. If it’s not him, it’s someone else, right? See? I’m such a pessimist. I’m already planning on what to do if things go wrong with this new guy.

Well, wish me luck, my fallen angels! Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations!

“Is there a church membership?”

Hello again! Right after I added a new post this morning, I went to church for the first time in my life. I decided that I need a nearby church I can attend regularly every Sunday. I believe in God and pray every night before I go to bed. However, I felt I surpassed the maturity level to take religion and spirituality more seriously. I decided to be a Christian and open my heart to The Lord, The Son, and The Holy Spirit. I walked into my local church, completely clueless as to what to do once I stepped foot in there. The people there greeted me with open arms. They were so accepting and genuine. I wasn’t used to that. People usually are oblivious to my presense and I have come across so many who were negative, godless, and evil. I was brought up in a muslim family who hated gays and anything else that didn’t pertain to the Islamic faith. My mother was miserable and so negative though. I never thought she was a real muslim at all. But now that I am grown and out there on my own, I realized I can pick any religion I want. I was so lost and confused that I even asked the priest if there was a sign up sheet to get a membership to the church. He told me, “Of course not. You can just show up. It was a pleasure meeting you and I can’t wait to see you next Sunday.” No one has ever been that nice to me without wanting something in return. I feel blessed. And just a sidenote to my fallen angels, I call you all my fallen angels the same way Lady Gaga calls her fans her little monsters. It’s just for fun. I am not evil or anything. I hope you all know that. Thank you for always staying up to date with my posts. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Sticking with familiar or embracing something new?

Hello, my fallen angels! How is your weekend going? So today, I am going to talk about a time in one’s life where they must decide to stay the same or try something new. Sticking with routine is comfortable and predictable. It allows you to be at ease but also prevents you from experiencing new things. Trying something new may feel uncomfortable and unpredictable. You would leave your comfort zone but it allows you to learn and grow as a person. For instance, I was working out at the gym and realized that I have been doing the same regimen for four months straight. I felt too used to it and my regimen doesn’t even cover working my core or inner thigh, which are my two biggest concerns. So I spent two hours trying to construct a regimen B that I can do when I’m not doing my usual routine. It didn’t feel right though. I fear the unknown just like the next person. Should I just return to the old regimen or continue to create a new one? Either way, I am not forking over $50 for a single consultation with a personal trainer. So think about the current point in your life and analyze it in this perspective. You should try new things but sometimes it’s good to wait until you are ready to explore. I hope you fallen angels have a wonderful day! Over and out.