Drama Infestation

Good day to my anxious fallen angels! I thought I knew it all. Yet I also have this old proverb in mind: The wisest people can admit that they know nothing [compared to what they could know.] Being a loner is safe and calming. However, recently I have been challenging myself to be less introverted. So I joined PRIDE club at my college. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna bore you with the details of my ongoing obsession with a man I can’t have. They’re the most addicting kind of people. November 18th will be my first ever drag show. I will be a gothic queen named Seductress (seduce+mistress). The song I’m gonna do is Cool For The Summer by Demi Lovato. I gotta wax and do makeup. (Good thing I already bought my costume.) I have been practicing my dance routine in heels at my local park. Civilians pose a threat because anyone foreign of my knowledge is frightful to me. Anyway, I notice the other members of PRIDE club constantly talk shit about each other. Once someone leaves the room, the absent member becomes a target. No doubt they talk shit about me once I depart from their presence as well. That’s what I get for leaving my comfort zone for some fresh air. Perhaps fresh air doesn’t exist anymore, or ever did for that matter. So much drama occurs when people outside my mind come into view. I don’t trust them. But I’m not doing drag for them, I’m doing it for my own personal gain. I always wanted to try it. Joining PRIDE was a way to relinquish my curiosity and making friends was just an added yet far-fetched bonus. I know you all must be dying to see me in my alternative garb. I will definitely post pictures and maybe even videos of this spectacular event in my life when we cross that bridge together. My fallen angels, be careful but not too careful, or you will end up like me. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Misinterpreted Perception

Good afternoon to my infatuated fallen angels! It’s been a whole year since the ultimate conclusion of my ex-fiance’s tyranny. I haven’t really been dating anyone since. I had went on a couple dates with this one guy. I look back and I realize I probably shouldn’t have gone on a second date with him. He was a bitch. He was a 25 year old drag queen living with his mommy wasting his state benefits on drag accessories. He was a little boy playing dress-up. Anyway, besides that, loneliness now consumes my repertoire. I think I’m always going to love my ex-fiance, but I just have to learn how to live without him. Lately, though, I have been talking to this new guy. He seems to have his shit together. I’m just afraid he just perceives me as this gothic pervert. I wrote my previous post about him. We barely know each other yet I was stupid enough to show him it. He told me he liked how sexual and kinky and well-written Nocturnal Submission was. But then I started to wonder how he views me as a person. I’m not gonna lie, I had A LOT of sex in my 21 years of life. I used those apps like Grindr and Growlr earnestly through the years. But I’m sick of the sex scene. I’m ready to be in love again. I miss dressing up for a man, the lingering glances, the conscious awareness of when his elbow accidentally brushes up against me as we walk down the beaten path. Getting to know someone other than myself, for once. Wondering if he likes me as much as I like him. I think people tend to perceive me differently than the real me. Yeah, I’m goth, flirtatious, and facetious but I’m also loving, compassionate, and caring. I hate being vulnerable and serious around others. My defense mechanism involves humor and apathy. Yet I’m starting to learn that sometimes in life, there are instances where it’s better to be vulnerable in someone’s company. I feel like I can survive in the wilderness if I was stranded on an island or still end up on the Dean’s List if I went to college drunk everyday, but when it comes to social situations and establishing relationships, it’s the hardest thing I can ever do. I really like this new guy though. I want him to know my true intentions. I’m not looking for just sex. If I was, I would just download those apps again. It would be so easy to have a random man fuck me at my place then kick him to the curb afterwards. But it’s harder to create a real connection with someone. I don’t want to just exchange texts with him. I wanna hang out with him and get to know him. I wanna know his mannerisms, his habits, if he reads while silently lipsyncing or if he reads strictly in his head. I want a friend. A confidant. I wanna have their back while they have mine. An ally in this psychological war called life. He would never have to worry about me cheating or lying. This loneliness is killing me slowly but surely. I know I don’t need anyone but I want someone more than anything. I’m not desperate. I’m just overwhelmed but excited to admit that I’m finally ready to love again. I guess I’ll take it one day at a time. Maybe this new guy really did like my poem. Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe he’s just really busy today. Perhaps this love interest is reciprocated after all. Wish me luck in the days to come. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

“Sleigh”

My eyes see more when they are closed,

Memories emanate threats no longer posed,

I can listen better when my mouth is shut,

Born and raised from the cut,

I can feel better when our hands don’t touch,

Loveless intimacy doesn’t matter as much,

It doesn’t seem like people are people anymore,

Just living sex toys I can use then throw out the door,

I can breathe easier when I leave my comfort zone,

Can’t establish relationships only on the phone,

Confiding in friends I have feared to trust for so long,

And to swallow my pride will help me become strong,

Addiction is not just something you smoke or drink,

Eat or blow it could also be something you wouldn’t think,

Would cause such a catastrophic heartache,

Or physical acts of love you can effortlessly fake

Friendship for the enemy

Untapped potential,
Subtlety in man’s presence,
Ripe fruit neglected,
Good enough to render satisfaction,
Effort waned,
Vested interest failed to achieve,
Mustard seeds grow roots,
Bloom not yet in season,
Man goes where he please,
Trees must stay where they’re conceived,
Generalizations for if some then all,
Villager angered by late harvest,
Fades away before friendship matures,
Betrayed by Pontius so betrayed by everyone and everything,
Not by the farmer’s time,
Needs to make due for the tax collectors,
Can’t barter with the martyr if He’s already dead

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Words that make your skin crawl

Good morning! Today I will be a motivational speaker at Capital Region Mental Health Center in my state. Just yesterday I was feeling pretty low about myself. But I know even at the worst of times, things always seem to fall nicely into place afterwards. A friend once told me that when something bad happens, it’s never the end of the world but it’s also okay to not feel okay about something. Those words stayed with me even after I scared him off that day when I was venting to him. For the longest, I felt like I was trapped inside my mind, like I created this fantasy world within myself that I can’t escape from. I’m always on survival mode, like I’m forever in The Hunger Games arena. It may be paranoia; maybe because I subconsciously assume everyone wants to hurt me. But sometimes I have to stay home for a while to relieve my anxiety. That’s when I start listening and discovering new music that really speaks to me as if the singer sung the song especially for me. There are many songs that make my skin crawl and resurrect the butterflies that I thought died the moment I put aside my childish ways. One of them is Christina Perri’s I Believe. I posted the lyrics video so that you don’t miss any beautiful word. I love Christina Perri! A lot of people don’t because her music is deemed as depressing. But that’s what I hate about society, they try so hard to encourage happiness when at the same time, they are negating any form of sadness. Sadness, depression, misery, tradegy, loss, they all exist regardless how much we repress those emotions. It’s like frowning is even frowned upon. Songs like this let’s me know that it’s okay to not feel okay today. But the Sun will always rise. Have a wonderful day, my fallen angels! Wish me luck on my inspirational speech! Over and out.

Watch “I believe Christina Perri lyrics” on YouTube

How do I control empathy?

Good morning, my fallen angels!  All my life, I felt different from everyone else. I thought maybe it was because I was gay. So I joined True Colors. But that didn’t help at all. I still felt like the black sheep. As a child, I was hypersensitive to all the evil and wrongdoing I sensed all around me. I would cry for hours when I watched the news. Then as I got older,  I began to sense if people in my life had good or evil intentions.  To this day I still become overwhelmingly paranoid. It breaks my heart to see someone upset and I can’t help them. Even complete strangers. I want to hug them or something but that’s not socially acceptable. I have had depression and suicidal ideation since I was 14. Now that I’m grown,  I was able to eventually get off my antidepressants and I haven’t been admitted to the psych ward in two years now. I was so young when this all began. I realize that there was no reason for me to feel so miserable at such a young age. That maybe it was because of my mom. She was morbidly depressed and overweight. She had no way of dealing with stress in a positive way.  My mother would gossip about my dad in front of me as a kid as well as put me down. She used to call me fat-ass, stupid, dumb “just like my father” (I hated when she said that), and my sister’s were in on it too. They called me the sick boy because I was in and out of in-patient care and had therapy and prescription medications starting from freshman year of high school.  I think I sensed their evil ways since I was born. And I had acquired their hopeless and malicious thought patterns. I believe in my heart that I am an empath but I need a spiritual leader or guide to help me to control my abilities. I am spiritually lost. I know I have a lot of potential in many aspects of my life. However as long as this world’s negativity envelops me in darkness, that potential i possess will be rendered forever. If anyone  can sincerely and genuinely show me the way to understanding, then please do so. There’s so much more to empathy than I know about. I hear that I must practice cleansing, grounding, and protection. But where do I begin? Thank you for always reading my posts and have a wonderful day, my brilliant fallen angels!  Over and out.