Warmline Operator Bio

Before recovery, my life was…

hopeless, frustrating, and lonely. My family was very negative and constantly putting me down. Getting kicked out was a blessing in disguise.

My thoughts and feelings when I first started recovery were…

skeptical and pessimistic because people always told me that life will get better. I thought it was nonsense until I started believing in God and realizing that hardship is the only way to strengthen the soul.

What would you say is different about yourself now that you are in recovery, compared to how your life was before?

Positivity tends to come to me naturally now. I am a lot more self-aware and resilient as well. I have less people in my life these days, but at least I know now how to extract negative people from my social circle.

What are three ways that you maintain your recovery today?

a. Blogging

b. Physical Fitness

c. Keeping Busy (working out, attending college, going to church, etc.)

If you had the opportunity to tell another young person why they should seek recovery, what would you say?

Life is too short to be ashamed of your mental health problems. If you ignore them and leave them untreated, you will always be in misery. Life is not a video game either. You don’t have multiple lives. You only have one and it’s fragile and precious. We all have the ability to better ourselves and convert our trauma and hardship to our advantage.

Help is not the same without family

Hola! What adventures will you embark on today? Anyway, lately I have been getting the feeling that nobody genuinely cares about me. Boo hoo! Lol But in all seriousness,  I have been in the system since I was 14 years old. No, I’ve never been arrested. 14 was the year I first tried to commit suicide. Since then til last year, I was in psych wards, state hospitals, alternative schools, group homes, residential, and transitional homes. I had my fair share of therapy and psych medicine. Although I have come a long way in my road to recovery, this gnawing feeling of inhospitable loneliness clings onto me everyday. I never had a stable home or anyone I really considered family. I had a lot of services throughout the years though. Don’t get me wrong! I’m very grateful for my therapist and additional services I receive from DMHAS but I doubt it’s the same as having a family. I watch a lot of tv and I see these shows like Modern Family or The Middle. Family seems like a burden and they may be annoying as all hell but at the end of the day, they have each other’s backs. Besides one day of the week, my therapist is off the clock. I had the same therapist for years but I doubt she considers me family. She has a family and life of her own and I’m simply just a client. I accept that for what it is. What does it feel like to be a part of a family?  The idea of family repulses me to no end yet maybe that’s because I find it to be co-dependent and weak. At the end of the day, I know if I fail to pay my bills, I will homeless again. If I get arrested, no one will bother to bail me out. If I run out of food, no one will give me any. That’s life. At least that’s my life. Family would sure help but I’m so independent and a lone wolf simply doesn’t have the luxury of dependency. Sure my therapist or my job coach could help me if I needed a bus pass or a laundry card but that’s not like family. There’s a procedure and paperwork that has to be done in order to keep me serviced. It’s not out of the kindness of their hearts. They get paid to help me. I’m grateful but I have yet to know what’s it’s like to be cared for. It seems the only way to have a family is to marry into one. I would have to allow myself to fall in love and share my life with someone else. That’s frightening. My brother has no sense of family either. He married into a family but by observation, he will never officially be an addition to his wife’s family entirely. They don’t go out of their way for him. They do a halfass job just to make him think he’s any importance to their family. It’s sad but my brother would rather tolerate that than face the fact that I am the only family he has left. That he is just as alone as I am. I, myself, can’t live in denial like he can. But to each his own, I guess. In retrospect, maybe marrying into a family isn’t a secure option either. I’m contempt with being alone. I have my services, my confidant, very few friends, and my coping skills. I must continue to live regardless of the cards I was dealt. Have a wonderful day, my fallen angels! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! 🙂

To let him down gently

Hello to my fallen angels! As a child, I was weak, naive, innocent, vulnerable, and defenseless. I had always been on the receiving end of heartbreak, trauma, abuse, neglect, and disownment. Now that I am grown, I realize just how it feels to inflict pain on others. The tormented becomes the tormentor. I find myself saying things to people that makes them instantly suicidal. A summary of my psychoanalysis of them. Just like the things my ex used to say to me. My ex was psychic and he said that if I knew my future, I would lose my mind and end up in an asylum for the rest of my life. He also said that after two years of knowing each other, he only let me through the side door. He never intended on giving all of himself to me ever. I felt suicidal in a heartbeat. Now there’s this new guy I am talking to that I am no longer interested in. Now I find myself having to end something that will hurt someone the same way my ex hurt me. I already constructed a psychoanalysis of the new guy and if I really wanted to, I could easily destroy him with my words as well. But I would never inflict the amount of pain my ex inflicted on me once upon a time. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. I haven’t really been 100% honest with the new guy. In a nutshell, he lives with his mother, four years older than me, no savings, no car, no friends, no sense of independence, a virgin, and he has the mentality of a female. Which turns me off quite so. Thats a summary. I could put more on this post but nothing good will come out of that. Subconsciously, my ex is my idol, my dark side that I find very sexy yet terrifying at the same time. Why Harley Quinn stays with Joker no matter how much he abuses her? Or why do women stay with abusive men when everyone knows there are ways to get out? It’s because there’s this sick, twisted side of people like me that enjoy being miserable, temperamental, argumentative, and submissive. So now three days straight, the new guy has been texting me hysterical cus I’m no longer replying to my texts. The same reason waiting for my ex’s call was a kind of maddening torture. I don’t know how to let him down gently the same way my ex didn’t even bother doing. I am in a better place in my life than I have ever been. I live alone with a built up savings account for I am very ambitious. I pay my own bills and I been through so much hardship that I am resilient, apathetic, and guarded. Nothing really phases me anymore. Some things that help me cope with a broken heart (as an empath) are practicing daily on grounding, centering, and shielding. The reason I care about letting this new guy down gently is because I want to be a better person my ex was. To be honest, if I never got my heart butchered by my ex’s pink knife, I wouldn’t give a damn about being nice. But my former flame changed the way I see the world. I could become him or forever oppose him. I choose the latter. For if my ex is truly evil, and I am a good soul, then by definition, our forces will forever clash. Not literally, metaphorically. So my good act will be to let the new guy down gently. But how I do that when I’m so used to enjoying hurting people? I’m asking you, my fallen angels, is there a good way to break things off with someone? If so, how? A victim-to-bully-to-redeemed-soul. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! 🙂

“I Forgive You, Mother”

It seems like forever,
Last I spoke to you, mother,
The past is over,
Bridge above the water,
Let’s turn the page,
Let’s kill the rage,
Alleviate the sacrilege,
Seek salvation within,
We all have garnished souls,
Facing our demons,
Stepping on hot coals,
Senseless resurrection,
Of the unknown,
The merge between Heaven & Hell,
Occurs in our daily lives,
It’s so easy being angry,
So hard to forgive,
It took massive heartbreak,
Surviving suicide after suicide,
The realization that no one can replace you,
It all starts and ends with you,
Mother,
Oh Mother,
Now I understand,
I was a child so naive,
You were a mother so hard to please,
I’m still gay,
But somehow I still found God,
Everyday feels disconnected,
Without you I’m a broken man,
Without me you’ll always be wondering,
“How are you, son?”
“Where have you been, son?”
“Do you forgive me, son?”
I’ll reply,
“I’m lost without you, mother,”
“Living alone barely making ends meet, mother,”
“I forgive you, mother.”

So let’s start over.

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! 🙂

Clean Up, Clean Up, Everybody Do Your Chores!

Phew! Today was my church’s annual clean up. We did the lawn work and the memorial garden. I signed up to volunteer for it weeks in advance. Originally I signed up because I’m the newest member of the church and I wanted to give a great first impression. I was kinda dreading today but once I began working on the field, it was such an amazing experience. My church family are so welcoming and sincere. It made today a pleasant day after all. We took breaks and talked about the history of the church and the people whose ashes are spread within the memorial garden. It’s funny because I turned down an offer to go to Lake Compounce this morning. To be honest, I didn’t feel like dealing with people in my age group today. Sometimes I need a break from them. They can be very annoying. I’m the youngest member of my church and I always get along better with older people anyway. It’s always been that way. I preferred befriending my teachers in grade school. My ex fiance was literally twice my age! I would rather be around older folks. There’s advantages and disadvantages to age. Romantically it’s mostly a bad idea. The older someone is, the more baggage they have. I learned that the hard way… Anyway, age also predetermines the maturity ballpark, so to speak. The older someone is, the more mature they might be. I say might because there are people much older than me who are nowhere near my level. Back to the church clean up, I’m currently finished and eating a dunkin donuts new chip’s ahoy donut and coffee. Life is great when you do hardwork and get praise for it. I never was praised as a kid or even rewarded. That’s probably why my childhood was so screwed up. Oh wells! It’s never too late to redeem yourself. Have a wonderful day, my hard-working fallen angels! Over and out.

Triskelion

I was an ugly little boy,
Chubby with a lazy eye,
My only friend was a toy,
How unfortunate was I?
I’m not gonna lie,
When it came to kids I wasn’t the best kind,
I made my mom want to die,
Triskelion, spirit, body, and mind

Meandering through the halls,
Of school staring down at my feet,
Prisoner of my mind my head the walls,
I wanted so badly to admit defeat,
Rage surged within I felt the heat,
As one day I finally released the bind,
As I lost control once I stood from my seat,
Triskelion, spirit, body, and mind

In utter fear of the unknown,
I did not care for penance,
My mind was blown,
Ambulance sirens then silence,
I woke up at the ER as reality commenced,
I wanted to leave I remember I whined,
But all they did was observe with condolence,
Triskelion, spirit, body, and mind

I reflect on my childhood,
So glad I left that little boy behind,
So much personal growth since the not-so-good,
Triskelion, spirit, body, and mind

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Lotus, an album’s review

Hello my fallen angels! This time I will be talking about Christina Aguilera’s latest album: Lotus. When it first came out, I didn’t think much about it. I thought Bionic was her best album. But at that point in my life, I wasn’t ready for Lotus. You see, Bionic explored a more sexier, dominatrix side to Christina. I related more to that as a teenager. I was still getting used to being out of the closet and I needed to feel sexy because I used to have low self-esteem. Now at this point in my life, I have conquered so much and gained a lot of personal growth. Lotus was a step up from Bionic. Lotus reflects on Christina’s own personal growth. And that was why I used to disregard Lotus. I simply didn’t relate to it before because I wasn’t hopeful and I didn’t believe in God. But now I do. Now I can interpret the feeling of rising from the ashes and shedding my skin to leave the past behind. No longer a frightened little boy. Now I embrace the man I have become. Bionic symbolized exploring oneself and trying new things. Lotus represents becoming a full-fledged man or woman and learning to love yourself enough to let go of the past. I’m ready to delve into Lotus’ core theme of rebirth. It is a beautiful thing to seek penance and to let things go. Christina Aguilera’s transition from Bionic to Lotus is a monumental example of personal growth. Resilience will better help you to appreciate the state of mind pertaining to Lotus. If you’re not ready to be reborn, then continue to find yourself and learn to realize that there is no need to be so quick to anger. Music is powerful. Music is life. Have a wonderful day, my fallen angels! Over and out.