Through the eyes of a trusted companion

Waiting for him to wake up is time allotted by anxiety. He looks so peaceful even though dried-up tears became eye crust throughout the night. I hear the bed creek louder than before. Not just stirring in his sleep but actually back from slumber. I indulge in this delight more than I ever had in the company of anyone else. He gets up and heads towards the toilet. I follow him and coil my body besides his feet. He’s so warm and affectionate. It always seems like the sadness he felt the night before is suddenly forgotten for around the first minute or so before he starts to mutter under his breath again. That guy who used to come over to visit my owner doesn’t come by anymore. I never saw master more happy than when he was with that other guy. He’s so lonely now and it kinda makes me feel bad about myself because I don’t make him as happy as that guy did. Nowadays this new guy has been showing up quite sporadically but he’s different. There’s no feelings behind their union. Like they’re using each other for artificial love. Anyway, after he’s done doing his business, I watch him disconnect his phone from its charger to check if anyone recalled his existence during the night. A sigh is released when he places the phone down to refill my food and water bowls. Talking to me like I’m a baby as if he forgot my procedure to get spayed this Summer was the epitomy of my adulthood. But I forgive him. Apart from his condescending and facetious nature, he is a misunderstood caregiver and I appreciate him everyday. He’s so loving and gentle when he wants to be. I nimble a little of food and slurp a bit of water until I look behind to see him waiting for me on the couch. I leap onto his lap. Immediately, he pets me and holds me so tenderly. Sometimes, I think he would prefer a man over me but I can never be sure. I could never muster the courage to ask him. It’s not like he can speak my language anyway. I tend to jump back down when he transitions from baby-talk to silence. I head back to my litter box and become fixated at the fact that he needs to giddy up and change the litter. What’s stopping him from cleaning his dishes or refilling my litter box? It’s a beautiful, sunny day outside yet he’s inside sulking and texting on his phone. Afternoon approaches quickly today. I try to take a nap near the door but then someone starts knocking on the other side. I was startled by the abrupt sound. My master jolts up from his seat to allow the new guy to walk in. They always begin the visit with idle chit-chat until the speaking stops and is replaced with a lot of touching. I don’t want to see this so I disappear into the bathtub until I eventually hear the door close once more. My owner takes off that mask he puts on when he’s around others of his kind. That depressing, lonely look he hides so well. I know to get out the bathroom so he can wash the shame from his body. The air-conditioner is on and I’m feeling good. Nightfall arrives inevitably. He prays on his knees beside his bed. Poor guy has the whole world in his prayers. I admire how no matter how low he feels, he never gives up anything he has to do. Finally, he crawls within the fathoms of his blanket atop his bed. The lights are off and I automatically know to take my place on his stomach. He pets me again until his drowsiness knocks him out cold. Taking him out of reality temporarily. Stealing him away from all his worries and cares until the Sun pulls him back to me once more.

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Rowan Williams’s “Being Christian: Baptism, Bible, Eucharist, Prayer”

Good morning to my literate fallen angels! What’s up? Lol So today I wanted to take a short break from poetry to do a review on this book my priest gave me. I finished reading it over a week ago but I got so caught up in my poetic injustice that it totally slipped my mind until now. Anyway, the title of the book is the same as the title of this post so no need to repeat myself. There were only four chapters and 80 pages altogether so it was quite an easy read. Baptism. Bible. Eucharist. Prayer. You probably noticed me using these four terms in my previous posts as of late. I’m not sure that someone born into Christianity is supposed to go in the same order as I stated or if it’s in a random sequence. Regardless I definitely didn’t go in order. I thought Baptism was a way to cleanse my spirit of sin but it’s much more than that. Williams’ ideals on Baptism were that it’s a way to allow the Holy Spirit to enter your life to accept that we are all suffering one way or another but we should acknowledge it and be there for one another. The text font and size made it even easier to comprehend what he was saying. Bible was the name of the second chapter. I thought the Bible was a collection of stories about the past when Jesus was still around but by reading Being Christian, I now realize that was the tip of the Iceberg. The Bible is a book of revelations which are basically all the trials and tribulations a person is destined to go through one way or another. It’s not about the confusing family trees or the hard-to-pronounce names. But it’s about putting yourself in the characters’ shoes. It’s about handling situations of all sorts. Everything that happens in our lives happened to our ancestors and the generations before us as well as future generations. Love. Heartbreak. Corruption. Betrayal. Family quarrels. Adultery. Politics. That list literally goes on and on. Check out my older post: Life is a play! I usually don’t use the word literally unless the situation calls for it and this one certainly does. I learned in the third chapter that Eucharist is not for a select group of chosen people but a way to imitate and symbolize the Last Supper. Bread is His body, Wine is His blood. We “feast” as a way to appreciate Jesus’s sacrifice on the cross. I notice from personal experience that a priest doesn’t let you partake in the “feast” unless you’ve been Baptized. I always have to cross my arms over my chest until I get Baptized sometime in November. It’s better than being completely left out. Prayer is the last chapter and it had me improving the way I pray. It’s not about talking to God directly but talking to Him through Jesus. For Jesus was God in human form as a way to prove to mankind that he was real. Before Christ, barely anyone believed in God but they couldn’t see him for themselves. Gratitude. Forgiveness. Blessing. Some reasons prayer is done. I enjoyed reading this book and I will treasure it always. The discussion questions at the end of each chapter and the margined quotes that stood out from the reading made it easier for me to focus and comprehend what each chapter was really about. Overall, I would give this book a 4.5/5. Now I know for sure what it takes to be Christian. If I came across as preachy or Jehovah-witnessy, I apologize for this nuisance. But it’s a book review and if you don’t want to be preached then don’t see it that way. I love you all, my fallen angels! In every passage in the Bible, love always conquers all forms of evil. So let’s stop being negative and open ourselves up to new experiences and ideas. Get to know one another as much as possible. No gossip or digging for dirt on each other, but really allow yourself to understand how another person views the world and their beliefs. Agree to disagree. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.
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Why is abuse attractive?

Hello to my worldwide fallen angels! How was your day? So strangest thing happened today. I was watching what I can assume was a rerun of Burn Notice. I don’t know if you ever heard of it. It’s a show about this guy who was blacklisted from the CIA and is forced to do missions for various people to earn his way back to the force. Burn Notice is not the main point of this post. It’s just that there’s a storyarc in the series about the man’s past concerning an abusive father and resilient mother who had to go through so much to raise him. Anyway it triggered something in me that I can’t even understand. You see, my ex was abusive towards me but for some reason, when I saw today’s episode of Burn Notice, I had this weird idea to call him. I didn’t, of course! But still, I don’t get why a domestic violence scene would enable me to want to call my ex. That’s not a normal human reaction to such things. Why am I like that? Can anyone relate? It’s not like abuse is sexy or healthy at all. At least it shouldn’t be. I will never allow myself to go through that psychological torture that was my relationship with my ex. I refuse to ever call him again. I just had to say something. Without blogging, the loneliness would probably have taken advantage of that brief window of weakness. It seems like the things in life that are bad for me are the most tempting. My ex is forbidden fruit and I’ll admit it’s gonna take me a loooonnngggg time to fully be okay with his absence. It’s been almost a year already and when I think I’m okay, something triggers me into thinking about him again. I have gotten over guys in the past, but I didn’t know what love was back then. Maybe I still don’t. Love isn’t abusive. If that’s the case, then I have never been in love ever. According to that logic, my ex fiance will just be another hurdle I must train myself to jump over. Maybe I merely scratched the surface of love is. I never felt so confused in my life prior to the day we met. Even when he’s physically not around, he has this control over me apparently. Being aware of this control is the key to resisting the urge to contact him. The same way I work out or meditate or train myself to ground, center, and shield due to my empathic ways, I must also train my entire being to resist my ex as well as any other forbidden fruit. No matter how tasty. That’s life. A constant struggle between good and evil, within yourself. That war is always an internal one. Anything outside of yourself is out of your control. If everyone focused more on themselves and facing their demons rather than pointing fingers at each other, this world would be a better place. Unfortunately other people’s troubles allow us to forget about our own. It’s easier to place blame on others. I have a war raging inside me. But I must always keep in mind The Three Laws. Law of attraction will persuade me to be positive so that more positivity is attracted to my being. Negating that law would be to be negative ultimately allowing negativity to take over me. Law of allowance encourages me not to let my fears and anxiety render me from new thought patterns and experiences. Closing myself off because of the past will inevitably prevent me from seeking any chance of salvation. Law of acceptance is to admit to myself that my ex is toxic and even though I feel lonely, at least I have a chance to grow and find myself. God took my ex out of my life for a reason. I must accept that and trust that God is paving the way for my time of peace and true love. Pray for me. The whole world is in my prayers. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

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Loneliness and guilty pleasures

Brimstone and shadow shrouds my soul,
Makes me unapproachable,
Suffocating the light within,
With selfish acts of sin,
I know that it’s wrong to comply,
With the darkness deep inside,
The faithless and spiritually blind,
Cannot see nor fathom my kind,
Fallen angels guarding what consumes us,
Memories resonate of an incubus,
Fear and intrigue morphed into love,
Red flags ignored warnings from above,
Events occur way beyond my maturity level,
Inevitable death fabricated damsel,
Screaming out distorted love songs,
Sirens casting out lectures amongst,
The loneliness can replace the devil beneath the sheets,
Guilty pleasures in the form of love stains meets,
Underneath a canopy of infatuation,
Submerged further into oblivious condemnation,
Rock bottom is my summer resort,
Acrobatics convey with their bodies contort,
Lethargy and hopelessness is a comfortable satire,
To wear to the ball before clock strikes midnight’s dire,
Unveiling of the truth behind the mask,
Questions I was too afraid to ask,
Answers that can kill me instantly,
Better to live loved faintly,
Lies and bittersweet fellatios,
And meaningless exchanges of promises forms ratios,
Truth slays my heart forever more,
Need time to self-reflect escape the masquerade ball,
Seek salvation as I delve into the mystery,
My closed mind opened so I brace myself to feel life’s agony,
Holy retribution and holy water divine,
Baptism isn’t a cure-all nor is it a drawn line,
The bible shouldn’t be a bibliographical anomaly for zealots,
Eucharist is the coming of saints acknowledging their imperfections, Prayer is to submit and admit I’m nothing but a dot,
In life’s perpetual and everlasting discretion,
I’ll admit that i know nothing compared to what I could know,
If I knew life’s secrets I would lose my mind,
To live contempt and in the moment I’ll show,
God that I am worthy of being risen and not left behind

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