A Short Sabbatical

Hello to my living fallen angels! I got discharged from a psych ward for the millionth time the other day. I tried to commit suicide once again. I overdosed last week and I was sure that I would finally die this time around because I took a lot of pills and chased them down with some cough syrup. I’m very disappointed that I survived but I know there’s a small part of me that is glad I did. If I honestly 100% wanted to die, then I could jump in front of a train or jump off a certain 11-floor building… It turns out that I kinda wanna live. I was overdue for a vacation and my local psych ward was just the place to unwind and heal from the stressors that make up the majority of my existence. I made a lot of great friends at the hospital. It seems like the mental health system is where I make all my friends worth staying in touch with. I don’t have much in common with Normies (people who were never in the mental health system and are therefore deemed “normal”) so I tend not to establish friendships with them. I realize my light side is just as influential to my life as my dark side is. I have a lot going for me. I’m pursuing a career in Psychology through college. I work as a suicide hotline operator (ironic, isn’t it?) and that opens the door for joining Recovery University, where I can further indulge in my chosen field. I want to be a mental health psychologist. That way, I could still be in the ambience of the hospital without being a patient. Two distinct halves of me learned to balance in equilibrium. One being that “if I ever found out I had cancer, I honestly would feel relieved.” The other being that “we’re all human subjected to trials and tribulations and I can’t find it in me to hate or hold grudges against anyone.” Anyway, now I’m just trying to get back into the grooves and patterns of my everyday life again. I love you all, my fallen angels! We are doing the best we can! Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

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#TBH

Hello to my reclusive fallen angels! It seems I’m always chastised for being the only one whose honest. I’m infatuated with him. I don’t know him that well yet to have legitimate feelings but I’m aware of a few things about him that aren’t bad at all. He’s caring, artistic, funny, smart, and he’s one of the most beautiful men I have ever known. He enjoys playing video games and he knows his way around cosmetics. The thing is that I was a DCF kid. My childhood composed of trauma and abuse which led me to growing so accustomed to The System that I never learned the social skills needed to interact with Normies (people who were never in The System and is sane enough to appear normal even if they’re not). I believe that I never fully adapted to the real world; I never successfully transitioned from a hospital ambience to the community setting. This theory would definitely explain why I’m so socially awkward. I have a habit of making people feel uncomfortable and actually taking pleasure in it. You see, in psych wards, talking about depression, suicide, rape, and the like were topics of conversation. We made humor out of it because they were the only things to define our lives. It’s why I have a very dark, warped sense of humor. I know it’s hard to take me seriously but I use humor as a coping/defense mechanism. If I stop laughing, I’ll fall apart. It’s why I feel all alone in the world. I know I talk about loneliness a lot but it’s my only reality. I don’t know how to allow my crush to take me seriously; that I’m not a joke and that I’m not only interested in sex. I didn’t think he was into me until I found out he volunteered to do my makeup for the drag show I spoke of in my post, Drama Infestation. I don’t know with him. He’s wishy-washy. I don’t want to put my hopes up too high but I can’t wait to see if our O’s will become X’s soon. I’m not afraid to be honest. Maybe at least one of my fallen angels will read this and muster up the courage to be honest too. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂