Ascend the Miasma

Victim was our surname
It’s all we’ve ever known
We thought we could tame
Each other feeling so alone

We loved like martyrs
I never knew I was brave enough
You pushed me even farther
I endure the grief for the both of us

You’re a hard soul to save,
With an ocean in the way,
But I’ll get around it,
I thought I could get around it…

My emerald chakra was guarded
Snipers poised ready to fight
They fell back with just one word
They should have shot you on sight

A Guarded Heart and Gentle Words

I’m on my knees,

You’re how I pray,

Begging you “please,

Just let me stay…”

It’s crazy how I’m always the one who initiates the conversation everyday. And when one day, I don’t begin the day’s discussion, he never even contacts me. If only he knew just how much the silence kills me. If only he knew how hard it is to wait for him to be ready like I am. If only he knew just how different and better I am than any other man he had been with. He would understand what he’s truly missing. A faithful and loving companion who would appreciate his masculinity, his compassion, his hardwork, his caution, his fear, his pain, his joy, and his time. He would find the greatest love of his life. Me.

Confessions of a Hopeless Romantic

You think you’re the only one who hurts? One thing that mankind has in common with its own brethren is that we all suffer and experience such impeccable pain. You are doing the best you can. There’s a lot of pressure on your shoulders because many people depend on you. But it is such a blessing to even know you and for you to even want to spend time with me, let alone talk to me at all. I learned in life no one ever has to spend any time on me. They do it because they want to, not because they have to.  Every social interaction and every relationship established between two people is a blessing and it should be cherished and appreciated no matter how it ends or if it ever does. You don’t have to go through everything alone anymore. We could be a team. I have your back and you have mine. It would be a give and take. That’s how it should be. I’m so sorry that you have endured such past hurt, but I am not the one to blame. I noticed you generalize quite often, and I would hate for you to not indulge in the discovery we can have together just because you place me in a box with other men. You would lose so many opportunities with that sick habit of yours. You think I don’t know why you’re afraid to love again? I’ve been hurt too. You cry a little but so do I. And if you give a little, so will I. Look here, I know you said we should take things slow, but I don’t think we have being doing that anyway. We’ve already made love. Shouldn’t we have already done that after the fact? I know you said we could date other guys and that you wouldn’t mind if I was talking to other guys, but I don’t want to date other guys and I don’t want to talk to other guys. I want to be with you and only you. I think about you all the time. I yearn to be in your presence and for our passion and tenderness that we share in the bedroom. I want you to be mine and I want to be yours. I know you want to take things slow but we haven’t been taking it slow the whole time. If we can make love as beautifully as we’ve done, then why not go to see a movie together or have dinner together? I want to be a part of your life. I want to meet your family and friends and I want you to meet my family and friends. I want to integrate you into my life and I want you to do the same. Is that so bad?

Second Best

Hello to my courageous fallen angels! Lately I’ve been talking to a new romantic interest for the first time in two years (apart from my married friend with benefits and that guy from PRIDE club who led me on the whole time just to tell me he already had a boyfriend), but this time, it finally seems to be mutual.

If you have been following me for a while, you’ll know that I was once engaged to my ex-fiance. I proposed to a man twice my age because I really loved him, but our relationship was shaky from the start. He was living with an ex of his when we first met. He was condescending and controlling. He was so handsome and charming.  Only God knows what The Narcissist did behind my back. It terrified me how much I cared for him. I gave up my beliefs, my morals, and my dreams when I fell in love with him. I always told myself that if things didn’t work out with him, I would forever be condemned to settle for second best. Perhaps I jinxed myself when I placed him on a metaphorical pedestal. After all this time, thoughts of him still plague my mind at night, and tearing at my insides like a savage hunger. I look back and I realize that there were so many red flags that I refused to see. I had to let him go. He had total power over me, but enough was enough. The hardest thing I ever did was walk away from a man that I’m still, to this day, madly in love with.

Now with this new guy, I feel awful for even thinking that he’ll never compare to my ex-fiance. That I’ll never love him or anyone else, for that matter, ever again. But I need to give him a chance. He doesn’t have to compare to my ex, but he can be a different, more healthy romance.

I have been on my own for so long though. I have forgotten what love and desire even feels like in this chronic loneliness. I feel so dead inside. Like I’m just half-alive, going through the subtle waves of life until my inevitable and anticipated demise.

I was disowned by my family on my 18th birthday. But even before that, I had a feeling my mother stopped caring about me once I came out at 14 because she was a devout muslim and homosexuality was the devil to her. She probably planned my abandonment for the following four years. I was homeless, then I lived in a halfway house, and now I have my own apartment. For the first time, I’m paying bills, attending college as a full-time student, and looking for a new job. So technically, I don’t really need anyone. It’s just that there are so many lonely nights and all the one night stands I lost count of from those gay hookups apps are never enough. Artificial love isn’t as good as the real thing.

At this point, being in a relationship will result in me being either too clingy or too guarded. Honestly, I’d rather be too guarded if those were my only two options. I would like to at least keep my pride intact if nothing else.

It takes courage to open yourself up to someone after a heartbreak that you can very well never fully get over. But I can’t live like this anymore. If I find out he’s not as good a person as I’d like him to be, then I don’t have to put up with any shit from him or anyone else. I see more clearly now. Blindness and love are no longer synonymous terms. I love myself more than anyone else ever will. I am the only constant variable in my life. Everyone else tends to fade away after a while. I can’t get attached again… I just can’t….

What is a healthy relationship? I don’t know but maybe I’ll find out someday. If it’s not him, it’s someone else, right? See? I’m such a pessimist. I’m already planning on what to do if things go wrong with this new guy.

Well, wish me luck, my fallen angels! Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Back to Basics

The arrow struck me down
Right before he flew away.
I landed in a rosy meadow.
I made my bed with the earth
At the foot of a Grecian goblet.
An elixir filled it to the brim.
It sparkled gold beneath the Sun
Like a spectre looming over the beat of life.
So bright and so peculiar,
I’m blind!

A wooden sign nidificated the rim:
“Sip it slowly
Don’t gulp it
Savor the flavor
Give and take”
– Give and take…
But no one else was there.
I looked around but all was wilderness,
Trees swaying to a silent song,
Grounded but not solitary.

A distant memory vacated repression.
I’ve been in this clearing before.
Someone whom I used to know,
Living off of every word they said,
His words were my grave,
But no more!
So I consumed a handful of ambrosia.
My reflection reached out of the goblet
To rid me of the tears
And the fears
Of the harsh reality that I once forced myself to accept.

But I’ve escaped my captor.
Now I have no master.
Others want to burn with me,
But they don’t hold a candle.
So the golden hand took a piece of my heart.
It was my cue to scoop up more of the elixir.
The empty void in my chest became full again…
Fascinating!
I never did this before!
Perhaps it begins here.

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Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

A Cure For Heartbreak

Hello to my cultural fallen angels! From this day on, I am polyamorous! At a sociological standpoint, monogamy is merely a custom in American culture. In a lot of places around the world, polygamy is quite common. Men having multiple wives… And it’s not unheard of for a woman to have multiple husbands too. I have so much love to give and I’m tired of being confined to how our society wants me to endure heartbreak after heartbreak by placing high expectations on monogamous relationships. To expect someone to remain faithful and drawn to one person for a lifetime is ridiculous. I have feelings for multiple people. I can love and care for them equally. If it’s okay with all parties, mutual… consensual… then what harm can come from more love? No high expectations or unrealistic vows should keep people from loving each other. Why can’t I love a man and his husband too? I can love them the same. Why not? Maybe they’ll both love me too. Maybe not, but why feel rejected? Emotions are chemical. Love is a chemical. I used to be against polygamy but then I learned about it through studying sociology and developing feelings for a man currently in a polyamorous marriage who explained to me how society shaped our mentality since birth to believe that everyone should be monogamous. Like I have stated in To Each His Own, black people were once considered 3/5 of a person and gay people were gay bashed left and right. Now there’s Black Lives Matter and gay marriage is legalized now. What stops anything from being countercultural to being the norm? This is a new age! A technological, opportunistic, and open-minded age! At this beautiful end, I wish you all a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

Getting Off

It was mid-April and the morning dew gleamed with promise.
I remember when you spun me in your arms like your offspring –
Yet we walked hand in hand playing alongside a dream we sing.
Your visions were seldom all they seemed as your presence was amiss.
You lived in a bleak future and a troublesome past void of bliss.
I preferred to live in the present where I accepted that Winter causes Spring.
Hardship brought you down while it brought me down on ashen knees to present you a ring.
Our locked eyes glistened as the sunset cast forth bright hues dissolving our subtle kiss.

At times you’d wander away from our sanctuary underneath the emerald canopy.
Foreign beauty led you astray beyond the precipice of where the water cascades.
Life insisted we aboard a rollercoaster ride but your love was only visible upon its zenith.
I ran after you once we got off until my heart heaved with shortness of breath.
I reached for your brawny hands with its bumpy veins protruding like blades.
In the land of gods and monsters I am now an angel clinging to the past and you are the master of inevitable death.

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

Faithful Forevermore

Hello to my faithful fallen angels! Let’s climb aboard for another one of The One-Eyed Angel’s check-ins, shall we? There were a select group of friends I would text every single morning. I felt like I was doing all the work after a while. So I stopped texting them first to see if they would reach out to me and I ultimately lost touch with them.

Honestly I think I’m losing touch with my brother too. He seems apathetic since he broke up with his ex-fiance. He had a kid with her but it doesn’t seem like he cares. So I try not take it personally. But I was on the receiving end of a lover’s apathy. Hence it’s nearly impossible to not empathize with his ex-fiance and the daughter he left behind. He’s a good brother and a good person to me, but he’s not inclined to maintain a family dynamic. I get it though. I think I would have done the same thing, to be honest. She was far from perfect herself. It can go either way when it concerns me.

It just sucks how hurt people tend to hurt people. Most people want to unload their burden onto someone else. Just because I have my shit together, people assume I’m always okay. But I’m human too. Not many of my friends are people I could confide in if I need support. They’re always busy or they’re in the company of someone more important. I think people are naturally selfish honestly. It takes strength and compassion to care about someone other than yourself.

Aside from my psychological perplexity, my vessel is in need of repair. I have been taking pain killers every single day for years due to chronic neck and back problems. The diplopia isn’t quite a pleasant experience either. I hope there’s a solution to my physical anomalies. As of this point in my life, every problem has been solved or in the process of being solved. So my faith resides forevermore in God.

But I get a bit cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs when I skip meditation and other spiritual practices. A visit to the spirit realm always cures my crazies. If I stop laughing, I’d be crying. So I laugh, pop pain killers, and practice abstinence to stay alive. Ode to joy!

Hope always find its way in. I have obtained a friendship with a neighbor I honestly didn’t think I would establish any kind of relationship with. My brother shows me that he still has a heart from time to time. I have known one of my best friends for several years now and she’s someone who actually has an aptitude to acknowledge how and why I am the way I am. Yet no matter how much I divulge myself to you all, I will forever remain a mystery. On that beautiful note, I wish you all a wonderful day! Over and out.

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Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

“Sleigh”

My eyes see more when they are closed,

Memories emanate threats no longer posed,

I can listen better when my mouth is shut,

Born and raised from the cut,

I can feel better when our hands don’t touch,

Loveless intimacy doesn’t matter as much,

It doesn’t seem like people are people anymore,

Just living sex toys I can use then throw out the door,

I can breathe easier when I leave my comfort zone,

Can’t establish relationships only on the phone,

Confiding in friends I have feared to trust for so long,

And to swallow my pride will help me become strong,

Addiction is not just something you smoke or drink,

Eat or blow it could also be something you wouldn’t think,

Would cause such a catastrophic heartache,

Or physical acts of love you can effortlessly fake

What stops them from doing that to you?

Good evening, my reliable fallen angels! So let’s get to it! Have you ever had a friend who did horrible things to someone else but you never thought they would do those things to you? You think you’re their only exception? You’re a fool if you said yes to either of those questions. From a fool to a fool, I am letting you know that no one will ever make you their only exception. Don’t get me wrong; I learned this lesson in high school. I mention it today because my brother is learning that life lesson at this point in his life. His fiancee and her family would gossip about everyone. When I say everyone, I mean everyone. When my brother’s sister-in-law’s boyfriend cheated on her, the family talked a lot of shit about him. That got me thinking. “What stops them from doing that to you?” But my brother didn’t listen. They’re broken up now. I bet they’re talking shit about my brother a mile a minute. I told him it’s out of his control. That’s the third spiritual law. Law of acceptance is to accept that nothing is in your control but yourself. He simply stopped loving her. No one cheated. There was no domestic violence. Nothing. His ex-fiancee treated him terribly. That’s what I hate about some women. They think men don’t have feelings. In society, men can’t cry or express any emotions without someone telling them to “be a man!” It breaks my heart when my dad or my brother were treated badly by the women in their lives. And the second the man decides they’ve had enough, the woman forever raises their child to hate their father. And on top of that, they don’t let the father see the child. What the hell is the man supposed to do? I’m glad I’m gay. Some women would be too much for me. I’ve had my fair share of men in my life and I notice we handle conflict differently. If me and some guy go through a break-up, I know for a fact I’m never gonna hear from him again. Men neglect while women gossip. I don’t know which is worse. Sorry if I sound sexist. My experiences with women are usually disastrous. Now that I think about, men are pretty bad too. Which is why I don’t understand why some people hate the LGBT Community. Men and women are both terrible. Pick your fucking poison! Anyway, back to the main topic at hand. If you find that your boyfriend or girlfriend or ever just a friend act ill-mannered towards other people, you can easily become one of those other people. That is a kind of red flag that you have to look out for. I learned this lesson years ago and my brother is learning it now. It’s one of the trials and tribulations every person will go through. I’m just starting to get into The Bible and I realize that every life lesson is displayed clearly in there. Well, not that clearly. Most Bibles are still in Old English. But still, our lives, mankind’s destiny, has literally been written down already. Life is ironic that way. Well I hope this post helped someone out today. Then again, most people have to learn things the hard way. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂