resilience | Loneliness Isn't Real

Salvation IX

Posted on May 13, 2016 by The One-Eyed Angel

Peering at life through a keyhole,
You’re more refined than you’ve ever been before,
But you still have more wisdom and experience to acquire.
Trembling like a god,
Holding up half the sky to say
That you can’t do it on your own.
Just because you stumble and lose your way,
It doesn’t mean you’re lost forever.
Sometimes we all need a little help.
Compassion makes you chary.
Yet you still can see beyond the walls
They made their homes from their pasts many years ago.
Their torment overwhelms you.
It seems easier to give in to the mayhem you uncover,
But it’s not their pain you’re afraid of,
It’s your own.
And as frightening as that may be,
That desolation will make you stronger.
If you allow yourself to intuit the sorrow –
Encompass it –
It will make you more powerful than you can ever imagine.
It’s the most cogent gift to have,
To bear their agony without falling apart,
And resilient empathy is born from the most human power…
Hope.

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations! http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B018ZR0IVA/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1460319936&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=trials+and+tribulations+sufian

Back to Basics

Posted on May 4, 2016 by The One-Eyed Angel

The arrow struck me down
Right before he flew away.
I landed in a rosy meadow.
I made my bed with the earth
At the foot of a Grecian goblet.
An elixir filled it to the brim.
It sparkled gold beneath the Sun
Like a spectre looming over the beat of life.
So bright and so peculiar,
I’m blind!

A wooden sign nidificated the rim:
“Sip it slowly
Don’t gulp it
Savor the flavor
Give and take”
– Give and take…
But no one else was there.
I looked around but all was wilderness,
Trees swaying to a silent song,
Grounded but not solitary.

A distant memory vacated repression.
I’ve been in this clearing before.
Someone whom I used to know,
Living off of every word they said,
His words were my grave,
But no more!
So I consumed a handful of ambrosia.
My reflection reached out of the goblet
To rid me of the tears
And the fears
Of the harsh reality that I once forced myself to accept.

But I’ve escaped my captor.
Now I have no master.
Others want to burn with me,
But they don’t hold a candle.
So the golden hand took a piece of my heart.
It was my cue to scoop up more of the elixir.
The empty void in my chest became full again…
Fascinating!
I never did this before!
Perhaps it begins here.

An Ex’s Cameo

Posted on January 29, 2016 by The One-Eyed Angel

Completely disregard what I said in Monday, Tuesday, busy days! Wednesday, Thursday, busy days! I had a horrible day yesterday! I ran into my ex-fiance on the bus heading to work. I was on my phone playing with my apps when he walked on the bus and stood a few feet away. I felt like someone stabbed me in the chest. He glanced at me and said to himself, “oh shit!” and pretended he didn’t notice me as he sat near the front of the bus. Mind you, I saw this in my peripheral vision so he didn’t know I noticed him. So I put my phone away back into its holster and I just stared at the back of his shaved, oblong head. The bus had been packed until half the occupants got off on the same stop. My ex got up to change seats when he finally noticed I was staring at him. He tried to be nonchalant with a nod accompanied by a tiny grin. But he clearly didn’t want to talk to me. There was an empty seat nearby him and I wasn’t going to miss this opportunity. I hadn’t seen him in over a year prior so who knows when I was ever going to run into him again. I sat beside him and said: “Hey! How are you?”
He said, “Good.”
Me: “Me too.”
Him: “So I didn’t know you go by this side of town.”
Me: “Yeah, I work around here now. At Toivo.”
Him: “That’s only a few blocks away…”
Me: “So you still live on Park Street?”
Him: “I never lived there before.”
Me: “Oh… where do you live now?”
Him: “Maple Street -”
Then awkward silence consumed the following 30 seconds.
Me: “I wanted to thank you.”
Him: “For what?”
Me: “For everything.”
He smiled. I stroked a Narcissist’s ego, apparently.
My bus stop was coming up.
He began to drone on and on about how he’s trying to renew his license and to get a car.
I tuned him out at this point. He was just gonna talk about himself. I’m also trying to get my driver’s license and a car but I wasn’t gonna say much more.
I had nothing to prove to him and I no longer expected anything from him.
When my bus stop finally came, I shook his hand and told him to have a great day before I departed.
Once I arrived at my job, I broke down but luckily my co-workers are some of my best friends and they supported me. I talked it out. They assured me I handled it very well and that I’m a strong, resilient person. We shared anecdotes and then we resumed our work. Surprisingly, I felt a lot better afterward. I was able to do everything I had to do yesterday. I even slept a full eight hours when I got home. Maybe that was the closure I needed. Maybe I’m finally over him.

Feel free to like and comment on this post and I will do the same for you. Also, please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B012BSPFCQ/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1452971409&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70&keywords=The+Pandemonium+Chronicles

Monday, Tuesday, busy days! Wednesday, Thursday, busy days!

Posted on January 27, 2016 by The One-Eyed Angel

As Day 15 of Blogging101, I have declared every Wednesday from now on to be Check-In Wednesday. It’s a regular weekly feature on my blog. Enjoy!

Hello to my time-consumed fallen angels! It’s been a little while since my last post. Sorry about that. I know some of my fellow bloggers have become my regulars and I am truly grateful for their ongoing interest within my aegis loft. Anyway, my third semester at my college started last week so I have been busy a lot more lately. Full-time student, part-time worker looking for a better job. Love life is still a mess. However, I have a date next week with this guy I liked since I met him in the beginning of last semester. He recently got a boyfriend but I won a date with him fair and square. You see, because of my charming self, I challenged him to a Pokemon battle. We’re both into Pokemon and I thought that if I stayed within common interests, I’ll be able to get his attention. I beat him without cheating or anything. Despite him losing, he looked so happy. He has doubts about his boyfriend and he admitted he likes me too. So my love life may be getting better after all. Overall, I’m finally moving forward. I’m working on myself. School. Work. Dates. Church. Gym. Friends. Life. I love being busy. I love this human experience I am embarking on. I’m not afraid of death. I wouldn’t mind dying. But now I can wait for my last breath. I’m learning not to be afraid of living anymore. So get out there in the world and make something of yourself! We all have something to offer! Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

So What’s New?

Posted on December 5, 2015 by The One-Eyed Angel

Good morning to my blessed fallen angels! It’s been a while since I last checked in. I have been so busy with studying for finals week before the semester is up. Also, I have been having a better holiday season than I thought I would. Most people would think my negativity is nothing good. However, I disagree. You see, I don’t put any expectations on anyone or anything. I assume the worst. It is this way of thinking that allows me to live a disappointment-free life. It’s either “I expected that to happen” or “Wow! I’m so surprised!” Anyway, it was because of my negativity that had me thinking that maybe I should try to be more positive for a change. This resulted in my Salvation mini-series comprising of five short entries. I got a lot of great feedback from it. I tend to get more likes and comments when I’m positive so I guess that’s another incentive for being a good boy. Lol. Hmm… what else? Oh yeah! Don’t think I forgot about posting about when I did drag several weeks ago. I have all the pictures in a draft already. Now I’m just waiting for the camera crew at my college to edit and submit the video for ComiQueens onto my college website so I can add it to my draft. Also, I’m still working with a fellow blogger to do a co-blog collaboration. However, I haven’t heard from him lately. I hope he’s doing okay. I have recently began to publish a book of poems and short stories that I actually merely copied and pasted straight from my blog. I call the poetry book, Trials and Tribulations (TaT). I submitted it as my second book on Kindle Direct Publishing and I will do the same for all the other online eBook distributions that I used to publish my first book, The Pandemonium Chronicles: The Merge Between Heaven and Hell. As well as eBook, I’m also getting it in printed format with a local printing company that’s partnered up with this organization I work for to promote it locally. I have been attending YasBiz events and planning to host classes with them myself to teach people how to make their own blogs. YasBiz is an organization where young entrepreneurs in my state can be given an opportunity to promote their creations and make a business out of them, whether it’s a writing career or a bakery or even an art studio. They provide funding and everything! There’s more to it than that but I don’t really want to get into that, to be honest. I actually went to the YasBiz end of the year celebration party last night. One of my good friends got an award because she published two books of poetry and she won the raffle at the end of the event. It was her big night and I am so proud of her for all her achievements. People like us had hard, traumatic pasts but I can only imagine how my friend felt last night. I want to have that same feeling. I can’t wait until I get an award for my writing. I can’t always be negative. If I let my mental health problems render me from pursuing my life goals, then my dreams will dry up like a raisin in the Sun. My mental health problems will always be a part of me but it is everything I have been through that have made me so resilient and stronger than I ever thought possible. Thank you so much, my fallen angels, for sticking by through thick and thin with me. I love you all so much and good luck on your own personal endeavors. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B012BSPFCQ/ref=cm_sw_r_fa_awdm_EgmSvb1FDR2EB Thanks for reading 🙂

The Talk: A Raw Truth

Posted on November 9, 2015 by The One-Eyed Angel

Conception:

When a man and a woman love each other very much…

When a man unconsensually forces himself on a woman…

When a woman is infertile and must resort to artificial insemination…

When a condom breaks and a white elephant looms over two people…

Tribulation:

The number one cause of death is birth…

Your parents cannot shield you from harm forever…

You must learn life lessons the hard way, alone…

Being too sheltered from the real world will make hardship unbearable when you finally do experience it…

Annihilation:

Your first love will destroy your heart in ways you couldn’t fathom prior…

Yet it’s so worth it for it truly is better to have loved and lost than to not…

You grow stronger, wiser, and more resilient from losses rather than victories…

So good luck on your personal endeavors and have a wonderful day, my fallen angels…

Cycle of Hurt

Posted on November 2, 2015 by The One-Eyed Angel

When will the cycle of hurt end?

Distorted beauty hard to mend.

Broken homes white elephants,

Due to revenge and pelvic dents

Source of vampire’s elixir,

Heartbreak dependence to liquor,

Numb the pain traumatic moments,

Due to revenge and pelvic dents,

Abscond the miasma once more,

Yearning to leave but too damn poor,

Trapped complacent establishments,

Due to revenge and pelvic dents,

Past and future doesn’t exist,

Standard deviations persist,

The mean reflects our achievements,

Due to revenge and pelvic dents

PSYCHOSIS

Posted on October 29, 2015 by The One-Eyed Angel

Good afternoon to my psychotic fallen angels! It took only so much turmoil to finally surrender my sanity. As a child, I cared a lot about how my classmates and how my family members perceived me. None of them are in my life now. I’m starting to form a theory that depression, loneliness, selfishness, paranoia, and fear are default emotions while any positivity only comes around when you really, really try to find it. Or perhaps this theory is biased because it stems from purely my own life experience. Who the hell knows? I like to consider myself a philosopher (an existentialist and an extreme neutralist). In other words, I believe that “human nature” is a myth and that I can do anything I want as long as I don’t break the law. I fall into many other categories that tie into the fabled “human nature” but one category that seems to be one of the new minority focusses in America is stigma pertaining to mental health. I lost track of how many mental health problems I have. The system was the only family I was fond of as an adolescent. Psych wards, state hospitals, residentials, group homes, you name it, I’ve been there. At least I never have to worry about getting drafted for the military. Psychosis is one of the diagnosis I garner. It is a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality. Oh wells! I know people say I shouldn’t let my mental health problems define who I am, but I don’t mind. I enjoy it. I’m not joking nor being sarcastic. I really love my mental health problems. I would just be another boring person in this world’s contradictory existence. They give me character and depth and uniqueness to the essence of who I am. Embrace your fears. Become your fears. I used to be so ashamed of myself. Look at me now. And did you know Batman was actually afraid of bats? He embraced the bat. He became the bat. Think about that next time you host a pity party that no one will RSVP to. There’s only one you. Learn to enjoy your own company. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

An Angel’s Awakening (A-CUBED)

Posted on October 18, 2015 by The One-Eyed Angel

Good morning to my blessed fallen angels! I finally got baptized today! It’s been long-awaited. (Aww! Look at me in my church clothes as opposed to my gothic garb.) I’m officially an Episcopalian now! I love my church family! I love God! People can disappoint me, betray me, neglect me, abuse me, avoid me, judge me, use me, and hurt me but I’m so happy to give myself up to The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit. I never have to worry about God doing any of those things to me that people have done time and time again. It’s all trials and tribulations. It’s expected to go through hardship in life in one way or another. I am definitely not an exception to that biblical rule. I have no regrets, no held grudges, and no hatred towards anyone or anything. Everything I have been through (“The Sufie Saga”) led me to this moment. My mother told me I made her depressed and that she should’ve aborted me, but I forgive her. The only man I have ever loved (so far…) broke my heart in ways I never thought was humanly possible, but I forgive him too. I’m so emotionally resilient. I have been abused physically, mentally, sexually, emotionally, and even spiritually (by a psychic Narcissist). However, I still manage to get out of bed in the morning, smile, laugh (sometimes manically), and uphold my daily responsibilities. Three weeks from now, I’m starting acolyte training to someday become a priest. I’m also in college to be a therapist for people with mental health problems. And I garner spiritual abilities of my own. Just yesterday, I was contemplating killing myself, but it’s amazing how God can save me just when I feel like giving up. I am going to help and heal a lot of people! I’m gonna make this world a better place than when I found it! On the other hand, I will still don the name, The One-Eyed Angel because this darkness infested with depression and rage will always be a part of me. It has helped me survive through the worst of times and helped me appreciate with ultimate gratitude the best of times. All emotions are temporary, both good and bad. I know I’m not gonna feel this happiness consistently for the rest of my life, but I accept that simply because I must accept that. Although I don’t have any close friends or family members who went to my baptism today, I have acknowledged already that my life is a lonely one so no surprises that no one outside my church family came today. I’m okay though. There must be some valid reason God didn’t place too many people in my life. Some can handle society while some can’t. To each his own. Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Faithful Forevermore

Posted on October 2, 2015 by The One-Eyed Angel

Hello to my faithful fallen angels! Let’s climb aboard for another one of The One-Eyed Angel’s check-ins, shall we? There were a select group of friends I would text every single morning. I felt like I was doing all the work after a while. So I stopped texting them first to see if they would reach out to me and I ultimately lost touch with them.

Honestly I think I’m losing touch with my brother too. He seems apathetic since he broke up with his ex-fiance. He had a kid with her but it doesn’t seem like he cares. So I try not take it personally. But I was on the receiving end of a lover’s apathy. Hence it’s nearly impossible to not empathize with his ex-fiance and the daughter he left behind. He’s a good brother and a good person to me, but he’s not inclined to maintain a family dynamic. I get it though. I think I would have done the same thing, to be honest. She was far from perfect herself. It can go either way when it concerns me.

It just sucks how hurt people tend to hurt people. Most people want to unload their burden onto someone else. Just because I have my shit together, people assume I’m always okay. But I’m human too. Not many of my friends are people I could confide in if I need support. They’re always busy or they’re in the company of someone more important. I think people are naturally selfish honestly. It takes strength and compassion to care about someone other than yourself.

Aside from my psychological perplexity, my vessel is in need of repair. I have been taking pain killers every single day for years due to chronic neck and back problems. The diplopia isn’t quite a pleasant experience either. I hope there’s a solution to my physical anomalies. As of this point in my life, every problem has been solved or in the process of being solved. So my faith resides forevermore in God.

But I get a bit cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs when I skip meditation and other spiritual practices. A visit to the spirit realm always cures my crazies. If I stop laughing, I’d be crying. So I laugh, pop pain killers, and practice abstinence to stay alive. Ode to joy!

Hope always find its way in. I have obtained a friendship with a neighbor I honestly didn’t think I would establish any kind of relationship with. My brother shows me that he still has a heart from time to time. I have known one of my best friends for several years now and she’s someone who actually has an aptitude to acknowledge how and why I am the way I am. Yet no matter how much I divulge myself to you all, I will forever remain a mystery. On that beautiful note, I wish you all a wonderful day! Over and out.