Second Best

Hello to my courageous fallen angels! Lately I’ve been talking to a new romantic interest for the first time in two years (apart from my married friend with benefits and that guy from PRIDE club who led me on the whole time just to tell me he already had a boyfriend), but this time, it finally seems to be mutual.

If you have been following me for a while, you’ll know that I was once engaged to my ex-fiance. I proposed to a man twice my age because I really loved him, but our relationship was shaky from the start. He was living with an ex of his when we first met. He was condescending and controlling. He was so handsome and charming.  Only God knows what The Narcissist did behind my back. It terrified me how much I cared for him. I gave up my beliefs, my morals, and my dreams when I fell in love with him. I always told myself that if things didn’t work out with him, I would forever be condemned to settle for second best. Perhaps I jinxed myself when I placed him on a metaphorical pedestal. After all this time, thoughts of him still plague my mind at night, and tearing at my insides like a savage hunger. I look back and I realize that there were so many red flags that I refused to see. I had to let him go. He had total power over me, but enough was enough. The hardest thing I ever did was walk away from a man that I’m still, to this day, madly in love with.

Now with this new guy, I feel awful for even thinking that he’ll never compare to my ex-fiance. That I’ll never love him or anyone else, for that matter, ever again. But I need to give him a chance. He doesn’t have to compare to my ex, but he can be a different, more healthy romance.

I have been on my own for so long though. I have forgotten what love and desire even feels like in this chronic loneliness. I feel so dead inside. Like I’m just half-alive, going through the subtle waves of life until my inevitable and anticipated demise.

I was disowned by my family on my 18th birthday. But even before that, I had a feeling my mother stopped caring about me once I came out at 14 because she was a devout muslim and homosexuality was the devil to her. She probably planned my abandonment for the following four years. I was homeless, then I lived in a halfway house, and now I have my own apartment. For the first time, I’m paying bills, attending college as a full-time student, and looking for a new job. So technically, I don’t really need anyone. It’s just that there are so many lonely nights and all the one night stands I lost count of from those gay hookups apps are never enough. Artificial love isn’t as good as the real thing.

At this point, being in a relationship will result in me being either too clingy or too guarded. Honestly, I’d rather be too guarded if those were my only two options. I would like to at least keep my pride intact if nothing else.

It takes courage to open yourself up to someone after a heartbreak that you can very well never fully get over. But I can’t live like this anymore. If I find out he’s not as good a person as I’d like him to be, then I don’t have to put up with any shit from him or anyone else. I see more clearly now. Blindness and love are no longer synonymous terms. I love myself more than anyone else ever will. I am the only constant variable in my life. Everyone else tends to fade away after a while. I can’t get attached again… I just can’t….

What is a healthy relationship? I don’t know but maybe I’ll find out someday. If it’s not him, it’s someone else, right? See? I’m such a pessimist. I’m already planning on what to do if things go wrong with this new guy.

Well, wish me luck, my fallen angels! Have a wonderful day! Over and out.

Feel free to check my latest book, a book of poetry called Trials and Tribulations!

Positive Resurrection

Smoldering alcove due to his presents presence,

His caramel skin lathered in a silky hew hue,

My empathic shield braking breaking decayed senescence,

Feminine voice laze lays with masculine hearts imbue

Love stains savored by lingering dark-brown stairs stares,

A pear pair of golden valleys caressed sensually,

Constructing a conversation full of suite sweet cares,

Existentialism will loos lose its portentous hold on me eventually

Feel free to like or comment on this post. I will always reply back to comments! And please check out my eBook: Thanks for reading 🙂

Why Should I Be Mad?

Good morning! How is the start of your weekend going? Mine is going great. So for today, I thought it would be a great time to introduce my latest topic. It’s Spring now and it’s the time of year when everyone is out and about to pursue new romance. I have dated quite a few people in my life but I have only been in love once. But the main point that there is only one soul mate for every one person. The purpose of dating is to get to know the other person, feel them out (figuratively speaking), and find out what you want and don’t want in a mate. I don’t understand why people put so much hopes and high expectations on another human being. If you realize during the first or second date that the two of you are not compatible, then it’s polite to assertively decline pursuing anything further than the basics. I have dated guys where we go on a couple dates and i acknowledge that I don’t like them romantically. I tell them that but they just want to throw a bitch fit. It’s okay! Lol. God works in mysterious ways. He helps narrow down your search for true love by process of elimination. So don’t get all pissed off when things don’t go your way. Take things as they come and go. Because if I bother to buy you dinner and a show, then at least be grateful when things don’t work out. It is annoying when a person is ungrateful and uses the little bit of information you tell them about yourself to antagonize you as a farewell, always wanting to get the last word. That’s childish. It’s not big deal. It’s good that crazy things happen with someone in the beginning stages rather than getting married and wondering why you got married to such an undeserving person. Shit happens. Accept the undesirable. Acknowledge the reluctance. Always be cautious. Assume that the person you are dating can leave at a moment’s notice. You got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince charming. There’s no need to get upset over a man. Seriously. Now when I break things off with a guy and they want to get smart with me, I say whatever because I don’t tell them anything personal ever so that they have no verbal bullets when things get ugly. Some people need to grow up. Have a wonderful day,  my fallen angels! Over and out.